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And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive
once again.
Here's where you can find this and more Panta Action!:
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/Tales.LNH/
And it's Tales of LNH #293-294 by Hubert Bartels!
Part Two of the BloodKitty Saga!
Time for some Ululating Screams?! Time for a
Gratuitous Munchkin Man Appearance?! Time
for an LNH'r to come back from the Dead?!
And time for a Mint copy of BloodKitty #1 to be
crumbled, then torn up, and then tossed onto
the floor of a cafeteria?!!!!!!!!
Find out in...
_
| | Classic
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| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
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|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #419
=====================
The BloodKitty Saga Part Two
=====================
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| | Tales of the
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|_| OF NET.HEROES
#293: A Horror for Ultimate Ninja!
[ Tales of the LNH #288-292 introduced us to four gentlemen who went to the
basement of the LNH HQ to do a bit of occult work. The work ended when
Comics-Snob-Boy II unveiled his creation - STUPIDTHING! For whoever has
known stupidity, shall burn at the touch of STUPIDTHING. Now, the dread
monster has SHULCK-SHULCKED its way up the stairs toward the unsuspecting
Legion of Net Heros. Comics-Snob Boy's II plans to destroy the LNH to
start
ridding the world of superhero comics have come to fruit!
In the meantime, in a far-off city, Panta has fallen into the hands of a
two-bit penciller and inker team for the Gentleman's magazine _Furrboy_. ]
The ululating scream echoed down the halls of the LNH HQ, freezing all those that heard with fear. From the cafeteria, the scream was echoed by
All-Knowing
-Last-Chance-Whiner Woman's cry of doom.
Slam! The cafeteria door was thrown open. Ultimate Ninja stood there
bravely,
silhouetted in the dark hallway by the light streaming from the cafeteria. (It's a great splash page.)
Thump! Ultimate Ninja was thrown on his butt by a tiny man wearing
crystalline
plate mail and wielding a huge two-handed sword in one hand and a repeating crossbow in the other. "Munckin Man to the rescue! In the name of King Waldorf!" The little munchkin tore down the hallway and disappeared into the darkened lobby.
"ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHhhhhhhnnnnn........" Everyone who heard the scream
shuddered.
Ultimate Ninja rolled forward and jumped to his feet, his Ginsu blade of
doom
flashing in the partial light. "Right!" he swore. "Let us do this in the old Legion of Net Heroes style. You!", he pointed to Sardonic Lad, "Go to the computer room and tell Multi-Tasking Man that we've got a class 2 emergency. "You," he said, pointing to Nit-Picking Lad, "Turn on the lights so that we
can see what we're facing."
SHLUSHLUCKSHUCLUCKKKSHLUCKK. The sound came closer. Nit-Picking Lad reached over and flicked on the lights. He turned back to stare with the others at
the
apparation coming down the hall at them.
"Oh my god," Sister-State-the-Obvious breathed. "It's a monster."
"Sardonic Lad," Ultimate Ninja yelled after the retreating master of the mouth-off. "Better make than a class 1++ emergency after all. And you'd
better hurry and tell Multi-Tasking Lad quick." Sardonic Lad swallowed his smart-alecky comeback and disappeared down the hallway.
The monster stopped. A young man walked around the slowly dripping mess of
the
thing's foot and stood there laughing.
"Comic-Snob-Boy!" Nit-Picking Lad said. "But we understood that you're
dead."
"'The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated', to quote an author that you pea-brains and your audience would not dream of reading. I have
come
back from another dimension to lead comic-book readers back to the true
ideal
of well-written, logical, sequential art that features art, plot, real characterization and thought." Comics-Snob Boy II pointed at his creation.
"And with the aid of my friend, conjured from an idea by David Sims, based
on
an yet older creation-"
"Sims' Woman-Thing looked different," Nit-Picking Lad interrupted. "Are-"
"SILENCE! You never interrupt an exposition, child! In this chinzty-type
comic that the LNH has fostered on readers everywhere," Comic-Snob-Boy II shouted, his veins popping out on his forehead, "authors use long involved expositions to carry the story along rather than drama or storytelling or-."
"That's enough exposition," Ultimate Ninja growled. "Die!" He flicked his fingers and a slew of shurikens skittered across the room. Comics-Snob-Boy
II dived behind his monster as the shuriken ripped at his skin. StupidThing slowly opened its maw and oozed forward.
Ultimate Ninja jumped into the air, rebounded from the wall and flew across
the room, his sword of Ginsu sharpness set to decapitate the thing. A jerk
and then Ultimate Ninja landed lightly on his feet, ready to face his next
foe. His blade dripped... something dark and foul. Ultimate Ninja smiled.
That was easier than he had thought.
The laughter from Comics-Snob-Boy II wiped away UN's smile. "That was really stupid, ninja. You cannot kill something like this with a knife. Now it's
my turn. STUPIDTHING! Kill! Kill! Kill!"
Ultimate Ninja launched himself in the air and landed in the midst of his LNH'ers, his back to the oncoming doom. "You better wake up Occult Lad and
send him down here," he snarled as he turned to study the narrow hallway
and the approaching thing. A foul stench flowed from STUPIDTHING as it
reached for the hapless LNH'ers.
"Sardonic Lad, hurry..." Ultimate Ninja swore as he turned to his doom.
"Oh, if you think Occultism Lad can help you, sorry." Comic-Snob Boy II laughed. "He's in another crossover and can't make it." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a long black shiny item. "And guess what this is?"
"A power cord," gasped Sister-State-the Obvious, hiding behind Ultimate
Ninja as StupidThing reached for the helpless LNH'ers. Ultimate Ninja
glanced back at the girl - what was the point?
"Right, and not only that," Comics-Snob-Boy II laughed. "It's the power cord
to the LNH computers. I'm afraid that there will be no help tonight, my
dear.
The LNH is about to end here, tonight. Tomorrow, the world will be ready
for intelligent adult sequential art. Goodnight and goodbye."
SHRACK!
Comics-Snob Boy II jumped back, but was unable to completely avoid the mysterious newcomer's weapon. He fell to the floor, writhing in pain. His clothes fell to ashes, his hair was scorched off. But Comics-Snob Boy II
could still hear the mysterious stranger say, "Net.Justice is served."
before disappearing.
"Damned writers and their deus-ex-machina endings," Comics-Snob Boy II swore just before he died. With his death, Comics-Snob Boy II's body faded back
into
the dimension he had come from. As Comics-Snob Boy II's body vanished, so
did
his monster.
"I think he's gone," Sister-State-the-Obvious said.
Ultimate Ninja sheathed his Ginsu blade of doom and stalked out of the room without a word to anyone.
"Um, UN," Sardonic Lad said, coming back up the hallway, "wReamhack wants to know which one of you jokers pulled the plug on the LNH computers - he lost where he was in X-wing thanks to that little joke. UN? Ultimate Ninja..."
[Two weeks later...]
"Feeling better, Fred?" Master Blaster asked as he stopped at the front
desk to pick up his mail.
"Um," Fred said from underneath the mask of bandages that made him look like
a mummy. He rummaged around the desk with his throughly wrapped hands and handed Master Blaster a thin stack of envelopes and a magazine wrapped in
a plain brown wrapper.
"Thanks," the man with the gun said. "Lucky for you, Comics-Snob-Boy II
forgot to mention how much people would burn when touched by his design. Wait-a-minute! This is my copy of _Furrboy_! Oh boy, who's the pinup this month!" He flipped the pages and stopped at the foldout. "Woudja look at
that! It's Panta!"
Fred lunged for the magazine. Master Blaster yanked it out of reach and
folded it up. "Down, boy. Get yer own copy. This one's mine." With that,
MB walked towards the stairs where Pliable Lad was standing.
"Hey, Pliable Lad. Guess whose hot bod is in _Furrboy_ this month. It's
your girlfriend, Panta! She looks better out of a bodysuit than in one,
you know... Those long legs, that tight butt, her... Waitamin, Pli! Why
are you running off? It's not like..." Master Blaster shouted after the disappearing man.
[ Will Panta ever return to the LNH? Will Master Blaster ever grow up? And
what of the mysterious Avenger? Next issue of Tales of the Legion of
Net Heroes - the answers. ]
Panta (Copyright 1993) Hubert Bartels. Other characters, copyrighted by
their creators. The Legion of Net Heroes is a non-smoking, EEO employer.]
--
Hubert Bartels INTERNET:
hgb@catalina.opt-sci.arizona.edu
Optical Sciences Center (602)-621-2032 FAX: (602)-621-4416 University of Arizona "Supa- Wa-pon hoshii!"/"WE want super-weapons!"
Tucson, AZ, USA 85721 Annapuna & Unipuma, Dominion OVA
From:
hgb@catalina.opt-sci.Arizona.EDU (Hubert Bartels)
Newsgroups: alt.comics.lnh
Subject: Tales of the LNH #294: The search for BloodKitty
Date: 15 Oct 1993 05:08:39 GMT
_
| | Tales of the
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|_| OF NET.HEROES
#294: The search for BloodKitty
[ In Tales of the LNH #292, in a far-off city, a hapless Panta has fallen
into the hands of a two-bit penciller and inker team for the gentleman's
magazine _Furrboy_. ]
The ululating scream echoed down the halls of the LNH HQ, freezing all those that heard with fear. Inside the cafeteria, the scream was echoed by All- Knowing-Last-Chance-Whiner Woman's cry of doom.
Slam! The cafeteria door slamed open, showing Self-Righteous Preacher
holding
a crumpled up comic in his clenched fist. "And if anyone else has the same
idea of bringing this filth in the Legion of Net.Heroes headquarters, let
them
be warned!" He ripped up the crumpled up copy of 'BloodKitty #1 - featuring Panta!' and tossed the pieces onto the cafeteria floor.
"I will stop at nothing to ensure that the LNH is safe from this kind of violent scantily clad trash! Do you understand me?"
The LNH'ers in the cafeteria all nodded at once. Self-Righteous Preacher
turned and strode, self-righteously, out of the room.
"Baka-na yarou," Token Girl swore under her breath, drawing on her knowledge
of Japanese anime. She cupped her hands around her cup of green tea. "He's
as bad as that Principal in Ranma 1/2, episode 56."
"What's that noise?" Token Girl's neighbor, Lurking Girl asked. She turned along with Organic Lass and Token Girl to stare at the cafeteria doors.
Slam! The cafeteria doors slammed open again. Mainstream Man fell to his
knees
in front of the tatters of 'BloodKitty #1'. "AARRRRRGGHHHHH!" he cried out, "That was the last M/NM copy of BK#1 in Net.ropolis! And he ruined it! He devalued it. It's...." He held up the tiny pieces and tried to fit them together. "It's fallen all the way to VG! It's worthless. I'm ruined."
"Is there anything we can do?" asked Organic Lass, getting up and walking
over
to the luckless man who could not buy a non-mainstream comic.
"Where, oh where am I going to find another copy?" Mainstream Man sobbed.
"How about the 32rd Annual Net.ropolis Comics Convention? They'll be plenty
of dealers there. I'm sure you can find another copy of BloodKitty at
the Image booth."
"Really?" Mainstream Man said, hopefully. "Even Image is coming?"
"I'm pretty sure. Besides, you might get it signed too. I heard that Steed
and Hyde are coming, along with 501 and Todd, and all sorts of people."
"Really?" Mainstream Man said in a doubtful voice. He wiped a tear from his eye.
"You ARE hopeless," Organic Lass finally said, walking back to her table.
[Page of EXPOSITION!!!! Yes, Panta had become a Image character. When we
saw her in the last Tales of the LNH, she had a pinup in _Furrboy_. How did
she and her penciler and inker move to the big time? Money. _Furrboy_ sold
out immediately. Steed and Hyde demanded more money, more pages, firing
their
editors, and corner offices. They were told to go find someplace that would
put up with their egos. They crossed the hall and came to Image. Image was currently in a bind as they had just fired all their additional
artist/writers
and the Big 7 Artists were busy with TV appearances.
The arrival of Steed, Hyde, and a 32 page, completed and colored comic was
like a miracle to them. After a little reworking, 'Kitty and Her New Toy' became 64 pages of non-stop, spine-cracking, in-your-face action that was
now called 'BloodKitty'. Within moments of arriving on the distributor's warehouse, it sold out. Speculators ran back and forth across the country, trying to lock up the last few unsold issues. The people at Image decided
to put Panta, Steed and Hyde on the comic convention circuit and drum up support for #2, now already a month late as no one could decide on the
exact shade of red foil to use on the back cover.
It just happened that the next convention will be in Net.ropolis. As Babs
Bunny would say, 'How Convieeeeennnnnnent'. Remember readers, Plot Holes
like this can only be used by trained professional writers. Do not try this
at home.
Whew! That's a lot of exposition. But we needed to move things along
quickly.
Now, we've covered the last 3 months. Let's return to the action! But
first!
Let's see how one famous net reviewer reviewed IMAGE's latest block buster.
Article: _4614 of rec.arts.comics.misc
From: d___dom@____________.edu (D__e V_n D_____n)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc
Subject: D___'s IMAGE Rant (BloodKitty!)
Date: 1_ Oct 1993 03:19:20 GMT
D__e's IMAGE Rant:
BloodKitty #1: This is a new book from IMAGE, featuring the writing talents of HGB and the pencils and inks of Steed and Hyde. Rushed into production to cover the gap in IMAGE products, both the art and writing
seem forced and hurried. The plot, if the collection of exposition between fight scenes might be called 'plot,' is of a mercenary swordsgirl, working secretly for a super-secret government agency, cutting her way through a horde of evil, sword-carrying evil ninja-type barbarians.
This book does for sword and sorcery what Cable and Weapon-X has
done
for mercenary groups - except that the lead character wears a lot less
than
Cable and carries a long sword everywhere she goes.
How the lead character in BloodKitty came to be a mutant leopard
girl,
the writing never makes it quite clear. However, it does allow her to
angst
for pages on how all she wanted to do is be skritched behind the ears.
The writing also does not make clear why this girl works for the government nor why it is necessary for hordes of ninja-type barbarians to attack her; The fights are there merely to display BloodKitty's figure
while she carves up villains to lines like - 'When you get to hell, drop
me a postcard!' or pointing to someone's severed arm: 'Why don't you pick
up after yourself?'
It's OK if you're into Liefeld's Youngblood, Bloodwulf, and Brigade.
But I don't believe the "#2 coming next month" ad. Would you?
D__e V_n D_____n, who can't believe that someone would write this
stuff.]
[ Another famous rec.comics.xbooks personality had this to say about the
latest from Image - '"BloodKitty has the best ass since Psylocke,"
St*mpi']
The scene is the ballroom of the Net.ropolis Ramada Inn. It is Friday, the second day of the 32nd Net.ropolis Comics Convention. And inside the IMAGE booth, sitting on a stool, dressed in her BloodKitty costume, wearing her
long sword, Panta sighed.
[ Well, that's it for this issue! Next issue, the action starts quickly. So
just be patient and pick up Tales of the LNH #295 to find out what
happens.
How does being at a Comic Convention change Panta's life forever?
Panta (Copyright 1993) Hubert Bartels. Other characters, copyrighted by
their creators. Apologies to Dave Van Domelen for using his review style -
it's all meant in fun. No hard feelings? Please.... I'm sorrrrrryyyy....]
--
Hubert Bartels INTERNET:
hgb@catalina.opt-sci.arizona.edu
Optical Sciences Center (602)-621-2032 FAX: (602)-621-4416 University of Arizona "Supa- Wa-pon hoshii!"/"WE want super-weapons!"
Tucson, AZ, USA 85721 Annapuna & Unipuma, Dominion OVA
==========
Next Week: Some More BLOODKITTY SAGA!!!!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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<div dir=3D"ltr">And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie arc= hive <br>once again.<br><br><br>Here's where you can find this and more=
Panta Action!:<br><br><a href=3D"
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Serie= s/Tales.LNH/">
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/Tales.LNH/</a><br>= <br><br>And it's Tales of LNH #293-294 by Hubert Bartels!<br>Part Two o=
f the BloodKitty Saga!<br><br><br>Time for some Ululating Screams?!=C2=A0 T= ime for a<br>Gratuitous Munchkin Man Appearance?!=C2=A0 Time<br>for an LNH&= #39;r to come back from the Dead?!<br>And time for a Mint copy of BloodKitt=
y #1 to be<br>crumbled, then torn up, and then tossed onto<br>the floor of =
a cafeteria?!!!!!!!!<br><br><br><br>Find out in...<br><br><br><br>=C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 _ <br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
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=A0 =C2=A0|____| =C2=A0 \__] =C2=A0 =C2=A0\__ | =C2=A0|_| =C2=A0 \__/ =C2=
=A0 |_|\_\<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
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=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 ADVENTURES #419<br><br><br><br>=C2=
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=A0 =C2=A0 #293: A Horror for Ultimate Ninja!<br><br>[ Tales of the LNH #28= 8-292 introduced us to four gentlemen who went to the<br>=C2=A0 basement of=
the LNH HQ to do a bit of occult work. The work ended when<br>=C2=A0 Comic= s-Snob-Boy II unveiled his creation - STUPIDTHING! For whoever has<br>=C2=
=A0 known stupidity, shall burn at the touch of STUPIDTHING. Now, the dread= <br>=C2=A0 monster has SHULCK-SHULCKED its way up the stairs toward the uns= uspecting<br>=C2=A0 Legion of Net Heros. Comics-Snob Boy's II plans to = destroy the LNH to start<br>=C2=A0 ridding the world of superhero comics ha=
ve come to fruit!<br><br>=C2=A0 In the meantime, in a far-off city, Panta h=
as fallen into the hands of a<br>=C2=A0 two-bit penciller and inker team fo=
r the Gentleman's magazine _Furrboy_. ]<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = <br>The ululating scream echoed down the halls of the LNH HQ, freezing all = those<br>that heard with fear. From the cafeteria, the scream was echoed by=
All-Knowing<br>-Last-Chance-Whiner Woman's cry of doom.<br><br>Slam! T=
he cafeteria door was thrown open. Ultimate Ninja stood there bravely,<br>s= ilhouetted in the dark hallway by the light streaming from the cafeteria.<b= r>(It's a great splash page.)<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 <br>Thump!=
Ultimate Ninja was thrown on his butt by a tiny man wearing crystalline<br= >plate mail and wielding a huge two-handed sword in one hand and a repeatin= g<br>crossbow in the other. "Munckin Man to the rescue! In the name of=
King<br>Waldorf!" The little munchkin tore down the hallway and disap= peared into the<br>darkened lobby.<br><br>"ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHhhhhhhnnnnn.= ......." Everyone who heard the scream shuddered.<br><br>Ultimate Ninj=
a rolled forward and jumped to his feet, his Ginsu blade of doom<br>flashin=
g in the partial light. "Right!" he swore. "Let us do this i=
n the old<br>Legion of Net Heroes style. You!", he pointed to Sardonic=
Lad, "Go to the<br>computer room and tell Multi-Tasking Man that we&#= 39;ve got a class 2 emergency.<br>"You," he said, pointing to Nit= -Picking Lad, "Turn on the lights so that we<br>can see what we're=
facing."<br><br>SHLUSHLUCKSHUCLUCKKKSHLUCKK. The sound came closer. N= it-Picking Lad reached<br>over and flicked on the lights. He turned back to=
stare with the others at the<br>apparation coming down the hall at them.<b= r><br>"Oh my god," Sister-State-the-Obvious breathed. "It= 9;s a monster."<br><br>"Sardonic Lad," Ultimate Ninja yelled=
after the retreating master of the<br>mouth-off. "Better make than a = class 1++ emergency after all. And you'd<br>better hurry and tell Multi= -Tasking Lad quick." Sardonic Lad swallowed his<br>smart-alecky comeba=
ck and disappeared down the hallway.<br><br>The monster stopped. A young ma=
n walked around the slowly dripping mess of the<br>thing's foot and sto=
od there laughing.<br><br>"Comic-Snob-Boy!" Nit-Picking Lad said.=
"But we understood that you're dead."<br><br>"'The = rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated', to quote an author<b= r>that you pea-brains and your audience would not dream of reading. I have = come<br>back from another dimension to lead comic-book readers back to the = true ideal<br>of well-written, logical, sequential art that features art, p= lot, real<br>characterization and thought." Comics-Snob Boy II pointed=
at his creation.<br>"And with the aid of my friend, conjured from an = idea by David Sims, based on<br>an yet older creation-"<br><br>"S= ims' Woman-Thing looked different," Nit-Picking Lad interrupted. &= quot;Are-"<br><br>"SILENCE! You never interrupt an exposition, ch= ild! In this chinzty-type <br>comic that the LNH has fostered on readers ev= erywhere," Comic-Snob-Boy II<br>shouted, his veins popping out on his = forehead, "authors use long involved <br>expositions to carry the stor=
y along rather than drama or storytelling or-."<br><br>"That'=
s enough exposition," Ultimate Ninja growled. "Die!" He flic= ked his<br>fingers and a slew of shurikens skittered across the room. Comic= s-Snob-Boy<br>II dived behind his monster as the shuriken ripped at his ski=
n. StupidThing<br>slowly opened its maw and oozed forward.<br><br>Ultimate = Ninja jumped into the air, rebounded from the wall and flew across<br>the r= oom, his sword of Ginsu sharpness set to decapitate the thing. A jerk<br>an=
d then Ultimate Ninja landed lightly on his feet, ready to face his next<br= >foe. His blade dripped... something dark and foul. Ultimate Ninja smiled.<= br>That was easier than he had thought.<br><br>The laughter from Comics-Sno= b-Boy II wiped away UN's smile. "That was really<br>stupid, ninja.=
You cannot kill something like this with a knife. Now it's<br>my turn.=
STUPIDTHING! Kill! Kill! Kill!"<br><br>Ultimate Ninja launched himsel=
f in the air and landed in the midst of his<br>LNH'ers, his back to the=
oncoming doom. "You better wake up Occult Lad and<br>send him down he= re," he snarled as he turned to study the narrow hallway<br>and the ap= proaching thing. A foul stench flowed from STUPIDTHING as it<br>reached for=
the hapless LNH'ers.<br><br>"Sardonic Lad, hurry..." Ultimat=
e Ninja swore as he turned to his doom.<br><br>"Oh, if you think Occul= tism Lad can help you, sorry." Comic-Snob Boy II<br>laughed. "He&= #39;s in another crossover and can't make it." He reached into his= <br>pocket and pulled out a long black shiny item. "And guess what thi=
s is?"<br><br>"A power cord," gasped Sister-State-the Obviou=
s, hiding behind Ultimate<br>Ninja as StupidThing reached for the helpless = LNH'ers. Ultimate Ninja<br>glanced back at the girl - what was the poin= t?<br><br>"Right, and not only that," Comics-Snob-Boy II laughed.=
"It's the power cord<br>to the LNH computers. I'm afraid that=
there will be no help tonight, my dear.<br>The LNH is about to end here, t= onight. Tomorrow, the world will be ready<br>for intelligent adult sequenti=
al art. Goodnight and goodbye."<br><br>SHRACK!<br><br>Comics-Snob Boy =
II jumped back, but was unable to completely avoid the<br>mysterious newcom= er's weapon. He fell to the floor, writhing in pain. His<br>clothes fel=
l to ashes, his hair was scorched off. But Comics-Snob Boy II<br>could stil=
l hear the mysterious stranger say, "Net.Justice is served."<br>b= efore disappearing.<br><br>"Damned writers and their deus-ex-machina e= ndings," Comics-Snob Boy II swore<br>just before he died. With his dea= th, Comics-Snob Boy II's body faded back into<br>the dimension he had c= ome from. As Comics-Snob Boy II's body vanished, so did<br>his monster.= <br><br>"I think he's gone," Sister-State-the-Obvious said.<b= r><br>Ultimate Ninja sheathed his Ginsu blade of doom and stalked out of th=
e room<br>without a word to anyone. <br><br>"Um, UN," Sardonic La=
d said, coming back up the hallway, "wReamhack wants to<br>know which = one of you jokers pulled the plug on the LNH computers - he lost<br>where h=
e was in X-wing thanks to that little joke. UN? Ultimate Ninja..."<br>= <br>[Two weeks later...]<br><br>"Feeling better, Fred?" Master Bl= aster asked as he stopped at the front<br>desk to pick up his mail.<br><br>= "Um," Fred said from underneath the mask of bandages that made hi=
m look like<br>a mummy. He rummaged around the desk with his throughly wrap= ped hands and<br>handed Master Blaster a thin stack of envelopes and a maga= zine wrapped in<br>a plain brown wrapper.<br><br>"Thanks," the ma=
n with the gun said. "Lucky for you, Comics-Snob-Boy II<br>forgot to m= ention how much people would burn when touched by his design.<br>Wait-a-min= ute! This is my copy of _Furrboy_! Oh boy, who's the pinup this<br>mont= h!" He flipped the pages and stopped at the foldout. "Woudja look=
at<br>that! It's Panta!"<br><br>Fred lunged for the magazine. Mas= ter Blaster yanked it out of reach and<br>folded it up. "Down, boy. Ge=
t yer own copy. This one's mine." With that,<br>MB walked towards = the stairs where Pliable Lad was standing.<br><br>"Hey, Pliable Lad. G= uess whose hot bod is in _Furrboy_ this month. It's<br>your girlfriend,=
Panta! She looks better out of a bodysuit than in one,<br>you know... Thos=
e long legs, that tight butt, her... Waitamin, Pli! Why<br>are you running = off? It's not like..." Master Blaster shouted after the<br>disappe= aring man.<br><br>[ Will Panta ever return to the LNH? Will Master Blaster = ever grow up? And<br>=C2=A0 what of the mysterious Avenger? Next issue of T= ales of the Legion of<br>=C2=A0 Net Heroes - the answers. ]<br><br>=C2=A0Pa= nta (Copyright 1993) Hubert Bartels. Other characters, copyrighted by<br>= =C2=A0their creators. The Legion of Net Heroes is a non-smoking, EEO employ= er.]<br><br>--<br>Hubert Bartels =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0INTERNET=
: <a href=3D"mailto:
hgb@catalina.opt-sci.arizona.edu">
hgb@catalina.opt-sci.= arizona.edu</a><br>Optical Sciences Center (602)-621-2032 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2= =A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0FAX: (602)-621-4416<br>University of Arizona =C2=A0=
"Supa- Wa-pon hoshii!"/"WE want super-weapons!"<br>Tuc= son, AZ, USA 85721 =C2=A0 =C2=A0Annapuna & Unipuma, Dominion OVA<br><br= ><br><br>From: <a href=3D"mailto:
hgb@catalina.opt-sci.Arizona.EDU">hgb@cata= lina.opt-sci.Arizona.EDU</a> (Hubert Bartels)<br>Newsgroups: alt.comics.lnh= <br>Subject: Tales of the LNH #294: The search for BloodKitty<br>Date: 15 O=
ct 1993 05:08:39 GMT<br><br> =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0_<br> =C2=A0 =C2=A0 | | =
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0Tales of the<br> =C2=A0 =C2=A0 | | =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2= =A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0=3D<br> =C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 | | =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0____ =C2=A0 =C2=A0____ =C2=A0 =C2=A0_ =C2=A0=
=C2=A0____ =C2=A0 =C2=A0___<br> =C2=A0 =C2=A0 | |__ =C2=A0 | [] | =C2=A0|=
[] | =C2=A0| | =C2=A0| [] | =C2=A0| _ \<br><br> =C2=A0 =C2=A0 |____| =C2=
=A0 \__] =C2=A0 =C2=A0\__ | =C2=A0|_| =C2=A0 \__/ =C2=A0 |_|\_\<br> ||<=
|_| =C2=A0OF NET.HEROES<br><br> =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 #294: The sea=
rch for BloodKitty<br><br>[ In Tales of the LNH #292, in a far-off city, a = hapless Panta has fallen<br>=C2=A0 into the hands of a two-bit penciller an=
d inker team for the gentleman's<br>=C2=A0 magazine _Furrboy_. ]<br><br= >The ululating scream echoed down the halls of the LNH HQ, freezing all tho= se<br>that heard with fear. Inside the cafeteria, the scream was echoed by = All-<br>Knowing-Last-Chance-Whiner Woman's cry of doom.<br><br>Slam! Th=
e cafeteria door slamed open, showing Self-Righteous Preacher holding<br>a = crumpled up comic in his clenched fist. "And if anyone else has the sa= me<br>idea of bringing this filth in the Legion of Net.Heroes headquarters,=
let them<br>be warned!" He ripped up the crumpled up copy of 'Blo= odKitty #1 - featuring<br>Panta!' and tossed the pieces onto the cafete= ria floor.<br><br>"I will stop at nothing to ensure that the LNH is sa=
fe from this kind of<br>violent scantily clad trash! Do you understand me?&= quot;<br><br>The LNH'ers in the cafeteria all nodded at once. Self-Righ= teous Preacher<br>turned and strode, self-righteously, out of the room.<br>= <br>"Baka-na yarou," Token Girl swore under her breath, drawing o=
n her knowledge<br>of Japanese anime. She cupped her hands around her cup o=
f green tea. "He's<br>as bad as that Principal in Ranma 1/2, episo=
de 56."<br><br>"What's that noise?" Token Girl's nei= ghbor, Lurking Girl asked. She turned<br>along with Organic Lass and Token = Girl to stare at the cafeteria doors.<br><br>Slam! The cafeteria doors slam= med open again. Mainstream Man fell to his knees<br>in front of the tatters=
of 'BloodKitty #1'. "AARRRRRGGHHHHH!" he cried out,<br>&= quot;That was the last M/NM copy of BK#1 in Net.ropolis! And he ruined it! = He<br>devalued it. It's...." He held up the tiny pieces and tried =
to fit them<br>together. "It's fallen all the way to VG! It's = worthless. I'm ruined."<br><br>"Is there anything we can do?&= quot; asked Organic Lass, getting up and walking over<br>to the luckless ma=
n who could not buy a non-mainstream comic.<br><br>"Where, oh where am=
I going to find another copy?" Mainstream Man sobbed.<br><br>"Ho=
w about the 32rd Annual Net.ropolis Comics Convention? They'll be plent= y<br>of dealers there. I'm sure you can find another copy of BloodKitty=
at<br>the Image booth."<br><br>"Really?" Mainstream Man sai=
d, hopefully. "Even Image is coming?"<br><br>"I'm pretty=
sure. Besides, you might get it signed too. I heard that Steed<br>and Hyde=
are coming, along with 501 and Todd, and all sorts of people."<br><br= >"Really?" Mainstream Man said in a doubtful voice. He wiped a te=
ar from his<br>eye.<br><br>"You ARE hopeless," Organic Lass final=
ly said, walking back to her table.<br><br>[Page of EXPOSITION!!!!=C2=A0 Ye=
s, Panta had become a Image character. When we<br>saw her in the last Tales=
of the LNH, she had a pinup in _Furrboy_. How did<br>she and her penciler = and inker move to the big time? Money. _Furrboy_ sold<br>out immediately. S= teed and Hyde demanded more money, more pages, firing their<br>editors, and=
corner offices. They were told to go find someplace that would<br>put up w= ith their egos. They crossed the hall and came to Image. Image was<br>curre= ntly in a bind as they had just fired all their additional artist/writers<b= r>and the Big 7 Artists were busy with TV appearances.<br><br>The arrival o=
f Steed, Hyde, and a 32 page, completed and colored comic was<br>like a mir= acle to them.=C2=A0 After a little reworking, 'Kitty and Her New Toy= 9;<br>became 64 pages of non-stop, spine-cracking, in-your-face action that=
was<br>now called 'BloodKitty'. Within moments of arriving on the = distributor's<br>warehouse, it sold out. Speculators ran back and forth=
across the country,<br>trying to lock up the last few unsold issues. The p= eople at Image decided<br>to put Panta, Steed and Hyde on the comic convent= ion circuit and drum up<br>support for #2, now already a month late as no o=
ne could decide on the<br>exact shade of red foil to use on the back cover.= <br><br>It just happened that the next convention will be in Net.ropolis. A=
s Babs<br>Bunny would say, 'How Convieeeeennnnnnent'. Remember read= ers, Plot Holes<br>like this can only be used by trained professional write= rs. Do not try this<br>at home.<br><br>Whew! That's a lot of exposition=
. But we needed to move things along quickly.<br>Now, we've covered the=
last 3 months. Let's return to the action!=C2=A0 But first!<br>Let'=
;s see how one famous net reviewer reviewed IMAGE's latest block buster= .<br><br>>Article: _4614 of rec.arts.comics.misc<br>>From: d___dom@__= __________.edu (D__e V_n D_____n)<br>>Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc<b= r>>Subject: D___'s IMAGE Rant (BloodKitty!)<br>>Date: 1_ Oct 1993=
03:19:20 GMT<br>><br>>D__e's IMAGE Rant:<br>><br>> =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 BloodKitty #1: This is a new book from IMAGE, featuring the w= riting<br>> talents of HGB and the pencils and inks of Steed and Hyde. R= ushed into<br>> production to cover the gap in IMAGE products, both the = art and writing<br>> seem forced and hurried. The plot, if the collectio=
n of exposition between<br>> fight scenes might be called 'plot,'=
; is of a mercenary swordsgirl, working<br>> secretly for a super-secret=
government agency, cutting her way through a<br>> horde of evil, sword-= carrying evil ninja-type barbarians.<br>> =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 This book=
does for sword and sorcery what Cable and Weapon-X has done<br>> for me= rcenary groups - except that the lead character wears a lot less than<br>&g=
t; Cable and carries a long sword everywhere she goes.<br>> =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 How the lead character in BloodKitty came to be a mutant leopard=
girl,<br>> the writing never makes it quite clear. However, it does all=
ow her to angst<br>> for pages on how all she wanted to do is be skritch=
ed behind the ears.<br>> =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 The writing also does not = make clear why this girl works for the<br>> government nor why it is nec= essary for hordes of ninja-type barbarians to<br>> attack her; The fight=
s are there merely to display BloodKitty's figure<br>> while she car= ves up villains to lines like - 'When you get to hell, drop<br>> me =
a postcard!' or pointing to someone's severed arm: 'Why don'=
;t you pick<br>> up after yourself?'<br>> =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 It= 's OK if you're into Liefeld's Youngblood, Bloodwulf, and Briga= de.<br>> =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 But I don't believe the "#2 comin=
g next month" ad. Would you?<br>><br>> =C2=A0 D__e V_n D_____n, = who can't believe that someone would write this stuff.]<br><br>[ Anothe=
r famous rec.comics.xbooks personality had this to say about the<br>=C2=A0 = latest from Image - '"BloodKitty has the best ass since Psylocke,&= quot; =C2=A0St*mpi']<br><br>The scene is the ballroom of the Net.ropoli=
s Ramada Inn. It is Friday, the<br>second day of the 32nd Net.ropolis Comic=
s Convention. And inside the IMAGE<br>booth, sitting on a stool, dressed in=
her BloodKitty costume, wearing her<br>long sword, Panta sighed.<br><br>[ = Well, that's it for this issue! Next issue, the action starts quickly. = So<br>=C2=A0 just be patient and pick up Tales of the LNH #295 to find out = what happens.<br>=C2=A0 How does being at a Comic Convention change Panta&#= 39;s life forever?<br><br>=C2=A0Panta (Copyright 1993) Hubert Bartels. Othe=
r characters, copyrighted by<br>=C2=A0their creators. Apologies to Dave Van=
Domelen for using his review style -<br>=C2=A0it's all meant in fun. N=
o hard feelings? Please.... I'm sorrrrrryyyy....]<br><br>--<br>Hubert B= artels =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0INTERNET: <a href=3D"mailto:hgb@ca= talina.opt-sci.arizona.edu">
hgb@catalina.opt-sci.arizona.edu</a><br>Optical=
Sciences Center (602)-621-2032 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0FA=
X: (602)-621-4416<br>University of Arizona =C2=A0 "Supa- Wa-pon hoshii= !"/"WE want super-weapons!"<br>Tucson, AZ, USA 85721 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0Annapuna & Unipuma, Dominion OVA<br><br><br><br>=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D<br><br>Next Week: =C2=A0Some More BLOODKITTY SAGA!!!!<br><b= r>=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D<br><br>Arthur "Same Classic Channel.= =C2=A0 But Same Time?=C2=A0 Probably not." Spitzer <br><br><br></div>
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