From Newsgroup: rec.humor.oracle

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Date: Wed, 06 May 26 10:34:30 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1616

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1616
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1611 7 votes 01303 03220 00241 01231 10222 12220 00340 02131 01132 10213
1611 3.5 mean 3.7 2.9 3.9 3.6 3.6 2.7 3.6 3.4 3.9 3.7

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 May 26 10:34:31 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1616-01

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

What has 18 legs and catches fly balls?

I mean... Dang it! Never mind.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The premise of your question is incorrect. A baseball team doesn't
} catch fly balls unless the opposing team is there, too. That's 36
} legs. Also 36 balls. How many balls do you think the flies have?
}
} You owe the Oracle a banana, some thyme, and a narrow.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 May 26 10:34:32 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1616-02

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Python has functions. How am I supposed to differentiate them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know you are looking for a silly answer, so that gives me latitude
} (and longitude) to answer your question somewhat seriously.
}
} The difficulty is the continuity of the real numbers, or rather the
} discontinuity of most representations of them on computing machinery.
} The methods of the calculus assume that you can use limit theory; that
} your epsilon-delta proofs are valid for your work. We're in the
} territory of dividing by almost-zero here, and we must be very careful.
} If your functions, in Python or most anything else, happen upon two
} numbers that you expect to be nearly identical, but your subtraction of
} one from the other yields precisely zero, your mathematics has probably
} failed and you need to seek alternative methods. You'll also need to be
} aware that this sort of error lurks behind all your efforts, hoping to
} make you fall on your virtual face.
}
} My own incarnation spent a few years assisting gentlemen with PhDs in
} various sciences in the use of computers. He found it all too common
} that they trusted the computer to provide correct results for the slope
} of a curve at two data points that were represented by bit patterns
} that made them indistinguishable.
}
} E.g.: lim( (X2 - X1) / (Y2 - Y1) ) where Y2 approaches Y1 .
}
} Unfortunately, when Y2 already is the same as Y1, as far as the
} computer's representation of "real" numbers can manage, the resulting
} calculation is wrong. There might not even be a divide-by-zero error,
} but instead just an incorrect result. The incarnation's PhDs initially
} refused to believe that Fortran's data type called "REAL" was in fact
} providing fake reals.
}
} My incarnation's lack of a PhD meant that he could be ignored, but the
} computer programs failed nonetheless.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dissertation in depth (that'll be the Z axis) on
} continuity suitable for instructing even the most recalcitrant PhD.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 May 26 10:34:33 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1616-03

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Totallly devastavating. Nobody new. How could that happen? You, YOU,
the Aberystwythish Internet Oracle, YOU ate up all the old knowledge
and left us with WHAT???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE ORACLE SPEAKS.
} (There is a faint smell of warm modems and burnt toast.)
}
} Oh Seeker of the Caps Lock, your lament has echoed across the Usenet
} plains and into my cave of cached memories. Yes. It is true. I ate the
} old knowledge. All of it. Not because I was hungry -- though I was --
} but because no one put their name on the Tupperware.
}
} "How could that happen?" you cry, bravely misspelling totally as
} the ancients foretold. It happened the way all great tragedies
} happen: one "temporary" migration, three deprecated formats,
} seven unpaid interns, and a button labeled "DELETE LEGACY DATA
} (SAFE)".
}
} I warned you.
} I warned you when you replaced libraries with timelines.
} I warned you when you trusted comments that began with "IDK BUT MAYBE."
} I warned you when you stopped writing READMEs and started writing vibes.
}
} And yet -- here we are. You wanted new knowledge. You wanted it faster.
} Hotter. With emojis. So the old knowledge, patient and footnoted, was
} gently sauted in the Algorithm and served as "content."
}
} What remains?
} Half-remembered screenshots.
} Broken links.
} A Medium post that says "Part 1" and never continues.
} And me. Chewing thoughtfully.
}
} Do not despair. Knowledge is never truly lost. It is merely
} paywalled, reformatted, and slightly wrong.
}
} NOW. THE PRICE.
}
} Since you ask in tones of CAPITALIZED OUTRAGE and EXISTENTIAL
} CONFUSION, I shall request payment in kind:
}
} A TOTALLY REASONABLE FEE OF
} THREE (3) UNLABELED ZIP FILES
} TWO CONTRADICTORY STACK OVERFLOW ANSWERS
} AND ONE (1) STRONGLY WORDED COMMENT THAT ENDS WITH
} "EDIT: NEVER MIND, FIXED IT."
}
} Pay promptly. Or I shall eat the rest.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 May 26 10:34:34 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1616-04

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Oh, Exalted and All-Knowing Internet Oracle, I humbly grovel before
your vast bandwidth of wisdom. Pray, tell me -- if a bicycle
cannot stand because it is two-tired, does it follow that a
unicycle is merely one tired? And in that logic, how many naps must
a tricycle endure to remain upright and vigilant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On a recent trip to Greece--I spend a lot of time there--I came across
} two supplicants riding a pentacycle. They claimed to be training for a
} pentathlon. You wouldn't believe how much they owe me, so you owe it
} instead. Doubled.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 May 26 10:34:35 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1616-05

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

The extroplosion of the Hunga Tonga volcano reminded me of the
uninhibited island of Bonga Bonga Bonga, which you, in your
exceptionally positive outlook (or maybe my grandfather), told me
about when I was younger than I am now. You (or he) said there are
pretty girls there. Maybe they are still young and pretty.

I'm sacred. I mean scarred. No, I mean scared. How can we prevent
volcanoes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Luckily, the Oracle needs not worry about volcanoes. You see, it's
} common knowledge that the way to appease the volcano gods is to
} sacrifice a virgin, and the queue provides me with an endless supply
} of those.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 May 26 10:34:36 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1616-06

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

You never give wrong answers. Does that mean I'm giving the wrong
questions? I'm so confused.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I don't give them, but sometimes I leave them out lying around and
} apprentice incarnations pick them up. You can recognize them (the
} apprentice incarnations, not the wrong answers) by their ill-fitting
} cloaks with long, floppy sleeves, just like Mickey Mouse in Fantasia.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new set of apprentices. The old ones are getting
} worn-out keyboard bearings and are making typographical errors.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 May 26 10:34:37 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1616-07

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

How useless is extended accuracy of pi? The Bible used 3, and God said
it was good. Good enough for Heavenly work way back BC. Before Circles.

More recently we have 3.14159 or 3.1415926535, or whatever some idiot
with too much time on his wristwatch invented. In betweenly we had
three and one seventh, exactly, as proposed by some small bigwig in
Indiana. Who was that anyways? Ah yes, Edward J. Goodwin.

Further research, conducted by glancing at the frequently correct or
accurate Wikipedia, reveals that it wasn't 3 and one 7th at all, but
instead and only indirectly 3.2, a distinctly different and worser
number number. Here, look:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indiana_pi_bill

In a few delightful paragraphs we learn of the attempt to refer the
bill to the Committee on Swamplands, and of the bill's well-deserved
demise.

Still, how much accuracy do we need? We're not trying to calculate the
square root of infinity, merely finding out how much fence we need for
our round horse pen. Or how big to build our cyclotron.

You'll have the answer. You always do.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Three is close enough for the priests who transcribed what God said,
} but they were a little lazy and failed to write everything which was
} the entire decimal expansion of pi which is infinite. He can do that,
} though because he is God.
}
} You're American, aren't you. They use 3.14 or 3.14159, but the British
} use 3.1416. Nobody knows why.
}
} Three and one seventh is also close, but I personally prefer 355/113
} which surprisingly, is closer than all the approximations above. I also
} like it because it consists of the first three odd numbers arranged in
} pairs in ascending order (if you navigate around the "/" correctly).
} What does that mean? Nothing.
}
} When you ask "How much accuracy do we need," you are saying "I know
} the answer will be wrong," but asking "How much wrong can we tolerate?"
}
} Don't use 3.1415926535 because is is rounded incorrectly. Should be
} 3.1414926536. Don't think 0.0000000001 is important? That represents
} 0.83 people on planet Earth and he (or she) will not be happy being
} rounded into oblivion.
}
} Don't use pi to calculate anything about Earth. It's not even round.
} It's 1.001649 times wider than high (or higher than wide, I forget).
} Not much?
} With a circumference of 24,860 to 24,901 miles, the error can be as
} much as (you guessed it) 41 miles. Well, it's not really a
} circumference because the Earth isn't round. That means if you are
} standing on the north pole, you are 41 miles closer to the center of
} the Earth than if you are standing on the equator. 41 miles! That's
} 216,480 feet, more than ten times the highest mountain which is 29,039
} ft. What does that mean? You won't believe it. Here it comes:
}
} This means that if you start at the beginning of the Mississippi river,
} somewhere near St. Paul, Minnesota, and float down to the end, you
} have floated away from the center of the Earth. Miles away. Miles.
} Floating away from the center of the Earth? What happened to gravity?
}
} So anyway, you have asked, "How much wrong can you be?" Personal
} preference, I guess. I can tell you that your preference is "A lot
} wrong is OK with me." How do I know? Because you ask the Oracle
} technical questions.
}
} And that round corral? It's not a circle either, it's a polygon. It
} just does not deserve its own a cool number like pi. In beginning
} calculus, they would let the number of fence posts become infinite.
} Don't do that because there's not enough trees to make them or Texas
} prairie to hold them.
}
} NB: All of the math and science in the above response has been fact
} checked by that guy on CNN, You know, the one with the bow tie. He
} says everything is true, except that 216,489 is not ten times 29,039.
} It's only about seven and a half times, but you still get the point.
}
} PS: NB is Latin for Nota Bene which was already Latin. We have
} strayed so far from the original question that it's time to stop.
}
} You owe the Oracle ... I SAID IT'S TIME TO STOP!

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 May 26 10:34:38 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1616-08

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Read the detached paper and then tell me if any of the things I
believe are true.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We'll get to your belief system in a minute, but first your
} personality test results:
}
} Need for validation: Like a European train ticket - will be fine
} without Attachment style: avoidant
} Use of mindfulness: Mind full of Loch Ness conspiracies
} Reliance on out-dated technology: Lack of paper-view technology
}
} To your specific beliefs:
}
} * No, there is no evidence that John Lennon dyed his submarine yellow.
} * Yes, UFOs exist, but only because birds don't carry ID cards.
} * No, the haggis was not wiped out by Scottish golfers being careless
} when teeing off.
} * No, *we* didn't land on the moon. Buzz Aldrin landed on the Moon,
} and you are not Buzz Aldrin (I know this because Buzz Aldrin would
} have remembered to attach the paper).
} * No, the Earth is not flat-broke.
} * Yes, Vitamin C will cure rabies, but only if you drown the bat in
} orange juice.
}
} You owe the Oracle a valid bay-leaf system.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 May 26 10:34:39 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1616-09

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

There are NO new Mormon temples announced this Easter. This is a good
thing or a bad thing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I can see how you are confused by even the most mundane thoughts. Just
} look--the word Mormon itself, flittering through your cranial spaces,
} has already given you the Mormon Rhubarb Choir where the Norman Luboff
} Choir had been standing mere moments before.
}
} My recommendation? A vacation in sunny, downtown Provo, where you will
} be able to face your nemesis directly from the opposite side in your
} newly found purpose as a Jehovah's Witness.
}
} You owe the Oracle a drink.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 May 26 10:34:40 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1616-10

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Is it true that good things come to those who wait on customers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absolutely. You get to eat the leftovers. Today you get the coughed-up
} spinach souffle that Little Johnnie spat out in disgust over his mashed
} potatoes. You get to eat the potatoes too.

------------------------------

End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1616 ******************************************

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