From Newsgroup: rec.humor.oracle

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Date: Mon, 07 Sep 26 21:06:32 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1617

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1617
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1612 11 votes 01172 13430 11351 01334 11333 10145 13421 00344 21251 02423
1612 3.5 mean 3.9 2.8 3.4 3.9 3.5 4.1 2.9 4.1 3.2 3.5

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 07 Sep 26 21:06:33 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1617-01

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

We've got to do something about the poor quality of your incarnations.
I asked you for advice on how to become a full-stack developer. You (in
the person of your cubic incarnation number 74088) sent the advice, and
I followed it to the letter. Every. Stinking. Letter.

Something must have gone wrong after the advice left your control,
because I am now a floop-stink developooper. And eating even more beans doesn't help.

What's the best way for you to acquire top-notch incarnations, instead
of the useless and cruftly preboggled clown clones that seem to retroflabulate nearly all of your answers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} These days, with the advent of AI, the meaning of full-stack developer
} no longer refers to a software developer who has been spread too thin
} (like a dedicated dieter's weekly helping of butter). Rather, it
} refers to a computer-science graduate-turned-waiter who can balance a
} full stack of plates on their hand and simultaneously remember orders
} for three different tables, including the fact that Table 6 has three
} lactose-intolerants, a vegan, and a nut-allergy.
}
} Top-notch incarnations only come about when computer-science graduates
} have enough remaining mental energy to write daily creative replies
} instead of only on bank holidays.
}
} You owe it to this incarnation of the Oracle not to spit in his
} gazpacho soup when he asks for it to be heated up.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 07 Sep 26 21:06:34 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1617-02

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

inking some Irish coffee to steady my nerves, but then

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} it was decided to turn the question into an endless loop when I
} started dr

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 07 Sep 26 21:06:35 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1617-03

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

The Agnus Dei (that's Latin for "Agnes daily") tells us "Miserere
nobis" which obviously (without bothering to lookup) means '"We are miserable."'

Correct my defective and deponent verbs and tell me if my sin's
original, or if I need a cosin instead.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Plato, it's all in Plato; what do they teach them in school these
} days? Clearly not Latin, of which Plato is the epitome.
}
} That reminds me, my primary school teacher told us it was all in
} Play-dough which, if you see Tony Hart's Morph as an everyman
} character, embedded in a confusing and surreal world where there is
} no comprehensible sound, but simply universal understanding (much
} like Mr Bean), does make sense.
}
} Anyway, back to Plato.
}
} Agnus Dei is actually a misspelling of "Angus Day", the well known
} surreal and metaphorical artist. It also refers to the Latin dance
} "Lamb-ada", combining surrealism with intimate dancing, which is fine
} unless your partner looks like Picasso's Weeping Woman, which might
} mean you need your cataracts seeing to.
}
} "Miserere Nobis" is a satirical comment from Jonathan Swift. The
} average man on the Clapham Omnibus (aka the Battersea replacement
} bus-service) would hear this as "The nobs [nobility] are misers" and
} accept it as a take down of the money-hoarding billionaires. However,
} the more classically educated nobility would translate it as "Have
} mercy on our 'members'" referring either to the members of Parliament
} (House of Lords, not the Johnny-come-lately Commons upstarts) who
} were overworked, or possibly as a plea to the syphilis doctors to
} apply only gentle treatments as far as possible.
}
} Thus, Swift satirised the different focuses of the lower and upper
} classes, either their downtrodden lot in life, or their undeserved
} sufferings for their overworked members (in either sense).
}
} So, there you have it, dear supplicant. There is no such thing as
} original sin (although I've just thought of something incredibly
} naughty involving three members of the aristocracy, a lawn-mower, two
} pints of custard, and a copy of George Orwell's A Short Walk Off
} Wigan Pier, which I'm fairly sure is original).
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Pliny's Naturist Hysterical.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 07 Sep 26 21:06:36 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1617-04

Selected-By: Rich <mvsopen@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Ukrainians have "chuck" names like Kovalchuck and Nemetschuck. Is your
pet rodent also Ukrainian?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, it's the offspring of Elijah Wood and Chuck Lorre.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 07 Sep 26 21:06:37 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1617-05

Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

The internet stopped working and my dad blames me, says he can't get
any work done. I think he means he can't watch any cat videos. Please
tell me how to make cat videos appear even if the internet is dephlogisticated. (My dad uses that word when he is angry.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Youngsters... As the Oracle dates back to a time before the word
} "dephlogisticated" was invented, I have a stack of related answers for
} when people's only form of distraction failed.
}
} * Rub two sticks together to relight the fire - Uncle Og will be able
} to restart his shadow-puppet show of when Auntie Ug fought off a
} grizzly bear in no time.
}
} * Sorry to hear that little Nikolaos dropped your favourite toy; you
} could just attach some wheels to the sheep your mother's cooking for
} dinner tonight and pull that around instead.
}
} * So the pieces for "Game of Robbers" are all missing? No problem, use
} this boot, flat-iron, and sponge-on-a-stick as pieces for a game I
} call "Single-point-of-Ownership". The concept of "King's Cross" and
} "Free Parking" might be confusing at first.
}
} * Does it matter if Will is dead and no-one's coming to see your plays
} anymore? Just write down any old rubbish and put his name on it.
} Here's a script for "The Birth of Merlin".
}
} * So, Tiny Tim has smashed your kaleidoscope with his foot yet again?
} Just eat these mushrooms and you'll be seeing weird colours and shapes
} for the rest of the night.
}
} * Ask your mother to move her combined ethical hacking and
} cryptocurrency business onto a different ISP; that nice Mr Putin is
} targeting her again.
}
} You owe the Oracle some cute pictures of your dog (if you need cat
} videos, clearly you don't have a cat, and no-one could possibly live
} without a pet of some sort).

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 07 Sep 26 21:06:38 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1617-06

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Here's a message from my grandmother: "You tell your stupid oracle
friend that he's not as smart as he thinks he is. When I was a girl we
had oracles like the girl next door, Pythia Hardenbotham, who could
even tell the time of day without knowing. You tell him THAT! None of
us knew what Pythia would say next. Her advice was always correct when
it disagreed with whatever my mother (that's your great-grandmaw)
wanted us to do."

So I told you. What should we expect?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Remind your grandmother that some of Pythia's sage advice included:
}
} * "It's only three-thirty; tea-time's not for ages yet" - when it was
} clearly night-time and the height of summer, meaning that her mother
} was worried sick.
}
} * "Derrick Crane-fly hates you" when she knew perfectly well that
} Derrick had written four sonnets addressed to your grandmother.
}
} * "That tree's perfectly safe" when she'd spent the previous day sawing
} halfway through the branches.
}
} * "Cows will run away if you shout 'moo' at them" - partly true,
} although it didn't help when the field was actually full of shire
} horses painted black and white (by Pythia's brother Gerald).
}
} Now that Pythia is 87 and claiming that Elon Musk is planning to whisk
} her away to Mars if she can get her friends to send her $890 in Amazon
} gift cards, she should expect a call from social services.
}
} You owe the Oracle $800 in Apple gift cards.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 07 Sep 26 21:06:39 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1617-07

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Please tell me how to find a time machine for my parents, Kane Sugary
and Mable "Sweetie" Sugary, so that they can go back and reconsider how
to name me, their son.

As you can plainly see my name is Brian Sugary. And you can easily see
the future in which I'll be trapped into performing brain surgery
(about which I know next to nothing) on unsuspecting suspects. Only a retronominal expedition can save us now! Or is that retronomeal?

Please make sure that no tacheons are left unharmed.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Sir Upcorn Sugary,
}
} We should like to extend our congratulations to you and bestow upon you
} the honour of a British knighthood. This is in recognition of your
} tireless campaigning against the evils of the empire into which you
} were born, and whose far-reaching effects you have been instrumental
} in tearing down.
}
} On the occasion of your 18th birthday, when your parents Kane and Mable
} were about to give you sole proprietorship of their treacle empire, you
} discovered that your birth certificate had been edited. Originally it
} had read "Brian", but an alteration had been made, to read "Upcorn"
} instead. Further investigation by the Munchester Grauniad newspaper
} revealed that this had been done by none other than your grandfather
} Albeet Sugary to hide the horrifying fact that he was trying to prevent
} your entry into the medical profession. Desperate to uncover why this
} was the case, you discovered, via seance (or possibly science), that
} sugar was harming the brains (and Branes and Brians) of children
} everywhere.
}
} Inspired by this discovery, you renounced the sugary fortune, in a
} letter headed "Fruct Off" and dedicated your life to medical
} research. Having persuaded your siblings Dexter, Rose, and Karma L.
} Sugary to join you, you teased out the ways in which sugar was damaging
} to human health.
}
} Your efforts have clearly saved our nation, and indeed all, nations
} from the plight of small hyperactive children running around
} everywhere.
}
} We trust that you will be able to join myself and my Queen Karamella at
} Barley-Moral Castle to receive this honour.
}
} Charles Brian Half-Windsor-Soup III
}
} You owe the Oracle some less tacky tachyons.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 07 Sep 26 21:06:40 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1617-08

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Please tell me again about the shape of the earth. My dad want's me to
prove that it's not a tetrahedron. I don't even have a tetrahedron to
hold it up for comparing to. Maybe a trapezoid or a trampoline would be better? You are so wise that you will know the answer even if there
isn't one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, Gratzabarpling, for the last time, you know that if you try to
} prove to your father that it's not a tetrahedron, he'll get angry and
} squash the whole earth so that it actually is a tetrahedron, and then
} the Supreme Galactic High Command will have to confiscate his
} world-building privileges while they rebuild the whole human race from
} scratch. Again.
}
} You owe the Oracle something to distract petulant gods who are stuck in
} middle management and trying to go through a midlife crisis without
} access to a decent motorbike showroom.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 07 Sep 26 21:06:41 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1617-09

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

What's a "road jack", and how do I hit it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You could start by don't coming back no more.
}
} Meanwhile, you owe the Oracle twenty well-forgotten songs, and for
} Zadoc, who so often gets forgotten himself, a set of left-handed
} bagpipes.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 07 Sep 26 21:06:42 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1617-10

Selected-By: Peter Neilson <neilson@windstream.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Length of his nose in scentometers? Do they think I'm French or
something? Where are the Belgians when we really need them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The only famous Belgians are Tintin and Hercule Poirot. Both are
} investigators, known for sniffing things out, and so they came up
} with the idea of the scent-o-meter, a way of testing the strength
} of perfume.
}
} They became suspicious of the French when they caught them selling
} Eau-de-Toilette, which translates as "Water of Sewage". This was not
} a surprise to the Belgians as they had long been aware of weird
} smells drifting across the Ardennes. However, with the scent-o-meter,
} they could finally prove it.
}
} Various versions of this device were available from the cheap ("Can
} detect a Thames Water pipe from 10m away"), through the moderately
} priced ("Can detect a branch of The Body Shop from 100m away"), to
} the deluxe ("Can detect if a flatulent chihuahua has been within 1km
} of this field in the past week").
}
} Therefore, Hercules and Tintin became incredibly rich, and gave up
} their day jobs to pursue big business in the US of A. They eventually
} sold their business when all their scent-o-meters went "ping" very
} loudly, and broke, upon the installation of Richard Nixon in the
} White House.
}
} You owe the Oracle protection against French onions.

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End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1617 ******************************************

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