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The Jong Company Proudly Presents:
Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon
"The Book of Miracle Pets"
The Net.Mexico Institute for the Criminally Inane *sic* --
The writer scribbled something down in his notebook as he looked at the prisoner behind the super protective glass. The prisoner looked a bit
like one of those Dog Catcher types from some old cartoon. Almost
comical. But not quite.
"You know -- the day he died, I laughed. While the rest of the world
was sobbing. Not me. Will admit though that some tiny part of me was
sad. Sad that I wasn't the one who had killed him. Killed Cauliflower."
He called himself the Miracle Pet Catcher. His real name was unknown.
He had some cosmic Net that allowed him to trap Holiday Miracle Pets.
But he didn't have that anymore. Now he was just a fat man with a 5
o'clock shadow in a prison uniform. Locked away.
"We battled. Cauliflower and me. Once. He won of course. Every
single day at 2:30 I have this urge. This urge to drink Eggnog. That's
what he gave me. I hate eggnog!! I hate it!!! Can't get rid of it
though. No doctor believes me. But it's true. Every damn 2:30.
Nothing can stop it. Nothing."
The writer spoke up. "Why do you hate them? The Miracle Pets?"
"Hate them?" The Miracle Pet Catcher laughed. "That's why you're here.
Isn't it? To understand? To understand them. Yes. You hate them
too. They've hurt you. And you want to destroy them. Destroy them all."
"I'm just -- writing a book. Just a..."
"No. It will take more than a book to destroy them. A whole lot more.
But it will be a start. You want to know why? Why I hate them? I'll
tell you. I'll tell you it all. They judge us. Every day. Who gives
them the right? The right to decide who deserves miracles. And who
doesn't! Who gives them the right?!!"
The writer scribbled that down onto his notebook and re-read it. Yes.
Who gives them the right.
"They're so cute and adorable. That's what the fools think. They worm
into our hearts. And they grow -- devouring everything. Every part of
us. They want to enslave us. To take all of our Precious Bodily
Fluids!!! That's their Ultimate Plan!! Yes!!!"
"Umm. Okay. Think I've got enough for my..."
"I'll break free from this cage! Someday! And then I'll get them all!
Catch them all! And take them back to my Holiday Miracle Pet Pound
and -- Muhahahhahahaahha!!!!" screamed the Miracle Pet Catcher as he
laughed and laughed not realizing that interview was over.
OOooOO OOooOO OOooOO
The writer, whose name was Will Winters, was sitting in a cafe looking
over his notes.
"So what's your story, hon?" said a waitress in her mid thirties holding
a half filled pot of coffee.
Will looked up at her. You want to know my story? How I used to be a
reporter for Mid.Net Star till I got downsized out of my job? How this
wedding ring that I'm still wearing used to mean that I was married to
the love of my life till she divorced me and took my house and
everything? How my daughter -- my daughter. My sweet daughter.
Will closed his eyes and then opened them back up.
Finally he said, "Just a man in search of an apple pie." He smiled at her.
The waitress winked at him. "Coming right up, hon."
OOooOO OOooOO OOooOO
Will Winters was back in his hotel room. He was in the border city of Espayola, Net.Mexico. Supposedly last year around this time at a 'Guns, Diapers, and Eggs.Mart' two Holiday Miracle Pets, along with a number of
FBI and CIA agents had battled each other there. He had come here to
check it out, and maybe interview one of the local cops who had been on
the scene. At least that was the plan.
He looked at his laptop. Why was he writing this stupid book? Didn't
the world already have enough books about the Holiday Miracle Pets?
Every housewife and their uncle had written one by now. He walked over
a suitcase he had on his bed and opened it up. It was full of books.
Full of stupid Miracle Pet Books. There was 'Getting Rich the Miracle
Pet Way!' 'The Cauliflower Method for Tighter Abs!' 'Did Cauliflower
kill JFK?' 'Men are Eggplants, Women are Radishes!' And bunch of other
wastes of trees. But in not one of these was the answer. No one could
tell him why.
He took a dvd out from his suitcase and slipped it into his laptop. A
few minutes later, an interview appeared. It was Misty Summers on
Oprah. 2005. A year after Cauliflower the Miracle Pooch had died. He
started to watch it and then he clicked it off. He couldn't watch it.
Maybe later. Maybe tomorrow.
He sat on his bed and took his shoes off. He grabbed the hotel's remote
and turned the TV on. Need to forget. Forget the world. It was the
news. No. He didn't want to watch the news. He had heard enough about
the crap economy. About how everyone was losing their jobs. About the
Growing Job Blackhole that Hex Luthor had created that no one could
stop, not even Barack "Ultimate Savior" Obama.
He clicked to a few more channels. He stopped at one that had girls in
bikinis chainsawing dinosaur ice sculptures. This was more like it. He
walked over to his fridge and took out a can of Mr. Paprika. He went
over to his suitcase a dug out a bottle of vodka. He unwrapped the
plastic wrap on one of those plastic Hotel cups, grabbed some ice out of
the ice bucket and poured the two drinks together in the glass.
He looked back at the TV. No more girls in bikinis. Just a stupid
commercial. He reached for the remote, but hesitated.
<<It's coming!! Egg-Ageddon is almost here!! The Egg Hunt to end all
Egg Hunts!! The Easter Cruise to end all Easter Cruises!! Yes, Kids!!
Gets your Parents!! Because you don't want to miss this!! Everyone
will be there!! Hip Rocking Bands -- The Peep Junkies!! Cadbury Egg
Suicide!! The Eggles!! And that's not all!! The Easter Bunny!! The
Easter Chicken!! The Easter Duck!! The Easter Llama!! Jesus "Egg"
Christ!! Borscht, the Passover Miracle Wombat!! Kathy Lee Gifford!!!
Mel Gibson!! Charo!!! And for the First Time Ever -- Eggplant the
Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon!!! Yes!! I'm not Egging with you!!
Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon!!!>>
<<It's going to be Egg-Credible!! Egg-Mazing!! SpEgg-tackluar!! It
will make you Egg your pants!! So tell your parents!! Tell them that
we've got a 24 hour bar and casino!! Non-stop drinking and gambling!!
They don't want to miss the cruise!! You don't want to miss this
cruise!! Because if you do, you'll always feel bitter about it. Yes.
Bitter till the end of your life!! So don't miss it!!!!!>>
Will clicked the TV off. He was going on that cruise. He had to.
Maybe it would all finally make sense.
OOooOO OOooOO OOooOO
Will looked over the edge of the rails. At the swaying salt water.
Suddenly, he could hear a commotion coming. A mob of people were
walking by. He saw people snapping photos at someone. There were men
in black suits wearing black sunglasses and there were escorting someone
or something. It was lizard. A big lizard wearing an Easter bonnet!
It had to be Eggplant! This was his chance!
He rushed over to the entourage and pulled out an old press card he had
and began to wave it. "Hey! Eggplant! Could I get an interview!?
Could I...?" The entourage stopped and one of the black suited men, a
rather large towering figure walked over and grabbed the press card from
Will's hand.
The black suited man looked at the card and snorted. "Pressarazzi, huh?
Mr. Eggplant doesn't answer questions! Now back off, buddy!" He
pulled his gun out and pointed at Will. "You understand?"
Will nodded and backed away.
OOooOO OOooOO OOooOO
This had been a waste of money. Will looked at the scotch he was
drinking. The band Cadbury Egg Suicide was playing (or mangling) Frank
Zappa's 'Watermelon in Easter Hay'. Why did he go on this stupid
cruise? There was no way he was going to get that interview with
Eggplant. And the other Holiday Miracle Pet that was supposed to be on
this cruise? What was his name? Borscht, the Passover Miracle Wombat?
Turned out he wasn't even on the boat. Supposedly, he was in some
rehab clinic in Tucson.
He had spent everything he had on this cruise. God. Nothing to do now,
but drink. He looked around the bar. Just aging Baby Boomers all
looking bored out of their skulls. This was nothing like an episode of
the Love Boat. Wasn't Charo supposed to be here? He hadn't seen her.
He gestured to the bartender for another drink. As he did that, a huge
bang rocked the bar. What was that? A bomb? Terrorists? More bangs
followed like giants were pounding on the roof. What was going on?
People were starting to rush outside. He could hear screams. He
decided to see what was happening.
As he walked out into the open, he could see objects flaring down from
the sky. It was a Meteor Shower. Burning rocks in a rainbow of colors
were raining down on there ship. It was surreal. He had never seen
anything like this. People were running around screaming. Someone
shouted, "The LNH Will Save Us!!" right before a chunk pulverized them.
Christ! He had to get out of here! He had to...
OOooOO OOooOO OOooOO
Will opened his eyes up. It was day time. Where was he? He looked
around and saw that he was on an inflatable raft with a number of other
people. And a big lizard wearing an Easter Bonnet. How did he get
here? The Meteor Shower. His head hurt.
A man in a labcoat was talking. "Based on my readings of my GPS.thingee
I'd say we're somewhere in the Hypothetical Situation Sea of the fabled
Easter Island trapezoid (Like the Bermuda triangle -- only more
trapezoidy). It's a place where Hypothetical Situations become real.
Looking at the supplies we have, I'd say we have enough supplies to make
it to land for eleven people and a Komodo dragon."
"But wait," said another guy. "There are twelve of us and a Komodo dragon!"
The scientist nodded. "I know. Sadly, one of us is going to have to
get off the raft."
"Wait! This is insane!" disagreed another person. "Maybe you're wrong!"
"No, I'm afraid he isn't. I'm a scientist too," another man said
pointing to his labcoat. "And my calculations are exactly like his."
He showed everybody his calculator. "One of us is going to have to get
off the raft."
"What about the lizard? He's not human!" Eggplant gazed at the man who
had spoke. He just gazed and gazed. Occasionally his lizard tongue
would slither out.
Scientist #1 shook his head. "It would be pointless. Holiday Miracle
Pets don't need to eat or drink. The Power of Easter gives Eggplant all
his nourishment. Besides, he'd most likely just kill anyone who tried
to push him off. No. It will have to be one of us."
"How about the Fat Guy then? He's taking up too much space!" shouted
someone else.
"No! Please! I've got a glandular problem! I can't help it!" cried
the Fat Guy.
"Stop this!" shouted an incredibly old man in a priest outfit. He had a
bit of a German accent. "This is madness! What we're talking about!
We're talking about murdering someone! Murder! For the love of God!
What we should be doing is praying to God! Only God can save us!
Deliver us from this! We must pray! All of us!"
"Okay," said Scientist #1. "We can try that. Everyone, let's all pray
to God to teleport us to civilized land in the next minute." And
everyone prayed. Scientist #1 looked at his watch. The minute ran out
and nothing had happened. "Well, that didn't work. Okay, let's go back
to figuring out who we're going to throw overboard. Ideas people?"
"I can't believe you people! God does not work that way. God is..."
"Look priest guy," said Scientist #1. "We tried your whole pray to God
idea. It didn't work. Let's move on."
"Well, I believe it is traditional in situations like these to have
every man draw straws and..." Scientist #2 started to say.
"And women! You will not deny us a chance to participate in this straw drawing! Not in the 21st Century!" said a women who was obviously a
feminist!
"Oh, nice work, Gloria Steinem!" said a women who obviously wasn't a
feminist in a sarcastic voice.
"Cuchi-Cuchi!" said Charo.
"Hey. I've got an idea. Oh by the way, the name is Pister Maprika
(Used to be called Mr. Paprika, but had to change it because of this
legal battle -- long story [See the Omaha Project - ed].) Anyway, I
happen to be a billionaire that has a ton of money. Here's my idea. I
give each one of you people a million -- oh what the hell -- two million (except for the person who gets thrown overboard) and I secure my place
on this raft without having to draw a straw. Oh and an extra million if
you allow me to sleep with your wife (or husband as the case may be).
Sound good?"
"Why you lousy coward! I'll kill you and anyone who accepts your
offer!" said a very angry man who was obviously a socialist.
"Hey. Whoah. It was just an idea." Pister Maprika held his hands up innocently. "Let's not get hysterical. 'Kay?"
Will wished he had his notebook with him. All of this was gold. This
was an amazing story that was happening here. And he was in the middle
of it. Assuming he survived this, he could write his own ticket from
here on out. Everyone would want to read this. He'd be...
He felt a tap on his shoulder. "Hey." It was the person next to him. "Assuming we survive this -- could I get an interview with you. I'm a
writer for the Net.Yorker -- and I'm doing this book on the Holiday
Miracle Pets and I wanted..."
"Hey Jake! Thought I recognized you," said the man on the other side of
Will. "It's me -- Mick! Rolling Stain Magazine! Remember? Hey, I'm
also doing a Miracle Pet Book! Small world, huh?"
"No, boys! There can only be one Miracle Pet Book! The Charo Miracle
Pet Book!" Charo shook her Maracas. "Cuchi-Cuchi!"
Oh, this was great. Of course. Everyone on this damn raft was writing
a book about the Holiday Miracle Pets. He should have known. He should
just volunteer to throw himself overboard and get it over with. But no,
he couldn't even do that much.
But if it was him that they decided to throw overboard, he would ask
Eggplant the question -- the question he was afraid to ask. He'd do
that much before he died.
Scientist #1 turned his back to everyone and proceeded to mix the
straws. After awhile he returned, his fist filled with straws. Some
high. Some low. "We'll go around clockwise. Each pick a straw. The
one who gets the short straw -- well you know." He looked at the water.
"You'll have to get off the raft. Fat Guy. You're first."
The Fat Guy hesitated. Sweat poured down his neck. Finally, he grabbed
one of the closest ones. It was long. "Oh thank god! Thank God!!" he
said sighing with relief.
Scientist #2 was next. He punched his calculator a few times and
studied the number. He held his breath. He picked one of the middle
straws. It was long. He breathed again.
"Ok. Priest. You're up. Pick a Straw. Any straw." Scientist #1 held
the straws near the Priest.
"No. I refuse to do this. This is monstrous -- what we're doing here!
People, think about this! What we're doing here! We can't do this!
We can't kill another human! It won't be worth it. This will haunt you
for the rest of your lives. Please! Just think about this! That's all
I ask! Think about this! We're human beings! We're not animals!
We're better than this! God help us, we are. Please! Please," pleaded
the Priest.
"We already decided, Priest. It's one of us or all of us. Pick a
straw. Pick a straw."
"No. I won't do it! I won't! I..." but before the Priest could finish
his sentence Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon leaped from his
part of the raft and lunged at the Priest. Eggplants jaws grabbed
savagely at the Priest's throat. Blood spurted all over the raft.
After a few minutes Eggplant let go. The Priest's head limped down.
"Oh god! He killed that poor old man! He killed him!" said Feminist
Woman as her hand covered her mouth.
"No, wait! I know that face! The Priest's face!" said Scientist #2 as
he took a black marker out of one of his pockets. Scientist #2 went
over to the dead Priest's head and using the marker gave the Priest a
Hitler mustache. "Yes! I was right! It's him!" He then took out a
photo from another pocket and showed it to the people on the raft.
"This is a photo I have of what Adolph Hitler might look like if he had
lived to be 119 years old. See? It's him! Just without the mustache!"
Feminist Woman looked at the photo. "Well, I'll be -- that is Hitler.
Wow. Eggplant killed Hitler. He saved us from Hitler."
"That bastard Hitler -- he's finally dead!" said Angry Socialist Guy.
"Three cheers for Eggplant! Hip-hip hurray! Hip-hip Hurray! Hip-hip Hurray!!"
And everyone cheered for Eggplant. Hitler had finally received justice
for all of the horrible crimes he had committed.
"Wait!" Charo hollered. "We should destroy Hitler's brain. So no one
can put it into a robot or super powered gorilla. Cuchi-Cuchi!"
"Good idea, Charo," said Scientist #1 who used his pocket knife to carve
into Hitler's skull so he could once and for all destroy Hitler's brain.
A week later, a plane spotted the raft and everyone was saved. Except
for Hitler. Who was dead. Finally. Dead! And his brain destroyed. Destroyed!
OOooOO OOooOO OOooOO
And that's my story.
I did get a book deal and $50,000 advance. Not much. You'd think the
story of Hitler's last cruise would pay a lot more. But then I'm not
Charo who got a $20 million deal for her version. Oh well. It will
help pay my credit card bills.
Some people will call what happened a miracle. If it was one, then it
was a bit too late.
I never got to ask Eggplant my question. Don't know if he would or
could have answered it. Probably not.
You want to know what my question was? I had a daughter. Clara. Clara Winters. My daughter had cancer. And she was at the same hospital that
Misty Summers was at. The Misty Summers who Cauliflower the Christmas
Miracle Pooch saved. That one. Why her? Why not my daughter? Why did
my daughter have to...
That's my question. And maybe it's a stupid human question. A selfish question. Why?
Who gives them the right? The right to decide. Which of us deserve
miracles?
I guess getting a $20 million book deal wouldn't change much. It
wouldn't answer that question. It wouldn't make sense of everything.
I guess some people are lucky and some aren't. Some girls get to grow
up and some...
I don't know if I'll ever get that book I'm writing finished. I don't know.
Getting rescued was like a flash of light. But the light's over. I
don't know if there's ever going to be another light. Maybe the tunnel
will just keep getting darker and darker.
But hey. Guess it could always be worse.
I mean at least I'm not Adolph Hitler.
That would suck.
The End.
OOooOO OOooOO OOooOO
Credits:
Borscht, the Passover Miracle Wombat -- Rob Rogers
The rest mine... (except Adolph Hitler and Charo)
Writer's notes:
Links to the rest of the series:
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Eggplant_%28series%29
That's it for Eggplant. 4 issues just like Cauliflower.
If you want to see more Miracle Pet stories, you'll probably have to
write them yourselves.
Arthur "Miracled Out" Spitzer
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<div dir=3D"ltr">=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 Th=
e Jong Company Proudly Presents:<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "The Bo=
ok of Miracle Pets"<br><br>The Net.Mexico Institute for the Criminally=
Inane *sic* --<br><br>The writer scribbled something down in his notebook =
as he looked at the <br>prisoner behind the super protective glass.=C2=A0 T=
he prisoner looked a bit <br>like one of those Dog Catcher types from some = old cartoon.=C2=A0 Almost <br>comical.=C2=A0 But not quite.<br><br>"Yo=
u know -- the day he died, I laughed.=C2=A0 While the rest of the world <br= >was sobbing.=C2=A0 Not me.=C2=A0 Will admit though that some tiny part of =
me was <br>sad.=C2=A0 Sad that I wasn't the one who had killed him.=C2=
=A0 Killed Cauliflower."<br><br>He called himself the Miracle Pet Catc= her.=C2=A0 His real name was unknown. <br>He had some cosmic Net that allow=
ed him to trap Holiday Miracle Pets. <br>But he didn't have that anymor= e.=C2=A0 Now he was just a fat man with a 5 <br>o'clock shadow in a pri= son uniform.=C2=A0 Locked away.<br><br>"We battled.=C2=A0 Cauliflower = and me.=C2=A0 Once.=C2=A0 He won of course.=C2=A0 Every <br>single day at 2= :30 I have this urge.=C2=A0 This urge to drink Eggnog.=C2=A0 That's <br= >what he gave me.=C2=A0 I hate eggnog!!=C2=A0 I hate it!!!=C2=A0 Can't = get rid of it <br>though.=C2=A0 No doctor believes me.=C2=A0 But it's t= rue.=C2=A0 Every damn 2:30. <br>Nothing can stop it.=C2=A0 Nothing."<b= r><br>The writer spoke up. =C2=A0"Why do you hate them?=C2=A0 The Mira= cle Pets?"<br><br>"Hate them?" =C2=A0The Miracle Pet Catcher=
laughed. =C2=A0"That's why you're here. <br>=C2=A0 Isn't = it?=C2=A0 To understand?=C2=A0 To understand them.=C2=A0 Yes.=C2=A0 You hat=
e them <br>too.=C2=A0 They've hurt you.=C2=A0 And you want to destroy t= hem.=C2=A0 Destroy them all."<br><br>"I'm just -- writing a b= ook.=C2=A0 Just a..."<br><br>"No.=C2=A0 It will take more than a = book to destroy them.=C2=A0 A whole lot more. <br>=C2=A0 But it will be a s= tart.=C2=A0 You want to know why?=C2=A0 Why I hate them?=C2=A0 I'll <br= >tell you.=C2=A0 I'll tell you it all.=C2=A0 They judge us.=C2=A0 Every=
day.=C2=A0 Who gives <br>them the right?=C2=A0 The right to decide who des= erves miracles.=C2=A0 And who <br>doesn't!=C2=A0 Who gives them the rig= ht?!!"<br><br>The writer scribbled that down onto his notebook and re-= read it.=C2=A0 Yes. <br>Who gives them the right.<br><br>"They're =
so cute and adorable.=C2=A0 That's what the fools think.=C2=A0 They wor=
m <br>into our hearts.=C2=A0 And they grow -- devouring everything.=C2=A0 E= very part of <br>us.=C2=A0 They want to enslave us.=C2=A0 To take all of ou=
r Precious Bodily <br>Fluids!!!=C2=A0 That's their Ultimate Plan!!=C2=
=A0 Yes!!!"<br><br>"Umm.=C2=A0 Okay.=C2=A0 Think I've got eno= ugh for my..."<br><br>"I'll break free from this cage!=C2=A0 = Someday!=C2=A0 And then I'll get them all! <br>=C2=A0 Catch them all!= =C2=A0 And take them back to my Holiday Miracle Pet Pound <br>and -- Muhaha= hhahahaahha!!!!" screamed the Miracle Pet Catcher as he <br>laughed an=
d laughed not realizing that interview was over.<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 OOooOO =C2=A0 OOooOO =C2=A0 O= OooOO<br><br><br>The writer, whose name was Will Winters, was sitting in a = cafe looking <br>over his notes.<br><br>"So what's your story, hon= ?" said a waitress in her mid thirties holding <br>a half filled pot o=
f coffee.<br><br>Will looked up at her.=C2=A0 You want to know my story?=C2= =A0 How I used to be a <br>reporter for Mid.Net Star till I got downsized o=
ut of my job?=C2=A0 How this <br>wedding ring that I'm still wearing us=
ed to mean that I was married to <br>the love of my life till she divorced =
me and took my house and <br>everything?=C2=A0 How my daughter -- my daught= er.=C2=A0 My sweet daughter.<br><br>Will closed his eyes and then opened th=
em back up.<br><br>Finally he said, "Just a man in search of an apple = pie." =C2=A0He smiled at her.<br><br>The waitress winked at him. =C2= =A0"Coming right up, hon."<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2= =A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 OOooOO =C2=A0 OOooOO =C2=A0 OOooOO<br><br><= br>Will Winters was back in his hotel room.=C2=A0 He was in the border city=
of <br>Espayola, Net.Mexico.=C2=A0 Supposedly last year around this time a=
t a 'Guns, <br>Diapers, and Eggs.Mart' two Holiday Miracle Pets, al= ong with a number of <br>FBI and CIA agents had battled each other there.= =C2=A0 He had come here to <br>check it out, and maybe interview one of the=
local cops who had been on <br>the scene.=C2=A0 At least that was the plan= .<br><br>He looked at his laptop.=C2=A0 Why was he writing this stupid book= ?=C2=A0 Didn't <br>the world already have enough books about the Holida=
y Miracle Pets? <br>Every housewife and their uncle had written one by now.= =C2=A0 He walked over <br>a suitcase he had on his bed and opened it up.=C2= =A0 It was full of books. <br>Full of stupid Miracle Pet Books.=C2=A0 There=
was 'Getting Rich the Miracle <br>Pet Way!' =C2=A0'The Caulifl= ower Method for Tighter Abs!' =C2=A0'Did Cauliflower <br>kill JFK?&= #39; =C2=A0'Men are Eggplants, Women are Radishes!' =C2=A0And bunch=
of other <br>wastes of trees.=C2=A0 But in not one of these was the answer= .=C2=A0 No one could <br>tell him why.<br><br>He took a dvd out from his su= itcase and slipped it into his laptop.=C2=A0 A <br>few minutes later, an in= terview appeared.=C2=A0 It was Misty Summers on <br>Oprah. =C2=A02005.=C2=
=A0 A year after Cauliflower the Miracle Pooch had died.=C2=A0 He <br>start=
ed to watch it and then he clicked it off.=C2=A0 He couldn't watch it. = <br>Maybe later.=C2=A0 Maybe tomorrow.<br><br>He sat on his bed and took hi=
s shoes off.=C2=A0 He grabbed the hotel's remote <br>and turned the TV = on.=C2=A0 Need to forget.=C2=A0 Forget the world.=C2=A0 It was the <br>news= .=C2=A0 No.=C2=A0 He didn't want to watch the news.=C2=A0 He had heard = enough about <br>the crap economy.=C2=A0 About how everyone was losing thei=
r jobs.=C2=A0 About the <br>Growing Job Blackhole that Hex Luthor had creat=
ed that no one could <br>stop, not even Barack "Ultimate Savior" = Obama.<br><br>He clicked to a few more channels.=C2=A0 He stopped at one th=
at had girls in <br>bikinis chainsawing dinosaur ice sculptures.=C2=A0 This=
was more like it.=C2=A0 He <br>walked over to his fridge and took out a ca=
n of Mr. Paprika.=C2=A0 He went <br>over to his suitcase a dug out a bottle=
of vodka.=C2=A0 He unwrapped the <br>plastic wrap on one of those plastic = Hotel cups, grabbed some ice out of <br>the ice bucket and poured the two d= rinks together in the glass.<br><br>He looked back at the TV.=C2=A0 No more=
girls in bikinis.=C2=A0 Just a stupid <br>commercial.=C2=A0 He reached for=
the remote, but hesitated.<br><br><<It's coming!!=C2=A0 Egg-Aged= don is almost here!!=C2=A0 The Egg Hunt to end all <br>Egg Hunts!!=C2=A0 Th=
e Easter Cruise to end all Easter Cruises!!=C2=A0 Yes, Kids!! <br>=C2=A0 Ge=
ts your Parents!!=C2=A0 Because you don't want to miss this!!=C2=A0 Eve= ryone <br>will be there!!=C2=A0 Hip Rocking Bands -- The Peep Junkies!!=C2=
=A0 Cadbury Egg <br>Suicide!!=C2=A0 The Eggles!!=C2=A0 And that's not a= ll!!=C2=A0 The Easter Bunny!!=C2=A0 The <br>Easter Chicken!!=C2=A0 The East=
er Duck!!=C2=A0 The Easter Llama!!=C2=A0 Jesus "Egg" <br>Christ!!= =C2=A0 Borscht, the Passover Miracle Wombat!!=C2=A0 Kathy Lee Gifford!!! <b= r>Mel Gibson!!=C2=A0 Charo!!!=C2=A0 And for the First Time Ever -- Eggplant=
the <br>Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon!!!=C2=A0 Yes!!=C2=A0 I'm not Eggi=
ng with you!! <br>Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon!!!>><br><= br><<It's going to be Egg-Credible!!=C2=A0 Egg-Mazing!!=C2=A0 SpE= gg-tackluar!!=C2=A0 It <br>will make you Egg your pants!!=C2=A0 So tell you=
r parents!!=C2=A0 Tell them that <br>we've got a 24 hour bar and casino= !!=C2=A0 Non-stop drinking and gambling!! <br>They don't want to miss t=
he cruise!!=C2=A0 You don't want to miss this <br>cruise!!=C2=A0 Becaus=
e if you do, you'll always feel bitter about it.=C2=A0 Yes. <br>Bitter = till the end of your life!!=C2=A0 So don't miss it!!!!!>><br><br>= Will clicked the TV off.=C2=A0 He was going on that cruise.=C2=A0 He had to= .<br><br>Maybe it would all finally make sense.<br><br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 OOooOO =C2=A0 OOooOO =C2=
=A0 OOooOO<br><br>Will looked over the edge of the rails.=C2=A0 At the sway= ing salt water. <br>Suddenly, he could hear a commotion coming.=C2=A0 A mob=
of people were <br>walking by.=C2=A0 He saw people snapping photos at some= one.=C2=A0 There were men <br>in black suits wearing black sunglasses and t= here were escorting someone <br>or something.=C2=A0 It was lizard.=C2=A0 A = big lizard wearing an Easter bonnet! <br>It had to be Eggplant!=C2=A0 This = was his chance!<br><br>He rushed over to the entourage and pulled out an ol=
d press card he had <br>and began to wave it. =C2=A0"Hey!=C2=A0 Eggpla= nt!=C2=A0 Could I get an interview!? <br>Could I...?" =C2=A0The entour= age stopped and one of the black suited men, a <br>rather large towering fi= gure walked over and grabbed the press card from <br>Will's hand.<br><b= r>The black suited man looked at the card and snorted. =C2=A0"Pressara= zzi, huh? <br>=C2=A0 Mr. Eggplant doesn't answer questions!=C2=A0 Now b= ack off, buddy!" =C2=A0He <br>pulled his gun out and pointed at Will. = =C2=A0"You understand?"<br><br>Will nodded and backed away.<br><b= r><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 OOooOO=
=C2=A0 OOooOO =C2=A0 OOooOO<br><br>This had been a waste of money.=C2=A0 W= ill looked at the scotch he was <br>drinking.=C2=A0 The band Cadbury Egg Su= icide was playing (or mangling) Frank <br>Zappa's 'Watermelon in Ea= ster Hay'.=C2=A0 Why did he go on this stupid <br>cruise?=C2=A0 There w=
as no way he was going to get that interview with <br>Eggplant.=C2=A0 And t=
he other Holiday Miracle Pet that was supposed to be on <br>this cruise?=C2= =A0 What was his name?=C2=A0 Borscht, the Passover Miracle Wombat? <br>=C2=
=A0 Turned out he wasn't even on the boat.=C2=A0 Supposedly, he was in = some <br>rehab clinic in Tucson.<br><br>He had spent everything he had on t= his cruise.=C2=A0 God.=C2=A0 Nothing to do now, <br>but drink.=C2=A0 He loo= ked around the bar.=C2=A0 Just aging Baby Boomers all <br>looking bored out=
of their skulls.=C2=A0 This was nothing like an episode of <br>the Love Bo= at.=C2=A0 Wasn't Charo supposed to be here?=C2=A0 He hadn't seen he= r.<br><br>He gestured to the bartender for another drink.=C2=A0 As he did t= hat, a huge <br>bang rocked the bar.=C2=A0 What was that?=C2=A0 A bomb?=C2=
=A0 Terrorists?=C2=A0 More bangs <br>followed like giants were pounding on = the roof.=C2=A0 What was going on? <br>People were starting to rush outside= .=C2=A0 He could hear screams.=C2=A0 He <br>decided to see what was happeni= ng.<br><br>As he walked out into the open, he could see objects flaring dow=
n from <br>the sky.=C2=A0 It was a Meteor Shower.=C2=A0 Burning rocks in a = rainbow of colors <br>were raining down on there ship.=C2=A0 It was surreal= .=C2=A0 He had never seen <br>anything like this.=C2=A0 People were running=
around screaming.=C2=A0 Someone <br>shouted, "The LNH Will Save Us!!&= quot; right before a chunk pulverized them.<br><br>Christ!=C2=A0 He had to = get out of here!=C2=A0 He had to...<br><br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 OOooOO =C2=A0 OOooOO =C2=A0 OOooOO<br><b= r>Will opened his eyes up.=C2=A0 It was day time.=C2=A0 Where was he?=C2=A0=
He looked <br>around and saw that he was on an inflatable raft with a numb=
er of other <br>people.=C2=A0 And a big lizard wearing an Easter Bonnet.=C2= =A0 How did he get <br>here?=C2=A0 The Meteor Shower.=C2=A0 His head hurt.<= br><br>A man in a labcoat was talking. =C2=A0"Based on my readings of =
my GPS.thingee <br>I'd say we're somewhere in the Hypothetical Situ= ation Sea of the fabled <br>Easter Island trapezoid (Like the Bermuda trian= gle -- only more <br>trapezoidy).=C2=A0 It's a place where Hypothetical=
Situations become real. <br>Looking at the supplies we have, I'd say w=
e have enough supplies to make <br>it to land for eleven people and a Komod=
o dragon."<br><br>"But wait," said another guy. =C2=A0"= There are twelve of us and a Komodo dragon!"<br><br>The scientist nodd= ed. =C2=A0"I know.=C2=A0 Sadly, one of us is going to have to <br>get = off the raft."<br><br>"Wait!=C2=A0 This is insane!" disagree=
d another person. =C2=A0"Maybe you're wrong!"<br><br>"No=
, I'm afraid he isn't.=C2=A0 I'm a scientist too," another=
man said <br>pointing to his labcoat. =C2=A0"And my calculations are = exactly like his." <br>He showed everybody his calculator. =C2=A0"= ;One of us is going to have to get <br>off the raft."<br><br>"Wha=
t about the lizard?=C2=A0 He's not human!" =C2=A0Eggplant gazed at=
the man who <br>had spoke.=C2=A0 He just gazed and gazed.=C2=A0 Occasional=
ly his lizard tongue <br>would slither out.<br><br>Scientist #1 shook his h= ead. =C2=A0"It would be pointless.=C2=A0 Holiday Miracle <br>Pets don&= #39;t need to eat or drink.=C2=A0 The Power of Easter gives Eggplant all <b= r>his nourishment.=C2=A0 Besides, he'd most likely just kill anyone who=
tried <br>to push him off.=C2=A0 No.=C2=A0 It will have to be one of us.&q= uot;<br><br>"How about the Fat Guy then?=C2=A0 He's taking up too = much space!" shouted <br>someone else.<br><br>"No!=C2=A0 Please!= =C2=A0 I've got a glandular problem!=C2=A0 I can't help it!" c= ried <br>the Fat Guy.<br><br>"Stop this!" shouted an incredibly o=
ld man in a priest outfit.=C2=A0 He had a <br>bit of a German accent. =C2= =A0"This is madness!=C2=A0 What we're talking about! <br>We're=
talking about murdering someone!=C2=A0 Murder!=C2=A0 For the love of God! = <br>What we should be doing is praying to God!=C2=A0 Only God can save us! = <br>Deliver us from this!=C2=A0 We must pray!=C2=A0 All of us!"<br><br= >"Okay," said Scientist #1. =C2=A0"We can try that.=C2=A0 Ev= eryone, let's all pray <br>to God to teleport us to civilized land in t=
he next minute." =C2=A0And <br>everyone prayed.=C2=A0 Scientist #1 loo= ked at his watch.=C2=A0 The minute ran out <br>and nothing had happened. = =C2=A0"Well, that didn't work.=C2=A0 Okay, let's go back <br>t=
o figuring out who we're going to throw overboard.=C2=A0 Ideas people?&= quot;<br><br>"I can't believe you people!=C2=A0 God does not work = that way.=C2=A0 God is..."<br><br>"Look priest guy," said Sc= ientist #1. =C2=A0"We tried your whole pray to God <br>idea.=C2=A0 It = didn't work.=C2=A0 Let's move on."<br><br>"Well, I believ=
e it is traditional in situations like these to have <br>every man draw str= aws and..." Scientist #2 started to say.<br><br>"And women!=C2=A0=
You will not deny us a chance to participate in this straw <br>drawing!=C2= =A0 Not in the 21st Century!" said a women who was obviously a <br>fem= inist!<br><br>"Oh, nice work, Gloria Steinem!" said a women who o= bviously wasn't a <br>feminist in a sarcastic voice.<br><br>"Cuchi= -Cuchi!" said Charo.<br><br>"Hey.=C2=A0 I've got an idea.=C2=
=A0 Oh by the way, the name is Pister Maprika <br>(Used to be called Mr. Pa= prika, but had to change it because of this <br>legal battle -- long story = [See the Omaha Project - ed].) =C2=A0Anyway, I <br>happen to be a billionai=
re that has a ton of money.=C2=A0 Here's my idea.=C2=A0 I <br>give each=
one of you people a million -- oh what the hell -- two million <br>(except=
for the person who gets thrown overboard) and I secure my place <br>on thi=
s raft without having to draw a straw.=C2=A0 Oh and an extra million if <br= >you allow me to sleep with your wife (or husband as the case may be). <br>= Sound good?"<br><br>"Why you lousy coward!=C2=A0 I'll kill yo=
u and anyone who accepts your <br>offer!" said a very angry man who wa=
s obviously a socialist.<br><br>"Hey.=C2=A0 Whoah.=C2=A0 It was just a=
n idea." =C2=A0Pister Maprika held his hands up <br>innocently. =C2=A0= "Let's not get hysterical. =C2=A0'Kay?"<br><br>Will wishe=
d he had his notebook with him.=C2=A0 All of this was gold.=C2=A0 This <br>= was an amazing story that was happening here.=C2=A0 And he was in the middl=
e <br>of it.=C2=A0 Assuming he survived this, he could write his own ticket=
from <br>here on out.=C2=A0 Everyone would want to read this.=C2=A0 He'=
;d be...<br><br>He felt a tap on his shoulder. =C2=A0"Hey." =C2= =A0It was the person next to him. <br>"Assuming we survive this -- cou=
ld I get an interview with you.=C2=A0 I'm a <br>writer for the Net.York=
er -- and I'm doing this book on the Holiday <br>Miracle Pets and I wan= ted..."<br><br>"Hey Jake!=C2=A0 Thought I recognized you," s= aid the man on the other side of <br>Will. =C2=A0"It's me -- Mick!= =C2=A0 Rolling Stain Magazine!=C2=A0 Remember?=C2=A0 Hey, I'm <br>also = doing a Miracle Pet Book!=C2=A0 Small world, huh?"<br><br>"No, bo= ys!=C2=A0 There can only be one Miracle Pet Book!=C2=A0 The Charo Miracle <= br>Pet Book!" =C2=A0Charo shook her Maracas. =C2=A0"Cuchi-Cuchi!&= quot;<br><br>Oh, this was great.=C2=A0 Of course.=C2=A0 Everyone on this da=
mn raft was writing <br>a book about the Holiday Miracle Pets.=C2=A0 He sho= uld have known.=C2=A0 He should <br>just volunteer to throw himself overboa=
rd and get it over with.=C2=A0 But no, <br>he couldn't even do that muc= h.<br><br>But if it was him that they decided to throw overboard, he would = ask <br>Eggplant the question -- the question he was afraid to ask.=C2=A0 H= e'd do <br>that much before he died.<br><br>Scientist #1 turned his bac=
k to everyone and proceeded to mix the <br>straws.=C2=A0 After awhile he re= turned, his fist filled with straws.=C2=A0 Some <br>high.=C2=A0 Some low. = =C2=A0"We'll go around clockwise.=C2=A0 Each pick a straw.=C2=A0 T=
he <br>one who gets the short straw -- well you know." =C2=A0He looked=
at the water. <br>=C2=A0 "You'll have to get off the raft.=C2=A0 = Fat Guy.=C2=A0 You're first."<br><br>The Fat Guy hesitated.=C2=A0 = Sweat poured down his neck.=C2=A0 Finally, he grabbed <br>one of the closes=
t ones.=C2=A0 It was long. =C2=A0"Oh thank god!=C2=A0 Thank God!!"=
; he <br>said sighing with relief.<br><br>Scientist #2 was next.=C2=A0 He p= unched his calculator a few times and <br>studied the number.=C2=A0 He held=
his breath.=C2=A0 He picked one of the middle <br>straws.=C2=A0 It was lon= g.=C2=A0 He breathed again.<br><br>"Ok.=C2=A0 Priest.=C2=A0 You're=
up.=C2=A0 Pick a Straw.=C2=A0 Any straw." =C2=A0Scientist #1 held <br= >the straws near the Priest.<br><br>"No.=C2=A0 I refuse to do this.=C2= =A0 This is monstrous -- what we're doing here! <br>=C2=A0 People, thin=
k about this!=C2=A0 What we're doing here!=C2=A0 We can't do this! = <br>We can't kill another human!=C2=A0 It won't be worth it.=C2=A0 = This will haunt you <br>for the rest of your lives.=C2=A0 Please!=C2=A0 Jus=
t think about this!=C2=A0 That's all <br>I ask!=C2=A0 Think about this!= =C2=A0 We're human beings!=C2=A0 We're not animals! <br>We're b= etter than this!=C2=A0 God help us, we are.=C2=A0 Please!=C2=A0 Please,&quo=
t; pleaded <br>the Priest.<br><br>"We already decided, Priest.=C2=A0 I= t's one of us or all of us.=C2=A0 Pick a <br>straw.=C2=A0 Pick a straw.= "<br><br>"No.=C2=A0 I won't do it!=C2=A0 I won't!=C2=A0 I= ..." but before the Priest could finish <br>his sentence Eggplant the = Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon leaped from his <br>part of the raft and lunge=
d at the Priest.=C2=A0 Eggplants jaws grabbed <br>savagely at the Priest= 9;s throat.=C2=A0 Blood spurted all over the raft. <br>After a few minutes = Eggplant let go.=C2=A0 The Priest's head limped down.<br><br>"Oh g= od!=C2=A0 He killed that poor old man!=C2=A0 He killed him!" said Femi= nist <br>Woman as her hand covered her mouth.<br><br>"No, wait!=C2=A0 =
I know that face!=C2=A0 The Priest's face!" said Scientist #2 as <= br>he took a black marker out of one of his pockets.=C2=A0 Scientist #2 wen=
t <br>over to the dead Priest's head and using the marker gave the Prie=
st a <br>Hitler mustache. =C2=A0"Yes!=C2=A0 I was right!=C2=A0 It'=
s him!" =C2=A0He then took out a <br>photo from another pocket and sho= wed it to the people on the raft. <br>"This is a photo I have of what = Adolph Hitler might look like if he had <br>lived to be 119 years old.=C2=
=A0 See?=C2=A0 It's him!=C2=A0 Just without the mustache!"<br><br>= Feminist Woman looked at the photo. =C2=A0"Well, I'll be -- that i=
s Hitler. <br>Wow.=C2=A0 Eggplant killed Hitler.=C2=A0 He saved us from Hit= ler."<br><br>"That bastard Hitler -- he's finally dead!"=
said Angry Socialist Guy. <br>"Three cheers for Eggplant!=C2=A0 Hip-h=
ip hurray!=C2=A0 Hip-hip Hurray!=C2=A0 Hip-hip <br>Hurray!!"<br><br>An=
d everyone cheered for Eggplant.=C2=A0 Hitler had finally received justice = <br>for all of the horrible crimes he had committed.<br><br>"Wait!&quo=
t; Charo hollered. =C2=A0"We should destroy Hitler's brain.=C2=A0 =
So no one <br>can put it into a robot or super powered gorilla.=C2=A0 Cuchi= -Cuchi!"<br><br>"Good idea, Charo," said Scientist #1 who us=
ed his pocket knife to carve <br>into Hitler's skull so he could once a=
nd for all destroy Hitler's brain.<br><br>A week later, a plane spotted=
the raft and everyone was saved.=C2=A0 Except <br>for Hitler.=C2=A0 Who wa=
s dead.=C2=A0 Finally.=C2=A0 Dead!=C2=A0 And his brain destroyed. <br>Destr= oyed!<br><br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 OOooOO =C2=A0 OOooOO =C2=A0 OOooOO<br><br>And that's my story.<b= r><br>I did get a book deal and $50,000 advance.=C2=A0 Not much.=C2=A0 You&= #39;d think the <br>story of Hitler's last cruise would pay a lot more.= =C2=A0 But then I'm not <br>Charo who got a $20 million deal for her ve= rsion.=C2=A0 Oh well.=C2=A0 It will <br>help pay my credit card bills.<br><= br>Some people will call what happened a miracle.=C2=A0 If it was one, then=
it <br>was a bit too late.<br><br>I never got to ask Eggplant my question.= =C2=A0 Don't know if he would or <br>could have answered it.=C2=A0 Prob= ably not.<br><br>You want to know what my question was?=C2=A0 I had a daugh= ter.=C2=A0 Clara.=C2=A0 Clara <br>Winters.=C2=A0 My daughter had cancer.=C2= =A0 And she was at the same hospital that <br>Misty Summers was at.=C2=A0 T=
he Misty Summers who Cauliflower the Christmas <br>Miracle Pooch saved.=C2=
=A0 That one.=C2=A0 Why her?=C2=A0 Why not my daughter?=C2=A0 Why did <br>m=
y daughter have to...<br><br>That's my question.=C2=A0 And maybe it'=
;s a stupid human question.=C2=A0 A selfish <br>question.=C2=A0 Why?<br><br= >Who gives them the right?=C2=A0 The right to decide.=C2=A0 Which of us des= erve <br>miracles?<br><br>I guess getting a $20 million book deal wouldn= 9;t change much.=C2=A0 It <br>wouldn't answer that question.=C2=A0 It w= ouldn't make sense of everything.<br><br>I guess some people are lucky = and some aren't.=C2=A0 Some girls get to grow <br>up and some...<br><br=
I don't know if I'll ever get that book I'm writing finished.= =C2=A0 I don't know.<br><br>Getting rescued was like a flash of light.= =C2=A0 But the light's over.=C2=A0 I <br>don't know if there's = ever going to be another light.=C2=A0 Maybe the tunnel <br>will just keep g= etting darker and darker.<br><br>But hey.=C2=A0 Guess it could always be wo= rse.<br><br>I mean at least I'm not Adolph Hitler.<br><br>That would su= ck.<br><br>The End.<br><br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 OOooOO =C2=A0 OOooOO =C2=A0 OOooOO<br><br><br><br><br>= Credits:<br><br>Borscht, the Passover Miracle Wombat -- Rob Rogers<br>The r= est mine... (except Adolph Hitler and Charo)<br><br>Writer's notes:<br>= <br>Links to the rest of the series:<br><br><a href=3D"http://www.lnhq.info= /wiki/Eggplant_%28series%29">http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Eggplant_%28series%2= 9</a><br><br>That's it for Eggplant. =C2=A04 issues just like Cauliflow= er.<br><br>If you want to see more Miracle Pet stories, you'll probably=
have to <br>write them yourselves.<br><br>Arthur "Miracled Out" = Spitzer</div>
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