Forum: Too Lazy BBS

LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #426: LetterinG MaN #7

From Arthur Spitzer@arspitzer2@gmail.com to rec.arts.comics.creative on Sun Aug 16 20:41:46 2026

From Newsgroup: rec.arts.comics.creative

--000000000000d37520065930145d
Content-Type: text/plain; charset="UTF-8"

And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive
once again.

Here's where you can find this and more LetterinG MaN
Action!:

https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/LetterinG.MaN/

And it's LetterinG MaN #7 by Charles FitzGerald!

Is being a WC the secret to getting the ladies?!
What will the Comic Code think of aLLiterative Lass
taking all these showers?!!

And is it finally time for the return of -- CUT-OUT
MAN?!!!!!

Find out in...

_
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \

|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
||
|_| OF NET.HEROES

ADVENTURES #426

=====================
LetterinG MaN #7
=====================

********* ********************************************************** See
* Mi-T * ****************** !* !* !*****************
Note
* Big * ********************* !**** !***** !** !******************
Below
* Comix * *************** !** !**** !*** !*** !***************
* * ******* !** !*** !**** !***** !* !*** !** !** !*******
* * ******* !****** !*** !**** !* !** !* !* !*
!**********
* * !**** !************************************** ! ! !**
!
* * !**** !****** !*** !** !** !** !**** !* !*
!******
********* !**** !** !* !* !** !* !* !**** !** !* !**
!
*L May93* !************* ! ! !* !** !* ! ! !**************
!*** !
* No. 7 * !********** !* !* !* !* !* !***************
!*
* * **************** !***** !* !** !* !**
!*********************** ******************************************************************************
starring
LL LL LL
LL LL LL
a LLL LLL iterative LLL ass

<A little square below the left hand corner insignia thing has written
in it, "Now appearing TWICE a month!">

<The cover has a picture of Cheesecake-Eater Lad sitting in the midst of
a flower patch, pulling the petals off a flower and saying "She loves me;
she loves me not. She loves me ...." There is one petal left on the
flower.>

<Note: In this corner, "The Great Public Domain Caper Crossover!" is
written.>

*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************

<At the top of the page is written in a digital style "5:30 AM". In a
brown box to the right of the page is written the following:
Bert Niceguy: Plotter/Editor
Wilt Poortastio: Special Guest Penciller!!
Ihave Blackface: Inks
Roy G. Biv: Colors
Martin Phipps and Charles F. FitzGerald: Scripters.>

<The panel shows a shot of a long boardroom with a bunch of non-descript
suited men sitting around a massive table. At the far end, a short, pudgy
man stands pounding his cybernetic arm on the table.>

"I can't believe you allowed this to happen!" the chairman screamed at his fellow board members. "What do I pay you boneheads for!!"

*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************

<A tall, thin man in a gray double-breasted suit on the far end of the
table stands in response.>

"Please, sir, control yourself," Bert Niceguy said with the calm self- possession of one of your more scaly reptiles. "This fluctuation is merely
a seasonal variance. There is _really_ nothing to be afraid of."

<The man at the other end glared at his subordinate across the long table.
His face was bright red behind his shaggy beard.>

"Just a seasonal variance, huh," he said, his anger pent up behind his
teeth. "Two months ago LetterinG MaN was number one. We couldn't put 'em
out fast enough to suit them fanboys. We got G-Whiz Toys knockin' on our
door askin' if we would let 'em make the action figures. Movie deals--
#$%@*& Speelboig no less. Since _you_ fired our main man, we got zip.
Movies cut out; the toys falled through; and now the fanboys ain't buyin'
no more."

<The man leans forward and points his short cigar across the table.>

"AND IT'S ALL _YOUR_ FAULT!" the head of Mi-T Big Comix yelled.

<Bert Niceguy starts at this vehement attack.>

"Please, Mr. DeFact...," he stammered before his boss cut him off.

<DeFacto settles back in his leather chair.>

"Now lissen up, Harras, and you lissen up good," the old enemy of the LNH resumed, "youse got one more chance to make this woik. If issue seven
don't sell, you're outta here and we get us a new man."

<Bert Niceguy/Bob Harras walks away from the conference table.>

"Ya better make this good," Defacto called to his departing chief editor.

"Oh, I'll make it good," Harras thought to himself, and a wicked smile
crept across his face.

---

<Cheesecake-Eater Lad removes a large, wigglying object from the
refridgeratore in his room at the Legion of the Net.Heroes' Headquarters. Parking Karma Kid enters, walking listlessly. Both look a depressed.>

"Hi, Cheesy," PK Kid said as he entered his friend's quarters. "What's
that."

"Oh, just a little snack," Cheesecake-Eater Lad said with a little guilt in
his voice.

<Parking Karma Kid swings his legs over a chair to sit on it backwards. Cheesecake-Eater Lad cuts a thin slice of the cheesecake, giving the
remainder a look of longing.>

"I thought you were on a diet," Parking Karma Kid quizzed. "Trying to slim down and all that. What happened."

Cheesecake-Eater Lad sighed. "aLLiterative Lass is seeing Occultism Kid
now, so I don't see the point anymore."

<Parking Karma Kid's mouth turns into a wry smile.>

"Typical," PK Kid said with an ironic laugh.

<Cheesecake-Eater Lad looks at his friend with a puzzled expression.>

"How's that?" he asked.

<Parking Karma Kid turns his hand over as he explains to begins his explanation.>

"Let's face it," he began, "this wouldn't happen if people could still
remember who created us -- or, better yet, if they were still writing us!"

"It wouldn't?" C-E Lad interposed.

"Gosh no! Take this Hamster Dude who _stole_ Bandwagon Chick away from me. What do you suppose he is? A NWC? Not him. Public Domain? Not a chance. Could he be, I don't know, maybe a _WC_? Right on the money!

<Parking Karma Kid leans closer to Cheesecake-Eater Lad.>

"Now," PK Kid said, "I'll give you three guesses as to what Occultism Kid
is, and the first two don't count."

Cheesecake-Eater Lad gasped, "A Writer Character."

"Bingo!" Parking Karma Kid said triumphantly. "I tell you: 'public
domain', is just another way of saying 'potential doormat'!"

*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************

<The large, steel door opens to flood Harrass/Niceguy in yellow light.>

"Oh truly powerfull one, the time is right for the next grand step,"
Bert/Bob said to the mysterious entity behind door number one.

<The dark silhouette booms in reply.>

"Yes, we have come to the ultimate test of your abilities, Niceguy," the
dark form said, ominously. "Do not fail me."

<The black arm emerges from the doorway, a large, red pen in its hand. The
arm hits Harrass/Niceguy on the skull with pen.>

"I confer upon you the rule of the Mi-T Big Corporation," the dark form intoned. "All will be done as you will; none will oppose you. Go and do
my bidding."

<Bert Niceguy sways as little stars dance around his head.>

"Yes, Massster," drooled Harrass.

---

<More ads!>

*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************

<New Look Lass stands over a sink, combing her hair. The sink is littered
with lots of small articles for hair styling and personal grooming. In the background, the form of someone taking a shower can be seen through the
opaque shower door.>

"I sure wish we could have made it to the party," New Look Lass lamented.
"It would have been fun to see what everyone was wearing."

"I thought it was cancelled," aLLiterative Lass said from the shower.

<The shower stops. New Look Lass rests her chin on her brush.>

"I'm not sure," New Look Lass said in reply. "I haven't heard of anyone actually attending the party, but I haven't heard it was all called off, either. It's kinda like the whole thing just dropped off the face of the
net."

"That's strange," aLLiterative Lass commented.

<aLLiterative Lass steps out of the shower, covered with little water
droplets. She dries the portions of her body necessary to keep the
approval of the Comics Code Authority.>

"aLLiterative Lass!" New Look Lass yelled, suddenly.

---

<aLLiterative Lass approaches her friend, the towel wrapped around her.
She is dry now.>

"What's the matter, New Look Lass," aLLiterative Lass asked in a concerned tone.

New Look Lass looked rather scared. "I just realized; you haven't been
using any aLLiteration!"

"Egads, you're right!" aLLiterative Lass responded. "And my letters are
all capitalized correctly, too!"

<aLLiterative Lass and New Look Lass exchange troubled looks.>

"What can this mean?" they said, paneltaneously.

[It means that we've gotten tired of having you talk funny, that's all.
The fanboys don't like it. Just forget about it--Bert.]

<aLLiterative Lass begins to knit her brow.>

"You know, that's always been my trademark," aLLiterative Lass challenged.

[Look, little miss sweetcakes, remember what happened to Mr. LM? Think the same can't happen to you? Think we don't have anybody to replace _you_,
hint, hint--Bert.]

<aLLiterative Lass looks at New Look Lass; New Look Lass displays a shocked look.>

"Me?!" New Look Lass cried in amazed terror.

[That's right, so don't get any ideas, pretty miss ninja. You're here to bolster the fanboy's juvenile fantasies, and don't you forget it--Bert.]

*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************

<Cheesecake-Eater Lad walks down the halls of the Legion's Headquarters
later.>

"Maybe PK is right," C-E Lad thought. "Maybe I should just give up and
accept it as part of the way things work."

<Ultimate Ninja appears from around the corner, disrupting Cheesecake-Eater Lad's thoughts.>

"There you are, Cheesecake, I've been looking for you," UN said to his
protege. "I was worried after you missed training this morning."

C-E Lad was taken aback at his leader's words. "Worried," he said, increduously.

"Yes, since you were gone so long on that island*, I felt you might have
found some unpleasant changes when you returned. I hope you are adjusting alright."

[*This happened in the truly classic Jungle Cheesecake storyline--Bert.]

<Ultimate Ninja puts his arm around Cheesecake-Eater Lad's shoulder. Cheesecake-Eater Lad is astounded and appears a little frightened.>

"I know being a hero is a difficult business, but it's worth it in the long run," Ultimate Ninja philosophized. "Now, tell me, what's on your mind,
son?"

<Cheesecake-Eater Lad starts violently at this remark and starts to
disengage himself.>

"Ah, nothing, nothing at all," Cheesecake-Eater Lad replied as he gently released himself from the Ninja's show of affection.

"Well, if you ever need someone to talk to," Ultimate Ninja finished, "you
know 'the door is always open'."

<Ultimate Ninja walks off, leaving a flabbergasted Cheesecake-Eater Lad in
his wake.>

"Now that was strange," C-E Lad thought as the embodiment of all things
ninja walked away, whistling a little tune.

---

<Because _No onE_ requested it, we bring you--

THE RETURN OF CUT-OUT MAN

That's right, true believers, next fall there will be a _NEW_ crimefighter
on the block! Not since Powdered Toast Man has there been such a bastion
of all things comic. And soon, through the miracle of WEASEL broadcasting,
you will be able to watch the antics of this incredible hero among heroes
in the peace and quiet of your own home! Straight from the pages of
LetterinG MaN starring aLLiterative Lass, this mainspring of muscle will provide _you_, the helpless viewer, with hours of mindless entertainment!

Watch For It!>

*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************

<Bert Niceguy strides down the hall of Mi-T Big's Net.ropolis skyscraper,
an evil smile on his face and a cloud of power around him. The many
employees of the large corperation scatter and cower as passes by.>

"That's right," he thought to himself, "you are nothing compared with me.
I own you all." At this thought he broke into menaical laughter, "Mwahahahahaha."

<Niceguy throws the door to DeFacto's office open with a slam and strides
in. DeFacto pushes the secretary off his lap and shoos her toward the
door.>

"Ah, Harrass," DeFacto said guiltily. "What are you doing here?!"

"First of all," Harras began snidely, "I am _not_ Harrass anymore. Since we formed this corporation, I have been known as Bert Niceguy. Everyone on
the net hates Harrass, and, gosh darn it, people like _me_."

<DeFacto looks at his second-in-command. Niceguy swells like a peacock.>

"Hmm," DeFacto thought, "something's strange. He looks -- different."

Niceguy continued. "Secondly, I am here to take over _your_ position."

<DeFacto shot out his chair, his face a bright shade of red.>

"_WHAT_!" DeFacto yelled.

"No need to shout," Bert said smoothly. "Yes, I am the new chairman of
Mi-T Big Corporation, my dear, grossly unkempt friend. As of the beginning
of this page, what was once yours is now mine. Tut, tut, tut."

<DeFacto begins to frantically type on the keyboard of his computer, his
eyes widening with each new entry he retrieves.>

"Check all you want," Mr. Niceguy tauted, "it will only confirm my
statement. You are all washed up. A has been. You had your day on top,
but now it's someone else's turn. Namely, mine."

<DeFacto stops his search and sticks his cigar between his teeth. His face
is hard and determined as he glares at his one-time underling.>

"I don't believe it," DeFacto said in defiance of the evidence he just
sorted through. "It ain't possible."

"Oh, I'm afraid it is, poor thing," Bert said with a wicked smile.

"How," DeFacto made it sound like a dare.

"I made a little bargain with the forces of A.R.M. In return for certain considerations, which I naturally accomplished, I was rewarded with the
rule of Mi-T Big Corporation."

---

<DeFacto looks shocked at the depths to which his colleague admits to
sinking in the quest for power.>

"Yowzers!" DeFacto cried at this revelation.

"You needn't feel so surprised," Bert sneered; "you're not so much better
than I. And it's not too late; you could join too. Think of it. Total control of the comic.verse everywhere. Unlimited crossovers. No two books together without the story being finished in another title. Guest spots
for hot characters in every title every month. Merchandising. We'll be
rich. We'll be famous. Everyone will love us and we will rule the
market!"

<DeFacto backs away.>

"You're bonkers," DeFacto said, candidly.

"Bonkers am I," Niceguy said in a strange tone.

<Bert Niceguy swings his arm and a large, black cloud whips out, grabbing
ahold of DeFacto.>

"I knew you would be to short sighted to see the vision." Niceguy's voice calmed slightly. "No matter. You're not needed anyway. Good-bye."

<The black hand tosses DeFacto through a window.>

--CRASH--

"Aieeeeee," DeFacto cried as he fell.

<Bert Niceguy sits in the high-backed leather chair with his hands behind
his head and his feet on the desk in front.>

"That's more like it," he said.

*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************

<New Look Lass and aLLiterative Lass are walking down a hall of the
Legion's Net.ropolis Headquarters.>

"There's no way I would ever take your job, LLL," New Look Lass said,
candidly; "you're the first friend I ever had."

"Thanks New Look," aLLiterative Lass replied, "I wasn't concerned about
that. No, I was thinking about ..."

<aLLiterative Lass collides into Cheesecake-Eater Lad as he rounds a
corner.>

--Bonk--

"Ooops," C-E Lad said.

<aLLiterative Lass, realizing who it is, looks suprised. Cheesecake-Eater
Lad, realizing who he has just trampled, turns his head to gaze at the
floor. His face turns a bright red.>

"Umm, ah, umm," Cheesecake-Eater Lad stammered.

"Cheesecake-Eater Lad!" aLLiterative Lass cried.

"hi, sorry to ..."

<aLLiterative Lass jumps up catches the plump net.hero in a warm embrace. Cheesecake-Eater Lad looks puzzled.>

"It's so _good_ to see you!" aLLiterative Lass said with unfeigned joy.

<At the bottom of the page there is a strip of white. In this strip is written: What will future have in store for our net.heroes? You'll find
out in two weeks if you read our next exciting issue!>

<At the very bottom, in minute detail, is written: Copyright 1993 by
Charles F. FitzGerald. With help from Martin Phipps. All necessary rights reserved.>

---
aLLiterative Lass -- Living for Language!

Appearing monthly in Mi-T Big Comix!

==========

Next Week: Something something LNH!!

==========

Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer

--000000000000d37520065930145d
Content-Type: text/html; charset="UTF-8"
Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

<div dir=3D"ltr">And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie arc= hive once again. Here's where you can find this and more=
LetterinG MaN Action!: <a href=3D"https://archives.eyrie.org/rac= c/lnh/Series/LetterinG.MaN/">https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/Let= terinG.MaN/</a> And it's LetterinG MaN #7 by Charles FitzGer= ald! Is being a WC the secret to getting the ladies?! What wi=
ll the Comic Code think of aLLiterative Lass taking all these showers?!!= And is it finally time for the return of -- CUT-OUT MAN?!!!!!<br= > Find out in... =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 _ =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0| =
| =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0Classic =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0| | =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0=3D =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0| |=
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0____ =C2=A0 =C2=A0____ =C2=A0 =C2=A0_ =C2=A0 =C2=A0___=
_ =C2=A0 =C2=A0___ =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0| |__=
=C2=A0 | [] | =C2=A0| [] | =C2=A0| | =C2=A0| [] | =C2=A0| _ \ =C2=A0 <b= r>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0|____| =C2=A0 \__] =C2=A0=
=C2=A0\__ | =C2=A0|_| =C2=A0 \__/ =C2=A0 |_|\_\ =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0|| =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2= =A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 |_| =C2= =A0OF NET.HEROES =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 ADVENTURES #426 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0Letter= inG MaN #7 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D ********* ************************= ********************************** =C2=A0 See * Mi-T =C2=A0* ***********= ******* =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0!* =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0!* =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0!***************** =C2=A0 Note * Big =C2=A0 * ********************=
* =C2=A0!**** =C2=A0!***** =C2=A0!** !****************** =C2=A0Below * C= omix * *************** =C2=A0 !** =C2=A0!**** =C2=A0 =C2=A0!*** =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 !*** =C2=A0 !*************** * =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 * ******* =C2=A0=
=C2=A0 =C2=A0!** !*** =C2=A0!**** =C2=A0!***** =C2=A0!* =C2=A0!*** !** =C2= =A0 !** =C2=A0!******* * =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 * ******* =C2=A0!****** !*=
** =C2=A0!**** =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0!* =C2=A0!** =C2=A0!* =C2=A0 !* =C2=A0 = =C2=A0!* !********** * =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 * =C2=A0 !**** =C2=A0 =C2=A0= !************************************** =C2=A0! =C2=A0! =C2=A0!** =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0! * =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 * =C2=A0 !**** =C2=A0!****** =C2=
=A0 !*** =C2=A0 !** =C2=A0 =C2=A0 !** =C2=A0 !** =C2=A0!**** =C2=A0!* =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0!* !****** ********* =C2=A0 !**** =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0!** =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0!* =C2=A0 =C2=A0!* =C2=A0!** =C2=A0!* =C2=A0 =C2=A0!* =C2=A0!****=
=C2=A0!** =C2=A0 !* =C2=A0!** =C2=A0! *L May93* =C2=A0 !************* = =C2=A0! =C2=A0 =C2=A0! =C2=A0!* =C2=A0!** =C2=A0!* =C2=A0! =C2=A0! =C2=A0!*= ************* =C2=A0!*** ! * No. 7 * =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0!********** =C2= =A0!* =C2=A0!* =C2=A0!* =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 !* =C2=A0!* =C2=A0 =C2=A0!****= *********** =C2=A0 =C2=A0 !* * =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 * **************** = =C2=A0!***** =C2=A0!* =C2=A0!** =C2=A0!* =C2=A0!** =C2=A0!*****************= ****** *****************************************************************= ************* =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 starring =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 LL =C2=A0LL =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0LL =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 LL =C2=A0LL =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0LL =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 a LLL LLL iterative LLL ass <b= r><A little square below the left hand corner insignia thing has written= in it, "Now appearing TWICE a month!"> <The cove=
r has a picture of Cheesecake-Eater Lad sitting in the midst of a flower=
patch, pulling the petals off a flower and saying "She loves me; s=
he loves me not. She loves me ...." =C2=A0There is one petal left on t= he flower.> <Note: =C2=A0In this corner, "The Great Pu= blic Domain Caper Crossover!" is written.> *************= ******************LetterinG MaN*********************************** &= lt;At the top of the page is written in a digital style "5:30 AM"= .=C2=A0 In a brown box to the right of the page is written the following= : Bert Niceguy: Plotter/Editor Wilt Poortastio: Special Guest Pencill= er!! Ihave Blackface: Inks Roy G. Biv: Colors Martin Phipps and Ch= arles F. FitzGerald: Scripters.> <The panel shows a shot of a = long boardroom with a bunch of non-descript suited men sitting around a = massive table.=C2=A0 At the far end, a short, pudgy man stands pounding = his cybernetic arm on the table.> "I can't believe you a= llowed this to happen!" the chairman screamed at his fellow board m= embers. =C2=A0"What do I pay you boneheads for!!" ********= ***********************LetterinG MaN*********************************** = <A tall, thin man in a gray double-breasted suit on the far end of t= he table stands in response.> "Please, sir, control yours= elf," Bert Niceguy said with the calm self- possession of one of yo=
ur more scaly reptiles. =C2=A0"This fluctuation is merely a seasona=
l variance.=C2=A0 There is _really_ nothing to be afraid of." &= lt;The man at the other end glared at his subordinate across the long table= . His face was bright red behind his shaggy beard.> "Just=
a seasonal variance, huh," he said, his anger pent up behind his t= eeth. =C2=A0"Two months ago LetterinG MaN was number one.=C2=A0 We cou= ldn't put 'em out fast enough to suit them fanboys.=C2=A0 We got=
G-Whiz Toys knockin' on our door askin' if we would let 'em=
make the action figures.=C2=A0 Movie deals-- #$%@*& Speelboig no le= ss.=C2=A0 Since _you_ fired our main man, we got zip. Movies cut out; th=
e toys falled through; and now the fanboys ain't buyin' no more.= " <The man leans forward and points his short cigar across t=
he table.> "AND IT'S ALL _YOUR_ FAULT!" the head of=
Mi-T Big Comix yelled. <Bert Niceguy starts at this vehement att= ack.> "Please, Mr. DeFact...," he stammered before his = boss cut him off. <DeFacto settles back in his leather chair.>= "Now lissen up, Harras, and you lissen up good," the old = enemy of the LNH resumed, "youse got one more chance to make this w= oik.=C2=A0 If issue seven don't sell, you're outta here and we g=
et us a new man." <Bert Niceguy/Bob Harras walks away from t=
he conference table.> "Ya better make this good," Defac=
to called to his departing chief editor. "Oh, I'll make it = good," Harras thought to himself, and a wicked smile crept across h=
is face. --- <Cheesecake-Eater Lad removes a large, wiggly= ing object from the refridgeratore in his room at the Legion of the Net.= Heroes' Headquarters. Parking Karma Kid enters, walking listlessly.= =C2=A0 Both look a depressed.> "Hi, Cheesy," PK Kid sai=
d as he entered his friend's quarters. =C2=A0"What's that.&= quot; "Oh, just a little snack," Cheesecake-Eater Lad said=
with a little guilt in his voice. <Parking Karma Kid swings h=
is legs over a chair to sit on it backwards. Cheesecake-Eater Lad cuts a=
thin slice of the cheesecake, giving the remainder a look of longing.&g= t; "I thought you were on a diet," Parking Karma Kid quizz= ed. =C2=A0"Trying to slim down and all that.=C2=A0 What happened.&q= uot; Cheesecake-Eater Lad sighed. =C2=A0"aLLiterative Lass is s= eeing Occultism Kid now, so I don't see the point anymore." = =C2=A0 <Parking Karma Kid's mouth turns into a wry smile.><br= > "Typical," PK Kid said with an ironic laugh. =C2=A0 &= lt;Cheesecake-Eater Lad looks at his friend with a puzzled expression.><= br> "How's that?" he asked. <Parking Karma Kid t= urns his hand over as he explains to begins his explanation.> = "Let's face it," he began, "this wouldn't happen if = people could still remember who created us -- or, better yet, if they we=
re still writing us!" "It wouldn't?" C-E Lad inte= rposed. "Gosh no!=C2=A0 Take this Hamster Dude who _stole_ Band= wagon Chick away from me. What do you suppose he is?=C2=A0 A NWC?=C2=A0 = Not him.=C2=A0 Public Domain?=C2=A0 Not a chance. Could he be, I don&#39=
;t know, maybe a _WC_?=C2=A0 Right on the money! <Parking Karma K=
id leans closer to Cheesecake-Eater Lad.> "Now," PK Kid=
said, "I'll give you three guesses as to what Occultism Kid is=
, and the first two don't count." =C2=A0 Cheesecake-Eater La=
d gasped, "A Writer Character." "Bingo!" Parking=
Karma Kid said triumphantly. =C2=A0"I tell you: 'public domain= ', is just another way of saying 'potential doormat'!" = *******************************LetterinG MaN***************************= ******** <The large, steel door opens to flood Harrass/Niceguy in=
yellow light.> "Oh truly powerfull one, the time is right f=
or the next grand step," Bert/Bob said to the mysterious entity beh= ind door number one. <The dark silhouette booms in reply.> = "Yes, we have come to the ultimate test of your abilities, Niceguy= ," the dark form said, ominously. =C2=A0"Do not fail me."= <The black arm emerges from the doorway, a large, red pen in its=
hand.=C2=A0 The arm hits Harrass/Niceguy on the skull with pen.> = "I confer upon you the rule of the Mi-T Big Corporation," the=
dark form intoned. =C2=A0"All will be done as you will; none will = oppose you.=C2=A0 Go and do my bidding." <Bert Niceguy sw= ays as little stars dance around his head.> "Yes, Massster,&= quot; drooled Harrass. --- <More ads!> *********= **********************LetterinG MaN*********************************** <= br><New Look Lass stands over a sink, combing her hair.=C2=A0 The sink i=
s littered with lots of small articles for hair styling and personal gro= oming.=C2=A0 In the background, the form of someone taking a shower can =
be seen through the opaque shower door.> "I sure wish we = could have made it to the party," New Look Lass lamented. "It = would have been fun to see what everyone was wearing." "I = thought it was cancelled," aLLiterative Lass said from the shower. = <The shower stops.=C2=A0 New Look Lass rests her chin on her brush.&= gt; "I'm not sure," New Look Lass said in reply. =C2= =A0"I haven't heard of anyone actually attending the party, but=
I haven't heard it was all called off, either.=C2=A0 It's kinda=
like the whole thing just dropped off the face of the net." <br= >"That's strange," aLLiterative Lass commented. <aL= Literative Lass steps out of the shower, covered with little water dropl= ets.=C2=A0 She dries the portions of her body necessary to keep the appr= oval of the Comics Code Authority.> "aLLiterative Lass!&quot=
; New Look Lass yelled, suddenly. --- <aLLiterative Lass a= pproaches her friend, the towel wrapped around her. She is dry now.><= br> "What's the matter, New Look Lass," aLLiterative Lass = asked in a concerned tone. New Look Lass looked rather scared. = =C2=A0"I just realized; you haven't been using any aLLiteration= !" "Egads, you're right!" aLLiterative Lass respo= nded. =C2=A0"And my letters are all capitalized correctly, too!&quo= t; <aLLiterative Lass and New Look Lass exchange troubled looks.&= gt; "What can this mean?" they said, paneltaneously. <b= r>[It means that we've gotten tired of having you talk funny, that'=
s all. The fanboys don't like it.=C2=A0 Just forget about it--Bert.]= <aLLiterative Lass begins to knit her brow.> "You=
know, that's always been my trademark," aLLiterative Lass challen= ged. [Look, little miss sweetcakes, remember what happened to Mr. LM= ?=C2=A0 Think the same can't happen to you?=C2=A0 Think we don't=
have anybody to replace _you_, hint, hint--Bert.] <aLLiterati=
ve Lass looks at New Look Lass; New Look Lass displays a shocked look.&g= t; "Me?!" New Look Lass cried in amazed terror. [Th= at's right, so don't get any ideas, pretty miss ninja.=C2=A0 You&#3= 9;re here to bolster the fanboy's juvenile fantasies, and don't = you forget it--Bert.] *******************************LetterinG MaN**= ********************************* <Cheesecake-Eater Lad walks dow=
n the halls of the Legion's Headquarters later.> "May=
be PK is right," C-E Lad thought. =C2=A0"Maybe I should just give=
up and accept it as part of the way things work." <Ultim= ate Ninja appears from around the corner, disrupting Cheesecake-Eater La= d's thoughts.> "There you are, Cheesecake, I've been=
looking for you," UN said to his protege. =C2=A0"I was worrie=
d after you missed training this morning." C-E Lad was taken ab= ack at his leader's words. =C2=A0"Worried," he said, incre= duously. "Yes, since you were gone so long on that island*, I f= elt you might have found some unpleasant changes when you returned.=C2=
=A0 I hope you are adjusting alright." [*This happened in t=
he truly classic Jungle Cheesecake storyline--Bert.] <Ultimate Ni= nja puts his arm around Cheesecake-Eater Lad's shoulder. Cheesecake-= Eater Lad is astounded and appears a little frightened.> "I = know being a hero is a difficult business, but it's worth it in the lon= g run," Ultimate Ninja philosophized. =C2=A0"Now, tell me, wha= t's on your mind, son?" <Cheesecake-Eater Lad starts = violently at this remark and starts to disengage himself.> &qu= ot;Ah, nothing, nothing at all," Cheesecake-Eater Lad replied as he ge= ntly released himself from the Ninja's show of affection. &qu= ot;Well, if you ever need someone to talk to," Ultimate Ninja finished=
, "you know 'the door is always open'." <Ult= imate Ninja walks off, leaving a flabbergasted Cheesecake-Eater Lad in h=
is wake.> "Now that was strange," C-E Lad thought as th=
e embodiment of all things ninja walked away, whistling a little tune.<b= r> --- <Because _No onE_ requested it, we bring you-- = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 THE RETURN OF CUT-O=
UT MAN That's right, true believers, next fall there will be a _= NEW_ crimefighter on the block!=C2=A0 Not since Powdered Toast Man has t= here been such a bastion of all things comic.=C2=A0 And soon, through th=
e miracle of WEASEL broadcasting, you will be able to watch the antics o=
f this incredible hero among heroes in the peace and quiet of your own h= ome!=C2=A0 Straight from the pages of LetterinG MaN starring aLLiterativ=
e Lass, this mainspring of muscle will provide _you_, the helpless viewe=
r, with hours of mindless entertainment! =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0=
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 Watch For It!> *********************= **********LetterinG MaN*********************************** <Bert = Niceguy strides down the hall of Mi-T Big's Net.ropolis skyscraper, =
an evil smile on his face and a cloud of power around him.=C2=A0 The many<b= r>employees of the large corperation scatter and cower as passes by.><br= > "That's right," he thought to himself, "you are not= hing compared with me. I own you all." =C2=A0At this thought he bro=
ke into menaical laughter, "Mwahahahahaha." <Niceguy=
throws the door to DeFacto's office open with a slam and strides in= .=C2=A0 DeFacto pushes the secretary off his lap and shoos her toward the<b= r>door.> "Ah, Harrass," DeFacto said guiltily. =C2=A0&q= uot;What are you doing here?!" "First of all," Harras=
began snidely, "I am _not_ Harrass anymore.=C2=A0 Since we formed = this corporation, I have been known as Bert Niceguy.=C2=A0 Everyone on t=
he net hates Harrass, and, gosh darn it, people like _me_." &lt= ;DeFacto looks at his second-in-command.=C2=A0 Niceguy swells like a peacoc= k.> "Hmm," DeFacto thought, "something's stran= ge.=C2=A0 He looks -- different." Niceguy continued. =C2=A0&qu= ot;Secondly, I am here to take over _your_ position." <DeFac=
to shot out his chair, his face a bright shade of red.> "_WH= AT_!" DeFacto yelled. "No need to shout," Bert said s= moothly. =C2=A0"Yes, I am the new chairman of Mi-T Big Corporation,=
my dear, grossly unkempt friend.=C2=A0 As of the beginning of this page=
, what was once yours is now mine.=C2=A0 Tut, tut, tut." <De= Facto begins to frantically type on the keyboard of his computer, his ey=
es widening with each new entry he retrieves.> "Check all yo=
u want," Mr. Niceguy tauted, "it will only confirm my statemen= t.=C2=A0 You are all washed up.=C2=A0 A has been.=C2=A0 You had your day on=
top, but now it's someone else's turn.=C2=A0 Namely, mine.&quot= ; <DeFacto stops his search and sticks his cigar between his teet= h.=C2=A0 His face is hard and determined as he glares at his one-time un= derling.> "I don't believe it," DeFacto said in def= iance of the evidence he just sorted through. =C2=A0"It ain't p= ossible." "Oh, I'm afraid it is, poor thing," Ber=
t said with a wicked smile. "How," DeFacto made it sound l= ike a dare. "I made a little bargain with the forces of A.R.M.= =C2=A0 In return for certain considerations, which I naturally accomplis= hed, I was rewarded with the rule of Mi-T Big Corporation." = --- <DeFacto looks shocked at the depths to which his colleague a= dmits to sinking in the quest for power.> "Yowzers!"=
DeFacto cried at this revelation. "You needn't feel so sur= prised," Bert sneered; "you're not so much better than I.= =C2=A0 And it's not too late; you could join too.=C2=A0 Think of it.=C2= =A0 Total control of the comic.verse everywhere.=C2=A0 Unlimited crossov= ers.=C2=A0 No two books together without the story being finished in ano= ther title.=C2=A0 Guest spots for hot characters in every title every mo= nth.=C2=A0 Merchandising.=C2=A0 We'll be rich.=C2=A0 We'll be fa= mous.=C2=A0 Everyone will love us and we will rule the market!" <br= > <DeFacto backs away.> "You're bonkers," DeF= acto said, candidly. "Bonkers am I," Niceguy said in a str= ange tone. <Bert Niceguy swings his arm and a large, black cloud = whips out, grabbing ahold of DeFacto.> "I knew you would =
be to short sighted to see the vision." =C2=A0Niceguy's voice c= almed slightly. =C2=A0"No matter.=C2=A0 You're not needed anyway.= =C2=A0 Good-bye." <The black hand tosses DeFacto through a w= indow.> --CRASH-- "Aieeeeee," DeFacto cried as h=
e fell. <Bert Niceguy sits in the high-backed leather chair with = his hands behind his head and his feet on the desk in front.> = "That's more like it," he said. **********************= *********LetterinG MaN*********************************** <New Lo=
ok Lass and aLLiterative Lass are walking down a hall of the Legion'=
s Net.ropolis Headquarters.> "There's no way I would eve=
r take your job, LLL," New Look Lass said, candidly; "you'=
re the first friend I ever had." "Thanks New Look," a= LLiterative Lass replied, "I wasn't concerned about that.=C2=A0=
No, I was thinking about ..." <aLLiterative Lass collides i= nto Cheesecake-Eater Lad as he rounds a corner.> --Bonk-- = "Ooops," C-E Lad said. <aLLiterative Lass, realizin=
g who it is, looks suprised.=C2=A0 Cheesecake-Eater Lad, realizing who h=
e has just trampled, turns his head to gaze at the floor.=C2=A0 His face=
turns a bright red.> "Umm, ah, umm," Cheesecake-Eater = Lad stammered. "Cheesecake-Eater Lad!" aLLiterative Lass c= ried. "hi, sorry to ..." <aLLiterative Lass jump=
s up catches the plump net.hero in a warm embrace. Cheesecake-Eater Lad = looks puzzled.> "It's so _good_ to see you!" aLLite= rative Lass said with unfeigned joy. <At the bottom of the page t= here is a strip of white.=C2=A0 In this strip is written: =C2=A0What wil=
l future have in store for our net.heroes?=C2=A0 You'll find out in = two weeks if you read our next exciting issue!> <At the very b= ottom, in minute detail, is written: =C2=A0Copyright 1993 by Charles F. = FitzGerald.=C2=A0 With help from Martin Phipps.=C2=A0 All necessary rights<= br>reserved.> --- aLLiterative Lass -- Living for Language!<br= > Appearing monthly in Mi-T Big Comix! =3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D Next Week: =C2=A0Something something LNH!! <br= >=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D Arthur "Same Classic Channel.= =C2=A0 But Same Time?=C2=A0 Probably not." Spitzer </d=

--000000000000d37520065930145d--
--- Synchronet 3.22a-Linux NewsLink 1.2

Who's Online
Recent Visitors
- Sauron
  Mon Aug 17 05:50:20 2026
  from Purgatory via Telnet
- Sauron
  Sun Aug 16 22:51:04 2026
  from Purgatory via Telnet
- Rixter
  Sun Aug 16 22:39:57 2026
  from Madison, Nc via Telnet
- Rixter
  Sun Aug 16 10:20:30 2026
  from Madison, Nc via Telnet

System Info

Sysop:	Amessyroom
Location:	Fayetteville, NC
Users:	74
Nodes:	6 (0 / 6)
Uptime:	52:25:50
Calls:	1,101
Calls today:	1
Files:	1,339
Messages:	276,091

LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #426: LetterinG MaN #7

Who's Online

Recent Visitors

System Info