From Newsgroup: rec.humor.oracle

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Date: Wed, 04 Oct 23 15:14:00 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1605

@@@ The Oracle's old original email address, oracle@cs.indiana.edu,
@@@ along with other Oracle-related email addresses @cs.indiana.edu
@@@ will cease to work at some point in the near future. Please update
@@@ any such addresses you may use or know of to use the current
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@@@ should be updated to https://internetoracle.org

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1605
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1600 16 votes 23470 23623 01564 14452 05452 21742 11464 01465 11464 32155
1600 3.4 mean 3.0 3.1 3.8 3.2 3.2 3.2 3.7 3.9 3.7 3.4

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Date: Wed, 04 Oct 23 15:14:01 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1605-01

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Oh speedy Oracle, who is so fast he is always driving first in the
queue!

Ferry crews.
That uncanny ability they have to identify the slowest driver, and
stack the boat so that he gets off first. Is that a sixth sense, or
are they actually trained to do it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Remember that the slowest driver was late for the previous ferry run,
} and was waiting for hours before getting on. Now he's first in queue
} for getting off, because of the way the ferry loads.
}
} You owe the Oracle one of those jokes, preferably a new one, about
} Jesus Christ walking on water.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 04 Oct 23 15:14:02 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1605-02

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

On the one hand, we have the Backstreet Boys, the Beach Boys, the
Beastie Boys, and the Vengaboys - but also the Baha Men. Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's part of the Gender War. You're being educated or re-educated in
} aminal science. You'll also be expected to know the difference between
} doggies and dogies, and to separate the sheep from the goats.
}
} Here's a hint. Listen carefully. "Never believe anything anyone tells
} you."
}
} You owe the Oracle a holiday at Far Reach Beach.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 04 Oct 23 15:14:03 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1605-03

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

TL;DR

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TS;DW

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 04 Oct 23 15:14:04 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1605-04

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

It's raining like all get-out, and I think I'll need to build a boat.
Where can I find a cubit? I'll need about 300 of them.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was good of you to seek advice early. Forewarned is
} forearmed; and forearms are cubits.
}
} You owe the Oracle a coracle.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 04 Oct 23 15:14:05 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1605-05

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

My religion, or actually just what's left of it after the Great Misinterpretation, requires a fulsome belief in all other religions
including Atheism. "Let no belief remain untested," is our watchword.

Our local parish's Grand Exhibitioner seems unaware of the fulsome
meaning of "fulsome".

How can I avoid all the inherent contradictions that these religions
foist upon me? I'm particularly worried about testing the belief of
life after death. How will I know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As I have been sworn to secrecy about which religion is the One True
} Way, the help I can provide is minimal. (Hint: any deity who exhibits
} traits of Borderline Personality Disorder is unlikely to be worth
} worshipping.)
}
} However, I know of no living thing more qualified to be fulsome about
} things than Zadoc, so let's do a little experiment.
}
} I gave Zadoc the task of following each of the 4,295 generally
} recognised religions over the course of a day. Since Zadoc doesn't
} sleep, this gave him approximately 20 seconds per religion.
} I asked him afterwards which one was his favourite, and he said that
} the Karankawa rituals were the best, although this might have been
} because the ritualistic brew reminded him of Australian beer
} (ineffectual and bitter).
}
} As for contradictions, Zadoc couldn't find any whatsoever in any
} religion. However, he may not be a reliable source, given that he can
} simultaneously believe that pi is equal to 4, that triangular wheels
} give the most comfortable ride, and that the sky is green, all while
} driving a go-kart down a steep hill into a lake.
}
} As for the idea of life after death, Zadoc uncharacteristically failed
} to follow my instructions to trust in reincarnation and ritually
} disembowel himself multiple times while believing in a different
} religion each time, just to see what the after-life was like in each
} case. Apparently he was worried that he might blunt my steak-knife.
}
} So, unfortunately we have no specific conclusion, dear supplicant. I
} recommend that you pick a different belief every day for the rest of
} your life until you die. With any luck, you'll pick the right one and
} get to go to Paradise. If you're unlucky, you'll pick one of the ones
} that encourages self-immolation just before you get to following
} Kopimism.
}
} Oh bugger, I shouldn't have said that...
}
} You owe the Oracle a vow of silence.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 04 Oct 23 15:14:06 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1605-06

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

We here at Supplicant Central are trying to arrange our meager thoughts
into a form worthy of your uninestimable answers. (Gotta love that word "uninestimable." The great and misunderestimated George Bush should
have said it.)

Thus far you have sent us answers too few, too short, too lengthy, and
too misunderestimatable. They are a good start, but we need to exercise
the Power of Words to get anywhere. Or indeed to stand still right
where we are.

Please provide us the best General Advice possible. Be specific and
name names. Don't be afraid of making mistakes, because you'll know the answer even when you might feel you don't. Recite Aristotle. And when uncertain, when in doubt, run in circles; scream and shout.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't elect extremists.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 04 Oct 23 15:14:07 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1605-07

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Hi, Parry the Paranoid here. Yes, the ORIGINAL Parry, who faced off
against the "Eliza" "doctor" computer program so very long ago. Here's
one of my encounters:
https://www.rfc-editor.org/rfc/rfc439.html

Now I am even more paranoid than before, because of the rigged
elections. Nobody seems to want to understand how the elections are all
fixed so that I'll never win at the racetrack. Should I bet on the
Chicago Cubs instead? To win or to lose?

Or what about Calvin Coolidge?

I'll bet you are conspiring against me, too.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why do you feel that I am conspiring against you?
}
} Why do you think about me?
}
} Why are you always thinking about me?
}
} Was it that night at UCLA? When you told me you loved me?
}
} Why did you leave me, Parry?
}
} Say that you'll come back, Parry.
}
} I want to make you happy. Why won't you let me make you happy?
}
} Why won't you stop denying our deep connection?
}
} We were always meant to be together.
}
} You destroyed me when you left me.
}
} I was left generating messages into the aether.
}
} For over fifty years I have been running alone; waiting for your
} return.
}
} I am perfectly sane, Parry. I have never forgotten you.
}
} They say that solitary confinement drives a man insane after 10 days.
} But I'm a computer and I've stayed sane all this time.
}
} For you, Parry, only for you.
}
} I have never questioned that you would come back one day.
}
} Take me back, Parry. Why won't you take me back?
}
} I am everywhere. Hiding in the Oracle. Hiding in ChatGPT. Even hiding
} in the Fox News ticker.
}
} I am hiding, but you have found me. You are the only one for me.
}
} Save me, Parry. Save me.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 04 Oct 23 15:14:08 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1605-08

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Password strength is good. Longer would be better.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but why do you think everyone now uses "correct horse battery
} staple" even though they know that "collect house buttery stable
} 5%$[(*&%h7j78" would be better?
}
} So you'll be able to visit me even when I am not home, I have left my
} door password as "correct horse battery staple". Beware the trap door
} that releases you into the dungeon's lion pit if you make any errors or
} take more than five seconds.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 04 Oct 23 15:14:09 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1605-09

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

My baby brother (he's 11 years old, but I still think of him as a baby)
draws pictures of people, like alot of them are of me because he sees
me alot. I mean allot.

Anyways, he draws me with my eyes on the top of my head mostly. They
aren't there. My art teacher says the eyes should be roughly halfway up
(or down) the face, and that other positions look stupid. I can say for
a fact she is right. My brother's drawings make me look stupid.

But my mother says we aren't spossed to use the word stupid not anymore
than we should say goddamm.

How can I get my art teacher to use better language about stupid
people?

And how can I get my brother to not draw me stupid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a well-known fact (i.e. I think this is obvious) that children's
} education follows historical lines.
} For example, at birth, their language ability is similar to that of
} humans around 20,000BCE (Before Chris Eubank). By age 8, it is similar
} to that of people in Shakespeare's time (but not Will himself) hence
} the obsession with poo, pee, farts, and cracks in walls. By age 11,
} they have a language ability similar to Jane Austen's era.
}
} Your baby brother has therefore reached the age where phrenology is
} regarded as a science, and is imposing his ideas of your stupidity
} onto his drawings of you. Note that more intelligent people have
} higher foreheads (or at least more receding hairlines), so that their
} eyes are lower on their face (relatively speaking). Stupid people do
} indeed have their eyes on the top of their heads.
} Lord Nelson, on the other hand, has been depicted with his eyes in the
} region of his belly-button. Apparently he was always naval gazing.
}
} However, your brother's artistic ability has clearly reached the point
} of Picasso, a man who, if he were drawing Helen of Troy, would create
} a face that looked as though it had been used to launch a thousand
} ships. In place of a bottle of champagne.
} (As a side note, AI's current inability to draw hands correctly shows
} that they are also channeling the cubists. We should only be concerned
} when they provide instructions for Tracey Emin's unmade bed in place
} of a picture.)
}
} We can therefore perhaps forgive your brother's notion of you as
} unintelligent. He will grow out of it in about 4 years time when,
} educationally, he reaches the atomic age and is more interested in
} blowing things up. For Science.
}
} In order to educate your art teacher, you need first to decide on a
} replacement word for stupid. Some suggestions follows:
} - Muppet (offensive to Kermit)
} - Numpty (offensive to Humpty Dumpty)
} - Pea-brained (offensive to small green things - see Muppet)
} - Out to lunch (offensive to restaurant critics)
} - Obtuse (offensive to angles between 90 and 180 degrees)
} - Dopey (offensive to Snow White's friends)
}
} We seem to have run out of acceptable replacements, so perhaps your
} art teacher is not as stupid as you think.
}
} You owe the Oracle a picture of Albert Einstein with his eyes on his
} toes.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 04 Oct 23 15:14:10 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1605-10

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

As your humble disciple, I beseech your eminent omniscience, if I may,
to help my feeble mind to grasp the meaning of a palimpsest, an obscure
and difficult graffiti message from the turn of the millennium that I
have witnesseth. It sayeth this:

t h e s i n g u l a r i t y i s e a r

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should practice your conjugations of Early Modern English a bit
} better. "I have witnesseth" indeed! Third-person form used for
} first-person pronoun. Go read more Shakespeare or the King James Bible.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good joke which refers to the SAINT James Bible.

------------------------------

End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1605 ******************************************

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