Forum: Too Lazy BBS

LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #400: LetterinG MaN #5

From Arthur Spitzer@arspitzer2@gmail.com to rec.arts.comics.creative on Sun Jan 11 20:57:37 2026

From Newsgroup: rec.arts.comics.creative

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And it's the 400th issue of this! Have any other LNH
Titles reached 400? (Well, okay, I guess LNH
Comics Presents did by skipping a bunch of issues..
Anyways...)

And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive
once again.

Here's where you can find this and more LetterinG MaN
Action!:

https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/LetterinG.MaN/

And it's LetterinG MaN #5 by Charles FitzGerald!

Is it time for LetterinG MaN to call some GIRLS?!
And will he be muttering while he does that?!
And how long will it take for the Pope to become
Jewish?!!!!!

Find out in...

_
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \

|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
||
|_| OF NET.HEROES

ADVENTURES #400!

=====================
LetterinG MaN #5
=====================

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<A little square below the left hand corner insignia thing has written
in it, "Now appearing TWICE a month!">

<On the cover, LetterinG MaN stands in front of a mirror, dressed in a
black and white version of his costume, adjusting a black bow-tie tied
about his neck. New Look Lass and aLLitertive Lass stand to one side,
dressed in formal gowns.>

"Come on, LetterinG MaN," New Look Lass said, "we're going to be late
for the party!"

<Behind the mirror, strange lights are glowing, giving the indication
of a hidden menace lurking unnoticed by the net.heroes.>

*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************

<At the top of the page is written "An Issue to Roux".
At the bottom is written
Bert Niceguy : Editor/Plotter
Jim Lee and Fromage Studios : Artwork
Ihave Blackface : Inker
Roy G. Biv : Colors
and how could we forget
Carles FitaGerld : scripter.
In the middle of the page, LetterinG MaN stands by a table, the
handset to a conventional telephone in his hand. Behind him,
aLLiterative Lass sits on the edge of a bed with New Look Lass lying
on her chest beside her.>

"ARE you _sure_ I have to DO this?!!?" LetterinG MaN asked.

"It's the only way to find out if she'll go to the big bash with you,"
New Look Lass answered.

*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************

<LetterinG MaN dials the phone, muttering to himself.>

"GIRLS, mutter, mutter, always, mutter, mutter, _call_, mutter
MUTTER!!" LetterinG MaN said to himself as his finger pushed the
necessary numbers on the telephone's face.

<LetterinG MaN puts the receiver to his ear and hears the familiar
sound of a phone somewhere in the world making enough noise to wake
the dead.>

--BaRRRING, BaRRRRing--

"it's RINGING!!" he told the female net.heroes, triumphantly.

<A female somewhere in net.land approaches a wildly ringing telephone.
She is dressed in a bath robe, and a towel covers her hair like a
turban.>

"Hello, Trixi Truelove's residence," the female said when she reached
the 'phone.

<LetterinG MaN's face turns bright red as he stammers into the
reciever.>

"Ah, umm, ah..." LetterinG MaN stammered, unitelligibly.

"Yes," said the voice on the other end of the line, hesitantly.

"HI!!!" the wonder of the typescript finally managed to blurt out.

<Trixi Truelove moved the receiver away from her ear.>

"Uh, hi," she responed to LetterinG MaN's enthusiatic statement. "Who
is this?"

"This is LetterinG MaN!!!!!!!!" the person on the other end of the
line told her.

"Oh," Trixi said, chillingly. "Look, Mr. LetterinG MaN, I appreciate
your call, but I am really very busy, so maybe you could call back
some other time ... say maybe when the Pope turns Jewish?"

<LetterinG MaN looks rather perplexed on his end of the line.>

"BUT by _then_ it'll be too LATE!!" he said, despairingly.

"Too late for what?" Trixi said, through the wonder of A.G. Bell.

"WHY, for the BIG _party_, of course!!" LetterinG MaN said.

---

<Trixi Truelove considers this statement a moment as she twirls the
phone cord.>

"Hmmm," Trixi thought, "the big oaf must be talking about the gala
everyone in Net.ropolis is talking about. If I could get invited, I
could scoop all the other net.works in city! Besides, since his first appearance, the guy seems to have shaped up a little; defeating
net.villians all over the place and stuff. I don't suppose it could
be too bad. It's only for a night, after all."

"So are you asking me out?" Trixi asked, coquettishly.

An enthusiastic "YES!!!" resounded out of the 'phone.

<LetterinG MaN is beaming broadly at his two friends, his thumb
pointing up in the universal symbol for "aok". The two girls look
pleased at their friend's success.>

"So, what should I wear?" the female voice on the far side of the
line said.

"OH, _I_ don't KNOW!" LetterinG MaN answered, nonchalantly. "I
wouldn't _mind_ if you didn't WEAR anything at ALL!!"

<aLLiterative Lass and New Look Lass look at each other; both appear
startled and extemely upset by LetterinG MaN's last statement.
Meanwhile, LetterinG MaN continues his conversation over the phone
lines, completely oblivious to any gaffe he may have uttered.>

"What!!" Trixi said, via fiber-optic cables.

"WELL, I _suppose_ it's pretty CUSTOMARY to wear _something_!!"
LetterinG MaN continued in his best "suave" letters, "so _maybe_ you
should wear a BIKINI or something!!"

<LetterinG MaN puffs on his fingernails and wipes them on his chest.
Behind him aLLiterative Lass and New Look Lass are jumping up and
down, waving their arms in an attempt to make him stop and take notice
of their warning.>

"You _know_ something that REALLY shows off your BREASTS!!" LetterinG
MaN said, trying his best to make her understand his point.

--CLICK--

--BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ--

<LetterinG MaN looks stunned as he replaces the 'phone's handset.>

"SHE _hung_ up on me!!" he said, in a dazed way.

<LetterinG MaN looks at his two fellow net.heroes. aLLiterative Lass
buries her head in hands and New Look Lass flops back upon the bed.>

"WAS it _something_ I SAID?!?!?" LetterinG MaN asked, increduously.

"o Golly Groan," aLLiterative Lass said.

--Thump--

*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************

<Somewhere within the deep caverns and dark subterranean hallways
beneath the Legion of Net.Heroes Headquarters, a strange light
flickers and changes hue.>

"I have hidden long enough," a coldly mechanical voice addressed the
darkness. "My army is complete. The Legion of Net.Heroes will learn
the errors of their ways."

<From somewhere done the hall, a noise echoes.>

--Thud-- thud (thud)

"They have come to learn my secrets," the strange voice intoned. "We
must hide."

<The light goes out to be replaced by the bobbing circle of a
flashlight.>

"Yo, Cap, did you hear someone down there," a young voice asked.

<There is a pause for a moment as the flashlight scans the darkness.>

"Sorry, Squeaky, but I think these old tunnels are playing tricks on
your ears," the voice of Captain CleanUp said. "Now shine that light
over here so I can pick up this box."

<The light is redirected, and some dark forms are seen vaguely through
the ink.>

"This is gonna be a real swell party, isn't it, Cap?" Squeaky Clean
asked his mentor.

"That's right," Captain CleanUp said, "This is one party no one will
ever forget!"

<The two net.heroes disapper in the gloom. The strange, eerie light
returns, stronger than before.>

"With all the Legion in one place, it will be possible to destroy them utterly," the voice resumed, "and so we will be unchecked in our plans
for world domination."

---

<ads for stuffs>

*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************

<Page o' ads!>

---

<Cigar smoke curls up from behind the high backed chair, as the
seated figure gazes at the Net.ropolis skyline from the the
ninety-second floor of the city's tallest building. All that is
visible of this presumably male figure is the right arm and two short,
stubby legs, which are propped on the windowsill in front of him. The
arm is a shiny, silver and holds a lit cigar butt between two fingers;
one leg has been replaced from the knee down by a wooden peg leg.>

"Dis is da life," the anonymous figure gloated. "Head of a
Multi-bazillion buck corporation, with total control over da lives and destinies of countless thousands of shmucks out dere."

--Bwa-Ha--

--Bwa-Ha-HA-HA-ha-ha-ha--ha-ha--ha--

<A tall, thin man dressed in a neatly pressed, pinstripped suit stands
in front of the desk. All that is visible is the edge of the desk,
the crisp, crease of the newcomer's slacks and the wingtips on his
feet.>

"Ahem," the newcomer said, "I have a report on the project X-FUN-A1
which I believe will interest your mightiness."

<The man in the chair swivels quickly around at the sound of the
stranger. The shot shows only his over-bloated stomach pushing out
from a cheap, polyester sport coat, his striped shirt and red paisley
tie spotted with foodstains, and part of the large desk in front of
him.>

"Ain't I never told you not ta bug me when I'm gloating!?" the
mysterious tycoon raved as he put out his cigar on part of his
blotter. "Now what is it."

<The thin man hands the tycoon a manilla folder. All that is shown is
the man's impeccable, double breasted coat and dazzling white shirt
and splendidly yellow tie.>

"This contains all the information on the recent infiltration of LNH headquarters," the tall man said in a smooth, calculated voice. "As
you can see everything went acoording to plan, with no one the wiser
for our experiment."

<The tycoon throws a brightly colored comic book onto the desk, open
to one of the final pages.>

"What about dat panel dere," he said, pointing with a stubby finger at
one of the panels. "You gonna tell me that dame ain't onta
somethin'?"

<The tall man leans over to read the panel more closely. The shot,
thus, shows only the long, thin back of the man and the short, stubby
fingers of the tycoon, drumming on the desktop.>

"Oh, that," the thin man said with contempt as he straightened
himself. "We need not worry about _her_; after all, she's _only_ a
side-kick."

*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************

<LetterinG MaN and aLLiterative Lass sit on the bed in aLLiterative
Lass's room.>

"I _just_ don't UNDERSTAND it, LLL!!" LetterinG MaN began to confide
in his side-kick, "I'm a _perfectly_ reasonable GUY until i see TRIXI,
then I _turn_ into a REAL cad!!"

[Okay, that's enough of this, it's time to get on with the
storyline--Bert.]

<LetterinG MaN looks up, annoyed at the intrusion.>

"What _do_ you MEAN!!" LetterinG MaN asked, his voice filled with
emotion. "Can't _you_ SEE i'm having a CRISIS here!!?!!!"

[Sorry, but the angst level of the book was increasing exponetially,
and since you're not a mutant, we couldn't have that--Bert.]

<LetterinG MaN appears to be getting angry.>

"WHAT does _my_ not being a MUTANT got to with ANYTHING!!!" LetterinG
MaN said, exasperated.

[According to Mi-T Big Guidelines, only in so-called "Mutant Titles"
may the characters engange in self-serving agnst sessions--Bert.]

<LetterinG MaN appears skeptical at this information.>

"I _don't_ believe IT!!" LetterinG MaN said, cynically. "Now _your_
TELLING us what _we_ can FEEL!!!?!! And BESIDES, how do you _know_
I'm not a MUTANT!! MY _origin_ hasn't been REVEALED!!!" he added,
smugly.

[This discussion is pointless. Quit the angst trip and get on with
the story--Bert.]

<LetterinG MaN crosses his arms and looks defiant.>

"And _what_ if i REFUSE!!!!!?!" LetterinG MaN asked, steely
determination hardening his voice.

[We'll cut you from the story, and the story will proceed
apace--Bert.]

---

<LetterinG MaN squints and tries to fathom the veracity of the
statement. aLLiterative Lass peers around him, disbelief and
amazement on her visage.>

"Your _BLUFFING_!!!!!!!" the master of the typescript said with a
false confidence.

[You think you're such a big guy? Well, you're not. I'm tired of
your pathetic whining every other week. First it's the letters we
choose aren't good enough for you. Then you have to have the worst
costume in the history of comicdom. Now your insisting on using a
Mutant trademark plot device, and I WILL NOT ALLOW IT!!

<LetterinG MaN and aLLiterative Lass echange suprised and worried
looks.>

[I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOUR KIND OF NET.HERO!! I DON'T CARE
WHAT COMES OF IT, BUT YOU'RE OUT OF HERE!! DO YOU HERE ME!! OUT OF
HERE!! GET OUT OF MY COMIC BOOK!!

<LetterinG MaN lifts his head high and gives his side-kick a farewell handshake.>

[IF YOU'RE NOT OUT OF HERE BY THE END OF THIS PAGE, I'LL HAVE YOUR
TRADEMARK REVOKED!!

<LetterinG MaN walks out the door with a noble stride, his head held
high. aLLiterative Lass watches him go.>

[Good Riddance, ya has-been!--Bert.]

<aLLiterative Lass looks very small and alone.>

"what Happens Here?" she asked, forlornly.

[Never mind that! Just get back to doing comic bookish stuffs and
forget about that old relic. And show a little more rump--it's sure
to boost sales--Bert.]

*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************

<more and>

---

<more ads.>

*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************

<The tall man in the pin-stripped suit walks down a non-descript
hallway somewhere in the Looniverse. He is playing with his collar
and the tie around his neck as he walks.>

"mutter, mutter, Bergin, mutter, mutter, mutter," the man said as he
paced down the hall.

<A pimply faced teenager walks up to the tall, thin man, a bunch of
comic boards in his hand.>

"Hi, Mr. Niceguy," the kid said, "I got them pictchers ya asked me ta
draw for them guys all done! Wanna look!"

<Bert Niceguy grabs the comic boards from the kind-hearted teen and
throws them on the ground behind him.>

"Out of my way, cretin!" Bert said, unsociably.

<Bert Niceguy approaches a large, wooden door, the brass nameplate
upon which is unnreadable, and stops just before entering.>

"This will not do," the Editor/Plotter for Mi-T Big Comix remarked to
himself. "No, it will not do at all. I must compose myself before
entering the presence of that _ignorant_ buffoon. I have come so far
in my plans, I will not allow this set-back to phase me."

<Bert Niceguy takes a deep breath and lets it out again. He then
takes a small, circular mirror from his pocket and peers into its
surface.>

"I'm intelligent, creative, and, gosh darn it, people like me," he
said to his reflection just before he opened the door in front of him.

---

<Yet more lovely advertisements (just for Martin).>

*******************************LetterinG
MaN***********************************

<New Look Lass, aLLiterative Lass walk down the hallway of the Legion
of Net.Heroes Headquarters which are gaily decorated with streamers
and tinsel. Both are wearing evening dresses. aLLiterative Lass is
wearing the red, sequin number from LetterinG MaN issue 1, though
admittedly she fills it much better now. New Look Lass is wearing a
black dress that extends to the middle of her thigh with black
stockings and heels. She is being escorted by a large, fairly
handsome man dressed in a black tie, monkey suit, and a pith helmet.>

"So, aLLiterative Lass," New Look Lass began, "have you met Cut-Out
Man."

"Hi," Cut-Out Man said, with an overpoweringly obnoxious smile, "I'm
Cut-Out Man."

"what SPecifically is your SPecialty?" aLLiterative Lass asked,
politely.

"I stand around and look _good_," Cut-Out Man said, with his constant
smile still going.

<New Look Lass looks at aLLiterative Lass with a concerned look on her
face.>

"But where's your date, LLL?" New Look Lass asked in concerned tones.
"I figured Cheesecake-Eater Lad would have asked you to go with him."

"i Haven't Heard from Him," aLLiterative Lass responded, slightly
hesitantly.

<Just then in front of the trio appears a large, rectangular object,
its front made of slightly opaque, colored glass, lit by an eerie glow
behind. Along the side is written "Koksi-Kola", in large, bright
letters. Behind it there are five others, nearly identical to their
leader except they are only about half as tall.>

"Re-Caffinate! Re-Caffinate!" the vending machines chanted in unison.

<At the bottom of the page is written in a little, green block in
purple letters: "What does this new menace have in store for the
net.heroes? and how will the get along without LetterinG MaN? What
evil plans does Bert Niceguy have in store for the Legion and who is
his boss? For answers to at least some of these questions, make sure
you pick up our next exciting issue!">

<At the very bottom, in small letters, is written: Copyright 1993 by
Charles F. FitzGerald. All rights reserved.>

---

LetterinG MaN: Not _just_ a HERO, but a ->style<- of WRITING!

Appearing monthly in Mi-T Big Comix!
Watch for other exciting titles from Mi-T Big Comix!

==========

Next Week: Something Something LNH!!!!!

==========

Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer

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<div dir=3D"ltr">And it's the 400th issue of this!=C2=A0 Have any other=
LNH Titles reached 400? =C2=A0(Well, okay, I guess LNH Comics Presen=
ts did by skipping a bunch of issues.. Anyways...) And we&#39= ;re back in the past and can check the eyrie archive once again. <br= > Here's where you can find this and more LetterinG MaN Action!:= <a href=3D"https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/LetterinG.MaN= /">https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/LetterinG.MaN/</a> <br= >And it's LetterinG MaN #5 by Charles FitzGerald! Is it time for=
LetterinG MaN to call some GIRLS?! And will he be muttering while he do=
es that?! And how long will it take for the Pope to become Jewish?!!!= !! Find out in... =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 _ =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
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5 * =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0!********** =C2=A0!* =C2=A0!* =C2=A0!* =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 !* =C2=A0!* =C2=A0 =C2=A0!*************** =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0!*= * =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 * **************** =C2=A0!***** =C2=A0!* =C2=A0!=
** =C2=A0!* =C2=A0!** =C2=A0 !*********************** ********* ********= ************************************************************* <A = little square below the left hand corner insignia thing has written in i=
t, "Now appearing TWICE a month!"> <On the cover, Le= tterinG MaN stands in front of a mirror, dressed in a black and white ve= rsion of his costume, adjusting a black bow-tie tied about his neck.=C2=
=A0 New Look Lass and aLLitertive Lass stand to one side, dressed in for= mal gowns.> "Come on, LetterinG MaN," New Look Lass sai=
d, "we're going to be late for the party!" <Behi=
nd the mirror, strange lights are glowing, giving the indication of a hi= dden menace lurking unnoticed by the net.heroes.> ***************= ****************LetterinG MaN*********************************** &lt= ;At the top of the page is written "An Issue to Roux". At the = bottom is written Bert Niceguy : Editor/Plotter Jim Lee and Fromage S= tudios : Artwork Ihave Blackface : Inker Roy G. Biv : Colors and h=
ow could we forget Carles FitaGerld : scripter. In the middle of the = page, LetterinG MaN stands by a table, the handset to a conventional tel= ephone in his hand.=C2=A0 Behind him, aLLiterative Lass sits on the edge=
of a bed with New Look Lass lying on her chest beside her.> &= quot;ARE you _sure_ I have to DO this?!!?" LetterinG MaN asked. <br= >"It's the only way to find out if she'll go to the big bash w= ith you," New Look Lass answered. **************************= *****LetterinG MaN*********************************** <LetterinG = MaN dials the phone, muttering to himself.> "GIRLS, mutter, = mutter, always, mutter, mutter, _call_, mutter MUTTER!!" LetterinG = MaN said to himself as his finger pushed the necessary numbers on the te= lephone's face. <LetterinG MaN puts the receiver to his ear a=
nd hears the familiar sound of a phone somewhere in the world making eno= ugh noise to wake the dead.> --BaRRRING, BaRRRRing-- &q= uot;it's RINGING!!" he told the female net.heroes, triumphantly.<b= r> <A female somewhere in net.land approaches a wildly ringing teleph= one. She is dressed in a bath robe, and a towel covers her hair like a<b= r>turban.> "Hello, Trixi Truelove's residence," the=
female said when she reached the 'phone. <LetterinG MaN&#= 39;s face turns bright red as he stammers into the reciever.> = "Ah, umm, ah..." LetterinG MaN stammered, unitelligibly. &= quot;Yes," said the voice on the other end of the line, hesitantly.<br= > "HI!!!" the wonder of the typescript finally managed to blur=
t out. <Trixi Truelove moved the receiver away from her ear.><= br> "Uh, hi," she responed to LetterinG MaN's enthusiatic = statement. =C2=A0"Who is this?" "This is LetterinG=
MaN!!!!!!!!" the person on the other end of the line told her. = "Oh," Trixi said, chillingly. =C2=A0"Look, Mr. LetterinG=
MaN, I appreciate your call, but I am really very busy, so maybe you co= uld call back some other time ... say maybe when the Pope turns Jewish?&= quot; <LetterinG MaN looks rather perplexed on his end of the lin= e.> "BUT by _then_ it'll be too LATE!!" he said, de= spairingly. "Too late for what?" Trixi said, through the w= onder of A.G. Bell. "WHY, for the BIG _party_, of course!!&quot=
; LetterinG MaN said. --- <Trixi Truelove considers this s= tatement a moment as she twirls the phone cord.> "Hmmm,&q= uot; Trixi thought, "the big oaf must be talking about the gala eve= ryone in Net.ropolis is talking about.=C2=A0 If I could get invited, I c= ould scoop all the other net.works in city!=C2=A0 Besides, since his first<= br>appearance, the guy seems to have shaped up a little; defeating net.v= illians all over the place and stuff.=C2=A0 I don't suppose it could<br= >be too bad.=C2=A0 It's only for a night, after all." &quot= ;So are you asking me out?" Trixi asked, coquettishly. An enthu= siastic "YES!!!" resounded out of the 'phone. <Lett= erinG MaN is beaming broadly at his two friends, his thumb pointing up i=
n the universal symbol for "aok".=C2=A0 The two girls look ple= ased at their friend's success.> "So, what should I wear= ?" the female voice on the far side of the line said. "= OH, _I_ don't KNOW!" LetterinG MaN answered, nonchalantly. =C2=A0&= quot;I wouldn't _mind_ if you didn't WEAR anything at ALL!!&quot= ; <aLLiterative Lass and New Look Lass look at each other; both a= ppear startled and extemely upset by LetterinG MaN's last statement.= Meanwhile, LetterinG MaN continues his conversation over the phone l= ines, completely oblivious to any gaffe he may have uttered.> &qu= ot;What!!" Trixi said, via fiber-optic cables. "WELL, I _s= uppose_ it's pretty CUSTOMARY to wear _something_!!" LetterinG = MaN continued in his best "suave" letters, "so _maybe_ you<b= r>should wear a BIKINI or something!!" <LetterinG MaN puffs =
on his fingernails and wipes them on his chest. Behind him aLLiterative = Lass and New Look Lass are jumping up and down, waving their arms in an = attempt to make him stop and take notice of their warning.> &q= uot;You _know_ something that REALLY shows off your BREASTS!!" Letteri= nG MaN said, trying his best to make her understand his point. --= CLICK-- --BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ-- <LetterinG MaN=
looks stunned as he replaces the 'phone's handset.> &quo= t;SHE _hung_ up on me!!" he said, in a dazed way. <LetterinG=
MaN looks at his two fellow net.heroes. =C2=A0aLLiterative Lass buries = her head in hands and New Look Lass flops back upon the bed.> &qu= ot;WAS it _something_ I SAID?!?!?" LetterinG MaN asked, increduously.<= br> "o Golly Groan," aLLiterative Lass said. --Thump--<= br> *******************************LetterinG MaN************************= *********** <Somewhere within the deep caverns and dark subterran= ean hallways beneath the Legion of Net.Heroes Headquarters, a strange li= ght flickers and changes hue.> "I have hidden long enough= ," a coldly mechanical voice addressed the darkness. =C2=A0"My=
army is complete.=C2=A0 The Legion of Net.Heroes will learn the errors =
of their ways." <From somewhere done the hall, a noise echoe= s.> --Thud-- thud (thud) "They have come to learn my = secrets," the strange voice intoned. =C2=A0"We must hide.&quot= ; <The light goes out to be replaced by the bobbing circle of a<b= r>flashlight.> "Yo, Cap, did you hear someone down there,&qu= ot; a young voice asked. <There is a pause for a moment as the fl= ashlight scans the darkness.> "Sorry, Squeaky, but I think t= hese old tunnels are playing tricks on your ears," the voice of Cap= tain CleanUp said. =C2=A0"Now shine that light over here so I can p= ick up this box." <The light is redirected, and some dark fo= rms are seen vaguely through the ink.> "This is gonna be =
a real swell party, isn't it, Cap?" Squeaky Clean asked his men= tor. "That's right," Captain CleanUp said, "This =
is one party no one will ever forget!" <The two net.heroe=
s disapper in the gloom.=C2=A0 The strange, eerie light returns, stronge=
r than before.> "With all the Legion in one place, it will b=
e possible to destroy them utterly," the voice resumed, "and s=
o we will be unchecked in our plans for world domination." = --- <ads for stuffs> *******************************Let= terinG MaN*********************************** <Page o' ads!&g= t; --- <Cigar smoke curls up from behind the high backed c= hair, as the seated figure gazes at the Net.ropolis skyline from the the= ninety-second floor of the city's tallest building.=C2=A0 All that = is visible of this presumably male figure is the right arm and two short= , stubby legs, which are propped on the windowsill in front of him.=C2=
=A0 The arm is a shiny, silver and holds a lit cigar butt between two fi= ngers; one leg has been replaced from the knee down by a wooden peg leg.= > "Dis is da life," the anonymous figure gloated. =C2= =A0"Head of a Multi-bazillion buck corporation, with total control = over da lives and destinies of countless thousands of shmucks out dere.&= quot; --Bwa-Ha-- --Bwa-Ha-HA-HA-ha-ha-ha--ha-ha--ha-- = <A tall, thin man dressed in a neatly pressed, pinstripped suit stands<b= r>in front of the desk.=C2=A0 All that is visible is the edge of the desk,<= br>the crisp, crease of the newcomer's slacks and the wingtips on his<b= r>feet.> "Ahem," the newcomer said, "I have a repo=
rt on the project X-FUN-A1 which I believe will interest your mightiness= ." <The man in the chair swivels quickly around at the sound=
of the stranger.=C2=A0 The shot shows only his over-bloated stomach pus= hing out from a cheap, polyester sport coat, his striped shirt and red p= aisley tie spotted with foodstains, and part of the large desk in front = of him.> "Ain't I never told you not ta bug me when I= 'm gloating!?" the mysterious tycoon raved as he put out his ci= gar on part of his blotter. =C2=A0"Now what is it." &lt= ;The thin man hands the tycoon a manilla folder.=C2=A0 All that is shown is= the man's impeccable, double breasted coat and dazzling white shirt= and splendidly yellow tie.> "This contains all the infor= mation on the recent infiltration of LNH headquarters," the tall ma=
n said in a smooth, calculated voice. =C2=A0"As you can see everyth= ing went acoording to plan, with no one the wiser for our experiment.&qu= ot; <The tycoon throws a brightly colored comic book onto the des=
k, open to one of the final pages.> "What about dat panel=
dere," he said, pointing with a stubby finger at one of the panels=
. =C2=A0"You gonna tell me that dame ain't onta somethin'?&= quot; <The tall man leans over to read the panel more closely.=C2= =A0 The shot, thus, shows only the long, thin back of the man and the sh= ort, stubby fingers of the tycoon, drumming on the desktop.> &= quot;Oh, that," the thin man said with contempt as he straightened = himself. =C2=A0"We need not worry about _her_; after all, she's _o= nly_ a side-kick." *******************************LetterinG = MaN*********************************** <LetterinG MaN and aLLiter= ative Lass sit on the bed in aLLiterative Lass's room.> &q= uot;I _just_ don't UNDERSTAND it, LLL!!" LetterinG MaN began to co= nfide in his side-kick, "I'm a _perfectly_ reasonable GUY until=
i see TRIXI, then I _turn_ into a REAL cad!!" [Okay, that&#= 39;s enough of this, it's time to get on with the storyline--Bert.]<= br> <LetterinG MaN looks up, annoyed at the intrusion.> &qu= ot;What _do_ you MEAN!!" LetterinG MaN asked, his voice filled with<br= >emotion. =C2=A0"Can't _you_ SEE i'm having a CRISIS here!!?!!= !" [Sorry, but the angst level of the book was increasing expon= etially, and since you're not a mutant, we couldn't have that--B= ert.] <LetterinG MaN appears to be getting angry.> &quo= t;WHAT does _my_ not being a MUTANT got to with ANYTHING!!!" LetterinG= MaN said, exasperated. [According to Mi-T Big Guidelines, only i=
n so-called "Mutant Titles" may the characters engange in self= -serving agnst sessions--Bert.] <LetterinG MaN appears skeptical =
at this information.> "I _don't_ believe IT!!" Lett= erinG MaN said, cynically. =C2=A0"Now _your_ TELLING us what _we_ c=
an FEEL!!!?!!=C2=A0 And BESIDES, how do you _know_ I'm not a MUTANT!= !=C2=A0 MY _origin_ hasn't been REVEALED!!!" he added, smugly.<= br> [This discussion is pointless.=C2=A0 Quit the angst trip and get on = with the story--Bert.] <LetterinG MaN crosses his arms and loo=
ks defiant.> "And _what_ if i REFUSE!!!!!?!" LetterinG = MaN asked, steely determination hardening his voice. [We'll c=
ut you from the story, and the story will proceed apace--Bert.] -= -- <LetterinG MaN squints and tries to fathom the veracity of the= statement. =C2=A0aLLiterative Lass peers around him, disbelief and a= mazement on her visage.> "Your _BLUFFING_!!!!!!!" the m= aster of the typescript said with a false confidence. [You think = you're such a big guy?=C2=A0 Well, you're not.=C2=A0 I'm tired = of your pathetic whining every other week.=C2=A0 First it's the lett= ers we choose aren't good enough for you.=C2=A0 Then you have to hav=
e the worst costume in the history of comicdom.=C2=A0 Now your insisting=
on using a Mutant trademark plot device, and I WILL NOT ALLOW IT!! =C2= =A0 <LetterinG MaN and aLLiterative Lass echange suprised and wor= ried looks.> [I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOUR KIND OF NET= .HERO!!=C2=A0 I DON'T CARE WHAT COMES OF IT, BUT YOU'RE OUT OF H= ERE!! DO YOU HERE ME!!=C2=A0 OUT OF HERE!!=C2=A0 GET OUT OF MY COMIC BOO= K!! <LetterinG MaN lifts his head high and gives his side-kick a=
farewell handshake.> [IF YOU'RE NOT OUT OF HERE BY THE EN=
D OF THIS PAGE, I'LL HAVE YOUR TRADEMARK REVOKED!! <Letter= inG MaN walks out the door with a noble stride, his head held high. =C2= =A0aLLiterative Lass watches him go.> [Good Riddance, ya has-been= !--Bert.] <aLLiterative Lass looks very small and alone.> = "what Happens Here?" she asked, forlornly. [Never mind=
that!=C2=A0 Just get back to doing comic bookish stuffs and forget abou=
t that old relic.=C2=A0 And show a little more rump--it's sure to bo= ost sales--Bert.] *******************************LetterinG MaN******= ***************************** <more and> --- &lt= ;more ads.> *******************************LetterinG MaN*********= ************************** <The tall man in the pin-stripped suit=
walks down a non-descript hallway somewhere in the Looniverse.=C2=A0 He=
is playing with his collar and the tie around his neck as he walks.>= "mutter, mutter, Bergin, mutter, mutter, mutter," the man=
said as he paced down the hall. <A pimply faced teenager walk=
s up to the tall, thin man, a bunch of comic boards in his hand.> = "Hi, Mr. Niceguy," the kid said, "I got them pictchers y=
a asked me ta draw for them guys all done!=C2=A0 Wanna look!" <b= r><Bert Niceguy grabs the comic boards from the kind-hearted teen and<br= >throws them on the ground behind him.> "Out of my way, cret= in!" Bert said, unsociably. <Bert Niceguy approaches a large=
, wooden door, the brass nameplate upon which is unnreadable, and stops = just before entering.> "This will not do," the Editor/P= lotter for Mi-T Big Comix remarked to himself. "No, it will not do =
at all.=C2=A0 I must compose myself before entering the presence of that=
_ignorant_ buffoon.=C2=A0 I have come so far in my plans, I will not al= low this set-back to phase me." <Bert Niceguy takes a deep b= reath and lets it out again.=C2=A0 He then takes a small, circular mirro=
r from his pocket and peers into its surface.> "I'm i= ntelligent, creative, and, gosh darn it, people like me," he said t=
o his reflection just before he opened the door in front of him. ---= <Yet more lovely advertisements (just for Martin).> **= *****************************LetterinG MaN*********************************= ** <New Look Lass, aLLiterative Lass walk down the hallway of the=
Legion of Net.Heroes Headquarters which are gaily decorated with stream= ers and tinsel.=C2=A0 Both are wearing evening dresses. =C2=A0aLLiterati=
ve Lass is wearing the red, sequin number from LetterinG MaN issue 1, th= ough admittedly she fills it much better now.=C2=A0 New Look Lass is wea= ring a black dress that extends to the middle of her thigh with black<br= >stockings and heels.=C2=A0 She is being escorted by a large, fairly han= dsome man dressed in a black tie, monkey suit, and a pith helmet.> <b= r>"So, aLLiterative Lass," New Look Lass began, "have you me=
t Cut-Out Man." "Hi," Cut-Out Man said, with an ov= erpoweringly obnoxious smile, "I'm Cut-Out Man." &q= uot;what SPecifically is your SPecialty?" aLLiterative Lass asked, = politely. "I stand around and look _good_," Cut-Out Ma=
n said, with his constant smile still going. <New Look Lass lo= oks at aLLiterative Lass with a concerned look on her face.> &= quot;But where's your date, LLL?" New Look Lass asked in concerned=
tones. "I figured Cheesecake-Eater Lad would have asked you to go = with him." "i Haven't Heard from Him," aLLiterati=
ve Lass responded, slightly hesitantly. <Just then in front of=
the trio appears a large, rectangular object, its front made of slightl=
y opaque, colored glass, lit by an eerie glow behind.=C2=A0 Along the si=
de is written "Koksi-Kola", in large, bright letters.=C2=A0 Be= hind it there are five others, nearly identical to their leader except t= hey are only about half as tall.> "Re-Caffinate! Re-Caffina= te!" the vending machines chanted in unison. <At the bottom =
of the page is written in a little, green block in purple letters: &quot= ;What does this new menace have in store for the net.heroes? =C2=A0and h=
ow will the get along without LetterinG MaN?=C2=A0 What evil plans does = Bert Niceguy have in store for the Legion and who is his boss?=C2=A0 For=
answers to at least some of these questions, make sure you pick up our = next exciting issue!"> <At the very bottom, in small lett= ers, is written: Copyright 1993 by Charles F. FitzGerald.=C2=A0 All righ=
ts reserved.> --- LetterinG MaN: Not _just_ a HERO, but a = ->style<- of WRITING! Appearing monthly in Mi-T Big Comix! = Watch for other exciting titles from Mi-T Big Comix! =3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D Next Week: =C2=A0Something Something LNH!!!!!<= br> =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D Arthur "Same Classic Chan= nel.=C2=A0 But Same Time?=C2=A0 Probably not." Spitzer </div>

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LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #400: LetterinG MaN #5

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