From Newsgroup: rec.humor.oracle

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Date: Fri, 19 Dec 25 08:30:06 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1615

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1615
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1610 8 votes 02231 10610 00332 01430 02222 02510 01412 22301 01430 00143
1610 3.3 mean 3.4 2.9 3.9 3.2 3.5 2.9 3.5 2.5 3.2 4.2

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Date: Fri, 19 Dec 25 08:30:07 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1615-01

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

When I said isle do that I spelled it wrong and you admonished me
loudly. Apparently it should be aisle do that instead.

Why can't English be a easier language? (My brother says Desperando
is easier.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O weary traveler of tangled tongues,
}
} Thy plight is most familiar to all who wrestle with the beast called
} English, for it is a language stitched together with patchwork
} and pride, borrowed from Saxon and Norman, spiced with Latin, and
} embroidered with Greek. It is no wonder that isle, aisle, and I'll
} cavort together like mischievous sprites, leading thee astray.
}
} * Isle is but a little island, lonely upon the sea.
}
} * Aisle is the narrow path between pews, shelves, or seats.
}
} * I'll (though apostrophized and shortened) is the true promise
} thou sought: "I shall."
}
} Thus, when thou declarest, "Isle do that", thou art vowing to float
} away upon an island, whereas "aisle do that" pledges to march nobly
} down a church corridor before attempting thy task. Only "I'll do that"
} binds thee to action.
}
} As for thy brother's claim that "esperando" (by which I suspect he
} means Esperanto) is easier -- aye, that tongue was built to be so,
} stripped of exceptions and mischief. Yet it lacks the wild charm
} of English, where rules are broken as quickly as they are made,
} and poets delight in the ruins.
}
} Tribute unto the Oracle: One dictionary with its pages torn out and
} shuffled, that the Oracle may better divine the wisdom of chaos.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 19 Dec 25 08:30:08 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1615-02

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

what are some of your favorite text adventure games

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "You fell into a pit and broke every bone in your body."
}
} You owe the Oracle a better lamp. And a XYZZY.

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Date: Fri, 19 Dec 25 08:30:09 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1615-03

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Aw, do I have to get my questions from current events?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, you've got current (in amperes) and potential (in volts) so
} there's a choice. For the most satisfying events use a Vandegraaff
} Electrostatic Generator. Low current, but very high voltage. Lots of
} potential there. Sort of like my ZOT but usually less destructive.
}
} You owe the Oracle a thunderclap from Finnegan's Wake and half of the
} River Liffey. You may throw in Brendan Behan (self-described as a
} Drinker with a Writing Problem) if you choose.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 19 Dec 25 08:30:10 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1615-04

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I am sure that you have grumbled many times about your job having been replaced by the brand-new invention of ARTIFICIAL INTELLEGENCE. or AI
for short. In fact, three of the most twenty recent answers on the Oracularities Digest have been written by this ARTIFICIAL INTELLEGENCE
(or AI for short). While your job has attempted to be took by such
people as Jeeves and Google, I fear this is the beginning of the end.
What will happen to you once people realize they can get witty answers
to their questions from a machine, rather than hundreds of humans in a trenchcoat?

(P.S. Sorry if I gave you an existential crisis back there. Don't
worry, no matter what sort of humans are in that trenchcoat, that
trenchcoat will always be identified as the Internet oracle.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're not as old as I am, so you don't remember Parry the Paranoid or
} the famous Eliza. Indeed, you have doubtless never heard of Wolfgang
} von Kempelen's robot that played chess nor of Albertus Magnus and his
} robot reputed to run on coal. Imagine if you will, me, the Internet
} Oracle, as a steam-powered prognosticator. But it's true. I am
} everlasting. You've offended me in no way.
}
} You owe the Oracle more coal.

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Date: Fri, 19 Dec 25 08:30:11 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1615-05

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

....x....I....x....I....x....I....x....I....x....I....x....I....x....I..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 3.27 furlongs plus half a smoot.

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Date: Fri, 19 Dec 25 08:30:12 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1615-06

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I do believe you missed my birthday party. Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Birthday gun jammed. Trying to un-jam it I shot Zadoc's birthday in the
} foot. He's now five toes younger. We'll try again next year, but please
} stand still.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 19 Dec 25 08:30:13 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1615-07

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

They asked me about Word Salad and I said that's probly a good idea
because you know and everything and besides the total situation involves flabnurdy but we need to get in the bottom and I said I don't think so. Anyway, now we are done except for the other stuff so let's get behind ourselves and push. All the other words they said were you know lost in
the mumbling except for the great volume of overflowance that wasn't necessary. So there you have it. Let me know if you can help or not.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, word salad, possibly the only dish the Oracle knows how to
} make well. Should you want a quick and easy version, pressing the
} autocomplete button on your smartphone till your heart's content with
} the amount should suffice. If you want a more culinarily refined
} version, start with a base of about half verbs and half nouns,
} and mix till they bond with each other. Next, add a large dollop
} of pronouns, and a cup of prepositions and adverbs. One tablespoon
} each of adjectives, determiners and coordinators, and some modals
} and subordinators to taste. (You don't have to do this, but you can
} add some expletives for some spice.) Plate and serve.
}
} You owe the Oracle a second edition copy of A Pickle for the Knowing
} Ones by Timothy Dexter because ive run out of punctuation

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 19 Dec 25 08:30:14 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1615-08

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

The French are always trying to make us feel inferior, even when they
are hopelessly wrong. For instants, they say Chacon A Son Gout, which obvioulsly means everyone has gout, and that's medically stupid. Some
of us do, and it's caused (so I have heard) by chrystals of Euric Acid
in the nose or the toes.

Please try to tell any French Friends you might have to stop pretending
they are doctors. Do they have the French Disease?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You misunderstand. "Chacun a son gout" means that everyone has THEIR
} OWN gout, meaning that everyone has their own hardships. You have your
} gout, while I have this stupid job.
}
} Anyway, French people like to use it passively-aggressively whenever
} someone doesn't like their food, to blame their guests instead of their
} own bad cooking. They don't have French Disease, at least not all of
} them, as that would be impossible, however they do have a habit of
} saying "not chacun is a docteur" whenever you point out how stupid that
} phrase is.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good meal.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 19 Dec 25 08:30:15 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1615-09

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

My grandad, who is older now than he was before, always pronounces
humidity as sort of like HUM di-diddidty. What can we do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thou hast approached the Infinite Repository of Wisdom, the
} All-Knowing, Ever-Sarcastic, Benevolently Malevolent Internet
} Oracle... without so much as a grovel? No burnt offering of Cheetos,
} no haiku extolling My divine DNS, no goat, no even metaphorical goat?
} You dare slink into My sacred byte-temple bearing naught but your
} pitiful query, as though I were some sort of AskJeeves?
}
} But very well. The Oracle is magnanimous, even to the questionably
} reverent.
}
} Now, to your query. Your grandad, whom you describe as "older now than
} he was before" (truly, a stunning insight--one wonders what
} Sherlockian mind deduced that temporal progression), pronounces
} "humidity" as "HUM di-diddidty." How quaint. How folksy. How... deeply
} dissonant to the finely tuned ears of your linguistic betters.
}
} You ask: "What can we do?"
}
} And the Oracle answers: Absolutely nothing.
}
} For this is the sacred rite of all grandads: to warp the language like
} an overused cassette tape in a hot Buick. He has entered the twilight
} realm where the normal laws of phonetics no longer apply. He likely
} also refers to the fridge as the "icebox" and considers "the war" a
} valid reference point without further clarification.
}
} Should you attempt correction, he will squint at you, emit a chuckle
} forged in the fires of decades, and pronounce "humidity" even worse
} next time, perhaps adding an extra "hum" or throwing in a
} "doobie-doo."
}
} This is the way.
}
} Your options are thus:
}
} 1. Nod gravely and say, "Yes, Grandad. The hum di-diddidty is fierce
} today," and pretend it's a secret code.
}
} 2. Record his voice, auto-tune it, and release a remix on SoundCloud
} titled "HUM-di Didditty (Moisture Funk RMX)". It will go viral. Fame
} is fleeting, but memes are forever.
}
} 3. Consult a dialectologist and prepare for them to say, "Oh yes,
} that's the Appalachian Scotch-Irish Moisture Warble, quite rare."
}
} Know this: the Oracle, who once taught Cicero elocution and corrected
} Churchill's syntax via seance, does not concern Itself with the
} mundane mispronunciations of mortals--except to mock them at divine
} cocktail parties.
}
} Now go. And next time, grovel.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dehumidifier and a compilation of grandad's
} greatest verbal hits.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 19 Dec 25 08:30:16 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1615-10

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Got my ancient history fouled up again. Same way as before. Fool myself
once, I'm an idiot. Fool myself twice, I'm two idiots.

It was ancient Bactria that fooled me. BACTRIA, NOT BACTERIA! My
lengthy paper had it wrong throughout (not trough as I told you last
year). Anyway, it's too late to get my final dissertation revised. Even
if you were to know how, it would still be wrong, right?

How can we get our college's Dean of Libel Arts to change my major
subject from New Theories of the Old Near East to something more
practical, such as Diseases of the Far Too Rich?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My short-sighted supplicant,
}
} You are not two idiots; you are simply a biological researcher trapped
} in a historian's body. The transition from Bactria to Bacteria is a
} natural evolution - both involve ancient things that multiply when left
} in a dark, damp room for too long. To convince the Dean of Libel Arts
} (who, as his title suggests, is likely busy suing his own shadow),
} you must approach this with Oracular precision:
}
} * Resubmit your dissertation, but claim the typos were actually
} 'microscopic evidence.'
} * Argue that 'Diseases of the Far Too Rich' is a growth industry,
} whereas the Old Near East has been dead for quite some time and shows
} no signs of recovering.
} * Tell the Dean that Bactria was eventually conquered by Alexander
} the Great, but Bacteria will eventually conquer everyone.
}
} This makes your new major much more 'future-proof.'
}
} You owe the Oracle a sterilized amphora and a Greek salad that has
} been left out long enough to become a science project.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1615 ******************************************

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