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STARRING <HALLS JORDAN!> AND <CLICHE DUDE!>
IN
#15: "Sorry, I'm Not Into Cliches"
by Drew Nilium

====

Halls Jordan was the kind of net.hero who usually fought either from a distance, using the nigh-magical powers of his Ring Around the Collar to
shoot beams and create shields of eucalyptus-green energy, or hand-to-
hand, blunt and direct and up in the other guy's face.

He was *not* used to using the power of his Ring to power a giant robot, straining from the G-forces as the humanoid machine just barely dodged
the tip of an enormous laser sword!

The giant robot who had swung the sword was lithe and elegant, like some
kind of scaled-up fencer in French military colors with an enormous
metal flower on its chest - matching the one Halls's robot bore. The
robot itself wasn't as worrisome as its pilot - an anxiety-ridden
failgirl ace named Miranda Saturn who had some kind of mystic or psychic
power that made her *frustratingly* hard to hit!

But Miranda's followthru had given Halls an opening, and he had to take
it! He rocket-boosted in her direction and swung his emerald sword
unmissably wide - but for just a moment, everything was flower petals
and the giggling of mysterious children, and he missed anyway!

"I'm sorry, Mister Jordan!" Miranda's apology echoed thru his cockpit.
"But I won't be able to face Cassie *or* my mom until I've won the Solar
System Swordplay Series!"

Halls swore (but his radio wasn't broadcasting because he didn't want to
be rude). Neither she nor anyone else involved in the tournament knew
that the mysterious figure who had organized the tournament was the
villainous Master Cliche - the evil twin of Halls's partner, Cliche
Dude! He'd trapped the two of them in a Matroyshka doll of anime
cliches, forcing them to follow the steps of stories that had come
before, wrapping the threads of narrative around their throats in order
to strangle the life out of them!

And in the narrative wrapped around Halls now, the duelist in green
faced inevitable humiliation!

----

But down on the planet below, Cliche Dude had just broken thru the doors
of a board meeting and pointed dramatically at the woman sitting at its
head - Miranda's fiancee, Cassandra Huygens!

"What is the meaning of this!?" she shouted! "You're out of order, Mr.
Dude!"

"No, *you're* out of order! This whole *corporation* is out of order!"
He pulled a chrysanthemum out of the breast pocket of his fancy three-
piece suit and threw it in towards Cassandra, embedding it in the table
before her!

She snorted in derision! "Flowers will get you nowh--" Then she noticed
the message trailing from the flower's stem! Her face went pale, and she
stood up! "Out, out, everybody *out*!"

The other board members left, muttering "Most irregular!" and "More like
the *bitch* from Mercury, am I right?"

When they were gone, Cassandra's icy demeanor collapsed, and she began
sobbing into her hands. "Oh, what terrible things I've done to my dear Miranda... but I had to! Master Cliche threatened to expose her mother's secret, and I had to let him cast the cliche upon me - to act as if I
didn't love her for her own good!"

"It isn't true!" Cliche Dude took her hands. "That cliche is long dead!
It faded away after the 90s, and Steven Universe dug it up just to drive
a stake thru its heart!"

Cassandra shook her head. "I'm afraid it *is* true - he found a single
series from the 2020s that used it, born out of a corporate mandate to
play down the gay!"

And with his Cliche-Vision, Cliche Dude could see that it was true, and
he, too, wept! But his resolve was firm! "Then there is only one
choice."

He turned his head so that the lights of the room reflected off his big
round glasses, hiding his gaze behind an opaque glare! The reflected
light shone over Cassandra, revealing a shadow swirling around her! The
shadow turned humanoid and leapt into Cliche Dude's body!

She gasped! "It-- it's gone! I'm free!"

Cliche Dude's eyes were still hidden by the glare, and his voice was
flat. "Then tell her the truth, as quickly as you can."

"Yes, of course!"

----

In orbit, Halls was being driven back, the strikes narrowing in on him!
And not only was Miranda about to beat him, she'd started traumadumping
over the radio! "--and I think-- sorry-- I think I must be just kind of inherently terrible-- sorry-- but maybe if I win this tournament I'll
have value-- sorry--"

"Aw, jeez, this is uncomfortable," he muttered, but then another voice
broke into the transmission.

"Miranda! Miranda, can you hear me?"

"Cassie!?" Miranda's laser sword jerked back in shock, and Halls pressed
his advantage! She barely managed to parry his swipe! Halls heard the
voices of the mysterious children, but instead of giggling, they were
murmuring in surprise! "Uh, th, thank you for talking to me, you don't
have to--"

"Miranda, *listen* to me!" Cassandra's voice was sharp for a moment...
before welling with grief and love! "I was being an *idiot*! Instead of
running off and *pretending* I didn't love you, I should have actually
sat you down for a long talk about how your mom's an asshole!"

"M-my mom-- pretending--?!?" Miranda's sword wobbled, she was barely
managing to hold it up! The mysterious children were going 'ooooooh'
like fifth-graders seeing people kiss! "I'm, I'm *so* confused!"

"That's because I've been *lying* to you and *manipulating* you, and..." Cassandra took a deep breath. "And I'm *so* sorry, I love you and you
didn't deserve that!"

"Uweh!?!?!" Miranda's face turned bright red, steam poured out of her
ears, and she put up absolutely no resistance when Halls's sword shot
out and clipped the giant metal chrysanthemum neatly off her robot's
chest. "...ah, Cassie... I think I lost..."

"That's *fine*, that's perfectly fine. Come down here and let's just...
talk. That's all I want, right now."

"okie dokie... god job, Mr. Jordan..."

"Yeah, thanks, kid, you too." Halls flopped back in his chair and sighed
in relief.

----

Fifteen minutes later, he was in the robot hangar getting cleaned up
when Cliche Dude came up to him, his glasses still opaque. "Halls, I...
I have something to tell you. The truth is... I don't love you, I never
have! It was all a lie, don't you see? I just told you that to benefit
from your power! You mean nothing to me! Now go! Go on, get outta here,
ya dumb mutt!"

Halls sighed. "Okay, so, firstly, you're obviously being affected by the
cliche you took off that girl."

"Uh." Cliche Dude paused, cocking his head. "I, uh. I might not be?"

"Secondly, that doesn't make any sense. We were already working together
as a team way before you confessed to me."

"Well, uh." He rubbed the back of his head. "Not, uh, *that* much sense,
I guess..."

"And thirdly, the Eternal Romance Pendant that you *very* sweetly gave
to me, the one that's keyed to your emotional state and will glow as
long as you love me no matter where you are in the galaxy, is literally
sitting on my chest and glowing right now."

Cliche Dude collapsed into Halls's arms, and the shadow rose out of him, screaming "Logiiiiiic!" before dissipating.

"ohhhhh..." Cliche Dude's eyes, now fully visible, fluttered open, and
he looked up at Halls. "Are you... an angel...?"

Halls chuckled. "Flatterer." And he leaned down and gave him a good long
kiss.

After the kiss, Cliche Dude sat up, leaning against Halls's shoulder and staring off into the distance. "Do you think I will ever be free of the
fate of the Chrysanthemum Groom, to bear the cliches of all the world?"

Halls sighed, putting an arm around him. "What I think is that this is
gonna be a *looooong* tournament."

====

Drew "this, too, is cliche" Nilium
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