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And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive
once again.
Here's where you can find this and more LetterinG MaN
Action!:
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/LetterinG.MaN/
And it's LetterinG MaN #6 by Charles FitzGerald!
Is it time for the vending machines to chant "Re-Caffeinate!"
in unison?! Is it time for Cheesecake Eater Lad and Parking
Karma Kid to worry about Hamster Man stealing all of the
LNH Women?!! And will Occultism Kid finally learn what
all the brown stuff on the walls is?!!!
Find out in...
_
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
||
|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #401
=====================
LetterinG MaN #6
=====================
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*E May93* !************* ! ! !* !** !* ! ! !**************
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* No. 6 * !********** !* !* !* !* !* !***************
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<A little square below the left hand corner insignia thing has written
in it, "Now appearing TWICE a month!">
<Special GIF cover not available on reprint issue.>
*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************
<At the top of the page is written "A New Outlook" in bold, happy
letters. On the top, right hand corner is a box which has written in
it:
BERT NICEGUY: PLOTTER/EDITOR
Lim Jee and Fromage Studios: Fabulous Artwork
with contributions by Ihave Blackface, Roy G. Biv, and Charles
FitzGerald.
<In the center, a large, boxlike character stands menacingly, bright
light issuing from its brightly colored face and bearing the emblem "Koksi-Kola" running up its left side. Behind it, five, slightly
smaller but otherwise nearly identical figures stand behind the larger
model.
<aLLiterative Lass, New Look Lass, and a large, handsome blonde guy
called Cut-Out Man stand in the foreground. aLLiterative Lass and New
Look Lass are dressed in formal gowns; Cut-Out Man wears black tie and
a dinner jacket. On his head, there is a pith helmet.>
"Re-Caffeinate! Re-Caffeinate!" the vending machines chanted together.
*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************
<The lead vending machine extrudes a soft-drink bottle out of its
dispensing slot. aLLiterative Lass prepares herself for battle by
creating a strange glow about her right fist. New Look Lass starts
backward, a little frightened.>
--Vizzzzzzzz--
"Who are these things?" New Look Lass asked no one in particular.
<From the soft-drink bottle, a stream of brown liquid flies, hitting
Cut-Out Man squarely in the chest. Cut-Out Man falls over backwards,
becoming two-dimensional as he falls.>
--Phisssssssssssss--
--flap--
<New Look Lass crouches beside Cut-Out Man. aLLiterative Lass springs
at the leader, striking with her glowing fist.>
"Oh, no!" New Look Lass cried. "Look what they did to Cut-Out Man!"
"Taste the Totality of Coordinated Consonants!" aLLiterative Lass
said, with a vengeance.
<A strange, pinkish light engulfs the target of aLLiterative Lass's
blow and herself. aLLiterative Lass's face contorts to one of strange
pain.>
--tzsl-kr-gbxpf--
<aLLiterative Lass falls to the ground in a heap. The vending
machines roll forward.>
"Re-Caffeinate! Re-Caffeinate!" the vending machines chanted as they
passed the unconscious form of aLLiterative Lass.
<New Look Lass starts to run frantically down the hall; the vending
machines roll after her, firing their soda-guns as they roll.>
--Phissssss--
--Phissssss--
--Phissssss--
"You will be Re-Caffeinated" the leader said.
---
<Cheesecake-Eater Lad is sitting in the front of a flight.thingy.
Parking Karma Kid is seated next to him. Cheesecake-Eater Lad is
looking very excited and anxious; his friend seems despondent and
sullen.>
"Can't you fly any faster, PK," Cheesecake-Eater Lad asked,
impatiently.
"Oh, I suppose I could," Parking Karma Kid replied, curtly, "but I
really don't see as it makes any difference."
<Cheesecake-Eater Lad looks at his friend with a look of keen
interest.>
"What's wrong, PK," C-E Lad asked. "We're finally off that island,
I've slimmed down a little, and we proved to Ultimate Ninja that we
could take care of ourselves.* What could possibly be wrong?"
[*See "Jungle Cheesecake" in Ultimate Ninja #6-#9 for the complete story--Bert.]
<Parking Karma Kid looks at his friend crossly.>
"What's wrong!" PK Kid replied with vehemence. "I suppose you haven't
noticed how Bandwagon Chick has been hanging all over that Guinea Pig
Guy ever since we left that stupid island."
<Cheesecake-Eater Lad looks slightly puzzled by this.>
"You mean Hamster Man?" Cheesecake-Eater Lad asked for clarification.
"No, I mean Harrison Ford!" Parking Karma Kid replied in a voice
dripping with sarcasm. "Who'd you think I meant!"
<Cheesecake-Eater Lad looks at Parking Karma Kid with slight
reproach.>
"Now, PK," Cheesecake-Eater Lad started, "you know we're all one big
happy family here in the LNH. You're just going to have to learn to
live with this as befitting a hero."
"Oh, sure," PK Kid responded coldly, "how would you like it if you got
back and aLLiterative Lass was going out with someone else, huh?"
<Cheesecake-Eater Lad looks down at his belly which has been reduced
in size somewhat since he last was seen in the Legion's Headquarters,
but which is still rather wider than the comic book norm.>
"He's right," C-E Lad said to himself. "I've been gone on awful long
while, and I haven't talked to her for a couple issues before that.
What if she is seeing someone else?"
<Cheesecake-Eater Lad returns to out the window in front of them. His
face is a little more pale, and his face is no longer anxious.>
"You know PK," Cheesecake-Eater Lad said to his friend, "maybe it
would be better to fly a little slower. I'm not sure I want to get
back there all that fast after all."
*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************
<Page o' ads.>
---
<Within a corporate office somewhere in Net.ropolis, a man sits in a
high backed chair, his face and form mostly blocked, smoking a short
cigar, nervously, drumming on the desk in front with a silver arm and
reading a great expanse of papers and charts.>
--Knock-Knock--
"Yeah, get yer rear in here," the man said to the knocker on his door.
<A tall, thin man dressed impeccably in a gray, double-breasted
pin stripe walks through the door, a manilla folder in one hand.>
"'Bout time you showed up!" the man behind the desk said to the
newcomer. "You seen all dis e-mail we been gettin' since last issue?"
"There really is nothing to worry about," Bert Niceguy said to his
superior. "As I explained to you, the loss of LetterinG MaN is inconsequential, and can actually be used to our advantage."
<The man in the chair leans back.>
"I donna know. I been in dis biz awhile, and I ain't da boss of da
biggest comic corperashun for nuttin," the tycoon said with pride.
"If ya was gonna get rid of da guy, ya shoulda played it up big in da
media and have him bite the bullet or somethin'. Dat's de way it's
done."
<The tall man sits in a chair opposite the desk.>
"There wasn't time," the Editor said. "Besides, with aLLiterative
Lass providing puerile pleasure to thousands of fanboys across the
net, we will have no trouble selling our issues. We don't need some
big muscle-headed oaf to keep our market-share intact."
<The man at the desk gets up and stares out one of the huge windows at
the city below him.>
"I don't know," the head of the corporation disagreed. "I think ya
went to far this time. I think this time there's gonna be trouble."
<The tall, thin man's face twists to a mask of contempt and disdain.>
"Please, you frighten me," Mr. Niceguy said, sarcastically. "Who can
stop us? We _own_ this business. What _we_ say goes. We have
nothing to fear but our own stupidity and lack of vision. A lack of
vision that keeps us using trite characters and coddling useless
writers instead of the _true_ geniuses in this business--the Editors
and the Artists!"
"I hope you're right," the tycoon said resignedly.
*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************
<aLLiterative Lass lies on the floor of an otherwise empty hall. A
strange noise is heard coming from one end.>
--Whuh-Whuh--
--Whuh-Whuh--
--Whuh-Whuh--
<Suddenly, what appears to be an old-fashioned confessional appears at
the end of the hall.>
--Khuh-Chunk--
<A moderate sized figure dressed in a long, brown trench coat and a multi-colored scarf exists from the confessional, and looks around.>
"Well," Occultism Kid said, "here's a fine how-dee-do."
<Occultism Kid walks to aLLiterative Lass's prone form. aLLiterative
Lass starts to stir.>
"I wonder what all this brown stuff on the walls is," Occultism Kid
said as he walked down the hall.
"uh--errr--uhnf," aLLiterative Lass said as she slowly regained
consciousness.
<Occultism Kid assists aLLiterative Lass to her feet. In the
background, Cheesecake-Eater Lad is seen turning the corner into the
hall by the confessional, carrying a bouquet of red roses.>
"Take it easy, there's a good girl," OK said as he helped aLLiterative
Lass from the ground.
<aLLiterative Lass falls limp into Occultism Kid's awaiting arms. Cheesecake-Eater Lad stops dead in his tracks as he sees the pair,
misreading the situation entirely.>
"Eeep," C-E Lad said in a startled manner.
<Cheesecake-Eater Lad backs up until he is mostly hidden by the turn
in the hall. Occultism Kid, half-carrying his fellow net.hero,
escorts aLLiterative Lass towards his TANDI.>
"Oh, no!" Cheesecake-Eater Lad thought. "It's just like I feared!
aLLiterative Lass decided to find someone else since I was gone. Not
that I blame her; after all, OK is good-looking, has great fashion
sense, and has his own title. What do I have to offer her!?"
<Cheesecake-Eater Lad starts down the hall away from the confessional,
the bunch of flowers trailing along the floor behind him. Occultism
Kid and aLLiterative Lass enter the TANDI without the notice of the
master of cheesecake.>
"Woe is me!" Cheesecake-Eater Lad sighed as he walked away from his
only true love.
---
<Inside the confessional, it looks like the burial tomb from the
Middle-Ages. A large, stone sarcophagus stands on a slightly raised
platform. A brazier stands in one corner, burning though no fuel
appears to be present within it. In the opposite corner is a large
glass ball sitting upon a golden stand. aLLiterative Lass shakes
herself free of Occultism Kid's embrace and prepares herself for
combat.>
"Who! What! Where!" aLLiterative Lass said as she shook off the final
effects of her failed attempt to use her net.power.
<Occultism Kid backs up and raises his hands in front of himself,
palms outward.>
"Calm down, aLLiterative Lass," Occultism Kid soothed, "it's only me,
Occultism Kid."
<aLLiterative Lass shakes her head, and seems to calm down. Occultism
Kid reaches into the pocket of his trench coat and pulls out a small
bucket with a lid and spoon.>
"everything Feels Fuzzy," aLLiterative Lass said as her head began to
clear.
"Here," OK proffered, "have some ice cream."
"no Thanks Though i apPReciate the PResent," aLLiterative Lass
responded. "i just wish i knew what became of those Vending
Villains."
<Occultism Kid's brow wrinkles as he ponders this statement.>
"Vending Villains, hmm," Occultism Kid said, "I wonder..."
<Occultism Kid walks over to the large glass ball.>
Occultism Kid said as he chanted as he waved his hands around the big
orb:
"By the Powers of Plot Device and all Dangerous Seats,
By the River of the Creative Juices where good Writers Dwell,
By the Appeal of Comics to Great and Small,
Good Crystal a story to me should you tell!"
<Inside the crystal ball, an image of the lobby of the Legion's
Net.ropolis Headquarters is shown. The vending machine that attacked aLLiterative Lass and her friends is standing in the middle of the
floor beside a small figure curled in a blanket. A strange aura
surrounds the vending machine.>
"Was this your assailant?" Occultism Kid asked.
"Why yes it Was," aLLiterative Lass answered.
*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************
<Occultism Kid peers into the crystal ball.>
"Then I was right!" he said. "This is Ven-Dorr, a soda machine which
was brought to sentience through a mystic convergence of the spheres
of RreN-dov. I should not have allowed him to go unchecked so long."
<The scene within the crystal ball to show Ultimate Ninja battling a
group of ninja.>
"You see," explained Occultism Kid, "one night, Ultimate Ninja was
attacked by a group of renegade ninja, which, as with most fights
involving our glorious leader, resulted in a vast amount of human
blood being spilled over the environs of the LNHQ lobby.*"
[See Hubert Bartels' "Tales of the LNH" Nos. 285 and 286 for all the
gory details--Bert.]
<The crystal ball shows a blinding flash of light filling the lobby.>
"Suddenly, there was an inexplicable mystical phenomenon," OK
continued.
<The crystal ball changes scene to show the soda machine ringed by a
strange yellow light.>
"The convergence of arcane energies flowed through the magical conduit
inherent within human blood to breathe life into the formerly
inanimate object of the soda machine and produced Ven-Dorr*," finished Occultism Kid.
[*As is explained in the insightful "Ven-Dorr the Soda Machine That
Walked, er Rolled Like A Man!" by Dave Van Domelen--Bert.]
<aLLiterative Lass looks at Occultism Kid.>
"but there were Many More," aLLiterative Lass explained.
"Hmm," Occultism Kid pondered. "My guess is that Ven-Dorr has created
the dreaded VeMites, destined to become one of the all-time greatest
scourges to humanity. Were they exactly like Ven-Dorr except
smaller?"
<aLLiterative Lass nods in answer to Occultism Kid's question.>
"yes, but What do they Want?" aLLiterative Lass asked.
"Nothing less than to force the entire world to drink soft-drinks," OK answered. "That is why we must stop them and keep them from
restricting the rights of net.beings to drink the beverage of their
choice!"
---
<More ads--Gotta love 'em.>
*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************
<In the lobby of the Legion of the Net.Heroes headquarters, several
VeMites are rolling around, chasing various and sundry net.heroes
while squirting soda at them from their small, soda-bottle appendages.
Ven-Dorr stands in the midst of the turmoil, directly in front of a
newly installed Slurpee machine.>
"Re-Caffeinate! Re-Caffeinate!" the VeMites screeched as they tore
around the lobby after the Slurpee-drinking multitudes.
"You are not fit to replace me," Ven-Dorr said to the Slurpee Machine.
"I will destroy you and all you stand for!"
<Ven-Dorr lets loose with a stream of carbinated beverage at the
helpless Slurpee dispenser.>
--Phisss-Phisssss-Phisssssssssssssssssss--
<The circuitry within the Slurpee machine, gummed up with the sticky
soda pop, begins to crackle and spark.>
--Phizzle-Pop-Pop-Phizzle-Krzzkt--
<All-Knowing-Last-Chance-Whiner-Destiny Woman stops running long
enough to say ...>
"Oh, NO, it's going to ..." said All-Knowing-Last-Chance-Whiner-
Destiny Woman.
<The Slurpee Machine explodes.>
--Ka-Blooieeeeeeee-Pop-Pop-Pop--
<The lobby of the Legion's headquaters is covered in multi-colored
goo. All the Legionnaires lie on the floor, covered in sticky Slurpee
residue. Ven-Dorr and the VeMites roll towards the exit.>
"Come, my creations," the evil Victor of Vending addressed his
minions, "we must bring the entire Looniverse into our caffienated
state!"
<aLLiterative Lass and Occultism Kid come upon the body of New Look
Lass lying in a hallway of the Legion's headquarters. Her chic gown
is covered with a brown, sticky goop.>
"She's Sure covered," aLLiterative Lass observed.
"I wonder waht this stuff is, though," pondered Occultism Kid.
---
<Occultism Kid removes a little bit of the goop from New Look Lass's
arm. New Look Lass groans a little and starts to stir.>
"Hmm," mused OK, as he rolled the strange, brown substance between his
thumb and forefinger. "It's brown and sticky."
"uhhUHhn," groaned New Look Lass.
<aLLiterative Lass starts to help New Look Lass to her feet.
Occultism Kid suddenly looks very alarmed.>
"Here, let me Help," said aLLiterative Lass as she offered assistance
to her fellow net.hero.
"No, aLLiterative Lass!" Occultism Kid yelled, suddenly. "Get away
from her!"
<New Look Lass opens her eyes fully to show that they have
mysteriously turned red! aLLiterative Lass jumps back just as
strange, brown, wiggly lines issue from New Look Lass's fingertips.>
"Everyone _must_ be re-caffienated," New Look Lass chanted in a
sing-song voice as she fired mystic-caffiene rays at her one time
net.friend.
--Deeooo-Deeooo--
<Occultism Kid taps New Look Lass on the head with a black rod with
white tips.>
--Tap--
<New Look Lass falls backwards into Occultism Kid's outstretched
arms. aLLiterative Lass looks on in disbelief.>
"Where did that Wand come from?" asked an amazed aLLiterative Lass.
"Out of my pocket," Occultism Kid replied, matter-of-factly. "Where
else?"
<From down the hall more net.heroes appear, walking zombie-like, and
covered in brown goop like New Look Lass.>
"I say," addressed Occultism Kid to aLLiterative Lass, "LLL, looks
like we have some more of these caffiene zombies coming."
"i would suggest a Rapid Retreat to your tandi should Certainly
Serve," said aLLiterative Lass in response.
"I think you are right in that," Occultism Kid said just before both
net.heroes began to run frantically in the direction of OK's
net.craft.
*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************
<Advertisement...Advertisement...Advertisement...Advertisement...Advertisement
Are you tired of seeing pointless advertisements in your favorite Mi-T
Big Comix? Do you fail to see the meaning of promotions for
non-existent items? Does your group have more cavities than there's?
Well now it's your turn to fight back! Join the Crusade Against
Meaningless Drivel! Following the example set by our Grand Archetype,
the Scowling One of RACM, we intend to rid the Net.Environment of all
useless and banal postings that clutter the net.waves and increase the
already inflated bandwidth. We are collecting .signatures from all
peoples of right thinking minds who agree that measures must be taken
to stop the terrible proliferation of pointless posts! When a
sutiable number of names has been collected, the various net.gods of
the net.archy will be notified, and then we will see action!
To join us in our noble crusade, write to
cffitzge@iastate.edu
Stop the insanity before it stops you!
Advertisement...Advertisement...Advertisement...Advertisement...Advertisement>
---
<Bert Niceguy approaches a huge door, locked and barred with massive
metal cylindars.>
"I come, oh great master, to have my accomplishments judged," said
Bert Niceguy to the door in front of him.
<Slowly, the metal cylindars are drawn back and the door begins to
open. A cloud of mist issues from the room beyond.>
"I have followed your anitcs with great interest," a dark voice boomed
from the unseen depths. "You have done well."
<Bert Niceguy drops to one knee. A black silhouette stands framed in
the light of the doorway.>
"I am glad to serve you, master," the Editor told the dark figure.
"How long before I am rewarded for my actions?"
<The black silhoutte's face looks angrily down at its minion.>
"Do you think I have forgotten my promise!" the mysterious form said
gravely.
<Bert Niceguy appears nervous before his dreaded superior.>
"No, your greatness," apologized Mr. Niceguy, "I meant nothing of the
sort. I just was thinking it would be easier ..."
<A red crown of jagged spiky things shoots out from behind the black
form's head.>
"Silence!" ordered the dark one. "I know more than you do, worm! You
will continue to act in accordance to my wishes or else I will find
some other character to replace you! You will rule over Mi-T Big
Comix all in good time if you keep with my program!"
*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************
<In the TANDI, aLLiterative Lass and Occultism Kid peer into the
crystal ball. Inside the ball, the TANDI is shown, surrounded by
caffeine zombies.>
"Looks Like we're Losers," resigned aLLiterative Lass.
"Not if I do something _immensely_ clever," Occultism Kid said with a
gusto.
<The TANDI begins to shake. aLLiterative Lass grabs onto the
sarcophagus as the net.craft rocks. Occultism Kid stands in one
place, one hand on his chin, the other supporting the elbow of his
other arm.>
"hmmmm," thought OK.
<Suddenly, Occultism Kid sticks his arm into the air, his index finger
pointing upwards.>
"This bath is too hot!" Occultism Kid cried as he came up with the
solution to their net.difficulties.
<The next few three panels several panels show Occultism Kid going in
and out of the TANDI's control crypt bringing with him various items
including: a whitened cow's skull, a collapsable pentagram (which he
sets up on the floor of the control crypt), several black and red
candles in ornate holders, and the newgroup messages for sci.aquaria
and rec.arts.manga.>
<Occultism Kid stands in the midst of the pentagram, chants some
strange incantantion, and rams the two newgroup messages together.>
"Rewop evah I! Lluksyerg fo Rewop eht Yb!"
<There is a blinding flash of light within the control crypt.
There is a blinding flash of light throughout the Legion's
headquarters.>
*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************
<aLLiterative Lass is lying on the floor of the TANDI. Occultism Kid
comes over and helps her to her feet.>
"Nothing like a little vuja de," Occultism Kid said as he helped
aLLiterative Lass to her feet.
<aLLiterative Lass appears slightly shaky.>
"what Did you Do?" asked aLLiterative Lass.
"Nothing much, really," replied OK non-chalantly. "Just caused an
overload of arcane residuals, which, in turn, resulted in a negatively
charged mystic vacuum to form within the LNHQ which sucked all the
zombie-ness out of the resident net.characters."
<aLLiterative Lass still appears slightly puzzled.>
"Why Was...," she began.
"...I using those newgroup messages?" OK finished. "Well, you see,
the _only_ explanation for the existence of sci.aquaria and
rec.arts.manga is, quite simply, black blagic. So, I used that magic
to overload the magic energies which were powering the zombies." And
before aLLitertive Lass begins her next question he answered, "Oh, and
you needn't worry about existence of those newsgroups; the magic they
needed to be _extremely_ potent to get by the net.gods, so I only
tapped the merest fraction of what was there. All quite straight
forward, really," he said, congradulating himself.
<aLLiterative Lass walks out of the TANDI. The various net.heroes who
had been turned into caffeine zombies are lying around, returned to
their normal state, and gradually regaining consciousness. Occultism
Kid pops his head out after her.>
"Well so long, aLLiterative Lass," said Occultism Kid as aLLiterative
Lass left. "It's been fun guest-starring in your book."
<aLLiterative Lass turns to see the TANDI disappear. New Look Lass
and Cut Out Man walk up behind her.>
"What happened?" New Look Lass asked.
--Whoo-Whoo--
--Whoo-Whoo--
--Whoo-Whoo--
<At the bottom of the page, in a pink box is written: "A Mi-T Big
Thanx goes out to Occultism Kid for taking the time to appear in our
comic! And tune in next issue to see what great stuff we have in
store for aLLiterative Lass and her pals!>
<At the very bottom, in small print, is written "Copyright 1993 by
Charles F. FitzGerald. Occultism Kid Copyright Josh Geurink. Most
other characters property of Mi-T Big Comix. Issues of LetterinG MaN
made possible in part by a grant from A.R.M. and associates.>
---
LL
LL
LLL e TT e r s
--------------
Dear Mi-T Big Comix,
*Gasp!*
You've fired your penciler! How could you?!? Lim Jee was my
favorite! I buy EVERYTHING he touches!
Oh, sure. You think that replacing Lim Jee with that two-bit
wannabee hack Jim Lee's gonna make me want to buy more? Well,
you're wrong. I hope you learn from your mistake, Mi-T Comix,
'cuz until Lim Jee returns, you ain't getting any of MY business.
Joshua Henry Geurink, CVE
Certified Vampire Expert
Gee, Joshua, we're sorry if we made you get your panties in an uproar,
but we didn't fire our penciler, so everything's just fine! In fact,
as you can tell from Mi-T Great cover to this issue we think just as
highly of Lim as you all out in the fan world do! So keep your shoes
on, and we'll show you a Mi-T Good time! and remember, keep on
saying, Make Mine Mi-T!
Send your letters to
Mi-T Big Comix c/o
cffitzge@iastate.edu.
--
aLLiterative Lass -- Living for Language!
Appearing monthly in Mi-T Big Comix!
==========
Next Week: Something Something LNH!!!!!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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<div dir=3D"ltr">And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie arc= hive <br>once again.<br><br><br>Here's where you can find this and more=
LetterinG MaN <br>Action!:<br><br><a href=3D"
https://archives.eyrie.org/ra= cc/lnh/Series/LetterinG.MaN/">
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/Le= tterinG.MaN/</a><br><br><br>And it's LetterinG MaN #6 by Charles FitzGe= rald!<br><br>Is it time for the vending machines to chant "Re-Caffeina= te!"<br>in unison?! Is it time for Cheesecake Eater Lad and Parking<br= >Karma Kid to worry about Hamster Man stealing all of the<br>LNH Women?!!= =C2=A0 And will Occultism Kid finally learn what<br>all the brown stuff on = the walls is?!!!<br><br><br><br>Find out in...<br><br><br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0=
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 _ <br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0| | =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0Classic <br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0| | =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0=3D<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0| | =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0____ =C2=A0 =C2=A0____ =C2=A0 = =C2=A0_ =C2=A0 =C2=A0____ =C2=A0 =C2=A0___<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0| |__ =C2=A0 | [] | =C2=A0| [] | =C2=A0| | =C2=A0| [] |=
=C2=A0| _ \ =C2=A0<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0= |____| =C2=A0 \__] =C2=A0 =C2=A0\__ | =C2=A0|_| =C2=A0 \__/ =C2=A0 |_|\_\<b= r>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2= =A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0||<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2= =A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 |_| =C2=A0OF NET.HEROES<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 ADVENTURES #401<br><br><br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D<br>=C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 LetterinG MaN #6<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D<br><br><br><br><br><br>******= ************************************************************************<br=
* Mi-T =C2=A0* ****************** =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0!* =C2=A0 =C2= =A0 =C2=A0!* =C2=A0 =C2=A0 !**************************<br>* Big =C2=A0 * **= ******************* =C2=A0!**** =C2=A0!***** =C2=A0!** !*******************= ******<br>* Comix * *************** =C2=A0 !** =C2=A0!**** =C2=A0 =C2=A0!**=
* =C2=A0 =C2=A0 !*** =C2=A0!********************<br>* =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
* ******* =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0!** !*** =C2=A0!**** =C2=A0!***** =C2=A0!* = =C2=A0!*** !** =C2=A0 !** !**********<br>* =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 * ******* = =C2=A0!****** !*** =C2=A0!**** =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0!* =C2=A0!** =C2=A0!* = =C2=A0 !* =C2=A0 =C2=A0!* !**********<br>* =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 * =C2=A0 !*= *** =C2=A0 =C2=A0!************************************** =C2=A0! =C2=A0! = =C2=A0!** =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0!<br>* =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 * =C2=A0 !**** = =C2=A0!****** =C2=A0 !*** =C2=A0 !** =C2=A0 =C2=A0 !** =C2=A0 !** =C2=A0!**=
** =C2=A0!* =C2=A0 =C2=A0!* !******<br>********* =C2=A0 !**** =C2=A0 =C2=A0=
=C2=A0!** =C2=A0 =C2=A0!* =C2=A0 =C2=A0!* =C2=A0!** =C2=A0!* =C2=A0 =C2=A0=
!* =C2=A0!**** =C2=A0!** =C2=A0 !* =C2=A0!** =C2=A0!<br>*E May93* =C2=A0 !*= ************ =C2=A0! =C2=A0 =C2=A0! =C2=A0!* =C2=A0!** =C2=A0!* =C2=A0! =C2= =A0! =C2=A0!************** =C2=A0!*** !<br>* No. 6 * =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0!*= ********* =C2=A0!* =C2=A0!* =C2=A0!* =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 !* =C2=A0!* =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0!*************** =C2=A0 =C2=A0 !*<br>* =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 * ***= ************* =C2=A0!***** =C2=A0!* =C2=A0!** =C2=A0!* =C2=A0!** =C2=A0!***= ********************<br>***************************************************= ***************************<br><br><A little square below the left hand = corner insignia thing has written<br>in it, "Now appearing TWICE a mon= th!"><br><br><Special GIF cover not available on reprint issue.&= gt;<br><br>*******************************LetterinG MaN********************= ***************<br><br><At the top of the page is written "A New Ou= tlook" in bold, happy<br>letters.=C2=A0 On the top, right hand corner =
is a box which has written in<br>it:<br><br>BERT NICEGUY: PLOTTER/EDITOR<br= >Lim Jee and Fromage Studios: Fabulous Artwork<br>with contributions by Iha=
ve Blackface, Roy G. Biv, and Charles<br>FitzGerald.<br><br><In the cent= er, a large, boxlike character stands menacingly, bright<br>light issuing f= rom its brightly colored face and bearing the emblem<br>"Koksi-Kola&qu= ot; running up its left side.=C2=A0 Behind it, five, slightly<br>smaller bu=
t otherwise nearly identical figures stand behind the larger<br>model.<br><= br><aLLiterative Lass, New Look Lass, and a large, handsome blonde guy<b= r>called Cut-Out Man stand in the foreground. =C2=A0aLLiterative Lass and N= ew<br>Look Lass are dressed in formal gowns; Cut-Out Man wears black tie an= d<br>a dinner jacket.=C2=A0 On his head, there is a pith helmet.><br><br= >"Re-Caffeinate! Re-Caffeinate!" the vending machines chanted tog= ether.<br><br>*******************************LetterinG MaN*****************= ******************<br><br><The lead vending machine extrudes a soft-drin=
k bottle out of its<br>dispensing slot. =C2=A0aLLiterative Lass prepares he= rself for battle by<br>creating a strange glow about her right fist.=C2=A0 = New Look Lass starts<br>backward, a little frightened.><br><br>--Vizzzzz= zzz--<br><br>"Who are these things?" New Look Lass asked no one i=
n particular.<br><br><From the soft-drink bottle, a stream of brown liqu=
id flies, hitting<br>Cut-Out Man squarely in the chest.=C2=A0 Cut-Out Man f= alls over backwards,<br>becoming two-dimensional as he falls.><br><br>--= Phisssssssssssss--<br><br>--flap--<br><br><New Look Lass crouches beside=
Cut-Out Man. =C2=A0aLLiterative Lass springs<br>at the leader, striking wi=
th her glowing fist.><br><br>"Oh, no!" New Look Lass cried. = =C2=A0"Look what they did to Cut-Out Man!"<br><br>"Taste the=
Totality of Coordinated Consonants!" aLLiterative Lass<br>said, with =
a vengeance.<br><br><A strange, pinkish light engulfs the target of aLLi= terative Lass's<br>blow and herself. =C2=A0aLLiterative Lass's face=
contorts to one of strange<br>pain.><br><br>--tzsl-kr-gbxpf--<br><br>&l= t;aLLiterative Lass falls to the ground in a heap.=C2=A0 The vending<br>mac= hines roll forward.><br><br>"Re-Caffeinate!=C2=A0 Re-Caffeinate!&qu= ot; =C2=A0the vending machines chanted as they<br>passed the unconscious fo=
rm of aLLiterative Lass.<br><br><New Look Lass starts to run frantically=
down the hall; the vending<br>machines roll after her, firing their soda-g= uns as they roll.><br><br>--Phissssss--<br>--Phissssss--<br>--Phissssss-= -<br><br>"You will be Re-Caffeinated" the leader said.<br><br>---= <br><br><Cheesecake-Eater Lad is sitting in the front of a flight.thingy= .<br>Parking Karma Kid is seated next to him.=C2=A0 Cheesecake-Eater Lad is= <br>looking very excited and anxious; his friend seems despondent and<br>su= llen.><br><br>"Can't you fly any faster, PK," Cheesecake-E= ater Lad asked,<br>impatiently.<br><br>"Oh, I suppose I could," P= arking Karma Kid replied, curtly, "but I<br>really don't see as it=
makes any difference."<br><br><Cheesecake-Eater Lad looks at his f= riend with a look of keen<br>interest.><br><br>"What's wrong, P= K," C-E Lad asked. =C2=A0"We're finally off that island,<br>I= 've slimmed down a little, and we proved to Ultimate Ninja that we<br>c= ould take care of ourselves.* =C2=A0What could possibly be wrong?"<br>= <br>[*See "Jungle Cheesecake" in Ultimate Ninja #6-#9 for the com= plete<br>story--Bert.]<br><br><Parking Karma Kid looks at his friend cro= ssly.><br><br>"What's wrong!" PK Kid replied with vehemenc=
e. =C2=A0"I suppose you haven't<br>noticed how Bandwagon Chick has=
been hanging all over that Guinea Pig<br>Guy ever since we left that stupi=
d island."<br><br><Cheesecake-Eater Lad looks slightly puzzled by t= his.><br><br>"You mean Hamster Man?" Cheesecake-Eater Lad aske=
d for clarification.<br><br>"No, I mean Harrison Ford!" Parking K= arma Kid replied in a voice<br>dripping with sarcasm. =C2=A0"Who'd=
you think I meant!"<br><br><Cheesecake-Eater Lad looks at Parking = Karma Kid with slight<br>reproach.><br><br>"Now, PK," Cheeseca= ke-Eater Lad started, "you know we're all one big<br>happy family = here in the LNH.=C2=A0 You're just going to have to learn to<br>live wi=
th this as befitting a hero."<br><br>"Oh, sure," PK Kid resp= onded coldly, "how would you like it if you got<br>back and aLLiterati=
ve Lass was going out with someone else, huh?"<br><br><Cheesecake-E= ater Lad looks down at his belly which has been reduced<br>in size somewhat=
since he last was seen in the Legion's Headquarters,<br>but which is s= till rather wider than the comic book norm.><br><br>"He's right= ," C-E Lad said to himself. =C2=A0"I've been gone on awful lo= ng<br>while, and I haven't talked to her for a couple issues before tha= t.<br>What if she is seeing someone else?"<br><br><Cheesecake-Eater=
Lad returns to out the window in front of them.=C2=A0 His<br>face is a lit= tle more pale, and his face is no longer anxious.><br><br>"You know=
PK," Cheesecake-Eater Lad said to his friend, "maybe it<br>would=
be better to fly a little slower.=C2=A0 I'm not sure I want to get<br>= back there all that fast after all."<br><br>**************************= *****LetterinG MaN***********************************<br><br><Page o'=
; ads.><br><br>---<br><br><Within a corporate office somewhere in Net= .ropolis, a man sits in a<br>high backed chair, his face and form mostly bl= ocked, smoking a short<br>cigar, nervously, drumming on the desk in front w= ith a silver arm and<br>reading a great expanse of papers and charts.><b= r><br>--Knock-Knock--<br><br>"Yeah, get yer rear in here," the ma=
n said to the knocker on his door.<br><br><A tall, thin man dressed impe= ccably in a gray, double-breasted<br>pin stripe walks through the door, a m= anilla folder in one hand.><br><br>"'Bout time you showed up!&q= uot; the man behind the desk said to the<br>newcomer. =C2=A0"You seen = all dis e-mail we been gettin' since last issue?"<br><br>"The=
re really is nothing to worry about," Bert Niceguy said to his<br>supe= rior. =C2=A0"As I explained to you, the loss of LetterinG MaN is<br>in= consequential, and can actually be used to our advantage."<br><br><= The man in the chair leans back.><br><br>"I donna know.=C2=A0 I bee=
n in dis biz awhile, and I ain't da boss of da<br>biggest comic corpera= shun for nuttin," the tycoon said with pride.<br>"If ya was gonna=
get rid of da guy, ya shoulda played it up big in da<br>media and have him=
bite the bullet or somethin'.=C2=A0 Dat's de way it's<br>done.= "<br><br><The tall man sits in a chair opposite the desk.><br><b= r>"There wasn't time," the Editor said. =C2=A0"Besides, = with aLLiterative<br>Lass providing puerile pleasure to thousands of fanboy=
s across the<br>net, we will have no trouble selling our issues.=C2=A0 We d= on't need some<br>big muscle-headed oaf to keep our market-share intact= ."<br><br><The man at the desk gets up and stares out one of the hu=
ge windows at<br>the city below him.><br><br>"I don't know,&quo=
t; the head of the corporation disagreed. "I think ya<br>went to far t= his time.=C2=A0 I think this time there's gonna be trouble."<br><b= r><The tall, thin man's face twists to a mask of contempt and disdai= n.><br><br>"Please, you frighten me," Mr. Niceguy said, sarcas= tically. =C2=A0"Who can<br>stop us?=C2=A0 We _own_ this business.=C2=
=A0 What _we_ say goes.=C2=A0 We have<br>nothing to fear but our own stupid= ity and lack of vision.=C2=A0 A lack of<br>vision that keeps us using trite=
characters and coddling useless<br>writers instead of the _true_ geniuses =
in this business--the Editors<br>and the Artists!"<br><br>"I hope=
you're right," the tycoon said resignedly.<br><br>***************= ****************LetterinG MaN***********************************<br><br><= ;aLLiterative Lass lies on the floor of an otherwise empty hall. =C2=A0A<br= >strange noise is heard coming from one end.><br><br>--Whuh-Whuh--<br>--= Whuh-Whuh--<br>--Whuh-Whuh--<br><br><Suddenly, what appears to be an old= -fashioned confessional appears at<br>the end of the hall.><br><br>--Khu= h-Chunk--<br><br><A moderate sized figure dressed in a long, brown trenc=
h coat and a<br>multi-colored scarf exists from the confessional, and looks=
around.><br><br>"Well," Occultism Kid said, "here's =
a fine how-dee-do."<br><br><Occultism Kid walks to aLLiterative Las= s's prone form. =C2=A0aLLiterative<br>Lass starts to stir.><br><br>&= quot;I wonder what all this brown stuff on the walls is," Occultism Ki= d<br>said as he walked down the hall.<br><br>"uh--errr--uhnf," aL= Literative Lass said as she slowly regained<br>consciousness.<br><br><Oc= cultism Kid assists aLLiterative Lass to her feet.=C2=A0 In the<br>backgrou= nd, Cheesecake-Eater Lad is seen turning the corner into the<br>hall by the=
confessional, carrying a bouquet of red roses.><br><br>"Take it ea= sy, there's a good girl," OK said as he helped aLLiterative<br>Las=
s from the ground.<br><br><aLLiterative Lass falls limp into Occultism K= id's awaiting arms.<br>Cheesecake-Eater Lad stops dead in his tracks as=
he sees the pair,<br>misreading the situation entirely.><br><br>"E= eep," C-E Lad said in a startled manner.<br><br><Cheesecake-Eater L=
ad backs up until he is mostly hidden by the turn<br>in the hall.=C2=A0 Occ= ultism Kid, half-carrying his fellow net.hero,<br>escorts aLLiterative Lass=
towards his TANDI.><br><br>"Oh, no!" Cheesecake-Eater Lad tho= ught. =C2=A0"It's just like I feared!<br>aLLiterative Lass decided=
to find someone else since I was gone.=C2=A0 Not<br>that I blame her; afte=
r all, OK is good-looking, has great fashion<br>sense, and has his own titl= e.=C2=A0 What do I have to offer her!?"<br><br><Cheesecake-Eater La=
d starts down the hall away from the confessional,<br>the bunch of flowers = trailing along the floor behind him.=C2=A0 Occultism<br>Kid and aLLiterativ=
e Lass enter the TANDI without the notice of the<br>master of cheesecake.&g= t;<br><br>"Woe is me!" Cheesecake-Eater Lad sighed as he walked a= way from his<br>only true love.<br><br>---<br><br><Inside the confession= al, it looks like the burial tomb from the<br>Middle-Ages.=C2=A0 A large, s= tone sarcophagus stands on a slightly raised<br>platform.=C2=A0 A brazier s= tands in one corner, burning though no fuel<br>appears to be present within=
it.=C2=A0 In the opposite corner is a large<br>glass ball sitting upon a g= olden stand. =C2=A0aLLiterative Lass shakes<br>herself free of Occultism Ki= d's embrace and prepares herself for<br>combat.><br><br>"Who! W= hat! Where!" aLLiterative Lass said as she shook off the final<br>effe= cts of her failed attempt to use her net.power.<br><br><Occultism Kid ba= cks up and raises his hands in front of himself,<br>palms outward.><br><= br>"Calm down, aLLiterative Lass," Occultism Kid soothed, "i= t's only me,<br>Occultism Kid."<br><br><aLLiterative Lass shake=
s her head, and seems to calm down.=C2=A0 Occultism<br>Kid reaches into the=
pocket of his trench coat and pulls out a small<br>bucket with a lid and s= poon.><br><br>"everything Feels Fuzzy," aLLiterative Lass said=
as her head began to<br>clear.<br><br>"Here," OK proffered, &quo= t;have some ice cream."<br><br>"no Thanks Though i apPReciate the=
PResent," aLLiterative Lass<br>responded. =C2=A0"i just wish i k= new what became of those Vending<br>Villains."<br><br><Occultism Ki= d's brow wrinkles as he ponders this statement.><br><br>"Vendin=
g Villains, hmm," =C2=A0Occultism Kid said, "I wonder..."<br= ><br><Occultism Kid walks over to the large glass ball.><br><br>Occul= tism Kid said as he chanted as he waved his hands around the big<br>orb:<br= ><br>"By the Powers of Plot Device and all Dangerous Seats,<br>By the = River of the Creative Juices where good Writers Dwell,<br>By the Appeal of = Comics to Great and Small,<br>Good Crystal a story to me should you tell!&q= uot;<br><br><Inside the crystal ball, an image of the lobby of the Legio= n's<br>Net.ropolis Headquarters is shown.=C2=A0 The vending machine tha=
t attacked<br>aLLiterative Lass and her friends is standing in the middle o=
f the<br>floor beside a small figure curled in a blanket.=C2=A0 A strange a= ura<br>surrounds the vending machine.><br><br>"Was this your assail= ant?" Occultism Kid asked.<br><br>"Why yes it Was," aLLitera= tive Lass answered.<br><br>*******************************LetterinG MaN****= *******************************<br><br><Occultism Kid peers into the cry= stal ball.><br><br>"Then I was right!" he said. =C2=A0"Th=
is is Ven-Dorr, a soda machine which<br>was brought to sentience through a = mystic convergence of the spheres<br>of RreN-dov.=C2=A0 I should not have a= llowed him to go unchecked so long."<br><br><The scene within the c= rystal ball to show Ultimate Ninja battling a<br>group of ninja.><br><br= >"You see," explained Occultism Kid, "one night, Ultimate Ni= nja was<br>attacked by a group of renegade ninja, which, as with most fight= s<br>involving our glorious leader, resulted in a vast amount of human<br>b= lood being spilled over the environs of the LNHQ lobby.*"<br><br>[See = Hubert Bartels' "Tales of the LNH" Nos. 285 and 286 for all t= he<br>gory details--Bert.]<br><br><The crystal ball shows a blinding fla=
sh of light filling the lobby.><br><br>"Suddenly, there was an inex= plicable mystical phenomenon," OK<br>continued.<br><br><The crystal=
ball changes scene to show the soda machine ringed by a<br>strange yellow = light.><br><br>"The convergence of arcane energies flowed through t=
he magical conduit<br>inherent within human blood to breathe life into the = formerly<br>inanimate object of the soda machine and produced Ven-Dorr*,&qu= ot; finished<br>Occultism Kid.<br><br>[*As is explained in the insightful &= quot;Ven-Dorr the Soda Machine That<br>Walked, er Rolled Like A Man!" =
by Dave Van Domelen--Bert.]<br><br><aLLiterative Lass looks at Occultism=
Kid.><br><br>"but there were Many More," aLLiterative Lass ex= plained.<br><br>"Hmm," Occultism Kid pondered. =C2=A0"My gue=
ss is that Ven-Dorr has created<br>the dreaded VeMites, destined to become = one of the all-time greatest<br>scourges to humanity.=C2=A0 Were they exact=
ly like Ven-Dorr except<br>smaller?"<br><br><aLLiterative Lass nods=
in answer to Occultism Kid's question.><br><br>"yes, but What =
do they Want?" aLLiterative Lass asked.<br><br>"Nothing less than=
to force the entire world to drink soft-drinks," OK<br>answered. =C2= =A0"That is why we must stop them and keep them from<br>restricting th=
e rights of net.beings to drink the beverage of their<br>choice!"<br>= =C2=A0<br>---<br><br><More ads--Gotta love 'em.><br><br>*********= **********************LetterinG MaN***********************************<br><= br><In the lobby of the Legion of the Net.Heroes headquarters, several<b= r>VeMites are rolling around, chasing various and sundry net.heroes<br>whil=
e squirting soda at them from their small, soda-bottle appendages.<br>Ven-D= orr stands in the midst of the turmoil, directly in front of a<br>newly ins= talled Slurpee machine.><br><br>"Re-Caffeinate! Re-Caffeinate!"=
; the VeMites screeched as they tore<br>around the lobby after the Slurpee-= drinking multitudes.<br><br>"You are not fit to replace me," Ven-= Dorr said to the Slurpee Machine.<br>"I will destroy you and all you s= tand for!"<br><br><Ven-Dorr lets loose with a stream of carbinated = beverage at the<br>helpless Slurpee dispenser.><br><br>--Phisss-Phisssss= -Phisssssssssssssssssss--<br><br><The circuitry within the Slurpee machi= ne, gummed up with the sticky<br>soda pop, begins to crackle and spark.>= <br><br>--Phizzle-Pop-Pop-Phizzle-Krzzkt--<br><br><All-Knowing-Last-Chan= ce-Whiner-Destiny Woman stops running long<br>enough to say ...><br><br>= "Oh, NO, it's going to ..." said All-Knowing-Last-Chance-Whin= er-<br>Destiny Woman.<br><br><The Slurpee Machine explodes.><br><br>-= -Ka-Blooieeeeeeee-Pop-Pop-Pop--<br><br><The lobby of the Legion's he= adquaters is covered in multi-colored<br>goo.=C2=A0 All the Legionnaires li=
e on the floor, covered in sticky Slurpee<br>residue.=C2=A0 Ven-Dorr and th=
e VeMites roll towards the exit.><br><br>"Come, my creations,"=
the evil Victor of Vending addressed his<br>minions, "we must bring t=
he entire Looniverse into our caffienated<br>state!"<br><br><aLLite= rative Lass and Occultism Kid come upon the body of New Look<br>Lass lying =
in a hallway of the Legion's headquarters.=C2=A0 Her chic gown<br>is co= vered with a brown, sticky goop.><br><br>"She's Sure covered,&q= uot; aLLiterative Lass observed.<br><br>"I wonder waht this stuff is, = though," pondered Occultism Kid. =C2=A0<br><br>---<br><br><Occultis=
m Kid removes a little bit of the goop from New Look Lass's<br>arm.=C2=
=A0 New Look Lass groans a little and starts to stir.><br><br>"Hmm,= " mused OK, as he rolled the strange, brown substance between his<br>t= humb and forefinger. =C2=A0"It's brown and sticky."<br><br>&q= uot;uhhUHhn," groaned New Look Lass.<br><br><aLLiterative Lass star=
ts to help New Look Lass to her feet.<br>Occultism Kid suddenly looks very = alarmed.><br><br>"Here, let me Help," said aLLiterative Lass a=
s she offered assistance<br>to her fellow net.hero.<br><br>"No, aLLite= rative Lass!" Occultism Kid yelled, suddenly. =C2=A0"Get away<br>= from her!"<br><br><New Look Lass opens her eyes fully to show that = they have<br>mysteriously turned red! =C2=A0aLLiterative Lass jumps back ju=
st as<br>strange, brown, wiggly lines issue from New Look Lass's finger= tips.><br><br>"Everyone _must_ be re-caffienated," New Look La=
ss chanted in a<br>sing-song voice as she fired mystic-caffiene rays at her=
one time<br>net.friend.<br><br>--Deeooo-Deeooo--<br><br><Occultism Kid = taps New Look Lass on the head with a black rod with<br>white tips.><br>= <br>--Tap--<br><br><New Look Lass falls backwards into Occultism Kid'=
;s outstretched<br>arms. =C2=A0aLLiterative Lass looks on in disbelief.>= <br><br>"Where did that Wand come from?" asked an amazed aLLitera= tive Lass.<br><br>"Out of my pocket," Occultism Kid replied, matt= er-of-factly. "Where<br>else?"<br><br><From down the hall more=
net.heroes appear, walking zombie-like, and<br>covered in brown goop like = New Look Lass.><br><br>"I say," addressed Occultism Kid to aLL= iterative Lass, "LLL, looks<br>like we have some more of these caffien=
e zombies coming."<br><br>"i would suggest a Rapid Retreat to you=
r tandi should Certainly<br>Serve," said aLLiterative Lass in response= .<br><br>"I think you are right in that," Occultism Kid said just=
before both<br>net.heroes began to run frantically in the direction of OK&= #39;s<br>net.craft.<br><br>*******************************LetterinG MaN****= *******************************<br><br><Advertisement...Advertisement...= Advertisement...Advertisement...Advertisement<br><br>Are you tired of seein=
g pointless advertisements in your favorite Mi-T<br>Big Comix?=C2=A0 Do you=
fail to see the meaning of promotions for<br>non-existent items?=C2=A0 Doe=
s your group have more cavities than there's?<br>Well now it's your=
turn to fight back!=C2=A0 Join the Crusade Against<br>Meaningless Drivel!= =C2=A0 Following the example set by our Grand Archetype,<br>the Scowling On=
e of RACM, we intend to rid the Net.Environment of all<br>useless and banal=
postings that clutter the net.waves and increase the<br>already inflated b= andwidth.=C2=A0 We are collecting .signatures from all<br>peoples of right = thinking minds who agree that measures must be taken<br>to stop the terribl=
e proliferation of pointless posts!=C2=A0 When a<br>sutiable number of name=
s has been collected, the various net.gods of<br>the net.archy will be noti= fied, and then we will see action!<br><br>To join us in our noble crusade, = write to<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 <a href=3D"mailto:cffitzge@iastate.= edu">
cffitzge@iastate.edu</a><br><br>Stop the insanity before it stops you!=
<br><br>Advertisement...Advertisement...Advertisement...Advertisement...Ad= vertisement><br><br>---<br><br><Bert Niceguy approaches a huge door, = locked and barred with massive<br>metal cylindars.><br><br>"I come,=
oh great master, to have my accomplishments judged," said<br>Bert Nic= eguy to the door in front of him.<br><br><Slowly, the metal cylindars ar=
e drawn back and the door begins to<br>open.=C2=A0 A cloud of mist issues f= rom the room beyond.><br><br>"I have followed your anitcs with grea=
t interest," a dark voice boomed<br>from the unseen depths. =C2=A0&quo= t;You have done well."<br><br><Bert Niceguy drops to one knee.=C2=
=A0 A black silhouette stands framed in<br>the light of the doorway.><br= ><br>"I am glad to serve you, master," the Editor told the dark f= igure.<br>"How long before I am rewarded for my actions?"<br><br>= <The black silhoutte's face looks angrily down at its minion.><br= ><br>"Do you think I have forgotten my promise!" the mysterious f= orm said<br>gravely.<br><br><Bert Niceguy appears nervous before his dre= aded superior.><br><br>"No, your greatness," apologized Mr. Ni= ceguy, "I meant nothing of the<br>sort.=C2=A0 I just was thinking it w= ould be easier ..."<br><br><A red crown of jagged spiky things shoo=
ts out from behind the black<br>form's head.><br><br>"Silence!&= quot; ordered the dark one. =C2=A0"I know more than you do, worm!=C2=
=A0 You<br>will continue to act in accordance to my wishes or else I will f= ind<br>some other character to replace you!=C2=A0 You will rule over Mi-T B= ig<br>Comix all in good time if you keep with my program!"<br><br>****= ***************************LetterinG MaN***********************************= <br><br><In the TANDI, aLLiterative Lass and Occultism Kid peer into the= <br>crystal ball.=C2=A0 Inside the ball, the TANDI is shown, surrounded by<= br>caffeine zombies.><br><br>"Looks Like we're Losers," re= signed aLLiterative Lass.<br><br>"Not if I do something _immensely_ cl= ever," Occultism Kid said with a<br>gusto.<br><br><The TANDI begins=
to shake. =C2=A0aLLiterative Lass grabs onto the<br>sarcophagus as the net= .craft rocks.=C2=A0 Occultism Kid stands in one<br>place, one hand on his c= hin, the other supporting the elbow of his<br>other arm.><br><br>"h= mmmm," thought OK.<br><br><Suddenly, Occultism Kid sticks his arm i= nto the air, his index finger<br>pointing upwards.><br><br>"This ba=
th is too hot!" Occultism Kid cried as he came up with the<br>solution=
to their net.difficulties.<br><br><The next few three panels several pa= nels show Occultism Kid going in<br>and out of the TANDI's control cryp=
t bringing with him various items<br>including: a whitened cow's skull,=
a collapsable pentagram (which he<br>sets up on the floor of the control c= rypt), several black and red<br>candles in ornate holders, and the newgroup=
messages for sci.aquaria<br>and rec.arts.manga.><br>=C2=A0<br><Occul= tism Kid stands in the midst of the pentagram, chants some<br>strange incan= tantion, and rams the two newgroup messages together.><br><br>"Rewo=
p evah I!=C2=A0 Lluksyerg fo Rewop eht Yb!"<br><br><There is a blin= ding flash of light within the control crypt.<br>There is a blinding flash =
of light throughout the Legion's<br>headquarters.><br><br>**********= *********************LetterinG MaN***********************************<br><b= r><aLLiterative Lass is lying on the floor of the TANDI.=C2=A0 Occultism=
Kid<br>comes over and helps her to her feet.><br><br>"Nothing like=
a little vuja de," Occultism Kid said as he helped<br>aLLiterative La=
ss to her feet.<br><br><aLLiterative Lass appears slightly shaky.><br= ><br>"what Did you Do?" asked aLLiterative Lass.<br><br>"Not= hing much, really," replied OK non-chalantly. =C2=A0"Just caused = an<br>overload of arcane residuals, which, in turn, resulted in a negativel= y<br>charged mystic vacuum to form within the LNHQ which sucked all the<br>= zombie-ness out of the resident net.characters."<br><br><aLLiterati=
ve Lass still appears slightly puzzled.><br><br>"Why Was...," = she began.<br><br>"...I using those newgroup messages?" OK finish= ed. =C2=A0"Well, you see,<br>the _only_ explanation for the existence =
of sci.aquaria and<br>rec.arts.manga is, quite simply, black blagic.=C2=A0 = So, I used that magic<br>to overload the magic energies which were powering=
the zombies." =C2=A0And<br>before aLLitertive Lass begins her next qu= estion he answered, "Oh, and<br>you needn't worry about existence =
of those newsgroups; the magic they<br>needed to be _extremely_ potent to g=
et by the net.gods, so I only<br>tapped the merest fraction of what was the= re.=C2=A0 All quite straight<br>forward, really," he said, congradulat= ing himself.<br><br><aLLiterative Lass walks out of the TANDI.=C2=A0 The=
various net.heroes who<br>had been turned into caffeine zombies are lying = around, returned to<br>their normal state, and gradually regaining consciou= sness.=C2=A0 Occultism<br>Kid pops his head out after her.><br><br>"= ;Well so long, aLLiterative Lass," said Occultism Kid as aLLiterative<= br>Lass left. =C2=A0"It's been fun guest-starring in your book.&qu= ot;<br><br><aLLiterative Lass turns to see the TANDI disappear.=C2=A0 Ne=
w Look Lass<br>and Cut Out Man walk up behind her.><br><br>"What ha= ppened?" New Look Lass asked.<br><br>--Whoo-Whoo--<br>--Whoo-Whoo--<br= >--Whoo-Whoo--<br><br><At the bottom of the page, in a pink box is writt= en: "A Mi-T Big<br>Thanx goes out to Occultism Kid for taking the time=
to appear in our<br>comic!=C2=A0 And tune in next issue to see what great = stuff we have in<br>store for aLLiterative Lass and her pals!><br><br>&l= t;At the very bottom, in small print, is written "Copyright 1993 by<br= >Charles F. FitzGerald.=C2=A0 Occultism Kid Copyright Josh Geurink.=C2=A0 M= ost<br>other characters property of Mi-T Big Comix.=C2=A0 Issues of Letteri=
nG MaN<br>made possible in part by a grant from A.R.M. and associates.><= br><br>---<br><br>LL<br>LL<br>LLL e TT e r s<br>--------------<br><br>Dear = Mi-T Big Comix,<br><br>*Gasp!*<br><br>You've fired your penciler!=C2=A0=
How could you?!?=C2=A0 Lim Jee was my<br>favorite!=C2=A0 I buy EVERYTHING =
he touches!<br><br>Oh, sure.=C2=A0 You think that replacing Lim Jee with th=
at two-bit<br>wannabee hack Jim Lee's gonna make me want to buy more?= =C2=A0 Well,<br>you're wrong.=C2=A0 I hope you learn from your mistake,=
Mi-T Comix,<br>'cuz until Lim Jee returns, you ain't getting any o=
f MY business.<br><br>Joshua Henry Geurink, CVE <br>Certified Vampire Exper=
t =C2=A0<br><br>Gee, Joshua, we're sorry if we made you get your pantie=
s in an uproar,<br>but we didn't fire our penciler, so everything's=
just fine!=C2=A0 In fact,<br>as you can tell from Mi-T Great cover to this=
issue we think just as<br>highly of Lim as you all out in the fan world do= !=C2=A0 So keep your shoes<br>on, and we'll show you a Mi-T Good time! = =C2=A0and remember, keep on<br>saying, Make Mine Mi-T!<br><br>Send your let= ters to <br><br>Mi-T Big Comix c/o<br><a href=3D"mailto:
cffitzge@iastate.ed= u">
cffitzge@iastate.edu</a>.<br><br>--<br><br>aLLiterative Lass -- Living f=
or Language!<br><br>Appearing monthly in Mi-T Big Comix!<br><br><br><br><br= >=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D<br><br>Next Week: =C2=A0Something Something=
LNH!!!!!<br><br>=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D<br><br>Arthur "Same Cl= assic Channel.=C2=A0 But Same Time?=C2=A0 Probably not." Spitzer <br><= /div>
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