From Newsgroup: rec.humor.oracle

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Date: Mon, 01 May 23 11:26:01 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1603

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1603
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1598 14 votes 01355 10355 00752 13154 12470 02534 10652 35411 12830 35330
1598 3.3 mean 4.0 3.9 3.6 3.6 3.2 3.6 3.5 2.4 2.9 2.4

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 01 May 23 11:26:03 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1603-01

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I demand satisfaction.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've got it! If anything's wrong, demand your money back. Heck, make
} that double your money back.
}
} You still owe the Oracle for three previous answers.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 01 May 23 11:26:04 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1603-02

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Who is Sarah Tops, and why should I try her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should try to study your etymology more carefully. Get the bugs
} out. "Cera" is from the Latin for wax. She wears hats made of
} wax on top of her head. Three of them.
}
} Try to date her in the Late Cretaceous, before the K-T event, or
} she will vanish and you'll never see her again.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 01 May 23 11:26:05 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1603-03

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I have devised a slightly unique proof that 1 + 1 equals two, but the
margins of my brain are too small to contain it. Please give me a proof
that is more uniquer without being hopeless.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is one that has taxed* mathematicians since the Dawn of Time, so
} any proof would be unique.
} * Mathematicians are very poorly paid and so very rarely owe tax. At
} least that's what they tell HMRC; why else do you think they invented
} imaginary numbers?
}
} If we assume:
} 1) A spherical cow.
} 2) A frictionless slope.
} 3) The Axiom of Choice.
} then we come up with a cow that chooses to go downhill to make an
} ethically produced milkshake.
}
} I'll try again.
}
} If we take the average number of romantic partners a mathematician has:
} Zero (yes, that's mean).
} and add the average number of number of coherent ideas in an Elon Musk
} tweet: Zero (like an ancient Iranian, that's Medeian)
} then we get Zero.
}
} Nope, still not right.
}
} If a football team wins one game, and then they win another game,
} meaning that they win the tournament, we find that two wins make
} three.
}
} Tricky this, isn't it?
}
} If we take one brain-dead supplicant, and add another brain-dead
} supplicant, we have a barely adequate meal for a zombie.
}
} Nope, I give up.
}
} You owe the Oracle the reason why wonton dumplings do not weigh one
} tonne.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 01 May 23 11:26:06 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1603-04

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Please give me an excuse. I seem to have run out of excuses, because my
dog refuses to eat any more of my homework and my grandmother says she
is tired of having funerals. She says, "Any other decent grandmother
would have just one funeral and be done with it. Why do I have to have
eight of them? And that's not including the one you scheduled for
finals week. That's just too many."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd love to, but unfortunately, I'm flossing my cat. Perhaps Zadoc
} might be able to help.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pack of chicken-flavored floss.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 01 May 23 11:26:07 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1603-05

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

You said it would be like being on hallowed ground. Instead it was
HOLLOWED ground and I fell in. Where am I now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Middle Earth.
}
} It's a bad Hobbit of mine.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 01 May 23 11:26:08 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1603-06

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Sorry, it was merely a case of mistaken identify. I though you were the Oracle, but instead you're just one of his incarnations. You'll never
be able to give me the solution to the elephantine equations.

Instead I'll ask something that's more or less within the bounds of the
usual incarnational ability.

Explain this joke so that my little brother can understand it.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a banana?
A: |elephant| * |banana| * sin(theta)

Also so that I can, too.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that's a tricky one,
}
} First, you have to put the banana and the elephant in box cars. This is
} to clearly delineate the two terms, hence the |elephant| and |banana|.
}
} Then you have to put those box cars behind some form of engine. In this
} case, powered by the sin of the theta (as opposed to the sins of the
} father).
}
} Finally, you put in the links (*) between the cars and the engine.
}
} Then you can get on board, leave the station, and use the banana to
} tickle the elephant under the, well, let's not go there for your little
} brother. Which of course makes the elephant cross since you aren't a
} lady elephant.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of burning ducks.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 01 May 23 11:26:09 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1603-07

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Attention! The law firm Fenster, Fenster, Fenster and Fenetre has been retrained by M1crosoft to sue you, the Internent Oracle, for making disparaging remarks about Windows. If you do not remove all offensive material from your website and e-mail ("E-MAIL" or "EMAIL") within 24
hours from noon, yesterday, we will be forced to take action against
both you and your assistant Zadoc. Please remove your hands from the
keyboard and your fingers. Any questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I sure hope so, it's how I stay in business.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 01 May 23 11:26:10 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1603-08

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

My grandfather grows germaniuims the flours, not the radioactive
fuels. But I was thinking that if I could get him to grow fuels
instead we would have semi-infite power. Like lots of biggawats.

What's the best way to seperate germanuiums (the power not the
flowr) from the oar? Do I need a Oak Ridge? Grandfather has a Oak
Tree.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why hello there, precocious youth!
}
} Germanium isn't really germane to making power,
} Uranium would be best, but doesn't rhyme with a flower.
} Fusion is very near, within twenty years or so they say,
} But they repeat that mantra every decade without delay.
} Figure something out with this, a 1 millimeter black hole,
} Learn some physics, and some math, but please keep it under control.
} There's energy to be had, both potential and kinetic.
} Accept this kind gift from me, everyone's favourite mystic.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 01 May 23 11:26:11 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1603-09

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

O great oracle, who is... still here? Wow.

Long ago, another oracle was asked who the wisest person alive was.
She replied that that person was Socrates, no doubt because, as another
story goes, he alone understood that he understood nothing. Is there
anyone in the present day who has that same valuable understanding?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Understanding nothing is difficult. As Martin Heidegger famously said,
} "Das Nichts selbst nichtet." Immediately there is a difficulty. "Was
} ist das Nichts?" Does nothing have existential qualities that allow it
} the action of nothinging?
}
} Socrates cannot be said to have wisdom of nothing by simply asserting
} that he knows nothing. He steps perilously close to the abyss into
} which Epimenides dropped his famous paradox. Negative (or negatative)
} self-reference is a trap (or tarp) for the philosophically unaware. You
} now have all the tools you need to understand the misunderstandable, to
} eff the ineffable, or to screw (or unscrew) the inscrutable.
}
} You owe the Oracle double nothing and a pair of clean unnerwear.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 01 May 23 11:26:12 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1603-10

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

My dad asked me what I do for work and I said I'm a EE and that my
current (and voltage) project involves calculating megohms in
insulators so that kilowatts of electricity don't get lost.

Dad didn't get it. He's now telling people that I am a terrace. He says terrace live in meg-homes where they send MAGA insultors everywhere. He
says, "My own son, how could you do this?" I told him that it's Ohm's
Law and now he wants to kill Ohm before the killer-what (his term, not
mine) can get us. He wants me to give him my 15 salt rifles.

As you can see we are getting very nowhere much too fast. Can you
please supply some entropy to our house?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is pleased to be asked to provide some semblance of
} disorder.
}
} Zadoc will be dispatched immediately. He will bring with him:
} - 3 untrained parrots who shout "Who's a pretty cracker?" and "Pieces
} of Polly".
} - 7 incontinent hamsters in balls.
} - 15 lava lamps, made with real lava.
} - 11 sturdy ferrets that are trained to climb trouser legs, but not to
} descend them.
} - 8 Parakeets.
} - 8 Pairs of other romantic poets.
} - 9 Sentimental ostriches who hide their heads in sand-sculptures of
} Queen Elizabeth II
} - 7 half-eaten ploughman's lunches.
} - 7 lions, stuffed after eating 7 ploughmen (but not their lunches).
} - 2 koalas who are waiting for their STI results before mating.
} - 17 suspicious herbivores.
} - 16 real-estate agents who are all trying to sell off council estates.
} - 11 small walruses (walrii?)
} - 14 tea-cosies.
} - 117 plastic bags.
} - 1 wasp (inside one of the plastic bags).
} - 3 pairs of curtains
}
} You owe the Oracle some ordered thinking.

------------------------------

End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1603 ******************************************

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