From Newsgroup: rec.arts.poems


George J. Dance@novabbs.com (George J. Dance) posted:

Anther day, another change of topic, another new thread;
from https://www.novabbs.com/arts/post.php

Will Dockery wrote:

Michael Monkey Peabrain aka
"HarryLime" wrote:

Will Dockery wrote:

Michael Monkey Peabrain aka
"HarryLime" wrote:

Of course, I wrote a very similar opening line back in 1976 that has >>>>> been visible online for at least a decade, and I hadn't seen the Robert >>>>> Creeley poem either, "The seconds have piled up at the floor..."

https://www.novabbs.com/arts/article-flat.php?id=256444&group=alt.arts.poetry.comments#256444

***

Shattered

The seconds have piled up
at the floor
lost here in some other guy's past
lying there
with your seconds piled
there went by a life
untold
unasked
going by
never caused and never traced
the future never ever appears here.

If some morning I wake
here for you
trying to find some reason to return
if I see things denied
I once defined
a life just passed me by there
slipped through my fingers
everything here now is real
so wait.
That portion of the finish
never comes.

Now that the lights are going so low
the dimming glow
falls on my ego
now that I'm falling
into my morning
here I am gazing into those
reflector eyes
morning light
is blasting my head clean too.
Morning's clearer
I've been forgetting it.

Your thoughts seem to stream
like a highway
dimming lights seem to streak
like hitch-hikers.
When does this dream end?
When do I get on up the road?
The light sped out
like a fire-fly
like gravestones
never noticed
never seen.
Like marbles
spilling from shattered minds.

-Will Dockery / August 20 1976

***
(Published March 1977 in the Carverlite, the Carver High School

newspaper, Columbus Georgia)

From:
https://shadowville-mythos.blogspot.com/2023/09/shattered.html?m=1 >>>>>
***

I didn't accuse you of borrowing my line, but they are very similar >>>>> opening lines.

No, they really aren't. "Time piles up" is a common expression
-- as are more specific variations like "seconds pile up," "minutes pile >>>> up," "hours pile up," "days pile up," "weeks pile up," "months pile up," >>>> etc.

Not to mention the fact that "at the floor" is just bad English. The >>>> seconds would pile up *on* the floor, not *at* it.

--

After some thought and discussion with my editor, I agree.

Although it doesn't matter at this point, the change in my poem was
actually made by /another/ editor nearly fifty years ago, for the first >>> publication in my high school newspaper:

https://www.facebook.com/share/p/15ndUbyxDi/

In my original typed manuscript I had written:

"The seconds have piled up on the floor, lost here in some other guy's >>> past."

But somewhere during the fancy typesetting, artwork and whatnot, my
friend and editor Michael Ehrhart changed "on" to "at" and his overall >>> job was so dazzling that we just ran with it back in 1976:

https://www.facebook.com/share/p/15ndUbyxDi/

What's "dazzling" about it? It's chock full of errors.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Can you point out the errors?

Hopefully I caught them all in my later revisions.

Your friend should have first run it past his English teacher... oh,
right... your English teacher was Danny Barfield.

Since the poem was edited for a high school "literary journal" it would
have been run past the English teacher supervising it; which I don't
think was Dan Barfield.

Since Will's asked me to do a re-edit, I would also like to MMP's spell
out of all those alleged "errors" - it would be very helpful.

Thanks again, GJD.
--
Poetry and songs of Will Dockery:
https://www.reverbnation.com/willdockery
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