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And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive
once again.
Here's where you can find this and more Particle Man
Action!:
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/Particle.Man/
And it's Particle Man #1-2 by Jameel al Khafiz!
Is it time for someone to do whatever a
Particle Can?! Is it time for some more
They Might Be Giant song references?!
And is it finally time for Kid Kirby to wear --
A TUXEDO?!!!!!!
Find out in...
_
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
||
|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #410
=====================
Particle Man #1-2
=====================
Particle Man #1
Particle Man, Particle Man, doin' the things a particle can...
In the center of the empty Peril Room stood a young man in his late
teens. His skintight costume showed off his less-than-impressive
physique, and displayed a dot with a circle around it as the obligatory
chest symbol. Though trying to exude cool, he looked somewhat nervous.
"You ready, kid?" Master Blaster asked over the intercom as he sat
in the control booth. Master Blaster had been assigned to the operation
of the Peril Room due to his having logged more hours than the rest of
the LNH combined, except for Occultism Kid, who already had an official
post.
"I was born ready, man!" Particle Man replied, his brave words
containing a slight quiver.
"Way to be, kid. Countdown: Check, baby, check, baby 1 2 3 4,
check, baby, check, baby 1 2 3. Check, baby, check, baby 1 2. Check,
baby, check, baby 1!"
With that, a panel opened opposite Particle Man, and from it strode
an e-friggin-normous robot bristling with guns.
"Your goal is to survive!" Master Blaster informed the trainee.
"No problem!" Particle Man replied as he produced, from a belt
pouch, a piece of string and a rock to wind the string around. As he
wound the string around the rock, he began dodging back and forth
erratically, denying the combat robot the opportunity to lock onto him.
Then, with good accuracy, he grasped one end of the string and flung the
rock at the robot's eyes, shattering one of them. Almost instantly, the exposed sensors were covered by extremely hard shielding.
"That won't work again!" Master Blaster warned. "By the way, do you
want to come to my party later?"
"Sure!" Particle Man answered as he narrowly dodged underneath a
titanic fist. I'm gonna need some help with this one, for sure, he
thought. I'd better call the bird. At that moment, a blue canary flew
out of the outlet by the light switch in Particle Man's room. Passing
through walls as though they were non-existent, the small bird flew to
Particle Man's side.
"What's wrong?" Blue Canary asked.
"That giant robot's about to pound me, that's what's wrong!"
"Your Heisenberg's Uncertainty. Make it macroscopic."
"That's what I've been doing, but you know that I can only keep it
up for a few minutes. It's already collapsed!"
"Use the sapphire bullets."
"No way! Couldn't you enter it's electrical system and take control
of it?"
"Now, now. You know that I won't fight on your behalf. I'm only
here to advise and suggest alternatives. However, if you don't do
something rather quickly, that big brute's going to blast you into that
wall."
Particle Man sighed. The amount of energy and matter flying through
the Peril Room was staggering, and it was only a matter of time before
he got hit.
"Damn," Particle Man cursed as he pulled a revolver from his belt.
"I wish that I could think of something else." He winced as the gun
fired a small, blue object at the robot. The sapphire bullet pierced
the robot's armor as if it weren't there, and the robot stopped firing
at Particle Man, who stood and breathed heavily.
"Programming demands that this unit destroy target," the robot
droned. "However, this unit loves target." Particle Man began to sweat
even more as the various guns began glowing again. "This unit can not
destroy that which it loves. This unit can not alter programming. This
unit must terminate." Particle Man took a step back as he tried to
think of something, anything that he could do. It'd take a crane to
stop that thing! he thought. Then, to the surprise of everyong
involved, the robot self-destructed.
"Thank goodness!" Particle Man exclaimed. "I would've hated to have
that thing in love with me!"
"What did you do?" Master Blaster asked as he rushed into the room.
"I hit it with a sapphire bullet of love," Particle Man answered.
Master Blaster's eyes lit up for an instant.
"According to the readings up there in the booth, the robot couldn't
find you precisely for a little while."
"Oh, that my uncertainty. Things can't know both my speed and my
position exactly. Everything has it, but I can boost mine so that I
have the proportional uncertainty of a particle."
"And the bird?"
"Oh, that's Blue Canary. He lives in the outlet by the light switch
and watches over me. You can go back now, Blue." Blue Canary flew back
to his home as Master Blaster and Particle Man continued their
discussion on the way to the cafeteria.
"Man, that Panta's a complete babe!" Particle Man said.
"Definitely, kid," Master Blaster agreed. "Some of the other's
aren't too bad, either. Unfortunately, they seem to be pairing off at a depressing rate."
"But a mack-daddy like you shouldn't have any problems."
This kid's all right, Master Blaster thought. "Yeah, well, you know
how it goes. Anyway, I figure I'll play the field. Don't wanna slap on
the old ball and chain, right?" Particle Man's face took on a pained
look. "Hey, what's wrong, kid?"
"I used to call my girlfriend my 'Lucky Ball and Chain'. She left
me four years ago, 'cause she was sick off me and all my rattling on.
That was about the same time that I got my powers."
"How'd you get your powers, anyway?"
"I got hit on the head with a frying pan."
"You're kidding!"
"No, I'm not, actually. Get ready, 'cause I feel an origin story
coming on..."
Particle Man #2
"You were really hit on the head with a frying pan?" Master Blaster
asked Particle Man as they exited the Peril Room on their way to the
cafeteria.
"Yeah. Weird, huh? Let me get some food in me, and I'll tell you
what sculpted me into the oh-so-virile net.hero you see before you."
They entered the nearly empty cafeteria. As Master Blaster popped
two dinners into the microwave, he could hear Kid Kirby and Sing-Along
Lass talking about ties or dresses or somesuch. His eyes lingered on Sing-Along Lass for slightly longer than a moment, then he pulled the
dinners from the microwave, drew two slushies from the machine, and
returned to the table. He slid a dinner to Particle Man, then opened
his own.
"So, what's up with Kid Kirby and Sing-Along Lass?" Particle Man
asked around a mouthfull of salisbury steak.
"You know," Master Blaster began, "I don't even know if Kid Kirby
has normal emotions anymore. He's so...cosmic. Anyway, I heard that
Kid Kirby gave some of the 'Power Kirby' to Sing-Along Lass to save her
life, so now she's his herald. But they're just friends. Why?"
"Oh, no reason. I'm more interested in that Panta anyway. My oh my!"
"Definitely," Master Blaster agreed. He took a long pull on his
slushie. "But aren't we here to talk about your origin."
"Oh, right," Particle Man said as he pushed aside the remainder of
his dinner. He washed it down with his Blue Raspberry slushie and
began...
"Hey, Person Man, how's life in the Garbage Can?" the young thug
shouted out, eliciting laughter from the other students in the high
school hallway.
"Just ignore them, Person," the pretty high school girl said to
fourteen year old Person Man.
"I always do, Lucky," he answered. "But it's annoying as hell.
They talk about me because of my name, and because I grew up in the
'Garbage Can'," he continued, referring to the dirty, poor section of
town in which the orphanage was.
"They're just jealous because you're already reading college-level
books while they can barely spell their names," she responded. Person
laughed.
"You always know how to cheer me up! See you after school?"
"Of course!" she laughed. She kissed him, then strolled down the
hall with her girlfriends. Person stood there happily for a few seconds
before he was slammed into a locker by a hand that seemed to belong on a twenty-five year old bodybuilder.
"Is there something I can do for you?" he asked as he tried to
wriggle free of the senior's grasp and look cool at the same time.
"I heard you were talkin' about my mom!" the big youth spat as his
friends laughed. Person realized that Jim was just looking for an
excuse to fight him, and that there was no use trying to get out of it,
but he was tired of losing all those fights.
"When and where?" he sighed. No matter how much he disliked getting
his butt kicked, he wasn't going to back down.
"Behind the school. After eighth period, punk!" He dropped person
to the floor and laughed. Person's face twisted in rage as the other
and the other's friends strutted away down the hall.
"I'll be there, all right," he vowed. "And, then, this ends. Once
and for all!"
"Wait a minute," Master Blaster interrupted. "You really said all
that 'once and for all' stuff?"
"What can I say? I was a dramatic kid. Now, can I finish?"
"Feel free."
"Thanks. Now, to continue..."
"Where are you, Person Man?" Jim taunted as he and his friends
waited behind the school for Person. "I guess that I'd hide, too, if I
had a stupid name like that!" He and his friends laughed for a few
seconds before a loud crack interupted their joke. Jim collapsed to the
ground in a heap, and his friends stood and stared at Person Man, who
dropped his now-broken wooden plank amidst the clutter and litter of the
alley.
"Now," he asked, a wicked gleam in his eye, "who wants some?"
"We was just gonna beat you up some," one of the five cronies spat
as he flicked his switchblade open. "Now, I see we're gonna have to
kill you!"
"Aw, hell!" Person muttered. This wasn't going nearly as smoothly
as he'd planned.
The time was once again nigh. Universe Man, Size-Of-The-Entire-Universe Man glanced at his watch as he had done since time immemorial. The minute
hand swept leisurely toward the millenium hand and the eon hand. Soon, it would be time, and he would bestow a kindness upon one of the smaller men.
Now! Now the hands had met in the vicinity of one of the myriad newsgroups that made up Universe Man. And, for the brief period of the convergence of
the minute, millenium, and eon hands of Universe Man's watch, it would be a happy land.
"I'm gonna cut you, man!" another of the toughs declared.
"What's that whistling sound?" Person asked, looking up.
"I'm not-" Person would have said "kidding". However, he was
interrupted by the frying pan that smashed into his head at orbital
velocity. The shock send his assailants flying unconscious through the
air. Person lay at the bottom of the resultant crater, groggy, but
conscious, with a blue canary sitting on his chest.
"Hello," the bird said.
"Wha-?"
"I said, 'hello'."
"Yeah, I caught that. Who, or what, are you?"
"My name is Blue Canary. I'll be living in the outlet by the
lightswitch and watching over you. Soon, you'll have to build a little birdhouse in your soul. That way, I'll be able to watch over you a
little more efficiently."
"Wha-?"
"I believe that we've already done that part."
"You what?!" Lucky Ball and Chain asked frantically.
"I got hit in the head with a frying pan and-"
"I heard that! It's just that..."
"I know how hard this is for you. Lord knows that it's hard for me.
But, together-"
"You can't expect me to stay with you after this!"
"But-"
"No! You're some kind of freak now! I don't even know if you're
human anymore!" With that final outburst, Lucky ran away from Person,
tears streaming from her eyes.
"I found out a few things afterwards," Particle Man said as he
finished his dinner. "Lucky's father'd been killed by a meteor before
I'd met her, and I think that she resented me for getting hit by that
frying pan and living. Second, her mother and her stepfather had
decided to send her off to a boarding school, and I think that it was
because she was seeing me. None of her four sisters got sent away like
that." Particle Man absently wiped a tear from his eye.
"Man, that's rough," Master Blaster sympathized.
"Why? Why did they send her over anyone else?" Person asked Blue
Canary, who sat impassively on Person's shoulder. "How should I react?
These things happen to other people! They don't happen at all, in fact!"
"Well," Blue Canary began, "as I see it, you have a few choices in
the matter. You can let your anguish shatter your spirit; you can lash
out vengefully at an unfeeling world, or you can use your new They Might
Be Giants powers to protect the world from those who would use their
powers to harm innocent bystanders. There are others with powers, you
know, and not all of them are good people like you."
"And Blue Canary was right. Somehow, that jerk Jim and his gang got powered up at the same time I did. They resurfaced two years ago as
Rabid Child and the Pencil Rain, but I was able to toss 'em into jail
where they belong. Unfortunately, since we were all minors at the time,
their lawyers are arguing that putting them in the adult Superhuman
Prison violated their rights. I hope to hell that they don't get out."
"You're sounding a little too serious, man," Master Blaster declared suddenly. "C'mon, I'll let you help pick out the music for the party.
And talk about women! You haven't seen women until you see the special
guests I invited."
"Master Blaster, looking forward to your party is enough to get my
mind off of the past and into the future. But can you teach me how to
do mack daddy vibes...?"
Across the cafeteria, Kid Kirby exclaimed "I shall wear no tuxedo!
Only the 'Kirby Armor' conveys a proper sense of the cosmic!"
"Everyone's going to be in formal wear," Sing-Along Lass reminded
the Cosmic One.
"Wear what you will, my herald, but I, Kid Kirby, wielder of the
'Power Kirby', shall wear his armor to the party! I shall, however,
wear a black tie to placate the net.heroes' sense of ettiquite!"
Sing-Along Lass sighed resignedly. After this, she wasn't about the mention the top hat and cane.
==========
Next Week: Taking an Easter Break! See you in Two!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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<div dir=3D"ltr">And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie arc= hive <br>once again.<br><br><br>Here's where you can find this and more=
Particle Man<br>Action!:<br><br><a href=3D"
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc= /lnh/Series/Particle.Man/">
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/Parti= cle.Man/</a><br><br><br>And it's Particle Man #1-2 by Jameel al Khafiz!= <br><br>Is it time for someone to do whatever a<br>Particle Can?!=C2=A0 Is =
it time for some more<br>They Might Be Giant song references?!<br>And is it=
finally time for Kid Kirby to wear --<br>A TUXEDO?!!!!!!<br><br>Find out i= n...<br><br><br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 _ =
<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0| | =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0Classic <br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0| | =C2=A0=
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0=3D<b= r>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0| | =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0_= ___ =C2=A0 =C2=A0____ =C2=A0 =C2=A0_ =C2=A0 =C2=A0____ =C2=A0 =C2=A0___<br>= =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0| |__ =C2=A0 | [] | =C2=A0|=
[] | =C2=A0| | =C2=A0| [] | =C2=A0| _ \ =C2=A0<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0=
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0|____| =C2=A0 \__] =C2=A0 =C2=A0\__ | =C2=A0|_|=
=C2=A0 \__/ =C2=A0 |_|\_\<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2= =A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0||= <br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 |_| =C2=A0OF NET.HEROES<br><br>= =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 ADVENTURES #410<br><br= ><br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2= =A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2= =A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0Particle Man #1-2<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2= =A0=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D<br><br><= br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br>Particle Man #1<br>Particle Man, Particle Ma=
n, doin' the things a particle can...<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 In the cente=
r of the empty Peril Room stood a young man in his late<br>teens.=C2=A0 His=
skintight costume showed off his less-than-impressive<br>physique, and dis= played a dot with a circle around it as the obligatory<br>chest symbol.=C2=
=A0 Though trying to exude cool, he looked somewhat nervous.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 "You ready, kid?" Master Blaster asked over the intercom as h=
e sat<br>in the control booth.=C2=A0 Master Blaster had been assigned to th=
e operation<br>of the Peril Room due to his having logged more hours than t=
he rest of<br>the LNH combined, except for Occultism Kid, who already had a=
n official<br>post.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "I was born ready, man!" Par= ticle Man replied, his brave words<br>containing a slight quiver.<br>=C2=A0=
=C2=A0 "Way to be, kid.=C2=A0 Countdown: =C2=A0Check, baby, check, ba=
by 1 2 3 4,<br>check, baby, check, baby 1 2 3.=C2=A0 Check, baby, check, ba=
by 1 2.=C2=A0 Check,<br>baby, check, baby 1!"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 With th= at, a panel opened opposite Particle Man, and from it strode<br>an e-friggi= n-normous robot bristling with guns.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Your goal is to=
survive!" Master Blaster informed the trainee.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "= ;No problem!" Particle Man replied as he produced, from a belt<br>pouc=
h, a piece of string and a rock to wind the string around.=C2=A0 As he<br>w= ound the string around the rock, he began dodging back and forth<br>erratic= ally, denying the combat robot the opportunity to lock onto him. <br>Then, = with good accuracy, he grasped one end of the string and flung the<br>rock =
at the robot's eyes, shattering one of them.=C2=A0 Almost instantly, th= e<br>exposed sensors were covered by extremely hard shielding.<br>=C2=A0 = =C2=A0 "That won't work again!" Master Blaster warned. =C2=A0= "By the way, do you<br>want to come to my party later?"<br>=C2=A0=
=C2=A0 "Sure!" Particle Man answered as he narrowly dodged under= neath a<br>titanic fist.=C2=A0 I'm gonna need some help with this one, = for sure, he<br>thought.=C2=A0 I'd better call the bird.=C2=A0 At that = moment, a blue canary flew<br>out of the outlet by the light switch in Part= icle Man's room.=C2=A0 Passing<br>through walls as though they were non= -existent, the small bird flew to<br>Particle Man's side.<br>=C2=A0 =C2= =A0 "What's wrong?" Blue Canary asked.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "= ;That giant robot's about to pound me, that's what's wrong!&quo= t;<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Your Heisenberg's Uncertainty.=C2=A0 Make it = macroscopic."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "That's what I've been doi= ng, but you know that I can only keep it<br>up for a few minutes.=C2=A0 It&= #39;s already collapsed!"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Use the sapphire bull= ets."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "No way!=C2=A0 Couldn't you enter it&#= 39;s electrical system and take control<br>of it?"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 &q= uot;Now, now.=C2=A0 You know that I won't fight on your behalf.=C2=A0 I= 'm only<br>here to advise and suggest alternatives.=C2=A0 However, if y=
ou don't do<br>something rather quickly, that big brute's going to = blast you into that<br>wall."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 Particle Man sighed.=C2= =A0 The amount of energy and matter flying through<br>the Peril Room was st= aggering, and it was only a matter of time before<br>he got hit.<br>=C2=A0 = =C2=A0 "Damn," Particle Man cursed as he pulled a revolver from h=
is belt. <br>"I wish that I could think of something else." =C2= =A0He winced as the gun<br>fired a small, blue object at the robot.=C2=A0 T=
he sapphire bullet pierced<br>the robot's armor as if it weren't th= ere, and the robot stopped firing<br>at Particle Man, who stood and breathe=
d heavily.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Programming demands that this unit destro=
y target," the robot<br>droned. =C2=A0"However, this unit loves t= arget." =C2=A0Particle Man began to sweat<br>even more as the various = guns began glowing again. =C2=A0"This unit can not<br>destroy that whi=
ch it loves.=C2=A0 This unit can not alter programming.=C2=A0 This<br>unit = must terminate." =C2=A0Particle Man took a step back as he tried to<br= >think of something, anything that he could do.=C2=A0 It'd take a crane=
to<br>stop that thing! he thought.=C2=A0 Then, to the surprise of everyong= <br>involved, the robot self-destructed.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Thank goodn= ess!" Particle Man exclaimed. =C2=A0"I would've hated to have= <br>that thing in love with me!"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "What did you d= o?" Master Blaster asked as he rushed into the room.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 = "I hit it with a sapphire bullet of love," Particle Man answered.=
<br>Master Blaster's eyes lit up for an instant.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 &quo= t;According to the readings up there in the booth, the robot couldn't<b= r>find you precisely for a little while."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Oh, t= hat my uncertainty.=C2=A0 Things can't know both my speed and my<br>pos= ition exactly.=C2=A0 Everything has it, but I can boost mine so that I<br>h= ave the proportional uncertainty of a particle."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 &quo= t;And the bird?"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Oh, that's Blue Canary.=C2= =A0 He lives in the outlet by the light switch<br>and watches over me.=C2=
=A0 You can go back now, Blue." =C2=A0Blue Canary flew back<br>to his = home as Master Blaster and Particle Man continued their<br>discussion on th=
e way to the cafeteria.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Man, that Panta's a comp= lete babe!" Particle Man said.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Definitely, kid,= " Master Blaster agreed. =C2=A0"Some of the other's<br>aren&#= 39;t too bad, either.=C2=A0 Unfortunately, they seem to be pairing off at a= <br>depressing rate."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "But a mack-daddy like you=
shouldn't have any problems."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 This kid's all=
right, Master Blaster thought. =C2=A0"Yeah, well, you know<br>how it = goes.=C2=A0 Anyway, I figure I'll play the field.=C2=A0 Don't wanna=
slap on<br>the old ball and chain, right?" =C2=A0Particle Man's f= ace took on a pained<br>look. =C2=A0"Hey, what's wrong, kid?"= <br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "I used to call my girlfriend my 'Lucky Ball and=
Chain'.=C2=A0 She left<br>me four years ago, 'cause she was sick o=
ff me and all my rattling on. <br>That was about the same time that I got m=
y powers."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "How'd you get your powers, anywa= y?"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "I got hit on the head with a frying pan.&qu= ot;<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "You're kidding!"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "= ;No, I'm not, actually.=C2=A0 Get ready, 'cause I feel an origin st= ory<br>coming on..."<br><br><br>Particle Man #2<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 &= quot;You were really hit on the head with a frying pan?" Master Blaste= r<br>asked Particle Man as they exited the Peril Room on their way to the<b= r>cafeteria.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Yeah.=C2=A0 Weird, huh?=C2=A0 Let me ge=
t some food in me, and I'll tell you<br>what sculpted me into the oh-so= -virile net.hero you see before you."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 They entered th=
e nearly empty cafeteria.=C2=A0 As Master Blaster popped<br>two dinners int=
o the microwave, he could hear Kid Kirby and Sing-Along<br>Lass talking abo=
ut ties or dresses or somesuch.=C2=A0 His eyes lingered on<br>Sing-Along La=
ss for slightly longer than a moment, then he pulled the<br>dinners from th=
e microwave, drew two slushies from the machine, and<br>returned to the tab= le.=C2=A0 He slid a dinner to Particle Man, then opened<br>his own.<br>=C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 "So, what's up with Kid Kirby and Sing-Along Lass?"=
; Particle Man<br>asked around a mouthfull of salisbury steak.<br>=C2=A0 = =C2=A0 "You know," Master Blaster began, "I don't even k= now if Kid Kirby<br>has normal emotions anymore.=C2=A0 He's so...cosmic= .=C2=A0 Anyway, I heard that<br>Kid Kirby gave some of the 'Power Kirby= ' to Sing-Along Lass to save her<br>life, so now she's his herald. = =C2=A0 But they're just friends.=C2=A0 Why?"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 &quo= t;Oh, no reason.=C2=A0 I'm more interested in that Panta anyway.=C2=A0 =
My oh my!"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Definitely," Master Blaster agr= eed.=C2=A0 He took a long pull on his<br>slushie. =C2=A0"But aren'=
t we here to talk about your origin."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Oh, right= ," Particle Man said as he pushed aside the remainder of<br>his dinner= .=C2=A0 He washed it down with his Blue Raspberry slushie and<br>began...<b= r><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Hey, Person Man, how's life in the Garbage Ca= n?" the young thug<br>shouted out, eliciting laughter from the other s= tudents in the high<br>school hallway.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Just ignore t= hem, Person," the pretty high school girl said to<br>fourteen year old=
Person Man.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "I always do, Lucky," he answered. = =C2=A0"But it's annoying as hell. <br>They talk about me because o=
f my name, and because I grew up in the<br>'Garbage Can'," he = continued, referring to the dirty, poor section of<br>town in which the orp= hanage was.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "They're just jealous because you'= ;re already reading college-level<br>books while they can barely spell thei=
r names," she responded.=C2=A0 Person<br>laughed.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 &qu= ot;You always know how to cheer me up!=C2=A0 See you after school?"<br= >=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Of course!" she laughed.=C2=A0 She kissed him, th=
en strolled down the<br>hall with her girlfriends.=C2=A0 Person stood there=
happily for a few seconds<br>before he was slammed into a locker by a hand=
that seemed to belong on a<br>twenty-five year old bodybuilder.<br>=C2=A0 = =C2=A0 "Is there something I can do for you?" he asked as he trie=
d to<br>wriggle free of the senior's grasp and look cool at the same ti= me.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "I heard you were talkin' about my mom!"=
the big youth spat as his<br>friends laughed.=C2=A0 Person realized that J=
im was just looking for an<br>excuse to fight him, and that there was no us=
e trying to get out of it,<br>but he was tired of losing all those fights.<= br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "When and where?" he sighed.=C2=A0 No matter how=
much he disliked getting<br>his butt kicked, he wasn't going to back d= own.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Behind the school.=C2=A0 After eighth period, p= unk!" =C2=A0He dropped person<br>to the floor and laughed.=C2=A0 Perso= n's face twisted in rage as the other<br>and the other's friends st= rutted away down the hall.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "I'll be there, all ri= ght," he vowed. =C2=A0"And, then, this ends.=C2=A0 Once<br>and fo=
r all!"<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Wait a minute," Master Blaster=
interrupted. =C2=A0"You really said all<br>that 'once and for all= ' stuff?"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "What can I say?=C2=A0 I was a dra= matic kid.=C2=A0 Now, can I finish?"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Feel free.= "<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Thanks.=C2=A0 Now, to continue..."<br><b= r>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Where are you, Person Man?" Jim taunted as he an=
d his friends<br>waited behind the school for Person. =C2=A0"I guess t= hat I'd hide, too, if I<br>had a stupid name like that!" =C2=A0He = and his friends laughed for a few<br>seconds before a loud crack interupted=
their joke.=C2=A0 Jim collapsed to the<br>ground in a heap, and his friend=
s stood and stared at Person Man, who<br>dropped his now-broken wooden plan=
k amidst the clutter and litter of the<br>alley.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Now= ," he asked, a wicked gleam in his eye, "who wants some?"<br= >=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "We was just gonna beat you up some," one of the f= ive cronies spat<br>as he flicked his switchblade open. =C2=A0"Now, I = see we're gonna have to<br>kill you!"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Aw, h= ell!" Person muttered.=C2=A0 This wasn't going nearly as smoothly<= br>as he'd planned.<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 The time was once again nigh.= =C2=A0 Universe Man, Size-Of-The-Entire-Universe<br>Man glanced at his watc=
h as he had done since time immemorial.=C2=A0 The minute<br>hand swept leis= urely toward the millenium hand and the eon hand.=C2=A0 Soon, it<br>would b=
e time, and he would bestow a kindness upon one of the smaller men.<br>Now!= =C2=A0 Now the hands had met in the vicinity of one of the myriad newsgroup= s<br>that made up Universe Man.=C2=A0 And, for the brief period of the conv= ergence of<br>the minute, millenium, and eon hands of Universe Man's wa= tch, it would be a<br>happy land.<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "I'm gonna = cut you, man!" another of the toughs declared.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "= What's that whistling sound?" Person asked, looking up.<br>=C2=A0 = =C2=A0 "I'm not-" =C2=A0Person would have said "kidding&= quot;.=C2=A0 However, he was<br>interrupted by the frying pan that smashed = into his head at orbital<br>velocity.=C2=A0 The shock send his assailants f= lying unconscious through the<br>air.=C2=A0 Person lay at the bottom of the=
resultant crater, groggy, but<br>conscious, with a blue canary sitting on = his chest.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Hello," the bird said.<br>=C2=A0 =C2= =A0 "Wha-?"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "I said, 'hello'."= <br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Yeah, I caught that.=C2=A0 Who, or what, are you?&q= uot;<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "My name is Blue Canary.=C2=A0 I'll be livin=
g in the outlet by the<br>lightswitch and watching over you.=C2=A0 Soon, yo= u'll have to build a little<br>birdhouse in your soul.=C2=A0 That way, = I'll be able to watch over you a<br>little more efficiently."<br>= =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Wha-?"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "I believe that we= 9;ve already done that part."<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "You what?!&qu= ot; Lucky Ball and Chain asked frantically.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "I got hi=
t in the head with a frying pan and-"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "I heard t= hat!=C2=A0 It's just that..."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "I know how ha=
rd this is for you.=C2=A0 Lord knows that it's hard for me.<br>=C2=A0Bu=
t, together-"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "You can't expect me to stay w= ith you after this!"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "But-"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 "No!=C2=A0 You're some kind of freak now!=C2=A0 I don't ev=
en know if you're<br>human anymore!" =C2=A0With that final outburs=
t, Lucky ran away from Person,<br>tears streaming from her eyes.<br><br>=C2= =A0 =C2=A0 "I found out a few things afterwards," Particle Man sa=
id as he<br>finished his dinner. =C2=A0"Lucky's father'd been = killed by a meteor before<br>I'd met her, and I think that she resented=
me for getting hit by that<br>frying pan and living.=C2=A0 Second, her mot= her and her stepfather had<br>decided to send her off to a boarding school,=
and I think that it was<br>because she was seeing me.=C2=A0 None of her fo=
ur sisters got sent away like<br>that." =C2=A0Particle Man absently wi= ped a tear from his eye.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Man, that's rough,"=
; Master Blaster sympathized.<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Why?=C2=A0 Why did=
they send her over anyone else?" Person asked Blue<br>Canary, who sat=
impassively on Person's shoulder. =C2=A0"How should I react? <br>= These things happen to other people!=C2=A0 They don't happen at all, in=
fact!"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Well," Blue Canary began, "as=
I see it, you have a few choices in<br>the matter.=C2=A0 You can let your = anguish shatter your spirit; you can lash<br>out vengefully at an unfeeling=
world, or you can use your new They Might<br>Be Giants powers to protect t=
he world from those who would use their<br>powers to harm innocent bystande= rs.=C2=A0 There are others with powers, you<br>know, and not all of them ar=
e good people like you."<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "And Blue Canary wa=
s right.=C2=A0 Somehow, that jerk Jim and his gang got<br>powered up at the=
same time I did.=C2=A0 They resurfaced two years ago as<br>Rabid Child and=
the Pencil Rain, but I was able to toss 'em into jail<br>where they be= long.=C2=A0 Unfortunately, since we were all minors at the time,<br>their l= awyers are arguing that putting them in the adult Superhuman<br>Prison viol= ated their rights.=C2=A0 I hope to hell that they don't get out."<= br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "You're sounding a little too serious, man,"=
Master Blaster declared<br>suddenly. =C2=A0"C'mon, I'll let y=
ou help pick out the music for the party. <br>And talk about women!=C2=A0 Y=
ou haven't seen women until you see the special<br>guests I invited.&qu= ot;<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Master Blaster, looking forward to your party is=
enough to get my<br>mind off of the past and into the future.=C2=A0 But ca=
n you teach me how to<br>do mack daddy vibes...?"<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0=
Across the cafeteria, Kid Kirby exclaimed "I shall wear no tuxedo! <b= r>Only the 'Kirby Armor' conveys a proper sense of the cosmic!"= ;<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Everyone's going to be in formal wear," S= ing-Along Lass reminded<br>the Cosmic One.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Wear what=
you will, my herald, but I, Kid Kirby, wielder of the<br>'Power Kirby&= #39;, shall wear his armor to the party!=C2=A0 I shall, however,<br>wear a = black tie to placate the net.heroes' sense of ettiquite!"<br>=C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 Sing-Along Lass sighed resignedly.=C2=A0 After this, she wasn= 9;t about the<br>mention the top hat and cane.<br><br><br><br>=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D<br><br>Next Week: =C2=A0Taking an Easter Break!=C2=A0 Se=
e you in Two!<br><br>=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D<br><br>Arthur "Sam=
e Classic Channel.=C2=A0 But Same Time?=C2=A0 Probably not." Spitzer <= /div>
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