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Part Two
Huck Dolluhrind felt a twinge in his neck. Someone had died. He let
out a weary sigh. Oh well.
He knew that was going to happen. He had sent them to be a
distraction -- while he did his work
here to try and get The Tape. And he knew they probably weren't going
to make it.
Huck was garbed in what looked like a Holocaust Cloak and a backpack
strapped to his back as he
marched his way towards the gates of The Headquarters. He held his
Job Interview Radish for all of
the zombies, werewolves, ghouls, and other nasty horrifying creatures
to all gaze upon as he parted
his way through them like Moses parting the Red Sea. They weren't
going to stop him. They knew he
had an interview he needed to get to.
An Interview that he was going to completely ace.
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Lady Ripper looked with surprise as a cloaked elderly black man barged
into her room. "What the...?
How did you...?"
"I'm here -- for the job interview," said Huck holding the radish up
as he looked at a dark shadowy
part of the room where a shadowy Lady Ripper was standing.
"Oh, right," Lady Ripper said gazing at the radish. "The Job
Interview. Yes, we should get..." she
said walking into a more lighted area. Huck's hand with the radish
began to drop down in weakness
as he was completely stunned by the incredible beauty of Lady Ripper.
"Oh godgod! Never have I seen -- like if FIN FANFIC FOOM had a much,
much shorter twin sister --
with the most luscious of all Dad Bods! God, it's..."
This broke Lady Ripper out of the radish's spell. With a quick dance
move, she ripped the radish
from Huck's hand and with another move tore it in half -- destroying
whatever power it still had.
And she stared furiously at Huck Dolluhrind. "Who are you and why are
you here?! Speak, before I
rip you limb from limb!"
"I'm sorry, Tara..."
Lady Ripper was taken aback. "That name. NEVER -- call me that. She
is gone. Dead."
Huck nodded. "I'm Namer Boy. Do you remember me?"
"No, you're not... he was..." Her hand started to shake as memories
flashed through her brain.
"Yes, the one who was your teammate -- The Bomb changed him into a
zombie. I'm a man that has this
condition that is called Namerboyuhneeen which causes me to
occasionally be possessed by the spirit
of Namer Boy allowing me access to all his memories and skills and..."
"Yes, yes -- I know who you are. You're the lunatic terrorist that's
trying to overthrow..."
"I'd say Freedom Fighter..."
"Why are you here?"
"I'm here to convince you that you're on the wrong side. I want you
to join us. Help us."
Lady Ripper laughed. "That's not going to happen. What -- are you
thinking because of all those
times I betrayed the Legion in the past -- that I might do it one more
time just for the heck of it?
Crazy."
"Maybe you're right. Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe you're okay with
purging every single goofy or
silly person. Is that it? You're fine with all of this? You can
justify all of this?"
"I -- I don't..." Lady Ripper had a pained look on her face. "I wish
there was another..."
"There can be. You just need to help me!"
"What do you -- what is your plan?"
"We need you to take out Fearless -- The Lord of Fear -- with this."
He took off the backpack he
had been wearing and got this big mysterious box out of it. "Here. Open it."
She cautiously while holding her breath opened the lid up slightly.
"Oh god! That's..." She
quickly closed the lid.
"Yes. And there's a tape -- it's buried under the throne made from
the crystal skulls in the Throne
Room. You know what I'm talking about?"
"Yes. We tried to destroy it, but for some reason -- it couldn't be
destroyed. So we buried it.
There's something horrible on that tape -- that if you watch it -- it
will destroy you. Is that
your plan? You want to unleash that horror on the Legion? You want
to destroy the Legion?!"
"Maybe the only way to save the world is to destroy the Legion."
"I see. Okay. I guess you did make a mistake," she said as she did a
couple of dance moves. Huck
Dolluhrind screamed in pain as those moves caused his bones in his
legs to tear and he collapsed to
the floor. "Yes, the Legion is evil and doing all kinds of evil.
You're right about that. But
they do keep this world from descending into complete chaos. So, evil
though it maybe -- it is a
necessary evil. Guards! There's an intruder! Careful! He's dangerous."
And as couple of WikiSentinels carted Huck away, Lady Ripping looked
at the box he had given her.
And she moved the box away to one of her secret safe places.
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"Tasha! Are you out of your -- I wanted him alive!" shouted The Lord
of Fear into his wrist
communicator. "Stand down!"
Irony Maiden shook her head. "We need to stop playing games with
these terrorist svolochi. We need
to end all of this. Eliminate every single one of them!" Irony began
to crackle from her metal
hands.
"No. You're not to take any more action! That's an order!" The Lord
of Fear gave a furious glare.
"You're dismissed. Go back to Headquarters!"
As the Legion were arguing among themselves, the remaining members of
The Opposition made their way
out of the Van. Mr. Chainsaw Guy scanned the road for any loose
manhole lids and seeing one edged
his way towards it. And Binky? Binky just stared at the blood
splatter that once been his best
friend -- his best lover -- his best toxic pain in the ass maniac that
was going to just send his
life spiraling out of control that he should have broken up with years
ago. Charlie. Binky closed
his eyes as a tear ran down his furry cheek. And then he opened his
eyes again -- and there was
just rage. A blinding rage that glowed a bright red.
"Wait, does that sabertooth have... Tasha! Get out of there!!
GET..." shouted The Lord of Fear
into his wrist communicator.
Natasha Tolstoy -- who had once been the Irony Man villain Commie-In-A-Metal-Suit -- and after The
Bomb had gone off -- joined the Legion as the newest incarnation of
Irony Man -- Irony Maiden,
looked back with an irritated annoyance at The Lord of Fear. What was
the American being hysterical
about now? Then she could hear all of her suits warning systems start
to beep like crazy.
Something hotter than a Supernova was burning its way through the
suit. All of the suits
protections were beginning to fail. And then the suit began to feel
like an out of control oven.
Then the burning started.
Mr. Chainsaw Guy watched as a red hot beam blazed out of Binky's eyes barbecuing the Irony Maiden's
suit. Various WikiSentinels sacrificed their lives trying to stop the
beam, but to no avail -- the
beam just burned through all of them. As Mr. Chainsaw guy pried open
one of the manholes while
everyone ignored him, he thought to himself -- Probably a good time to
make an exit.
More members of the Legion started attacking -- and were shrugged away
like flies. Whatever had
been keeping Irony Maiden's glowing white suit floating in the air no
longer worked. And Irony
Maiden plummeted to the ground becoming a smoking crater. Assuming
she had managed to survive being
burned alive -- assuming she managed to survive the crash, which
seemed unlikely -- but if she had
-- then having a crazed superpowered sabertooth tear her melted suit
limb to limb probably hammered
the final nail.
"Jesus. What is that thing?" asked The Lord of Fear.
Dr. Stahmpeurstein looked intently at his scanner. "Hmm. That is --
peculiar. The sabertooth's
DNA is Dvorakian -- and it's been altered by the Glory Virus."
"Wait -- the Glory Virus? Doesn't that kill Dvorakians after a week or so?"
"Usually -- there have been rare instances in the past where some
survived being infected."
The Lord of Fear scowled. "So, we're dealing with a sabertooth that
can break planets -- blow out
stars. And now it's very angry. It's going to lay waste to Netrop...
um... The City. It's going
to... How are we going to stop this thing? Does it have any weaknesses?"
"Do Dvorakians die of old age?" said a voice that suddenly appeared
from nowhere. And a very foul
stench also made its presence known. The Lord of Fear wrinkled his
nose -- damn these super senses
-- as he looked at the flickering image of The Time Evacuator --
formerly one of Vector Prime clones
that had gone off to greater things.
"Yes," said Dr. Stahmpeurstien running his finger through the data.
"Over 500 years long for some
-- although who knows how one infected by the Glory Virus would..."
The Time Evacuator nodded and raised her hands as they began to
crackle with time energy.
"No, wait WAIT!" said The Lord of Fear as if it had dawned on him what
she was about to do. But she
wasn't listening. She hurled a bubble of time at Binky and all of the
Legion members that were
still attempting to fight him. And she did her best to contain the
bubble to that one spot even as
she felt some great force trying claw and bite its way out. But in
the end she prevailed. And when
she could feel nothing trying to escape, she let the bubble dissipate.
Only minutes had happened
outside the bubble -- but inside it? Millions of years had passed.
There was some strange colorful
city that had formed on the petrified remains of Binky's skeleton and
the various bones of the
Legion members that had been fighting him. These tiny gnat sized
creatures fluttered around this
small city -- their wings glowed like neon.
The Lord of Fear made his way down to the road to inspect all this.
"What should we do with this?"
a Legion member by the name of Cleaner said nervously.
Lord of Fear sighed. Sometimes, he wished another person were making
all of these decisions. Part
of him just wanted to let this thing be. To just ignore it and let it
be. But this thing could be
dangerous. It could threaten everything. Sometime you just had to
make a choice.
"Eradicate it," said The Lord of Fear in a cold voice. "Make sure
nothing survives."
Because someone had to save the world.
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There was a man with a five o'clock shadow that had boots that were
made from Komodo Dragon skin.
He had a fur coat that had various animal pelts and skins. Ferret.
Cat. Beaver. Wombat. Beagle.
Yak. Sperm Whale. And a number of others. All stitched together.
He took a swig from a silver
flask and looked at the various pictures of deceased Legion members
that they had lost yesterday.
They should have called him in. He would have been able to handle
that Beast. Had he not hunted
down and dispatched all the others? And this Animal didn't even have
the astounding miracle powers
that they did.
He remembered the final battle he had with the last of those Miracle
Beasts. It was the Maggot. On
a melting iceberg close to the North Pole -- that's where it had been.
That was actually a pretty
easy battle as if the Beast didn't have its heart in it. Maybe it
didn't want to live in world
without all of the others. Perhaps. He rubbed his amber amulet that
he wore around his neck. He
could see the lifeless corpse of that Maggot trapped forever in it.
Sometimes he almost missed
them. His desire to destroy them all gave his life some type of
meaning. He was The Beast Slayer.
And now -- there were no more Beasts to slay. He gave a heavy sigh
and took another swig.
He turned his head and looked as the Legion's Throne Room became more
and more crowded as more and
more members began to arrive. He didn't want to be here for whatever
this was -- which most likely
was going to be some very boring speech from The Lord of Fear. He
looked at the center of the room.
There an elderly black man very badly bruised that was shackled to a
Saltire Cross decorated with
various glowing crystal skulls. The head terrorist himself. Namer
Boy. Various chatting among the
members began to drown the room.
But then everyone hushed up.
The Lord of Fear had finally arrive.
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"Too many good people died Yesterday," said The Lord of Fear with a
solemn expression on his face.
"You know their names. Breaker. Knifer. Countdown. Cooker.
Crasher. Hitter. Grimmer.
Gritter. Beatdown. Rocker. Puller. Jacker." He paused a for a
moment. "And Maiden. They gave
their lives for us. For this World." And another long pause. "And
it could have been much worse
if not for Evacuator's quick thinking." A number of claps from
people. "Yeah. She did good." He
joined with the clappers. "But as tragic as Yesterday was -- we might
be finely near the end of
this Nightmare. Yes, finely. Thanks to my wife," he gestured towards
Lady Ripper who had a very
uncomfortable look on her face. "She helped take down this..." He
stared coldly at Huck
Dolluhrind. "This man. Leader of these insurgents. Of these killers.
"But I'm not here for vengeance and retaliation. I'm here to plead
for an end to this madness. I'm
here to plead to you -- Namer..." There was bit of pause as if he was
really uncomfortable saying
the rest of the name. "...Boy. We can both end this. Give me all
the info on all the rest of your
group. You and all your members that are still alive still have
chance -- a chance to return to
side of good. To be forgiven for all your sins."
"Really?" laughed Huck while wincing in pain. "Is brutally beating
the shit out of an elderly black
man chained to a wall -- is that what qualifies as good these days?"
"If there was excessive force used..."
"If?" Huck opened his mouth wide open as if to show all the gaps
where teeth used to be. "But no
-- let's not delude ourselves here. This is never going to end. Even
if I were to submit and
betray everyone and they submitted -- that would never satisfy you.
There will always be the
goofiness and silliness that you can't squash away. Eventually you'll
see it lurking in everyone
around you -- and I'm surprised you can't see it right now.
"I mean look at the Preacher -- with his hairless monks -- eyebrows
and pubic hair all shaved away.
And that silly, ridiculous hat he's always wearing." The Righteous
Inquisitor scowled as if that
remark hit a bit too close to home. "And is the Time Evacuator
anymore serious than the Time
Crapper? Is the Beast Slayer somehow less goofy than the Holiday
Miracle Pet Catcher? How about
that werewolf over there smoking a pipe while reading the Wall Street
Journal? How is that not
completely ridiculous?!!" The werewolf with a very self conscious
look on his face as he became
aware that everyone was looking at him slowly moved the paper upwards
till it was completely hiding
his face.
"I suppose The Lord of Fear is actually a really appropriate name for
you -- because that's all you
do. You Fear. That's your religion. You Fear Everyone. You Fear
Anything That Could Change This
World. You Fear It All. So destroy me. Destroy whatever is left of
my group -- doesn't matter.
You're always going to need an enemy. It is never going to end."
Huck looked down. "Do your
worst."
The Lord of Fear frowned. "Very well." He gestured to the Righteous Inquisitor whose trident began
to glow.
And then a loud blaring noise exploded from the speakers. At first it
sounded like a creaking door
and then some bubbling sounds followed by a drum. And then some goofy
sounding music like from the
early 60s. And singing.
'I was working in my lab -- late one night
when my eyes beheld an eyrie sight...'
And then the whole room darkened with only colorful strobe lights
stabbing any brightness into it.
'...And suddenly to my surprise..."
"What the Hell...?" said The Lord of Fear quickly scanning the ceiling.
'...He did the MASH!'
And then some incredibly large hulking man wearing a Namer Boy mask
entered the Throne Room. In one
hand he had this strange looking box. And in the other -- he had a
chainsaw. The chainsaw wielding
man's eyes swept the room and when he realized that there didn't seem
to be any horny college kids
-- he sighed a disappointed sigh. And then he hurled the strange
mysterious box at Lady Ripper.
And with a savage yank of the chainsaw's cord -- the Chainsaw he was
holding became alive. And he
raised that roaring chainsaw up. And Everything felt like it was in
slow motion.
The Lord of Fear glanced uneasily at the box Lady Ripper had caught.
What was in that -- a bomb
maybe? No. Dancer can handle it. Got to... And then he flew into
the air with guns a blazing at
the chainsaw guy.
Lady Ripper looked at the box and then she looked at Huck Dolluhrind
who had this pleading look on
his face -- to do something. Anything. Please. And she looked back
at the box. And then at The
Lord of Fear. The bullets hadn't done any good and now Felix was
wrestling with the chainsaw guy
for control of the chainsaw. No. He was right. This was never going
to end. They were going to
purge and purge. And it would never stop -- because no one was ever
going to be serious enough for
this world. It was just going to... and she began to walk.
There had to be change.
The Lord of Fear grabbed at the Namer Boy mask -- and that was the one
thing that the chainsaw guy
wouldn't tolerate. He used both of his hands to protect the mask --
letting go of the chainsaw.
The Lord of Fear quickly snatched the chainsaw with both hands and
began to ferociously stab away at
the Namer Boy masked man with it. Like some insane butcher he sawed
and sawed away -- as blood
sprayed all over his face and body. There was an intense hatred in
The Lord of Fear's eyes and a
frustration. He should be dead by now -- but this thing just
refused... just refused to go gently
in the night. And then he heard a voice. "I'm sorry..."
He turned his head. And there was Lady Ripper pulling something out
of box and placing it on his
head. Something that burned. The Lord of Fear screamed a ghastly
scream as he tried to pull it off
burning his fingers badly. And he screamed some more.
The Carmen Miranda Hat would not be removed.
Lady Ripper felt a slight bit of guilt as Felix howled in agony from
the fruit covered hat. But she
didn't have time to think about that. She looked at the rest of the
Legion. They seemed to be in a
kind of daze as if they weren't sure what was happening. And then she
loudly said, "WikiSentry!
There is only one of you and you are right next to me!" Every single WikiSentry in the world
disappeared except for the one next to Lady Ripper.
"You're an indestructible huge TV with VCR that can easily catch and
play any VIDEO TAPE WITHOUT --
ANY --PROBLEM!! And your editing is locked for everyone without
exception for the next Hour!" And
WikiSentry became an indestructible huge TV with VCR that could easily
catch and play any video tape
without any problem.
And with that done -- Lady Ripper -- gyrated her hips and launched her
legs right into the air. And
she began spinning through the room like a hurricane.
"...And it's a Graveyard SMASH..."
There was huge tremor and a large crack began racing across the floor
of The Headquarters towards
the Crystal Skull Throne. Pretty much all of rest of the Legion were
still in daze from the blaring
Bobby Pickett song and flashing lights -- except for The Righteous
Inquisitor who realized what she
was trying to do and aimed his trident at Lady Ripper's legs. "Stop, Treacherous WHORE! STOP!!!!
"...it's caught on in a flash!"
The Lord of Fear stopped his screaming and howling as he saw The
Righteous Inquisitor blasting away
at Lady Ripper. "No! DON'T!!!" And he rushed over ripping the
trident away from The Inquisitor.
And then he impaled the trident right into The Inquisitor's heart with
a face filled with wrath.
The Righteous Inquisitor had a look of sad confusion on his face --
and silently mouthed the word,
'Why?' right before his revampire body burst into a pile of dust and bones.
Lady Ripper was in terrible pain and couldn't dance any more. She
could feel that she wasn't long
for this world. But with what life she still had left, she crawled
her way toward towards the
Crystal Skull Throne that had by now been split into two. She could
see the tape in the chasm
between the two parts and she grabbed at it. And she threw it into the air.
And even though it was a rather weak throw, The WikiSentry could sense
it and shot out a mechanical
tentacle with a baseball glove on it that easily caught it and quickly
recoiled it back. And then
it easily shoved it right into its slot door. And it began.
That VHS Bootleg Copy of the Namer Boy Documentary Project -- began to
play. And nothing (at least
in this Universe) was going to stop it. Nothing.
The Lord of Fear cradled Lady Ripper's body. "Can't... Can't...
feel..." she started to say. Her
lower body had been completely burned away. And the burning wasn't
stopping. Eventually it would
reach her revampire heart. And that would be it.
Tears began to well out of the Lord of Fear's face. "God, Tara... why
did you... why did you have
to...?"
"Is some... sometheen... happ... happuh...?"
The Lord of Fear turned his head toward the WikiSentry TV/VCR.
Various members of Legion had
started to attack it with powers -- with weapons, but to no avail. It
was indestructible. Some of
the hacker Legion members tried to override the Edit lock -- but they
weren't getting anywhere
either.
And the rest just stared helplessly at the TV as if their legs didn't
work anymore. Just waiting.
And a black and white parakeet wearing a tiny witch hat appeared to
flutter around on the screen.
It had a ghostly look. It started to peck and peck at the screen.
And the pecking became more and
more violent. Most of the Legion weren't aware of what that thing
was. There was only one person
that really knew what it was -- who had met it once. And there was a
bit of nervous excitement on
the Beast Slayer's face as the parakeet emerged from the cracked screen.
He took his fedora off of his bald head. He could see it flapping
towards him -- and he knew he
couldn't stop it this time. He had already killed it years ago. He
looked at his brown fedora with
a number of candy corn colored feathers wrapped around the hat's band.
He felt an awful chill in
his body as the ghost of Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet flew
right into his stomach. And
then he clutched himself as he fell down to his knees.
And he felt probably that same feeling that the Titan Kronos had when
he realized that all of the
children he had gobbled up weren't going to stay neatly put in that
belly of his. Nope. They were
going to return. All of them. ALL -- OF -- THEM!
The Beast Slayer began to heave and retch. And then a geyser of blood
and bile shot out of his
mouth giving birth to a baby Komodo Dragon wearing a tiny baby blood
stained Easter Bonnet. And
then more came. A baby kitten. A baby Beaver. A baby Ferret. And
more and more and more.
Spewing and hurling them all out of his throat -- he began to think
that maybe eating the flesh of
all of those Holiday Miracle Pets hadn't been the brightest of ideas.
Still -- there was something
so beautiful about them. He had missed that terrible beauty.
The Lord of Fear watched helplessly as these tiny baby holiday miracle
pets were racing through the
Throne Room -- leaving traces of cartoon like hearts, fireworks, and
four leaf clovers as they
zipped around. He could hear someone scream, "This must be all taking
place on Holiday Miracle Pet
Week! That's the only way ANY of this makes any sense!!!!!" Reality
began to break down.
This was their world now. No more room for the glowing crystal skulls.
And as if preparing for whatever Judgment that was about to come, The
Lord of Fear closed his eyes.
He held the dusty bones of Lady Ripper close to him.
And he waited.
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And then something...
...something changed.
He could smell something that he hadn't smelled in years. Pumpkin?
Pumpkin Spice?
A Pumpkin Spice Latte?!
He rolled his tongue around in his mouth. His fangs were gone.
And finally, he opened his eyes. He was sitting at a table outdoors
outside a Cafe -- there was big
glass mug filled with pumpkin spice latte and whip cream. And he
could see The City around him...
like it had been when it was Net.ropolis. Back before the...
And sitting opposite of him right at that same table was...
"Tara?"
"God. Did all that... was any of that...?" Tara Shreds had a very
upset look on her face.
"Tara?"
"Sorry... need to..." She digged her phone from her purse and began
pushing some buttons on it.
"Hello? Oh, god! Suzy? Is that really you?!" Tara's eyes began to
well up. "God... wish I was
there so I could give you the biggest hug that... Yes yes yes...
Mommy's all right! Just... Is
Daddy there? Put Daddy on the phone? Tony? Is that you? Oh
godgod... Thought I would never ever
hear... Yes, I'm okay! I know I'm sounding crazy. Something very
weird happened to me... and...
and... can't talk about it here... will... where am I? Just downtown.
I was... umm... shopping...
yeah. I'm glad... glad you're alive. I'm glad the kids... are alive.
I'm glad..." She sniffed
her nose, "Okay, yeah... be home in a little while... yeah, bye..."
And as Felix Landers watched her make that call it occurred to him
that he needed to make one too.
"Multi-Tasking Man? There's a situation. Need to know where Bad
Timing Boy is. What? Casualty
Ward? Some parakeet brutally attacked him? Good. That's good... err
I mean not not that that's
good... hopefully he has a umm... a quick recovery... yeah, quick
recovery of course. Yeah, just
make sure he's nowhere near the The Bad Timing Boy (and Bad Judgment
Boy) Can-Never-Ever-Ever-Ever-
Ever-Ever-Ever-EVER-Be-Allowed-Into-This-Room Room. Yes. And make
sure no one is in that room. No
one. Just lock it down. Lock It Down. Yeah, I'll explain when I get
back to Headquarters. Yes.
Uhuh. Will do." And he clicked his communi... comm.thingee off.
"What -- what happened?" said Tara looking at Felix.
"I think -- I think time travel maybe. One of the miracle pets went
back in time and stopped...
stopped Bad Timing Boy from starting the bomb. So so no bomb going
off... everything's -- normal.
Everything's... All that revampire stuff never happened. An Elsewhirl
-- I guess."
"So why -- why do we remember it? Also I wasn't getting a pumpkin
spice latte with you when it
happened."
"Yeah, I don't know. I guess maybe so we could take care of that Bomb
so it never ever blows up?
Perhaps that's why. And... and I don't why we're both here having
some pumpkin spice lattes."
There was a bit of silence. "It's... it's been a long time, Tara."
"Yeah. Yeah, it has. Well, unless you count all of that stuff when
we were members of The Legion
of Night Hellmasters."
"Right," Felix let out an awkward chuckle.
"Yeah, a long time. I mean I always meant to... you know... visit.
It's just... crazy shit always
happens there. And that place -- just tons of traumatic memories."
"I know. Don't like thinking about that time. Or even thinking about
the color Beige. Really,
really hate that color."
Tara laughed.
"So... so, you're married... you got kids?"
"Yeah. Yeah. They're... great. Wanted to invite you to the
wedding... but... you know...
Superheroes and Weddings. But -- Tony's great. You'd like him. Kids
are amazing. Sometimes it's
-- it's difficult, but I wouldn't trade it for anything."
"I'm glad -- glad for you."
"How about... how about you? Anyone special?"
"Well, there was this something -- in an alternate world. Kind of
complicated -- kind of weird, I
don't know... can't really... ummm... it's kind of awkward to talk
about..." Felix's face had a
slight blush.
"It's okay. You don't need to explain it." She placed her hand on
his hand in a comforting way.
"You'll find your happiness someday. You're a good guy, Felix."
"Am I?" He looked away from her. "Was that me in that other world --
was that a good guy?"
"Maybe -- maybe we were being influenced by those Crystal Skulls..."
"Yeah, maybe. But the scary thing is -- I could rationalize all of my
actions there as some
necessary evil -- things that needed to be done to protect... protect
the status quo. That's...
that's the scary thing. Maybe I felt I was doing the right thing. Maybe I..."
"Could be -- could be that's why we're being forced to remember all of
that stuff that we did.
Maybe we could have made different choices -- that's what they're
trying to tell us. Maybe we
didn't have to become monsters -- or if we had to become monsters --
maybe we didn't have to become
terrible monsters. I -- I don't know. I don't... God, glad I'm an
ordinary person again. Don't
have to think about..." She snorted out a laugh. "I think I'm
finally cured of ever wanting to be
Ripping Dancer."
"Maybe that's what I need to do. Become an ordinary person. Maybe
open a bait and tackle shop in
like Montana or something..."
Tara shook her head while letting out a snicker. "No. That's...
that's not you. You're not
going to do that. This is what you do. You're going to keep saving
the world. And you're going
to keep doing that till you... till you..." And she paused. She
fished in her purse for a tissue
-- blew her nose and then wiped her eyes a bit.
"Yeah, guess you're right. Guess that's my lot in life."
"God, the time. Got to get back and... need to..."
"Yeah. I know. It was good seeing you, Tara." And they both got up
from their chairs. And
there was hug. A very long hug.
"Oh, these damn tears!" she said laughing a bit while sniffling as she
wiped her eyes again with
another tissue. "You're going to have to come and see the house.
We'll have some dinner. You'll
see Tony and the kids... you'll -- You're going to like them. And
they've never seen an actual
superhero. You'll be the first superhero that they've ever..."
"No, Tara. You're wrong about that. They have seen a superhero. They have."
And Tara had a slight embarrassed look on her face. "You'll come?"
"Yeah. Would love to. Sounds like a plan. We'll do it."
And they gave each other another hug. And then they said their
goodbyes. And then Felix Landers
sat down and watched as Tara Shreds walked away. Walking and
disappearing into the Net.ropolis
crowd.
And then he noticed his comm.thingee light was flashing. Another
emergency probably. He put it
near his ear. "Yes? What? Bartels Boulevard? Petrified fossil? A Sabertooth? And bones
of...? And some colorful tiny city all over that...? With some tiny
sentient creatures about the
size of gnats? Like fairies with -- with neon wings? You're... Are
you sure about this? You're
seeing this?" And then he just paused for a bit. "Yeah, I'm still
here. I'm -- Look, just...
have the road shut down and..." Another long pause. "Just let it be.
Yes. Just let it be.
Yeah, I'm all right. I'm fine. We'll -- we'll wait -- let's just see
what happens. Yeah..."
And then he shut his comm.thingee down.
And then he just quietly looked at Net.ropolis. There were a bunch of
young kids in various
Halloween costumes walking fast down the sidewalk -- with their bags
and buckets. Witches.
Ghosts. Goblins. Revampires. All ready for some heavy duty
trick-or-treating action.
And he took one of the napkins next to his still untouched Pumpkin
Spice Latte and wiped his eyes
with it.
And then he smiled.
\\
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| ^^ \/ ^^ |
\ \_.__._/ /
`'-.......-'`
Credits:
Bad Timing Boy is Vernon H. Harmon's
Crypto Currency RECAPPER (Kid Recap) is Josh Geurink's
Righteous Inquisitor (Self-Righteous Preacher), Cannon Fodder,
Stater (Sister-State-The-Obvious) are Raymond "wReam" Bingham's
Coward Lad is Cory Smith and Amabel Holland's
WikiSentinel (WikiBoy) is Amabel Holland's
Lord of Fear (Fearless Leader) is Dave Van Domelen's
Charlie Sheen is (Joke About His Parents Here)
FIN FANFIC FOOM is Saxon Brenton's
Easily-Discovered Van is Rob Roger's
Dr. Stahmpeurstein
(Made up of: Dr. Stomper is T. M. Neeck's
Deductive Logic Man is wReam's
Organic Lass is Rebecca Drayer's
Contraption Man is (Unknown's)
Can-Handle-Any-Type-of-Change-Except-for-
the-Ultimate-Ninja-Wearing-a-Cape Lad is mine
Multi-Tasking Man is Jeff Coleburn's
Time Evacuator (Time Crapper IV) is Saxon Brenton and Rob Rogers
Cleaner (Squeaky Clean) is (Unknown's)
Breaker (Can't Get a Break at the Lights, Man) is Rob Rogers
Knifer (Knife Fight Dude) is mine
Countdown (ha don't know)
Cooker (Steak and Potatoes Man) is John "uplink" Scheibeler's
Crasher (ha don't know)
Hitter (ha don't know)
Grimmer (Grim) and
Gritter (Gritty) are Jeff "Drizzt" Barnes's
Beatdown (You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad) is mine
Rocker (ha don't know)
Puller (Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad) is mine
Jacker (ha don't know)
Holiday Miracle Pets:
Borscht the Passover Miracle Wombat is Rob Rogers's
Chard the Wiggle-Your-Toes Day Miracle Sperm Whale is...
(Wait. Did I create this character? I can't believe
that... No. Someone else
must have... But who?!)
Habanero the Fourth of July Miracle Cat is Rob Rogers, Scott
Eiler, Saxon Brenton, and mine.
Limabean the Richtofen's Birthday Miracle Beagle (aka the Devil
Dog) is Scott Eiler's
Cabbage the St. Patrick's Day Miracle Ferret
Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon
Parsnip the Christmas Miracle Maggot
Radish the Valentine's Day Miracle Beaver
Yam the Thanksgiving Day Miracle Yak
Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet are mine
Namer Boy
Lady Ripper (Ripping Dancer)
Namer Boy II (Huck Dolluhrind)
Binky the Sabertooth
Mr. Chainsaw Guy
Irony Maiden (Commie-In-A-Metal-Suit)
Beast Slayer (Holiday-Miracle-Pet Catcher)
Wall Street Reading Werewolf are also all mine
Monster Mash Song is Bobby Pickett & Leonard Capizzi's
That Pumpkin ASCII drawing I stole off the internet --
Not quite sure, but it had the initials lbd on it.
Writer's Notes:
And so another Holiday Miracle Pet Four Issue Miniseries has finished.
Man, this one was kind of a struggle to write. Writing prose seems to
be getting
more and more difficult for me. But I did manage to finish it.
Kind of wish it would've been funnier. I mean back in 2019 when I was
doing the first
one -- I was thinking about how if I did a last one of these I'd set
it in some type of
Apocalypse setting (Ha!). And then you know 2020 came and the whole
idea of an Apocalypse
got less and less funny as all that horrible stuff was happening and
the world seemed to
be headed into some End of Times direction. Also had tons of ideas
for what if the LNH
make this horrible authoritarian type team. So this is me working out
some of that stuff.
Kind of nice writing Ripping Dancer one more time and sort of giving
some closure to that
all Fearless Leader/Ripping Dancer storyline.
Is this an Elsewhirl? Who knows. I guess the beginning and the
ending all take place in
continuity. And I assume everything returns to the way it was at the
end ignoring some
characters having memories of this Alternate Timeline and the
sabertooth fossil city that some
how also got transferred to the mail timeline. (And I assume both
Binky and Charlie Sheen
are fine in the main timeline.)
So, do I have any plans for more LNH stories in the future? Possibly.
Did have this idea
for JONG Elsewhirl. Maybe I'll do that next year -- if I can bring
myself to do any more
prose writing.
Anything else to say? Guess not...
\\
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/ /\ __ /\ \
| ^^ \/ ^^ |
\ \_.__._/ /
`'-.......-'`
"And well -- guess that's it for this season of the Namer Boy:
Documentary Project! But don't
worry -- next season is going to be super... Oh, wait. Got a call."
Namer Boy placed his phone
near his ear. "Hey, USENETflix! What's up? Uhuh, yeah. What?!
Wait wait wait! You can't
cancel it! Yes, yes -- I know you're USENETflix so you can cancel it,
but -- look, I've got
these great plans for the next season! Just hear me out -- Imagine:
Me, Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats
Lad, You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad all going canoeing!
Canoeing in say like -- I dunno
-- the back woods of northern Georgia -- or something. Maybe I'm like
learning how to play like
-- the banjo. Yeah! And maybe we all run into some of hillfolk up
there. And then... Huh? No.
Can't say I've ever watched that movie. Any good? So, no? You're
still cancelling it?!
Really?! Can't change your mind? Hello? Hello? Did you hang up on me?"
Namer Boy sighed as he put his phone down. "Well, bad news, folks.
Guess we're getting
cancelled. So. I guess this means..." He paused for a bit. "We
need to all boycott
USENETflix!! And start signing petitions and writing letters! This
complete injustice to Art
must not stand!! We can do it people!!" Namer Boy pumped both fists
up in that air and started
chanting, "Death to USENETflix! Death to USENETflix! Death to
USENETflix! We're going to do
this!!"
Arthur "Cancelled..." Spitzer
------------------------------
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Part Two
Huck Dolluhrind felt a twinge in his neck. Someone had died. He let out a weary sigh. Oh well.
He knew that was going to happen. He had sent them to be a distraction -- while he did his work
here to try and get The Tape. And he knew they probably weren't going to make it.
Huck was garbed in what looked like a Holocaust Cloak and a backpack strapped to his back as he
marched his way towards the gates of The Headquarters. He held his Job Interview Radish for all of
the zombies, werewolves, ghouls, and other nasty horrifying creatures to all gaze upon as he parted
his way through them like Moses parting the Red Sea. They weren't going to stop him. They knew he
had an interview he needed to get to.
An Interview that he was going to completely ace.
\\
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Lady Ripper looked with surprise as a cloaked elderly black man barged into her room. "What the...?
How did you...?"
"I'm here -- for the job interview," said Huck holding the radish up as he looked at a dark shadowy
part of the room where a shadowy Lady Ripper was standing.
"Oh, right," Lady Ripper said gazing at the radish. "The Job Interview. Yes, we should get..." she
said walking into a more lighted area. Huck's hand with the radish began to drop down in weakness
as he was completely stunned by the incredible beauty of Lady Ripper.
"Oh godgod! Never have I seen -- like if FIN FANFIC FOOM had a much, much shorter twin sister --
with the most luscious of all Dad Bods! God, it's..."
This broke Lady Ripper out of the radish's spell. With a quick dance move, she ripped the radish
from Huck's hand and with another move tore it in half -- destroying whatever power it still had.
And she stared furiously at Huck Dolluhrind. "Who are you and why are you here?! Speak, before I
rip you limb from limb!"
"I'm sorry, Tara..."
Lady Ripper was taken aback. "That name. NEVER -- call me that. She is gone. Dead."
Huck nodded. "I'm Namer Boy. Do you remember me?"
"No, you're not... he was..." Her hand started to shake as memories flashed through her brain.
"Yes, the one who was your teammate -- The Bomb changed him into a zombie. I'm a man that has this
condition that is called Namerboyuhneeen which causes me to occasionally be possessed by the spirit
of Namer Boy allowing me access to all his memories and skills and..."
"Yes, yes -- I know who you are. You're the lunatic terrorist that's trying to overthrow..."
"I'd say Freedom Fighter..."
"Why are you here?"
"I'm here to convince you that you're on the wrong side. I want you to join us. Help us."
Lady Ripper laughed. "That's not going to happen. What -- are you thinking because of all those
times I betrayed the Legion in the past -- that I might do it one more time just for the heck of it?
Crazy."
"Maybe you're right. Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe you're okay with purging every single goofy or
silly person. Is that it? You're fine with all of this? You can justify all of this?"
"I -- I don't..." Lady Ripper had a pained look on her face. "I wish there was another..."
"There can be. You just need to help me!"
"What do you -- what is your plan?"
"We need you to take out Fearless -- The Lord of Fear -- with this." He took off the backpack he
had been wearing and got this big mysterious box out of it. "Here. Open it."
She cautiously while holding her breath opened the lid up slightly. "Oh god! That's..." She
quickly closed the lid.
"Yes. And there's a tape -- it's buried under the throne made from the crystal skulls in the Throne
Room. You know what I'm talking about?"
"Yes. We tried to destroy it, but for some reason -- it couldn't be destroyed. So we buried it.
There's something horrible on that tape -- that if you watch it -- it will destroy you. Is that
your plan? You want to unleash that horror on the Legion? You want to destroy the Legion?!"
"Maybe the only way to save the world is to destroy the Legion."
"I see. Okay. I guess you did make a mistake," she said as she did a couple of dance moves. Huck
Dolluhrind screamed in pain as those moves caused his bones in his legs to tear and he collapsed to
the floor. "Yes, the Legion is evil and doing all kinds of evil. You're right about that. But
they do keep this world from descending into complete chaos. So, evil though it maybe -- it is a
necessary evil. Guards! There's an intruder! Careful! He's dangerous."
And as couple of WikiSentinels carted Huck away, Lady Ripping looked at the box he had given her.
And she moved the box away to one of her secret safe places.
\\
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"Tasha! Are you out of your -- I wanted him alive!" shouted The Lord of Fear into his wrist
communicator. "Stand down!"
Irony Maiden shook her head. "We need to stop playing games with these terrorist svolochi. We need
to end all of this. Eliminate every single one of them!" Irony began to crackle from her metal
hands.
"No. You're not to take any more action! That's an order!" The Lord of Fear gave a furious glare.
"You're dismissed. Go back to Headquarters!"
As the Legion were arguing among themselves, the remaining members of The Opposition made their way
out of the Van. Mr. Chainsaw Guy scanned the road for any loose manhole lids and seeing one edged
his way towards it. And Binky? Binky just stared at the blood splatter that once been his best
friend -- his best lover -- his best toxic pain in the ass maniac that was going to just send his
life spiraling out of control that he should have broken up with years ago. Charlie. Binky closed
his eyes as a tear ran down his furry cheek. And then he opened his eyes again -- and there was
just rage. A blinding rage that glowed a bright red.
"Wait, does that sabertooth have... Tasha! Get out of there!! GET..." shouted The Lord of Fear
into his wrist communicator.
Natasha Tolstoy -- who had once been the Irony Man villain Commie-In-A-Metal-Suit -- and after The
Bomb had gone off -- joined the Legion as the newest incarnation of Irony Man -- Irony Maiden,
looked back with an irritated annoyance at The Lord of Fear. What was the American being hysterical
about now? Then she could hear all of her suits warning systems start to beep like crazy.
Something hotter than a Supernova was burning its way through the suit. All of the suits
protections were beginning to fail. And then the suit began to feel like an out of control oven.
Then the burning started.
Mr. Chainsaw Guy watched as a red hot beam blazed out of Binky's eyes barbecuing the Irony Maiden's
suit. Various WikiSentinels sacrificed their lives trying to stop the beam, but to no avail -- the
beam just burned through all of them. As Mr. Chainsaw guy pried open one of the manholes while
everyone ignored him, he thought to himself -- Probably a good time to make an exit.
More members of the Legion started attacking -- and were shrugged away like flies. Whatever had
been keeping Irony Maiden's glowing white suit floating in the air no longer worked. And Irony
Maiden plummeted to the ground becoming a smoking crater. Assuming she had managed to survive being
burned alive -- assuming she managed to survive the crash, which seemed unlikely -- but if she had
-- then having a crazed superpowered sabertooth tear her melted suit limb to limb probably hammered
the final nail.
"Jesus. What is that thing?" asked The Lord of Fear.
Dr. Stahmpeurstein looked intently at his scanner. "Hmm. That is -- peculiar. The sabertooth's
DNA is Dvorakian -- and it's been altered by the Glory Virus."
"Wait -- the Glory Virus? Doesn't that kill Dvorakians after a week or so?"
"Usually -- there have been rare instances in the past where some survived being infected."
The Lord of Fear scowled. "So, we're dealing with a sabertooth that can break planets -- blow out
stars. And now it's very angry. It's going to lay waste to Netrop... um... The City. It's going
to... How are we going to stop this thing? Does it have any weaknesses?"
"Do Dvorakians die of old age?" said a voice that suddenly appeared from nowhere. And a very foul
stench also made its presence known. The Lord of Fear wrinkled his nose -- damn these super senses
-- as he looked at the flickering image of The Time Evacuator -- formerly one of Vector Prime clones
that had gone off to greater things.
"Yes," said Dr. Stahmpeurstien running his finger through the data. "Over 500 years long for some
-- although who knows how one infected by the Glory Virus would..."
The Time Evacuator nodded and raised her hands as they began to crackle with time energy.
"No, wait WAIT!" said The Lord of Fear as if it had dawned on him what she was about to do. But she
wasn't listening. She hurled a bubble of time at Binky and all of the Legion members that were
still attempting to fight him. And she did her best to contain the bubble to that one spot even as
she felt some great force trying claw and bite its way out. But in the end she prevailed. And when
she could feel nothing trying to escape, she let the bubble dissipate. Only minutes had happened
outside the bubble -- but inside it? Millions of years had passed. There was some strange colorful
city that had formed on the petrified remains of Binky's skeleton and the various bones of the
Legion members that had been fighting him. These tiny gnat sized creatures fluttered around this
small city -- their wings glowed like neon.
The Lord of Fear made his way down to the road to inspect all this. "What should we do with this?"
a Legion member by the name of Cleaner said nervously.
Lord of Fear sighed. Sometimes, he wished another person were making all of these decisions. Part
of him just wanted to let this thing be. To just ignore it and let it be. But this thing could be
dangerous. It could threaten everything. Sometime you just had to make a choice.
"Eradicate it," said The Lord of Fear in a cold voice. "Make sure nothing survives."
Because someone had to save the world.
\\
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/ /\ __ /\ \
| ^^ \/ ^^ |
\ \_.__._/ /
`'-.......-'`
There was a man with a five o'clock shadow that had boots that were made from Komodo Dragon skin.
He had a fur coat that had various animal pelts and skins. Ferret. Cat. Beaver. Wombat. Beagle.
Yak. Sperm Whale. And a number of others. All stitched together. He took a swig from a silver
flask and looked at the various pictures of deceased Legion members that they had lost yesterday.
They should have called him in. He would have been able to handle that Beast. Had he not hunted
down and dispatched all the others? And this Animal didn't even have the astounding miracle powers
that they did.
He remembered the final battle he had with the last of those Miracle Beasts. It was the Maggot. On
a melting iceberg close to the North Pole -- that's where it had been. That was actually a pretty
easy battle as if the Beast didn't have its heart in it. Maybe it didn't want to live in world
without all of the others. Perhaps. He rubbed his amber amulet that he wore around his neck. He
could see the lifeless corpse of that Maggot trapped forever in it. Sometimes he almost missed
them. His desire to destroy them all gave his life some type of meaning. He was The Beast Slayer.
And now -- there were no more Beasts to slay. He gave a heavy sigh and took another swig.
He turned his head and looked as the Legion's Throne Room became more and more crowded as more and
more members began to arrive. He didn't want to be here for whatever this was -- which most likely
was going to be some very boring speech from The Lord of Fear. He looked at the center of the room.
There an elderly black man very badly bruised that was shackled to a Saltire Cross decorated with
various glowing crystal skulls. The head terrorist himself. Namer Boy. Various chatting among the
members began to drown the room.
But then everyone hushed up.
The Lord of Fear had finally arrive.
\\
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`'-.......-'`
"Too many good people died Yesterday," said The Lord of Fear with a solemn expression on his face.
"You know their names. Breaker. Knifer. Countdown. Cooker. Crasher. Hitter. Grimmer.
Gritter. Beatdown. Rocker. Puller. Jacker." He paused a for a moment. "And Maiden. They gave
their lives for us. For this World." And another long pause. "And it could have been much worse
if not for Evacuator's quick thinking." A number of claps from people. "Yeah. She did good." He
joined with the clappers. "But as tragic as Yesterday was -- we might be finely near the end of
this Nightmare. Yes, finely. Thanks to my wife," he gestured towards Lady Ripper who had a very
uncomfortable look on her face. "She helped take down this..." He stared coldly at Huck
Dolluhrind. "This man. Leader of these insurgents. Of these killers.
"But I'm not here for vengeance and retaliation. I'm here to plead for an end to this madness. I'm
here to plead to you -- Namer..." There was bit of pause as if he was really uncomfortable saying
the rest of the name. "...Boy. We can both end this. Give me all the info on all the rest of your
group. You and all your members that are still alive still have chance -- a chance to return to
side of good. To be forgiven for all your sins."
"Really?" laughed Huck while wincing in pain. "Is brutally beating the shit out of an elderly black
man chained to a wall -- is that what qualifies as good these days?"
"If there was excessive force used..."
"If?" Huck opened his mouth wide open as if to show all the gaps where teeth used to be. "But no
-- let's not delude ourselves here. This is never going to end. Even if I were to submit and
betray everyone and they submitted -- that would never satisfy you. There will always be the
goofiness and silliness that you can't squash away. Eventually you'll see it lurking in everyone
around you -- and I'm surprised you can't see it right now.
"I mean look at the Preacher -- with his hairless monks -- eyebrows and pubic hair all shaved away.
And that silly, ridiculous hat he's always wearing." The Righteous Inquisitor scowled as if that
remark hit a bit too close to home. "And is the Time Evacuator anymore serious than the Time
Crapper? Is the Beast Slayer somehow less goofy than the Holiday Miracle Pet Catcher? How about
that werewolf over there smoking a pipe while reading the Wall Street Journal? How is that not
completely ridiculous?!!" The werewolf with a very self conscious look on his face as he became
aware that everyone was looking at him slowly moved the paper upwards till it was completely hiding
his face.
"I suppose The Lord of Fear is actually a really appropriate name for you -- because that's all you
do. You Fear. That's your religion. You Fear Everyone. You Fear Anything That Could Change This
World. You Fear It All. So destroy me. Destroy whatever is left of my group -- doesn't matter.
You're always going to need an enemy. It is never going to end." Huck looked down. "Do your
worst."
The Lord of Fear frowned. "Very well." He gestured to the Righteous Inquisitor whose trident began
to glow.
And then a loud blaring noise exploded from the speakers. At first it sounded like a creaking door
and then some bubbling sounds followed by a drum. And then some goofy sounding music like from the
early 60s. And singing.
'I was working in my lab -- late one night
when my eyes beheld an eyrie sight...'
And then the whole room darkened with only colorful strobe lights stabbing any brightness into it.
'...And suddenly to my surprise..."
"What the Hell...?" said The Lord of Fear quickly scanning the ceiling.
'...He did the MASH!'
And then some incredibly large hulking man wearing a Namer Boy mask entered the Throne Room. In one
hand he had this strange looking box. And in the other -- he had a chainsaw. The chainsaw wielding
man's eyes swept the room and when he realized that there didn't seem to be any horny college kids
-- he sighed a disappointed sigh. And then he hurled the strange mysterious box at Lady Ripper.
And with a savage yank of the chainsaw's cord -- the Chainsaw he was holding became alive. And he
raised that roaring chainsaw up. And Everything felt like it was in slow motion.
The Lord of Fear glanced uneasily at the box Lady Ripper had caught. What was in that -- a bomb
maybe? No. Dancer can handle it. Got to... And then he flew into the air with guns a blazing at
the chainsaw guy.
Lady Ripper looked at the box and then she looked at Huck Dolluhrind who had this pleading look on
his face -- to do something. Anything. Please. And she looked back at the box. And then at The
Lord of Fear. The bullets hadn't done any good and now Felix was wrestling with the chainsaw guy
for control of the chainsaw. No. He was right. This was never going to end. They were going to
purge and purge. And it would never stop -- because no one was ever going to be serious enough for
this world. It was just going to... and she began to walk.
There had to be change.
The Lord of Fear grabbed at the Namer Boy mask -- and that was the one thing that the chainsaw guy
wouldn't tolerate. He used both of his hands to protect the mask -- letting go of the chainsaw.
The Lord of Fear quickly snatched the chainsaw with both hands and began to ferociously stab away at
the Namer Boy masked man with it. Like some insane butcher he sawed and sawed away -- as blood
sprayed all over his face and body. There was an intense hatred in The Lord of Fear's eyes and a
frustration. He should be dead by now -- but this thing just refused... just refused to go gently
in the night. And then he heard a voice. "I'm sorry..."
He turned his head. And there was Lady Ripper pulling something out of box and placing it on his
head. Something that burned. The Lord of Fear screamed a ghastly scream as he tried to pull it off
burning his fingers badly. And he screamed some more.
The Carmen Miranda Hat would not be removed.
Lady Ripper felt a slight bit of guilt as Felix howled in agony from the fruit covered hat. But she
didn't have time to think about that. She looked at the rest of the Legion. They seemed to be in a
kind of daze as if they weren't sure what was happening. And then she loudly said, "WikiSentry!
There is only one of you and you are right next to me!" Every single WikiSentry in the world
disappeared except for the one next to Lady Ripper.
"You're an indestructible huge TV with VCR that can easily catch and play any VIDEO TAPE WITHOUT --
ANY --PROBLEM!! And your editing is locked for everyone without exception for the next Hour!" And
WikiSentry became an indestructible huge TV with VCR that could easily catch and play any video tape
without any problem.
And with that done -- Lady Ripper -- gyrated her hips and launched her legs right into the air. And
she began spinning through the room like a hurricane.
"...And it's a Graveyard SMASH..."
There was huge tremor and a large crack began racing across the floor of The Headquarters towards
the Crystal Skull Throne. Pretty much all of rest of the Legion were still in daze from the blaring
Bobby Pickett song and flashing lights -- except for The Righteous Inquisitor who realized what she
was trying to do and aimed his trident at Lady Ripper's legs. "Stop, Treacherous WHORE! STOP!!!!
"...it's caught on in a flash!"
The Lord of Fear stopped his screaming and howling as he saw The Righteous Inquisitor blasting away
at Lady Ripper. "No! DON'T!!!" And he rushed over ripping the trident away from The Inquisitor.
And then he impaled the trident right into The Inquisitor's heart with a face filled with wrath.
The Righteous Inquisitor had a look of sad confusion on his face -- and silently mouthed the word,
'Why?' right before his revampire body burst into a pile of dust and bones.
Lady Ripper was in terrible pain and couldn't dance any more. She could feel that she wasn't long
for this world. But with what life she still had left, she crawled her way toward towards the
Crystal Skull Throne that had by now been split into two. She could see the tape in the chasm
between the two parts and she grabbed at it. And she threw it into the air.
And even though it was a rather weak throw, The WikiSentry could sense it and shot out a mechanical
tentacle with a baseball glove on it that easily caught it and quickly recoiled it back. And then
it easily shoved it right into its slot door. And it began.
That VHS Bootleg Copy of the Namer Boy Documentary Project -- began to play. And nothing (at least
in this Universe) was going to stop it. Nothing.
The Lord of Fear cradled Lady Ripper's body. "Can't... Can't... feel..." she started to say. Her
lower body had been completely burned away. And the burning wasn't stopping. Eventually it would
reach her revampire heart. And that would be it.
Tears began to well out of the Lord of Fear's face. "God, Tara... why did you... why did you have
to...?"
"Is some... sometheen... happ... happuh...?"
The Lord of Fear turned his head toward the WikiSentry TV/VCR. Various members of Legion had
started to attack it with powers -- with weapons, but to no avail. It was indestructible. Some of
the hacker Legion members tried to override the Edit lock -- but they weren't getting anywhere
either.
And the rest just stared helplessly at the TV as if their legs didn't work anymore. Just waiting.
And a black and white parakeet wearing a tiny witch hat appeared to flutter around on the screen.
It had a ghostly look. It started to peck and peck at the screen. And the pecking became more and
more violent. Most of the Legion weren't aware of what that thing was. There was only one person
that really knew what it was -- who had met it once. And there was a bit of nervous excitement on
the Beast Slayer's face as the parakeet emerged from the cracked screen.
He took his fedora off of his bald head. He could see it flapping towards him -- and he knew he
couldn't stop it this time. He had already killed it years ago. He looked at his brown fedora with
a number of candy corn colored feathers wrapped around the hat's band. He felt an awful chill in
his body as the ghost of Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet flew right into his stomach. And
then he clutched himself as he fell down to his knees.
And he felt probably that same feeling that the Titan Kronos had when he realized that all of the
children he had gobbled up weren't going to stay neatly put in that belly of his. Nope. They were
going to return. All of them. ALL -- OF -- THEM!
The Beast Slayer began to heave and retch. And then a geyser of blood and bile shot out of his
mouth giving birth to a baby Komodo Dragon wearing a tiny baby blood stained Easter Bonnet. And
then more came. A baby kitten. A baby Beaver. A baby Ferret. And more and more and more.
Spewing and hurling them all out of his throat -- he began to think that maybe eating the flesh of
all of those Holiday Miracle Pets hadn't been the brightest of ideas. Still -- there was something
so beautiful about them. He had missed that terrible beauty.
The Lord of Fear watched helplessly as these tiny baby holiday miracle pets were racing through the
Throne Room -- leaving traces of cartoon like hearts, fireworks, and four leaf clovers as they
zipped around. He could hear someone scream, "This must be all taking place on Holiday Miracle Pet
Week! That's the only way ANY of this makes any sense!!!!!" Reality began to break down.
This was their world now. No more room for the glowing crystal skulls.
And as if preparing for whatever Judgment that was about to come, The Lord of Fear closed his eyes.
He held the dusty bones of Lady Ripper close to him.
And he waited.
\\
.-'```^```'-.
/ /\ __ /\ \
| ^^ \/ ^^ |
\ \_.__._/ /
`'-.......-'`
And then something...
...something changed.
He could smell something that he hadn't smelled in years. Pumpkin? Pumpkin Spice?
A Pumpkin Spice Latte?!
He rolled his tongue around in his mouth. His fangs were gone.
And finally, he opened his eyes. He was sitting at a table outdoors outside a Cafe -- there was big
glass mug filled with pumpkin spice latte and whip cream. And he could see The City around him...
like it had been when it was Net.ropolis. Back before the...
And sitting opposite of him right at that same table was...
"Tara?"
"God. Did all that... was any of that...?" Tara Shreds had a very upset look on her face.
"Tara?"
"Sorry... need to..." She digged her phone from her purse and began pushing some buttons on it.
"Hello? Oh, god! Suzy? Is that really you?!" Tara's eyes began to well up. "God... wish I was
there so I could give you the biggest hug that... Yes yes yes... Mommy's all right! Just... Is
Daddy there? Put Daddy on the phone? Tony? Is that you? Oh godgod... Thought I would never ever
hear... Yes, I'm okay! I know I'm sounding crazy. Something very weird happened to me... and...
and... can't talk about it here... will... where am I? Just downtown. I was... umm... shopping...
yeah. I'm glad... glad you're alive. I'm glad the kids... are alive. I'm glad..." She sniffed
her nose, "Okay, yeah... be home in a little while... yeah, bye..."
And as Felix Landers watched her make that call it occurred to him that he needed to make one too.
"Multi-Tasking Man? There's a situation. Need to know where Bad Timing Boy is. What? Casualty
Ward? Some parakeet brutally attacked him? Good. That's good... err I mean not not that that's
good... hopefully he has a umm... a quick recovery... yeah, quick recovery of course. Yeah, just
make sure he's nowhere near the The Bad Timing Boy (and Bad Judgment Boy) Can-Never-Ever-Ever-Ever-
Ever-Ever-Ever-EVER-Be-Allowed-Into-This-Room Room. Yes. And make sure no one is in that room. No
one. Just lock it down. Lock It Down. Yeah, I'll explain when I get back to Headquarters. Yes.
Uhuh. Will do." And he clicked his communi... comm.thingee off.
"What -- what happened?" said Tara looking at Felix.
"I think -- I think time travel maybe. One of the miracle pets went back in time and stopped...
stopped Bad Timing Boy from starting the bomb. So so no bomb going off... everything's -- normal.
Everything's... All that revampire stuff never happened. An Elsewhirl -- I guess."
"So why -- why do we remember it? Also I wasn't getting a pumpkin spice latte with you when it
happened."
"Yeah, I don't know. I guess maybe so we could take care of that Bomb so it never ever blows up?
Perhaps that's why. And... and I don't why we're both here having some pumpkin spice lattes."
There was a bit of silence. "It's... it's been a long time, Tara."
"Yeah. Yeah, it has. Well, unless you count all of that stuff when we were members of The Legion
of Night Hellmasters."
"Right," Felix let out an awkward chuckle.
"Yeah, a long time. I mean I always meant to... you know... visit. It's just... crazy shit always
happens there. And that place -- just tons of traumatic memories."
"I know. Don't like thinking about that time. Or even thinking about the color Beige. Really,
really hate that color."
Tara laughed.
"So... so, you're married... you got kids?"
"Yeah. Yeah. They're... great. Wanted to invite you to the wedding... but... you know...
Superheroes and Weddings. But -- Tony's great. You'd like him. Kids are amazing. Sometimes it's
-- it's difficult, but I wouldn't trade it for anything."
"I'm glad -- glad for you."
"How about... how about you? Anyone special?"
"Well, there was this something -- in an alternate world. Kind of complicated -- kind of weird, I
don't know... can't really... ummm... it's kind of awkward to talk about..." Felix's face had a
slight blush.
"It's okay. You don't need to explain it." She placed her hand on his hand in a comforting way.
"You'll find your happiness someday. You're a good guy, Felix."
"Am I?" He looked away from her. "Was that me in that other world -- was that a good guy?"
"Maybe -- maybe we were being influenced by those Crystal Skulls..."
"Yeah, maybe. But the scary thing is -- I could rationalize all of my actions there as some
necessary evil -- things that needed to be done to protect... protect the status quo. That's...
that's the scary thing. Maybe I felt I was doing the right thing. Maybe I..."
"Could be -- could be that's why we're being forced to remember all of that stuff that we did.
Maybe we could have made different choices -- that's what they're trying to tell us. Maybe we
didn't have to become monsters -- or if we had to become monsters -- maybe we didn't have to become
terrible monsters. I -- I don't know. I don't... God, glad I'm an ordinary person again. Don't
have to think about..." She snorted out a laugh. "I think I'm finally cured of ever wanting to be
Ripping Dancer."
"Maybe that's what I need to do. Become an ordinary person. Maybe open a bait and tackle shop in
like Montana or something..."
Tara shook her head while letting out a snicker. "No. That's... that's not you. You're not
going to do that. This is what you do. You're going to keep saving the world. And you're going
to keep doing that till you... till you..." And she paused. She fished in her purse for a tissue
-- blew her nose and then wiped her eyes a bit.
"Yeah, guess you're right. Guess that's my lot in life."
"God, the time. Got to get back and... need to..."
"Yeah. I know. It was good seeing you, Tara." And they both got up from their chairs. And
there was hug. A very long hug.
"Oh, these damn tears!" she said laughing a bit while sniffling as she wiped her eyes again with
another tissue. "You're going to have to come and see the house. We'll have some dinner. You'll
see Tony and the kids... you'll -- You're going to like them. And they've never seen an actual
superhero. You'll be the first superhero that they've ever..."
"No, Tara. You're wrong about that. They have seen a superhero. They have."
And Tara had a slight embarrassed look on her face. "You'll come?"
"Yeah. Would love to. Sounds like a plan. We'll do it."
And they gave each other another hug. And then they said their goodbyes. And then Felix Landers
sat down and watched as Tara Shreds walked away. Walking and disappearing into the Net.ropolis
crowd.
And then he noticed his comm.thingee light was flashing. Another emergency probably. He put it
near his ear. "Yes? What? Bartels Boulevard? Petrified fossil? A Sabertooth? And bones
of...? And some colorful tiny city all over that...? With some tiny sentient creatures about the
size of gnats? Like fairies with -- with neon wings? You're... Are you sure about this? You're
seeing this?" And then he just paused for a bit. "Yeah, I'm still here. I'm -- Look, just...
have the road shut down and..." Another long pause. "Just let it be. Yes. Just let it be.
Yeah, I'm all right. I'm fine. We'll -- we'll wait -- let's just see what happens. Yeah..."
And then he shut his comm.thingee down.
And then he just quietly looked at Net.ropolis. There were a bunch of young kids in various
Halloween costumes walking fast down the sidewalk -- with their bags and buckets. Witches.
Ghosts. Goblins. Revampires. All ready for some heavy duty trick-or-treating action.
And he took one of the napkins next to his still untouched Pumpkin Spice Latte and wiped his eyes
with it.
And then he smiled.
\\
.-'```^```'-.
/ /\ __ /\ \
| ^^ \/ ^^ |
\ \_.__._/ /
`'-.......-'`
Credits:
Bad Timing Boy is Vernon H. Harmon's
Crypto Currency RECAPPER (Kid Recap) is Josh Geurink's
Righteous Inquisitor (Self-Righteous Preacher), Cannon Fodder,
Stater (Sister-State-The-Obvious) are Raymond "wReam" Bingham's
Coward Lad is Cory Smith and Amabel Holland's
WikiSentinel (WikiBoy) is Amabel Holland's
Lord of Fear (Fearless Leader) is Dave Van Domelen's
Charlie Sheen is (Joke About His Parents Here)
FIN FANFIC FOOM is Saxon Brenton's
Easily-Discovered Van is Rob Roger's
Dr. Stahmpeurstein
(Made up of: Dr. Stomper is T. M. Neeck's
Deductive Logic Man is wReam's
Organic Lass is Rebecca Drayer's
Contraption Man is (Unknown's)
Can-Handle-Any-Type-of-Change-Except-for-
the-Ultimate-Ninja-Wearing-a-Cape Lad is mine
Multi-Tasking Man is Jeff Coleburn's
Time Evacuator (Time Crapper IV) is Saxon Brenton and Rob Rogers
Cleaner (Squeaky Clean) is (Unknown's)
Breaker (Can't Get a Break at the Lights, Man) is Rob Rogers
Knifer (Knife Fight Dude) is mine
Countdown (ha don't know)
Cooker (Steak and Potatoes Man) is John "uplink" Scheibeler's Crasher (ha don't know)
Hitter (ha don't know)
Grimmer (Grim) and
Gritter (Gritty) are Jeff "Drizzt" Barnes's
Beatdown (You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad) is mine
Rocker (ha don't know)
Puller (Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad) is mine
Jacker (ha don't know)
Holiday Miracle Pets:
Borscht the Passover Miracle Wombat is Rob Rogers's
Chard the Wiggle-Your-Toes Day Miracle Sperm Whale is...
(Wait. Did I create this character? I can't believe that... No. Someone else
must have... But who?!)
Habanero the Fourth of July Miracle Cat is Rob Rogers, Scott Eiler, Saxon Brenton, and mine.
Limabean the Richtofen's Birthday Miracle Beagle (aka the Devil Dog) is Scott Eiler's
Cabbage the St. Patrick's Day Miracle Ferret
Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon
Parsnip the Christmas Miracle Maggot
Radish the Valentine's Day Miracle Beaver
Yam the Thanksgiving Day Miracle Yak
Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet are mine
Namer Boy
Lady Ripper (Ripping Dancer)
Namer Boy II (Huck Dolluhrind)
Binky the Sabertooth
Mr. Chainsaw Guy
Irony Maiden (Commie-In-A-Metal-Suit)
Beast Slayer (Holiday-Miracle-Pet Catcher)
Wall Street Reading Werewolf are also all mine
Monster Mash Song is Bobby Pickett & Leonard Capizzi's
That Pumpkin ASCII drawing I stole off the internet --
Not quite sure, but it had the initials lbd on it.
Writer's Notes:
And so another Holiday Miracle Pet Four Issue Miniseries has finished.
Man, this one was kind of a struggle to write. Writing prose seems to be getting
more and more difficult for me. But I did manage to finish it.
Kind of wish it would've been funnier. I mean back in 2019 when I was doing the first
one -- I was thinking about how if I did a last one of these I'd set it in some type of
Apocalypse setting (Ha!). And then you know 2020 came and the whole idea of an Apocalypse
got less and less funny as all that horrible stuff was happening and the world seemed to
be headed into some End of Times direction. Also had tons of ideas for what if the LNH
make this horrible authoritarian type team. So this is me working out some of that stuff.
Kind of nice writing Ripping Dancer one more time and sort of giving some closure to that
all Fearless Leader/Ripping Dancer storyline.
Is this an Elsewhirl? Who knows. I guess the beginning and the ending all take place in
continuity. And I assume everything returns to the way it was at the end ignoring some
characters having memories of this Alternate Timeline and the sabertooth fossil city that some
how also got transferred to the mail timeline. (And I assume both Binky and Charlie Sheen
are fine in the main timeline.)
So, do I have any plans for more LNH stories in the future? Possibly. Did have this idea
for JONG Elsewhirl. Maybe I'll do that next year -- if I can bring myself to do any more
prose writing.
Anything else to say? Guess not...
\\
.-'```^```'-.
/ /\ __ /\ \
| ^^ \/ ^^ |
\ \_.__._/ /
`'-.......-'`
"And well -- guess that's it for this season of the Namer Boy: Documentary Project! But don't
worry -- next season is going to be super... Oh, wait. Got a call." Namer Boy placed his phone
near his ear. "Hey, USENETflix! What's up? Uhuh, yeah. What?! Wait wait wait! You can't
cancel it! Yes, yes -- I know you're USENETflix so you can cancel it, but -- look, I've got
these great plans for the next season! Just hear me out -- Imagine: Me, Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats
Lad, You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad all going canoeing! Canoeing in say like -- I dunno
-- the back woods of northern Georgia -- or something. Maybe I'm like learning how to play like
-- the banjo. Yeah! And maybe we all run into some of hillfolk up there. And then... Huh? No.
Can't say I've ever watched that movie. Any good? So, no? You're still cancelling it?!
Really?! Can't change your mind? Hello? Hello? Did you hang up on me?"
Namer Boy sighed as he put his phone down. "Well, bad news, folks. Guess we're getting
cancelled. So. I guess this means..." He paused for a bit. "We need to all boycott
USENETflix!! And start signing petitions and writing letters! This complete injustice to Art
must not stand!! We can do it people!!" Namer Boy pumped both fists up in that air and started
chanting, "Death to USENETflix! Death to USENETflix! Death to USENETflix! We're going to do
this!!"
Arthur "Cancelled..." Spitzer
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