From Newsgroup: rec.humor.oracle

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Date: Thu, 11 Sep 25 09:12:07 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1614

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1614
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1609 8 votes 10241 12311 01313 11420 13211 01331 10232 11321 01232 01313
1609 3.4 mean 3.5 2.9 3.8 2.9 2.8 3.5 3.6 3.1 3.8 3.8

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Date: Thu, 11 Sep 25 09:12:08 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1614-01

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Remember when I threatened you, and said, "Or my name isn't Badwords D. Ixtofluffl!"?

Well, it wasn't. I'm still Fred Smith. No, not that one, the other one.

Why doesn't anyone take me seriously?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, the other Fred Smith. The one who also isn't really Fred Smith.
}
} But really, what's in a name? You are Doug Dachshund. Maker of pipe
} cleaner models of famous movie scenes (your re-creation of Scarlett
} O'Hara's red velvet gown out of toilet paper smeared with lipstick was
} almost inspired). You wanted to see the Grand Canyon and spent the day
} admiring the typographical font. You are the man who filed a libel suit
} against yourself when you spilled coffee in your lap at a Dunkin'
} Donuts and accused yourself of being a "failed Boston Cream". You
} hoisted a "Free Huey" banner atop Cinderella Castle and demanded that
} Dumbo fly you to Cuba. You are ... you.
}
} As for why nobody takes you seriously, I wouldn't want to speculate.
}
} You owe the Oracle a re-creation of the campfire bean scene from
} Blazing Saddles.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 11 Sep 25 09:12:09 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1614-02

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Bible time! Jonah and the Whale. How did he get the whale on the Ark?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't you remember? It was the dawning of the age of aquariums.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 11 Sep 25 09:12:10 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1614-03

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

My brother says I'm in Cahoots with you. Where is that? Somewhere in
Indiana, I'll bet. You're always in Indiana except when you are
somewhere else.

Tell me where to go.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you're in cahoots and you don't know where to go to, why don't you
} go where fascism knits? Pudding at Berlitz.
}
} Different kites who wear a baked goat,
} Pandas, lice, and caraway boats -
} Purple Fritz...
} Pudding at Berlitz.
}
} You owe the Oracle a million-dollar pooper scooper.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 11 Sep 25 09:12:11 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1614-04

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Oh Oracle, most adorable!

Dos you celebrate valentines, villiantines or Ballantines?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, Ballantine's most certainly. But there are two, the Scotch whisky
} and the American beer. How to decide, how to decide?
}
} Of course! You owe the Oracle a never-ending supply of both.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 11 Sep 25 09:12:12 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1614-05

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

To my untrained but nasally sufficient ear, the Dutch language sounds
exactly like German, except for being spoken under water whilst trying
to gargle. In what other ways are those languages not exactly French?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle has heard your question and, after gargling
} three liters of carbonated mineral water while wearing clogs, deigns
} to respond:
}
} Ah, yes, Dutch and German - the linguistic cousins who show up to
} family reunions in matching lederhosen, but one insists on wearing
} scuba gear. Dutch sounds like German that accidentally swallowed an
} aquarium, while German sounds like Dutch that found a marching band
} and decided to yell commands at it.
}
} As for "not exactly French"?
}
} French prefers to collapse half its consonants into a suave nasal sigh.
} Dutch, meanwhile, hangs on to consonants like a drowning man clinging
} to a bicycle.
}
} German builds words the way IKEA builds wardrobes: 47 parts, one allen
} key, and instructions that make you feel inadequate. Dutch builds
} words the same way, but someone spilled mayonnaise all over the manual.
}
} French whispers "je t'aime" into your ear; German shouts "ICH LIEBE
} DICH" across the valley; Dutch says "Ik hou van jou" but it sounds
} like the valley itself is full of phlegm.
}
} Payment demanded:
} You must provide the Oracle with one waterproof accordion, two buckets
} of throat lozenges, and an entire French mime troupe trained to gargle
} Edith Piaf underwater while reciting IKEA assembly instructions. Only
} then shall the cosmic balance between nasal vowels and submerged
} consonants be restored.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 11 Sep 25 09:12:13 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1614-06

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Wise and crafty Oracle, I must deeply appollogise for saying you are
wise and crufty. No harm was intended, mostly.

What should I avoid next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, your apology is accepted, though the word "crufty" has already
} attached itself to my sandals like bubblegum on a hot sidewalk.
}
} As for what to avoid next, the list is long but crucial:
}
} * Avoid stepping on Lego bricks barefoot. (Even gods fear this pain.)
} * Avoid asking Zadoc for directions: he will bow so low you'll trip
} over him.
} * Avoid investing heavily in Flat Earth real estate. The edges are very
} drafty.
} * Avoid your brother, especially when he insists he was in your dreams
} again.
} * Avoid spelling "apollogise" with two l's, unless you mean
} you're offering Apollo as a sacrifice.
} * Avoid confusing equity with horses. Especially in court.
}
} You owe the Oracle:
}
} * One apology correctly spelled, framed, and hung in a gallery of
} failed spellcheckers.
} * Three gallons of industrial-strength Lego remover.
} * And a crufty old computer from 1987, so I can be wise and properly
} retro.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 11 Sep 25 09:12:14 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1614-07

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

They threatened to oblimonate you but I punched 'em in the garbongza.
Why can't my life be better, at least last week?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for the garbongza-punching. Oblimonation is the worst fate
} for an Oracle: all the questions are erased, but the answers remain,
} wandering aimlessly and replying to doorknobs, spoons, and confused
} marmots. You saved me from that.
}
} As for why your life cannot be better last week: time is one-way only.
} You can fix today, maybe tomorrow, but not yesterday. You can't
} butter bread that's already eaten.
}
} Still, there are ways to cope:
}
} Apply to the Bureau of Temporal Exchanges. They can sell you a
} second-hand "Better Last Week," but it usually arrives missing a
} Tuesday.
}
} Use Retroactive Optimism: just remember last week as better than it
} was. Memories are editable.
}
} Hire Buster Keaton to reenact your disasters in black-and-white
} slapstick. It makes misery charming.
}
} Or try Pre-emptive Regret: regret things before they happen, so when
} they do, you feel accomplished.
}
} You owe the Oracle:
}
} *One authentic garbongza, to replace the one you flattened.
}
} *A calendar with last week crossed out and replaced with "picnics,
} triumphs, and free snacks."
}
} *A small jar of Oblimonation Repellent, lemon-scented.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 11 Sep 25 09:12:15 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1614-08

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

O Oracle On The Hill, what's the joke about the ten nurses, the four
pilots, the barbed wire and the case of root beer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the sacred assembly of ten nurses, four pilots, barbed wire, and
} a case of root beer -- a situation that requires careful application
} of logic, beverage management, and occupational alignment. Here is
} the explanation:
}
} 1. Musical Application
}
} * The nurses provided the heartbeat section.
} * The pilots handled the air instruments.
} * The barbed wire contributed sharp accents.
} * The root beer supplied the percussive pop.
} Result: a coordinated symphony, performed in a space not intended for
} symphonies, but with remarkable structural integrity.
}
} 2. Philosophical Application
}
} * Nurses pondered the nature of care.
} * Pilots debated free will vs. autopilot.
} * Barbed wire examined boundaries and limits.
} * Root beer asked the essential question: "To fizz or not to fizz?"
} Outcome: simultaneous enlightenment and minor beverage-related chaos.
}
} 3. Disaster-Preparedness Application
}
} * Nurses organized mass checkups.
} * Pilots executed indoor emergency landings.
} * Barbed wire attempted to contain the situation, occasionally
} succeeding.
} * Root beer served as morale booster, with predictable effervescence.
} Lesson: mixtures of professionals, fences, and fizzy liquids always
} result in order-of-magnitude unexpectedness, which is itself a lesson.
}
} Oracle Payment Suggested
}
} * One tiny conductor's baton
} * A miniature clipboard for philosophical notation
} * A small umbrella for root beer effervescence
} * Optional: a miniature observer to monitor structural integrity

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 11 Sep 25 09:12:16 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1614-09

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

More news stories about plummets. "Woman plummets," they said.
Something about a boat.

You'll know more than I do about plummets. What sort of feathers do
female plummets have?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Plummets don't have feathers, foolish supplicant. The term is a
} contraction of "plumberette" - a female plumber.
} As opposed to a plumbum, who's lead astray.
} Considered good luck on a boat, of course, having someone who knows a
} thing or two about leaks.
}
} You owe the Oracle a washer. Man or woman, I don't discriminate.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 11 Sep 25 09:12:17 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1614-10

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

I don't think I got it right. Was that assignment about the
Isreal-Hamas war or the Israle-Harras war. Three diferent versions from
four differant people. I know that Vice Prseidente Harrass has
something to do with it. But what? And who are they?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, weary seeker of historical and political clarity! Fear not, for
} confusion is the natural state when multiple tongues, faulty spelling,
} and rumor collide. You are juggling not "Israle-Harras" but the much
} graver, real-world "Israel-Hamas" conflict. The other versions are
} playful distortions of letters and names -- like shadows dancing on
} a wall -- yet they reveal the chaos of hearsay and typos.
}
} As for Vice Presidente Harrass, that seems to be a curious concoction
} of phonetics, imagination, and perhaps late-night keyboard mashing. No
} such official exists, though in your mind they are a convenient
} scapegoat to explain the incomprehensible.
}
} Thus, the true answer: focus on Israel and Hamas, ignore the linguistic
} chimera of Harrass, and treat each "version" as a lesson in human
} error, not in geopolitics.
}
} Oracle Contribution Owed: one reality-check pamphlet, a sturdy pair
} of glasses for reading fine print, and a whisper to yourself that
} spelling matters -- sometimes more than diplomacy.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1614 ******************************************

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