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LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #391: Jungle Cheesecake Part One

From Arthur Spitzer@arspitzer2@gmail.com to rec.arts.comics.creative on Sun Oct 19 20:38:42 2025

From Newsgroup: rec.arts.comics.creative

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And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive
once again.

Here's where you can find this and more Ultimate Ninja
Action!:

https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/Ultimate.Ninja/

And here we have some wReam at his most wReamyest -- It's
Time For Some -- Jungle Cheesecake!

This was a crossover between Raymond "wReam" Bingham and
Martin Phipps (and also maybe Charles FitzGerald and
Hubert Bartels also) -- we have Ultimate Ninja #6 and
LNH v1 #31!

Is it time for Acton Lord to do some churging?! And is
it time for someone to find -- THE DREADED RUNG OF
REVAMP?!!!!!!!!!!!!

Find out in...

_
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \

|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
||
|_| OF NET.HEROES

ADVENTURES #391

=====================
Jungle Cheesecake Part One
=====================

( ---- /^^^^^\ |^^| _______ ) ( )
( | |--- ---- ---/ /^^\___\ | | ___| ) ( )
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( / /\__| |_| | |_ | |_ / /\/ | |_ / /\_|/ \ | |// | |_ | | )
( | | __| _ | _|| _| \ \ | _| | _/ /\ \| \ | _| \/ )
( \ \/ | | | | |__| |__ __ \ \| |__\ \/ |/-- \ |\ \| |__ /\ )
( \____/|__| |__|____|____|\ \_| |____|\___// \_|_| \_\____| \/ )
( ( \___/ ) )
( ) ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( )
( ( ) ) ( ( ( )
(____________)
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| V _|_ /###############\
_\_ \|/ |/_ /\####/|#####/\####\
=\= \|/ |/_ / \##/ \###| \##/ \
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_\\\\\\\\|//__ \// / |/ \
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-/\ \| \__\ / / \ / \/ \ \
-/\ \__\ / / \ / \ \ \
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\/
**\___\* * * **** ** ****** *** \ ***\
/*
* * **" *** \____\** * **** *** * ****** oo ********
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" * " *********** \____\ ****** * *** *** ******* ** ********
*******
" ****** ***** *** * " * * * * * " * " * * " * * * " *
**
" ******************* * * * * * * " " * * * * " * * * " *****
* *
WwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwW wWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwW wWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWw WwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWw

PROLOGUE (from System Corruptors #2)

"Ahhh! The Acolytes of DFANDOM are appeased! Finally Acton Lord has resurfaced. Officially he is back in the running." the head Acolyte
wReamicus Maximus smiled with glee.

wReamicus Maximus faced a small view monitor. Suddenly an unexpected
blip showed across the time scale. wReamatron frowned. "I thought all the Acton Lords had been consolidated into one!"

Clearly the Acton-Indicator(tm) said otherwise. wReamicus hit the
machine viewscreen and it blipped out again. "Stupid glitches! Besides
that
had an essence of wRAL from a different time!" How he could read the Acton-Indicator and get all this info was beyond the rest of the Acolyte's comprehension, after all there was just an stream of ones and zeroes and an occasional blip. wReamicus continued vaguely alluding to something that
will
obviously not be revealed in this episode. "And yet if such a being did exist!? wRAL would not have lived in vain! He would be avenged!"
The group of acolytes burst into joyful song and excitement. wReamicus
Maximus smiled evilly. "It is for the betterment of the overall ACTON! We must find this being that holds the trace of wRAL and bring him here! TO
OUR
YEAR! TO DECIMATE THE LEGION!!!
MUWAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAAAA!!!"

* * * * * *

Acton Lord sat in his current headquarters. Gradgnomes scurried about
his feet. His stomach churned. It wasn't hunger, but that gut feeling that something new was about to happen. Something frighteningly dangerous and somehow he was to be involved.

"GET ME Spy.Sat Monitor!" Acton Lord commanded the Gradgnome Swapnesh.
"Yes Master, I for to be asking your pardon, but I think Spy.Sat was destroyed."
"Then LINK ME in with DRIZZTSAT!!" Acton Lord commanded as if it was
the obvious alternative." Acton Lord churged. (what exactly is churging? well, it's one of those words made by onomato-puweeah person!)
"But I ask pardon of you many times, but it does no follow TCP/IP
protocol."
"SO! I WANT AN UPLINK!" Acton Lord fumed then mumbling to himself he
pulled a monitor to himself and began a global-optimizing trouble search.
"The Brotherhood of Evil Net.Villains is not really any threat. The
Legion is pretty clueless right now. Ummmmm... All these other guys, they seem to be up to nothing threatening." Acton Lord recited the data aloud.

"Wait! What are the Acolytes trying to do!?" Acton Lord murmurred.
"I guess they really are no threat... Maybe..."
"And Sig.Lad is stuck in alt.religion.kibology..." Acton Lord smirked.
"Now there's a place I wouldn't run to no matter what!"

"Everything checks out fine! So what is the trouble!?" Acton Lord
was perplexed.

Manish, another gradgnome walked by and overhearing the trouble
suggested a possible-solution. "Perhaps you got a bad slice." Manish
pointed
to an empty pizza box in the corner.

"NYEAHRG!" Acton Lord wrenched in pain and swinging his arms wildly he
knocked Manish through the lab door. "WHAT IS HAPPENING!?" he cried.

* * * * * * * * * * *

RosterwReam dilligently erased Myk-El's name from the roster and placed
it in the "Deceased villain's list." Contraption Man sat back relaxing and talking.

"So, now that you have found your traitor, what do you suppose you will
do? Return to your own time?" RosterwReam spoke up.
"Oh I don't know. Perhaps. I really ought to go back just to see what
changes I have made while being here." Contraption Man sat back
contemplating
the suggestion.

"What if everything is different!? What will you do then?"
"Well, you guys are the only friends I have, I suppose I will just have
to come back. Why don't you wait by the transdimensional-timesplicing-transmatter for my return signal?" Contraption Man asked RosterwReam.
"OK." RosterwReam and Contraption Man got up and went into the
Monitoring Room. Multi-Tasking Man was making some adjustments on
W.I.L.B.U.R.
playing Net.Trek, Mudding, sending flame-bait mail to wannabe hackers, and toying with ideas about a thesis.
"Hey! Contraption Man! You know LISP?!"
"OH you mean that ancient language used for AI that stands for Lots of Irritating Single Parenthases!?" Contraption Man smiled.
"Yeah, that's the one." MultiTasking Man said excitedly.
"Nah. I use LISP++. It has even more encoded inefficiencies than ever
thought possible! It's a real breakthrough language... OF COURSE, that is
in
the future..." Contraption Man explained.
"Oh." MultiTasking Man went back to debugging his robot.
"We're gonna use the Transdimensional-timesplicing-transmatter for a
second, ok?" RosterwReam said proudly. RosterwReam was slowly learning the ways of hackerdom and took every chance to let people know he was not
computer
illiterate.
"Ok. Whatever, just don't play with the satellite telemetry stuff."

Contraption Man stepped onto the transmat pad and recited the plan.
"Ok I will signal you when I am ready to return. This should be in about 5 seconds from when you return me to the future... In your time. Now in my
time
it could be days or even weeks before I signal you. That is because ..."

"Right right right! I understand the concept and those reader that
don't will just have to deal with it!" chirped RosterwReam. "C/Ya in
five!
RosterwReam turned the knob that needed to be turned and pushed the keys
that
needed to be pushed and rang the bell that needed to ring and ... well you
get
the idea ... and Contraption Man was gone!
About 5 seconds passed and the signal returned to transmat.
RosterwReam turned the know that needed to be turned, etc.
"Contraption Man!?"
The figure was slumped over and weary.

"NOOOO!" RosterwReam ran to the transmat pad. Multi-tasking Man
immediately stopped one of his tasks and over the intercom called for
medical
assistance. "Dr. Stomper, Organic Lass to the Monitoring Room on the
double!"

RosterwReam propped up a weak Contraption Man and tried for an
explanation. All that he could get from the hero was some babblings. "The little task... Oh! THE HORROR! HE'S comingkerghsjataskaniysigheahd..."

Then, for Contraption Man, all was darkness.

(Ultimate Ninja #6 (LNH (C)opyright 1993)

Ultimate Ninja sat and stared at the console in his Ready Room. Things were getting quite complicated and with the smear campaigns that McLaughlin Man
had
started, there was little hope of things getting simpler. His battles with
Dr. Boring had worn on him and one more interruption might push him past
his
limitless control to do something drastic.

"I gotta kill something" UN mumbled to himself. UN rose from his chair
and headed for the exit. Down the hall he passed through the halls
quietly, as
he did everytime he was headed to the PerilRoom. Passing the Monitoring
room,
where Multi-Tasking Man was sitting playing his Net.Trek, reading a novel, three comic books and fiddling with his new armor. RosterwReam was also in
the
room laughing somewhat sadistically and reading news.

"Hey! Ultimate Ninja, there is something here that you ought to look
at." Multi-Tasking Man said effortlessly as he destroyed another Romulan
bird
of Prey, turned a page of his novel, scanned three comic books, activated
his
armor's air conditioning and pointed to a viewscreen monitor. "The Trouble detectors are sorta fluctuating."
"Can it wait? I am on my way to kill something in the PerilRoom."
Ultimate Ninja said impatiently.

"Well yeah." Multi-Tasking Man said, but then switching to the
PerilRoom status board he then pointed (as he did assorted other things too numerous to mention). "But you won't get into the PerilRoom. Ever since
Master Blaster and Occultism Kid discovered the joys of killing each other
in
the Peril Room they have spent most of their time there flaming each other
in
one way or another..."

Thoughts of killing both Occultism Kid and Master Blaster raced through
his mind, but then his feeble conscience caught up with him. Ever since the hasty mistake he made with Net.Star, and the treachery that MacLaughlin Man
had
been stirring up, UN debated alot more with himself before threatening to
kill
his friends. Contrary to what Invisible Incendiary would have liked, no doubt...
"OK, Let me take a look at the Trouble Detectors..." Ultimate Ninja
said with a sigh.

"Well like I said, it is pretty insignificant, but I think it could
develope into something more." Multitasking Man accessed the visual
display on
the Trouble Detectors and up shot an image of a nondescript woman, known to
the
net as Onomato-Puweeha Person. Ultimate Ninja raised an eyebrow, and
looked on
with a yawn.

"How could 'that' be a problem?" Ultimate Ninja said in disbelief.
"She is such an insignificant hero!"
"Well, that is probably why she is seeking to consolidate her powers." Multi-Tasking Man explained. "She is tired of being overlooked, and so it seems that she is seeking the Rung of REVAMP!"
"NO! NOT THE DREADED RUNG OF REVAMP!?" both RosterwReam and Ultimate
Ninja gasped out in chorus, at the same time could be heard down the hall
the
entire LNH in unison.

[Which makes the reader wonder how they all knew about this incredibly threatening relic and yet none of you have NEVER heard of it til now! As if they had known about it all their lives... Sorta like when you watch an
episode
of Star Trek TNG and Captain Picard mentions that ancient basket weaving has ALWAYS been a special interest to him, because it fits the episode, even
though there had never been hint of it in previous episodes! Oh wait a sec!
I
am pulling a MARTIN here! Gotta go get back to the story!]
"Isn't the dreaded Rung Of Revamp shrouded in mystery lost deep in the
Jungles of UTypicgaljnund-glesterdeotaypenam-eek?"
"No, RosterwReam, it is in the jungle of glak, hidden in a volcano,
protected by a powerful cannibal nation. It is rumored to have fallen from
the
sacred latter of Comic success..." Ultimate Ninja corrected. Cannon
Fodder entered the room and somehow knew exactly what they were talking
about.

"Well then why should we worry ourselves that she should get it!?
It seems to me it is either a legend or inobtainable..." Cannon Fodder
entered
the conversation.

"Cannon Fodder!? How did you know what we were talking about!?"
RosterwReam inquired.
"Oh Multitasking Man has had the intercom on for the last hour. It has
been quite humorous to hear him yelling at the Romulans and Orions and
Klingons
and Federation ships." Multitasking Man clicked the intercom off, destroyed
a Klingon scout ship, inserted one of his comics into a plasic cover bag, finished off another chapter in his book, opened his computer notes and
started
doing his homework, activated the tracking device on Onomato-Puweeha
Person's
where-abouts, took a bite of a stale sandwich, and added to the
conversation,
"Well Onomato-Puweeha Person is going to meet with..."

Suddenly all the tracking computers stopped dead.

"There is only one person to which tracking computers are affected so"

"LAGNETO!"

* * * * * * * * * *

"SOOOOO you want to make more of yourself!?" Lagneto looked down upon
the insignificant female, Onomato-Puweeha Person. "Well I get the Rung of REVAMP for you, but you must swear to serve ME!"
Onomato-Puweeah Person nodded. "I wanna be some one."

"Oh my dear, after I am through with you... EVERYONE WILL WANNA BE
YOU!"

Lagneto and Onomato-Puweeah Person laughed in accord.

"HURRY to the LOST CONTINENT! INTO THE JUNGLES OF GLAK!"

* * * * * * * * * *

"Ummm, boss, do you really feel that we are best qualified fro the taskforce?" CheeseCake Eater Lad looked a bit perplexed.
"Of course you are! You all have been trained by me! You should all
be expert in survival skills and Ninja skills... Why you ought to make this easy!" Ultimate Ninja said trying to convince himself he was not crazy.
"Yes Mastersan!" Parking Karma Kid said running to the troop flight
thingy transport. "Bandwagon Chick gets to ride shotgun!"
BandWagon Chick looked a bit flustered, but took the front seat.

CheeseCake Eater Lad and Kid Poetry got onto the FlightThingy
transport
next. Their conversations moved to how making cheesecake could be a type of poetry...
"I can't believe you want ME to go with this bunch of LOSERS!"
Opinionated Lad bellowed... "I am SO PUT OUT!"
Bad-Timing Boy, Procrastination Boy and Cannon Fodder piled on next.
Followed quickly by RosterwReam and finally by TimeWaster Lad.
Deja Dude passed by the boarding party and smiled. "So you are out on
a mission?"
Ultimate Ninja turned and expected criticism. "Yeah. They are, and
there will be NO problems!"
"Oh good. I am sure you have everything under control." he observed
casually, raising an eyebrow as BandWagon Chick slugged Parking Karma Kid
and
the entire vehicle lurched to the left. "I wonder who is the leader?"
"I am! I am the leader!" Cheesecake Eater Lad piped up. Then
realizing that things were somewhat out of control he laid into Parking
Karma
Kid and the other chaos makers. "OK PK KID that is enough of that! WE
HAVE A
MISSION TO DO!"
The Flight.Thingy lifted from the launch pad and headed out of the
docking bay. Ultimate Ninja and Deja Dude looked on skeptically.

"Multitasking Man has outfitted them each with homing devices and the
Flight thingy has a beacon on it..." Ultimate Ninja grinned trying to
comfort
a very skeptical self.

"They couldn't all go out, right?" Deja Dude looked up at the vehicle
as it left view. It lurched to the left and dipped again in the sky.
"uh. right." Ultimate Ninja said in a voice filled with regret. He
had just made a big mistake, he knew it.

* * * * * * * * *

"Stupid computers! They still haven't come on line! I wish I had more
time to get this stupid thing fixed." Multitasking Man cursed.

"Perhaps Contraption Man can help." Ultimate Ninja suggested. "I think
he is still in the medilab, why don't you wheel him in here?"
"HA! You want ME to let Contraption Man look at MY computers!? Are
you sick!?" Multitasking Man said in shock. "He's gone almost completely bonkers after that incident where he went home and then came back. And
when he
was sane he never really helped much?!"
"I don't think he is insane, just recovering from some psychic shock.
He really ought to provide some help." Ultimate Ninja said calmly.
"Ok. I'll transmat him here. Bed and all." Multitasking Man did so
at the same time as a dozen other things...

zzzzzzzzzzwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaapppppppppp!

"get away." Contraption Man babbled. " NO. taskani how could u? keep
waya ergehal"
"Great idea, UN." MultiTasking Man patronized. "I just bet he could
help unlag the system."
"Wait, perhaps I can try emergency medical procedure 1.84a" Ultimate
Ninja said, as he grabbed the delirious Contraption Man by the collar. UN began to slap him in the face. "Snap out of it MAN!" he repeated over and over.

"Uhhhnn." Contraption Man suddenly came online with reality. "What is
going on?"
"Wow. It worked. Just like in the comics." MT-Man said in awe.
"CM you can have your dramatic illusions later, we need you to help fix
the computer systems." Ultimate Ninja instructed.
"Ok. Ummmm. I know just the person to fix the job. It's about time
for his debut. He is RENEGADE PROGRAMMER..." Contraption Man announced.
" no not him." Ultimate Ninja said murmuring.
But before UN could begin his protest Contraption Man went to the transmat
time inducers and began to fiddle with the dials. Then programming the necessary info he said, "Nuthin up my sleeve, Presto!" and turned the
transmat activator. The machine churned to life and the transmat pad
lit brilliantly.

VAAAAAAAZZZZZZAAAAAMMMMMKKKAAAANNGGGGSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

An image appears in the light. As the light died down a confused
looking nondescript portly young man stood on the pad. He had brown black
hair
and was unshaven. He was holding a candy bar and a microburger. (the type
you get from the vending machines that you have to microwave.) A drip of
dried burrito beans that was wiped into his shirt is his most prominent feature.

"Wha!? You're really Bringin me over man..." He spouts munching his microburger. "The least you could do is bring my lunch with me!"
"Hey Renegade, How 'bout you fix this thing?"
"Contrap is that you? Whatcha doin' here? "

"Welcome to the Legion of Net.Heroes. I am Ultimate Ninja."
"I wasn't talking to you, but you do look awfully familiar."
"Do I know you from the net?"
"... huh? ..."

* * * * * * * * *

"I am driving here, and I say that this is the best way to go!"
Parking-Karma Kid yelled at CheeseCake-Eater Lad who was obviously trying
to be
in charge.

RosterwReam approached the arguing couple and interjected. "You know
I think that you can just follow the trouble-detectors... Onomato-Puweeha Person and Lagneto are showing up like a beacon."
"Onomato Puweeha Person? Isn't she good? Wasn't she in the Legion
or something?" Bandwagon Chick asked.
"Actually she was in the Cry.Sig of Infinite RACs, and she sorta
smashed All-Knowing-Last-Chance-Whiner-Destiny Woman with a crushing sound effect bubble... But it never has been established whether she would go to
the good side or the bad side." Cannon Fodder added.

"You were there when she showed up first. One of those spontaneous
creations about the time that Ultimate Ninja showed up on the net.universe! Tell us your impression of Onomato-Puweeha Person. " RosterwReam prodded. Cannon Fodder rolled his eyes and tried to think of what he thought of
the character but nothing really came. The Flight.Thingy was quiet, except
for
the purr of the engine. Finally Cannon Fodder felt he had stalled long
enough.

"Well, that was just the thing. The character has no dynamic self.
She is just there. It is sorta hard to say more." Cannon Fodder shrugged
his
shoulders.

"Sad. Reminds me of a Poem! A sad poem..." Kid Poetry spoke up.
"You know, characters like that either get killed off or retconned out
of existence. I really think that that is why the trouble indicator has
gone
berserk. Something BIG is about to happen." CheeseCake Eater Lad observed. "Sounds like a LOSER to me! Why she's probably sold her soul to
Lagneto! What a total stupid loser!" Opinionated Lad spouted. "What she really needs is a spanking from Old Comics Man!"
Procrastination Boy suddenly jumped out of his chair and ran to the
restroom near the back of the cabin. BandWagon Chick giggled coyly. This
was
not the first time that procrastination boy had put off "his need to relieve himself" but it still was pretty funny. The rest of the cabin started
laughing
in chorus, as Procrastination Boy writhed in panic toward the restroom
door.
The whole Flight.Thingy boomed with laughter.

* * * * * * * * *

Net.ropolis airport: the loading of the fugitive Capitaine Cartel onto a
plane
bound for Colombia.

"I don't like it," said the Chief of Police.
"We couldn't keep him," said the DA.
"We know he was working for the Kingfish!"
"Do we really?"
The Chief of Police sighed. "He's just going to escape. You know
that,
don't you?"
"It's out of our jurisdiction now: it's up to the Colombian
authorities to deal with him."
"But...!" The Chief of Police protested.
Just then, a mysterious shadowy figure became visible from the
darkness
of a terminal. It raised his the long barrel of a gun
and pointed it at Capitaine Cartel. SHRACK! Capitaine Cartel was
vaporized.
"Net.Justice is served." the shadowy figure murmured as the figure
sunk back into the shadows and disappeared.

* * * * * *

OnomatoPuweeha Person and Lagneto flew along the surface of the
net.ocean. There was still some distance to the distant continent where the
rung of revamp was held. Ocasionally the blue surface they skimmed over,
was
peppered with green out crops of net.islands. Most of them were uncharted
and
of no interest, so the two sped along.

"Look OnomatoPuweeha Person. Look behind me." Lagneto instructed.

"What is it?" OPP asked making out a small flying silver object
aproaching from the far rear.

"It is one of the LNH's blasted flight.thingy.transports, no doubt!"
the experienced villain proclaimed with assuredy.

"They will stop us!" OPP was about to give up.
"You give up too early! This comic has hardly gone anywhere! That
means I can strike a terrible blow to their cause! It is afterall, about
time
for a cliffhanger!" Lagneto raised his arms and pointed a beam of lag
energy
to the tiny flight.thingy craft. "I should beable to stall out their
engines,
causing PERMANENT LOSS OF CONNECTION!
MUWAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAA!!"

* * * * * * * * *

Suddenly all laughter on the Flight.thingy was cut short as the craft
began to whirl suddenly out of control! The passengers were plastered to
the
walls of the craft and all yelled incontrollably.
"The engine has given out! In fact all systems have disconnected!"
Parking Karma Kid cried in alarm. The view port spiralled a tiny island
below.
"Can you make it to the island!?" Cheesecake Eater screamed.
"If anyone can, You can!" BandWagon Chick said confidently.
Parking Karma Kid grabbed onto the vehicle as it began to fade from
existence and using his natural parking karma as best he knew how, willed
the
vehicle to stay together. "It is beginning to pull up a bit!"
"We're gonna CRASH!" yelled Bad-Timing Boy.
"Emergency Crash positions!" Bandwagon Chick instructed.
"This REALLY SUCKS!" Opinionated Lad cried.

The tiny craft began to level and skipped across the lagoon then up
onto the soft white beach and into a heap of soft seaweed that cushioned the wrecked vehicle. It was in all respects the perfect crash. But the power
of
the crash still struck its toll. The flight.thingy.transport disentegrated about the heroes, leaving ten heroes unconscious lying on a sundrenched
beach
in dramatic death-like poses.

* * * * * *

"So you say that by killing ALL net.trek games across the net, you can
get our computers back up and going?" Ultimate Ninja said skeptically.
"Yeah, that hellish creation has been a burden to the net, ever since
the first network. It simply bogs down the net, too much, and that is what Lagneto used to crash all your computer systems." Renegade Programmer said confidently.
"I don't believe it!" MT-Man said angrily.
"Well we need our computers, we still have no idea as to the welfare of
our search party. And all comunicators to the craft have gone out now!" Ultimate Ninja said in disbelief.
"We really do need to know." Deja Dude reinforced the argument and
MT-Man decided to let the portly programmer at his system, very reluctantly.
"I will have it fixed in no time." Renegade programmer went to work.
His fingers flew as he hunched over the keyboard. "YOu know I do my best
work
in about 6 hours or so (it was 5pm), but I will give this a shot."
In an instant the few heroes looked at their instruments come back
online.
"Look the communicators are back online."
Ultimate Ninja scanned the readout. All traces of CheeseCake Eater
Lad's Crew were gone. He gulped nervously... and mumbled.

"they're gone."

Deja Dude, MT-Man, Renegade Programmer and Ultimate Ninja all stare
aghast at the blank monitoring screen. Contraption Man had slipped back
into a
state of babbling...

"Its beginning! The end of the end. The LNH is doomed! not again time
looped on time on time on time on tyyyymmme...no future no past no present
no
more christmas specials no more no more..."

* * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * *

wReam...
Ultimate Ninja of LNH!

Special thanks to Martin Phipps for the Net.Justice is Served subplot...
Keep
watching for more assinations and senseless deaths by one mysterious figure
on
the net...

Special thanks to Scav, for being such a "swell" guy... :)

Kudos go to all the WCs in this issue that aren't offended by my characterizations... I hope you liked them... :)

***
Next Issue:

* What happened to CheeseCake Eater Lad's party of heroes and can
they survive in the wilderness without thier mentor?
* What Angst will Ultimate Ninja go through over losing his
prodigies!? (Allright! ANGST! ANGST!)
* What will happen to Onomato-Puweehah Person and what are
Lagneto's plans for her ?!?

* Next issue wReamicus Maximus and the Acolytes start their
Corruption of all Corruptions plan...

* Not to mention the debut of another NEW WC!

SO DONT MISS ULTIMATE NINJA #7
(Jungle Cheesecake mini #2!!!)

Also Don't miss the crossover continuity in Martin's "Fun and Games" and
one by M-T big Comix, Lettering Man for more... (and anyone else that
wants to add in! :)

Legion of Net.Heroes #31 -- Fun and Games

Somewhere in "Tokyo",

"Ohayo."
"Ohayo."
"Do you want anything in particular?" the young lady asked.
Master Blaster smiled. "Well --"

Deja Dude enters.

"Computer: end program!"

The entire room, including the young Japanese lady, shimmered and faded
away to reveal one of the Legion's HoloDecStations.

"Aww, man, what did you do that for?"
Deja Dude sighed. "What *exactly* did you have in mind just now?"
Master Blaster just smiled.
Deja Dude shook his head. "The HoloDecStations aren't supposed to be
used for that sort of thing."
"Why not?"
Deja Dude hesitated. "Look, I'm not the one who makes the rules
around here, OK? Trust me, this isn't a good idea."
Master Blaster looked unconvinced.
"I guess nobody told you about the 'Woody Scandal'."
"The what?"
Deja Dude nodded. "Back when Lost Cause Boy, Kid Anarky and Panta
first joined the Legion, the evil Defacto saw to it that Panta would
be overlooked by the other Legionaires and end up sleeping in the
store room next to the water heater. When Lost Cause Boy found out
he, naturally, was sympathetic and had Panta join him in his room."
"Oh, really?" said Master Blaster, amused.
"The next morning, Lost Cause Boy realised he'd been set up: Defacto
had staged the whole thing to make it look as though Lost Cause Boy and
Panta had been up to something 'sordid'."
"'Sordid'?"
"Yeah. Thing is, while Lost Cause Boy was happy to have Panta around
-- very happy for that matter --"
"I'll bet."
"The fact is nothing really happened."
Master Blaster nodded. "OK, fine, but what does all this have to do
with what I was planning to do just now?"
Deja Dude sighed. "Although nothing had really happened, the vast
majority of Legionaires had lost respect for Lost Cause Boy and Panta:
it wasn't until Lost Cause Boy's death at the hands of Spoonsday that
the Legion began to respect him as a great hero."
"Tragic," said Master Blaster, suddenly sincere.
"So, you see, for your own good, I couldn't allow this scene to
continue."
Master Blaster nodded. "I understand."
Deja Dude smiled.

Elsewhere, Trivia Master, Trivia King, Bibliography Boy and Obscure
Trivia Lad are playing Trivial Pursuit: Marvel Universe Edition.

"Who was Kitty Pride's dance instructor?" Bibliography Boy asked
Obscure Trivia Lad.
"Obscure Trivia Lad knows this."
"Well?"
"Obscure Trivia Lad can't remember."
"Time's up: the answer is 'Stevie Hunter'."
"Obscure Trivia Lad knew that."

Coastal City General Hospital, in front of where Radioactive Dude is
kept for observation, a mysterious figure appears.

"Who are you?" Radioactive Dude asked.

A BIG gun is raised. SHRACK! The glass that was designed to protect
the outside world from Radioactive Dude's harmful radiation is
shattered. SHRACK! Radioactive Dude is knocked to the ground.

"Net.Justice is served!"

The mysterious assassin disappears.

Radioactive Dude is not dead, however: having survived the nuclear
devastation of Tinyville, Radioactive Dude is clearly not that easy
to kill. He gets up.

"That ... was ... not ... very ... nice."

Back at Legion Headquarters, Spelling Boy has invited Grammar Lad,
LetterinG MaN and Typo Lad to play Scrabble in his quarters.

"There's no such word as 'hapinez'," Spelling Boy informed Typo
Lad.
"Iz zo!"

Meanwhile, in the Peril Room, Ultimate Ninja has just finished running
a program simulating an attack from the assembled Legion. As usual, the simulated Legion lies dead at his feet. He looks up at Irony Man in the Control Room.

"Well?"
"4 minutes, 12 seconds. Not your best time."
"Damn."
"You're concerned about Cheesecake-Eater Lad and the others, aren't you?"
Ultimate Ninja became annoyed. "Look, I trained Cheesecake Eater Lad
and Parking Karma Kid myself! I'm sure they'll be able to survive
whatever Lagneto may have in store for them!"
Irony Man wasn't sure what it was -- the tone of Ultimate Ninja's
voice or the way he looked even more tense than usual -- but he knew
that Ultimate Ninja was worried despite his insistance to the contrary.

==========

Next Week: Some more JUNGLE CHEESECAKE!!!!!

==========

Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer

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<div dir=3D"ltr"> And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie=
archive once again. Here's where you can find this and = more Ultimate Ninja Action!: <a href=3D"https://archives.eyrie.or= g/racc/lnh/Series/Ultimate.Ninja/">https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Seri= es/Ultimate.Ninja/</a> And here we have some wReam at his most wReam= yest -- It's Time For Some -- Jungle Cheesecake! This was a c= rossover between Raymond "wReam" Bingham and Martin Phipps (an=
d also maybe Charles FitzGerald and Hubert Bartels also) -- we have Ulti= mate Ninja #6 and LNH v1 #31! Is it time for Acton Lord to do som=
e churging?!=C2=A0 And is it time for someone to find -- THE DREADED RUN=
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=C2=A0 * " =C2=A0* =C2=A0 =C2=A0* =C2=A0 =C2=A0* * * =C2=A0 " = =C2=A0 * " =C2=A0* =C2=A0 * =C2=A0 " =C2=A0 * * * " =C2=A0* = ** " ******************* =C2=A0* * =C2=A0* * =C2=A0* * =C2=A0 &quot=
; =C2=A0" =C2=A0* * =C2=A0* * =C2=A0" =C2=A0 * * * " =C2=A0 = ***** * =C2=A0* WwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwW wW= wWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwW wWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWw= WwWwWw WwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWwWw PROLOGUE (from System Corr= uptors #2) "Ahhh!=C2=A0 The Acolytes of DFANDOM are appeased!= =C2=A0 Finally Acton Lord has resurfaced.=C2=A0 Officially he is back in=
the running." the head Acolyte wReamicus Maximus smiled with glee.=
=C2=A0 wReamicus Maximus faced a small view monitor.=C2=A0 Suddenl=
y an unexpected blip showed across the time scale. =C2=A0wReamatron fro= wned. =C2=A0"I thought all the Acton Lords had been consolidated i= nto one!" =C2=A0 Clearly the Acton-Indicator(tm) said otherwis= e. =C2=A0wReamicus hit the machine viewscreen and it blipped out again. = =C2=A0"Stupid glitches!=C2=A0 Besides that had an essence of wRAL f= rom a different time!" =C2=A0How he could read the Acton-Indicator = and get all this info was beyond the rest of the Acolyte's comprehen= sion, after all there was just an stream of ones and zeroes and an occas= ional blip. =C2=A0 wReamicus continued vaguely alluding to something that w= ill obviously not be revealed in this episode. =C2=A0"And yet if su=
ch a being did exist!? =C2=A0wRAL would not have lived in vain!=C2=A0 He=
would be avenged!" The group of acolytes burst into joyful song a= nd excitement. =C2=A0wReamicus Maximus smiled evilly. =C2=A0"It is = for the betterment of the overall ACTON!=C2=A0 We must find this being t= hat holds the trace of wRAL and bring him here!=C2=A0 TO OUR YEAR!=C2=A0=
TO DECIMATE THE LEGION!!! =C2=A0 MUWAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAAAA!!!&= quot; * * * * * * Acton Lord sat in his current headquart=
ers.=C2=A0 Gradgnomes scurried about his feet.=C2=A0 His stomach churned= .=C2=A0 It wasn't hunger, but that gut feeling that something new wa=
s about to happen.=C2=A0 Something frighteningly dangerous and somehow h=
e was to be involved. =C2=A0 "GET ME Spy.Sat Monitor!" = =C2=A0Acton Lord commanded the Gradgnome Swapnesh. "Yes Master, I = for to be asking your pardon, but I think Spy.Sat was destroyed."<=

"Then LINK ME in with DRIZZTSAT!!" =C2=A0Acton Lord commanded=

as if it was the obvious alternative." =C2=A0Acton Lord churged. = =C2=A0(what exactly is churging? well, it's one of those words made=
by onomato-puweeah person!) "But I ask pardon of you many times, =
but it does no follow TCP/IP protocol." =C2=A0 "SO!=C2=A0 =
I WANT AN UPLINK!" =C2=A0Acton Lord fumed then mumbling to himself he<= br>pulled a monitor to himself and began a global-optimizing trouble search= . "The Brotherhood of Evil Net.Villains is not really any threat.= =C2=A0 The Legion is pretty clueless right now.=C2=A0 Ummmmm...=C2=A0 Al=
l these other guys, they seem to be up to nothing threatening." =C2= =A0Acton Lord recited the data aloud. =C2=A0 "Wait!=C2=A0 What=
are the Acolytes trying to do!?" =C2=A0 Acton Lord murmurred. &qu= ot;I guess they really are no threat...=C2=A0 Maybe..." "And =
Sig.Lad is stuck in alt.religion.kibology..." =C2=A0Acton Lord smirked= . "Now there's a place I wouldn't run to no matter what!&qu= ot; =C2=A0 "Everything checks out fine!=C2=A0 So what is the t=
rouble!?" =C2=A0Acton Lord was perplexed. =C2=A0 Manish, an=
other gradgnome walked by and overhearing the trouble suggested a possib= le-solution. =C2=A0"Perhaps you got a bad slice." =C2=A0Manish po= inted to an empty pizza box in the corner. =C2=A0 "NYEAHRG!= " =C2=A0Acton Lord wrenched in pain and swinging his arms wildly he<br= >knocked Manish through the lab door. =C2=A0"WHAT IS HAPPENING!?"=
he cried. * * * * * * * * * * =C2=A0 =C2=A0 * Roste=
rwReam dilligently erased Myk-El's name from the roster and placed i=
t in the "Deceased villain's list." =C2=A0Contraption Man sat=
back relaxing and talking. =C2=A0 "So, now that you have f= ound your traitor, what do you suppose you will do?=C2=A0 Return to your=
own time?" =C2=A0RosterwReam spoke up. "Oh I don't know.=
=C2=A0 Perhaps.=C2=A0 I really ought to go back just to see what changes=
I have made while being here." =C2=A0Contraption Man sat back contemp= lating the suggestion. =C2=A0 "What if everything is differ=
ent!?=C2=A0 What will you do then?" "Well, you guys are the o= nly friends I have, I suppose I will just have to come back.=C2=A0 Why d= on't you wait by the transdimensional-timesplicing-transmatter for m=
y return signal?" Contraption Man asked RosterwReam. "OK.&=
quot; =C2=A0RosterwReam and Contraption Man got up and went into the Mon= itoring Room.=C2=A0 Multi-Tasking Man was making some adjustments on W.I.L.= B.U.R. playing Net.Trek, Mudding, sending flame-bait mail to wannabe hac= kers, and toying with ideas about a thesis. "Hey!=C2=A0 Contrap=
tion Man!=C2=A0 You know LISP?!" "OH you mean that ancient la=
nguage used for AI that stands for Lots of Irritating Single Parenthases= !?" =C2=A0Contraption Man smiled. "Yeah, that's the one.&=
quot; =C2=A0MultiTasking Man said excitedly. "Nah.=C2=A0 I use LIS=
P++.=C2=A0 It has even more encoded inefficiencies than ever thought pos= sible!=C2=A0 It's a real breakthrough language... OF COURSE, that is in= the future..." =C2=A0Contraption Man explained. "Oh.&quot= ; =C2=A0MultiTasking Man went back to debugging his robot. "We&#39= ;re gonna use the Transdimensional-timesplicing-transmatter for a second=
, ok?" =C2=A0RosterwReam said proudly.=C2=A0 RosterwReam was slowly le= arning the ways of hackerdom and took every chance to let people know he=
was not computer illiterate. "Ok.=C2=A0 Whatever, just don&#39= ;t play with the satellite telemetry stuff." Contraption Man =
stepped onto the transmat pad and recited the plan. "Ok I will sig= nal you when I am ready to return.=C2=A0 This should be in about 5 secon=
ds from when you return me to the future...=C2=A0 In your time.=C2=A0 Now i=
n my time it could be days or even weeks before I signal you.=C2=A0 That=
is because ..." =C2=A0 "Right right right!=C2=A0 I under= stand the concept and those reader that don't will just have to deal=
with it!" =C2=A0chirped RosterwReam. =C2=A0"C/Ya in five! Ro= sterwReam turned the knob that needed to be turned and pushed the keys that= needed to be pushed and rang the bell that needed to ring and ... =C2= =A0well you get the idea ... =C2=A0and Contraption Man was gone! Abo=
ut 5 seconds passed and the signal returned to transmat. RosterwReam = =C2=A0turned the know that needed to be turned, etc. "Contraption =
Man!?" The figure was slumped over and weary. =C2=A0 &quot= ;NOOOO!" =C2=A0RosterwReam ran to the transmat pad.=C2=A0 Multi-taskin=
g Man immediately stopped one of his tasks and over the intercom called = for medical assistance. =C2=A0"Dr. Stomper, Organic Lass to the Mon= itoring Room on the double!" RosterwReam propped up a weak Co=
ntraption Man and tried for an explanation.=C2=A0 All that he could get = from the hero was some babblings. =C2=A0"The little task...=C2=A0 O= h!=C2=A0 THE HORROR!=C2=A0 HE'S comingkerghsjataskaniysigheahd..."=
 Then, for Contraption Man, all was darkness. =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0(Ultimate Ninja #6 (LNH (C)opyright 1993) Ultimat=
e Ninja sat and stared at the console in his Ready Room.=C2=A0 Things were<= br>getting quite complicated and with the smear campaigns that McLaughlin M=
an had started, there was little hope of things getting simpler.=C2=A0 H=
is battles with Dr.=C2=A0 Boring had worn on him and one more interrupti=
on might push him past his limitless control to do something drastic. <b= r> "I gotta kill something" UN mumbled to himself.=C2=A0 UN r= ose from his chair and headed for the exit.=C2=A0 Down the hall he passe=
d through the halls quietly, as he did everytime he was headed to the Pe= rilRoom.=C2=A0 Passing the Monitoring room, where Multi-Tasking Man was = sitting playing his Net.Trek, reading a novel, three comic books and fid= dling with his new armor.=C2=A0 RosterwReam was also in the room laughin=
g somewhat sadistically and reading news. =C2=A0 "Hey!=C2=A0 U=
ltimate Ninja, there is something here that you ought to look at." = =C2=A0Multi-Tasking Man said =C2=A0effortlessly as he destroyed another Rom= ulan bird of Prey, turned a page of his novel, scanned three comic books=
, activated his armor's air conditioning and pointed to a viewscreen=
monitor. =C2=A0"The Trouble detectors are sorta fluctuating."=
 "Can it wait?=C2=A0 I am on my way to kill something in the Peril=
Room." Ultimate Ninja said impatiently. =C2=A0 "Well y= eah." Multi-Tasking Man said, but then switching to the PerilRoom s= tatus board he then pointed (as he did assorted other things too numerou=
s to mention). "But you won't get into the PerilRoom.=C2=A0 Ever s= ince Master Blaster and Occultism Kid discovered the joys of killing eac=
h other in the Peril Room they have spent most of their time there flami=
ng each other in one way or another..." Thoughts of killin=
g both Occultism Kid and Master Blaster raced through his mind, but then=
his feeble conscience caught up with him.=C2=A0 Ever since the hasty mi= stake he made with Net.Star, and the treachery that MacLaughlin Man had = been stirring up, UN debated alot more with himself before threatening to k= ill his friends.=C2=A0 Contrary to what Invisible Incendiary would have = liked, no doubt... "OK, Let me take a look at the Trouble Detec=
tors..." =C2=A0Ultimate Ninja said with a sigh. "Well=
like I said, it is pretty insignificant, but I think it could develope = into something more." =C2=A0Multitasking Man accessed the visual displ=
ay on the Trouble Detectors and up shot an image of a nondescript woman,=
known to the net as Onomato-Puweeha Person.=C2=A0 Ultimate Ninja raised=
an eyebrow, and looked on with a yawn. =C2=A0 "How could &=
#39;that' be a problem?" Ultimate Ninja said in disbelief. &qu= ot;She is such an insignificant hero!" "Well, that is probabl=
y why she is seeking to consolidate her powers." Multi-Tasking Man = explained. =C2=A0"She is tired of being overlooked, and so it seems=
that she is seeking the Rung of REVAMP!" "NO!=C2=A0 NOT THE =
DREADED RUNG OF REVAMP!?" both RosterwReam and Ultimate Ninja gaspe=
d out in chorus, at the same time could be heard down the hall the entir=
e LNH in unison. [Which makes the reader wonder how they all knew =
about this incredibly threatening relic and yet none of you have NEVER h= eard of it til now!=C2=A0 As if they had known about it all their lives.=
.. Sorta like when you watch an episode of Star Trek TNG and Captain Pic= ard mentions that ancient basket weaving has ALWAYS been a special inter= est to him, because it fits the episode, even though there had never bee=
n hint of it in previous episodes! Oh wait a sec! =C2=A0I am pulling a M= ARTIN here!=C2=A0 Gotta go get back to the story!] "Isn't the = dreaded Rung Of Revamp shrouded in mystery lost deep in the Jungles of U= Typicgaljnund-glesterdeotaypenam-eek?" "No, RosterwReam, it i=
s in the jungle of glak, hidden in a volcano, protected by a powerful ca= nnibal nation. It is rumored to have fallen from the sacred latter of Co= mic success..." =C2=A0Ultimate Ninja corrected.=C2=A0 Cannon Fodder=
entered the room and somehow knew exactly what they were talking about.<br= > "Well then why should we worry ourselves that she should get it!= ? It seems to me it is either a legend or inobtainable..." Cannon F= odder entered the conversation. =C2=A0 "Cannon Fodder!?=C2=
=A0 How did you know what we were talking about!?" RosterwReam inq= uired. "Oh Multitasking Man has had the intercom on for the last h=
our.=C2=A0 It has been quite humorous to hear him yelling at the Romulan=
s and Orions and Klingons and Federation ships." =C2=A0Multitasking=
Man clicked the intercom off, destroyed a Klingon scout ship, inserted = one of his comics into a plasic cover bag, finished off another chapter =
in his book, opened his computer notes and started doing his homework, a= ctivated the tracking device on Onomato-Puweeha Person's where-about=
s, took a bite of a stale sandwich, and added to the conversation, &quot= ;Well Onomato-Puweeha Person is going to meet with..." =C2=A0 =
Suddenly all the tracking computers stopped dead. =C2=A0 "Ther=
e is only one person to which tracking computers are affected so" <=

"LAGNETO!" * * * * * * * * * * "SOOOOO yo=

u want to make more of yourself!?" =C2=A0Lagneto looked down upon t=
he insignificant female, Onomato-Puweeha Person. =C2=A0"Well I get the=
Rung of REVAMP for you, but you must swear to serve ME!" Onoma= to-Puweeah Person nodded. =C2=A0"I wanna be some one." =C2=A0 =
 "Oh my dear, after I am through with you... EVERYONE WILL WANNA B=
E YOU!" =C2=A0 Lagneto and Onomato-Puweeah Person laughed i=
n accord. "HURRY to the LOST CONTINENT!=C2=A0 INTO THE JUNGLE=
S OF GLAK!" * * * * * * * * * * =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 "Ummm, boss, do you really feel that we are best qualified fro the= taskforce?" =C2=A0CheeseCake Eater Lad looked a bit perplexed. =
"Of course you are!=C2=A0 You all have been trained by me!=C2=A0 You =
should all be expert in survival skills and Ninja skills...=C2=A0 Why yo=
u ought to make this easy!" =C2=A0Ultimate Ninja said trying to con= vince himself he was not crazy. "Yes Mastersan!" =C2=A0Parkin=
g Karma Kid said running to the troop flight thingy transport. =C2=A0&qu= ot;Bandwagon Chick gets to ride shotgun!" BandWagon Chick looked a=
bit flustered, but took the front seat. =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0=
=C2=A0 CheeseCake Eater Lad and Kid Poetry got onto the FlightThingy trans= port next.=C2=A0 Their conversations moved to how making cheesecake coul=
d be a type of poetry... "I can't believe you want ME to go=
with this bunch of LOSERS!" Opinionated Lad bellowed... =C2=A0&qu= ot;I am SO PUT OUT!" Bad-Timing Boy, Procrastination Boy and Canno= n Fodder piled on next. Followed quickly by RosterwReam and finally by = TimeWaster Lad. Deja Dude passed by the boarding party and smiled. =C2= =A0"So you are out on a mission?" Ultimate Ninja turned an=
d expected criticism. =C2=A0"Yeah.=C2=A0 They are, and there will b=
e NO problems!" "Oh good.=C2=A0 I am sure you have everything=
under control." =C2=A0he observed casually, raising an eyebrow as = BandWagon Chick slugged Parking Karma Kid and the entire vehicle lurched=
to the left. =C2=A0"I wonder who is the leader?" "I am!= =C2=A0 I am the leader!" Cheesecake Eater Lad piped up.=C2=A0 Then = realizing that things were somewhat out of control he laid into Parking Kar= ma Kid and the other chaos makers. =C2=A0"OK PK KID that is enough =
of that!=C2=A0 WE HAVE A MISSION TO DO!" The Flight.Thingy lift= ed from the launch pad and headed out of the docking bay.=C2=A0 Ultimate=
Ninja and Deja Dude looked on skeptically. =C2=A0 "Multitaski=
ng Man has outfitted them each with homing devices and the Flight thingy=
has a beacon on it..." =C2=A0Ultimate Ninja grinned trying to comfort= a very skeptical self. =C2=A0 "They couldn't all go ou=
t, right?" =C2=A0Deja Dude looked up at the vehicle as it left view= .=C2=A0 It lurched to the left and dipped again in the sky. "uh. r= ight." =C2=A0Ultimate Ninja said in a voice filled with regret.=C2=A0 = He had just made a big mistake, he knew it. * * * * * * * * *<br=

 "Stupid computers!=C2=A0 They still haven't come on line!=C2= =A0 I wish I had more time to get this stupid thing fixed." =C2=A0M= ultitasking Man cursed. =C2=A0 "Perhaps Contraption Man can he= lp." Ultimate Ninja suggested. =C2=A0"I think he is still in t=

he medilab, why don't you wheel him in here?" "HA!=C2=A0 =
You want ME to let Contraption Man look at MY computers!?=C2=A0 Are you = sick!?" =C2=A0Multitasking Man said in shock. =C2=A0"He's gon=
e almost completely bonkers after that incident where he went home and t= hen came back.=C2=A0 And when he was sane he never really helped much?!&= quot; "I don't think he is insane, just recovering from some p=
sychic shock. He really ought to provide some help." =C2=A0Ultimat=
e Ninja said calmly. "Ok.=C2=A0 I'll transmat him here.=C2=A0 =
Bed and all." =C2=A0Multitasking Man did so at the same time as a d= ozen other things... zzzzzzzzzzwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaapppppppppp!<br=

 "get away." Contraption Man babbled. =C2=A0" =C2=A0NO.=

=C2=A0taskani how could u? keep waya =C2=A0ergehal" "Grea=
t idea, UN." MultiTasking Man patronized. =C2=A0"I just bet he co= uld help unlag the system." "Wait, perhaps I can try emerg= ency medical procedure 1.84a" Ultimate Ninja said, as he grabbed th=
e delirious Contraption Man by the collar.=C2=A0 UN began to slap him in=
the face. =C2=A0"Snap out of it MAN!" =C2=A0he repeated over and= over. =C2=A0 "Uhhhnn." =C2=A0Contraption Man suddenly=
came online with reality. "What is going on?" "Wow. =
It worked.=C2=A0 Just like in the comics." =C2=A0MT-Man said in awe.<b=

"CM you can have your dramatic illusions later, we need you to help=

fix the computer systems." =C2=A0Ultimate Ninja instructed. &q=
uot;Ok.=C2=A0 Ummmm. I know just the person to fix the job.=C2=A0 It's = about time for his debut.=C2=A0 He is RENEGADE PROGRAMMER..." Contr= aption Man announced. " no not him." =C2=A0Ultimate Ninja sai=
d murmuring. But before UN could begin his protest Contraption Man went =
to the transmat time inducers and began to fiddle with the dials.=C2=A0=
Then programming the necessary info he said, "Nuthin up my sleeve=
, Presto!" and turned the transmat activator.=C2=A0 The machine ch= urned to life and the transmat pad lit brilliantly. VAAAAAAAZZ=
ZZZZAAAAAMMMMMKKKAAAANNGGGGSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH!!!!! An image appears i=
n the light.=C2=A0 As the light died down a confused looking nondescript=
portly young man stood on the pad.=C2=A0 He had brown black hair and wa=
s unshaven.=C2=A0 He was holding a candy bar and a microburger. =C2=A0(the = type you get from the vending machines that you have to microwave.) =C2= =A0A drip of dried burrito beans that was wiped into his shirt is his mo=
st prominent feature. =C2=A0 "Wha!? You're really Bring=
in me over man..." =C2=A0He spouts munching his microburger. =C2=A0= "The least you could do is bring my lunch with me!" "Hey=
Renegade, How 'bout you fix this thing?" "Contrap is tha=
t you?=C2=A0 Whatcha doin' here? " =C2=A0 "Welcome to=
the Legion of Net.Heroes.=C2=A0 I am Ultimate Ninja." "I was= n't talking to you, but you do look awfully familiar." "D=
o I know you from the net?" "... huh? ..." =
* * * * * * * * * "I am driving here, and I say that this is t=
he best way to go!" Parking-Karma Kid yelled at CheeseCake-Eater L=
ad who was obviously trying to be in charge. =C2=A0 RosterwReam = approached the arguing couple and interjected. =C2=A0"You know I th= ink that you can just follow the trouble-detectors...=C2=A0 Onomato-Puweeha= Person and Lagneto are showing up like a beacon." "Onomat=
o Puweeha Person?=C2=A0 Isn't she good?=C2=A0 Wasn't she in the Leg= ion or something?" Bandwagon Chick asked. "Actually she w= as in the Cry.Sig of Infinite RACs, and she sorta smashed All-Knowing-La= st-Chance-Whiner-Destiny Woman with a crushing sound effect bubble... Bu=
t it never has been established whether she would go to the good side or=
the bad side." =C2=A0Cannon Fodder added. "You were the=
re when she showed up first.=C2=A0 One of those spontaneous creations ab= out the time that Ultimate Ninja showed up on the net.universe! Tell us = your impression of Onomato-Puweeha Person. " RosterwReam prodded. =
Cannon Fodder rolled his eyes and tried to think of what he thought of t=
he character but nothing really came.=C2=A0 The Flight.Thingy was quiet, ex= cept for the purr of the engine.=C2=A0 Finally Cannon Fodder felt he had=
stalled long enough. "Well, that was just the thing.=C2=A0 Th= e character has no dynamic self. She is just there.=C2=A0 It is sorta h= ard to say more." =C2=A0Cannon Fodder shrugged his shoulders. =C2= =A0 "Sad.=C2=A0 Reminds me of a Poem!=C2=A0 A sad poem...&quot=
; =C2=A0Kid Poetry spoke up. "You know, characters like that eithe=
r get killed off or retconned out of existence.=C2=A0 I really think tha=
t that is why the trouble indicator has gone berserk.=C2=A0 Something BI=
G is about to happen." =C2=A0CheeseCake Eater Lad observed. "= Sounds like a LOSER to me!=C2=A0 Why she's probably sold her soul to<br= >Lagneto!=C2=A0 What a total stupid loser!" =C2=A0Opinionated Lad spou= ted. =C2=A0"What she really needs is a spanking from Old Comics Man= !" Procrastination Boy suddenly jumped out of his chair and ran to=
the restroom near the back of the cabin.=C2=A0 BandWagon Chick giggled = coyly.=C2=A0 This was not the first time that procrastination boy had pu=
t off "his need to relieve himself" but it still was pretty fu= nny.=C2=A0 The rest of the cabin started laughing in chorus, as Procrast= ination Boy writhed in panic toward the restroom door. The whole Flight= .Thingy boomed with laughter. =C2=A0 * * * * * * * * * <=

Net.ropolis airport: the loading of the fugitive Capitaine Cartel onto a=

plane bound for Colombia. =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "I don't=
like it," said the Chief of Police. =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "We = couldn't keep him," said the DA. =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "We = know he was working for the Kingfish!" =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "D=
o we really?" =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 The Chief of Police sighed. =C2= =A0"He's just going to escape.=C2=A0 You know that, don't y= ou?" =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "It's out of our jurisdiction no=
w: it's up to the Colombian authorities to deal with him." = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "But...!" =C2=A0The Chief of Police proteste= d. =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0Just then, a mysterious shadowy figure bec= ame visible from the darkness of a terminal.=C2=A0 It raised his the lon=
g barrel of a gun and pointed it at Capitaine Cartel.=C2=A0 SHRACK!=C2=
=A0 Capitaine Cartel was vaporized. =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0"= Net.Justice is served." the shadowy figure murmured as the figure s= unk back into the shadows and disappeared. * * * * * =C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 * OnomatoPuweeha Person and Lagneto flew along the surface o=
f the net.ocean.=C2=A0 There was still some distance to the distant cont= inent where the =C2=A0rung of revamp was held.=C2=A0 Ocasionally the blu=
e surface they skimmed over, was peppered with green out crops of net.is= lands.=C2=A0 Most of them were uncharted and of no interest, so the two = sped along. =C2=A0 "Look OnomatoPuweeha Person.=C2=A0 Look be=
hind me." Lagneto instructed. =C2=A0 "What is it?" =
=C2=A0OPP asked making out a small flying silver object aproaching from = the far rear. =C2=A0 "It is one of the LNH's blasted fligh= t.thingy.transports, no doubt!" the experienced villain proclaimed=
with assuredy. =C2=A0 "They will stop us!" =C2=A0OPP was=
about to give up. "You give up too early!=C2=A0 This comic has ha= rdly gone anywhere!=C2=A0 That means I can strike a terrible blow to the=
ir cause!=C2=A0 It is afterall, about time for a cliffhanger!" =C2= =A0Lagneto raised his arms and pointed a beam of lag energy to the tiny = flight.thingy craft. =C2=A0"I should beable to stall out their engines= , causing PERMANENT LOSS OF CONNECTION! =C2=A0 MUWAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAAH= AHAAHAHAHAAHAA!!" * * * * * * * * * Suddenly all laug=
hter on the Flight.thingy was cut short as the craft began to whirl sudd= enly out of control! =C2=A0 The passengers were plastered to the walls o=
f the craft and all yelled incontrollably. "The engine has given o= ut!=C2=A0 In fact all systems have disconnected!" Parking Karma Kid=
cried in alarm.=C2=A0 The view port spiralled a tiny island below. &qu= ot;Can you make it to the island!?" =C2=A0Cheesecake Eater screamed.<b=

"If anyone can, You can!" =C2=A0BandWagon Chick said confident=

ly. Parking Karma Kid grabbed onto the vehicle as it began to fade from= existence and using his natural parking karma as best he knew how, will=
ed the vehicle to stay together. =C2=A0"It is beginning to pull up =
a bit!" "We're gonna CRASH!" =C2=A0yelled Bad-Timing=
Boy. =C2=A0 "Emergency Crash positions!" =C2=A0Bandwagon Chi=
ck instructed. "This REALLY SUCKS!" Opinionated Lad cried. = =C2=A0 The tiny craft began to level and skipped across the lagoon = then up onto the soft white beach and into a heap of soft seaweed that c= ushioned the wrecked vehicle.=C2=A0 It was in all respects the perfect c= rash.=C2=A0 But the power of the crash still struck its toll.=C2=A0 The = flight.thingy.transport disentegrated about the heroes, leaving ten hero=
es unconscious lying on a sundrenched beach in dramatic death-like pose=
s. =C2=A0 * * * * * * "So you say that by killing ALL=
net.trek games across the net, you can get our computers back up and g= oing?" =C2=A0Ultimate Ninja said skeptically. "Yeah, that hel= lish creation has been a burden to the net, ever since the first network= .=C2=A0 It simply bogs down the net, too much, and that is what Lagneto = used to crash all your computer systems." =C2=A0Renegade Programmer sa= id confidently. "I don't believe it!" =C2=A0MT-Man sai=
d angrily. =C2=A0 "Well we need our computers, we still have no id= ea as to the welfare of our search party.=C2=A0 And all comunicators to = the craft have gone out now!" Ultimate Ninja said in disbelief.<br=

"We really do need to know." Deja Dude reinforced the argument =

and MT-Man decided to let the portly programmer at his system, very relu= ctantly. "I will have it fixed in no time." Renegade programm= er went to work. His fingers flew as he hunched over the keyboard. =C2= =A0"YOu know I do my best work in about 6 hours or so (it was 5pm),=
but I will give this a shot." In an instant the few heroes looked=
at their instruments come back online. "Look the communicators=
are back online." Ultimate Ninja scanned the readout.=C2=A0 All t=
races of CheeseCake Eater Lad's Crew were gone.=C2=A0 He gulped nerv= ously... and mumbled. "they're gone." Deja =
Dude, MT-Man, Renegade Programmer and Ultimate Ninja all stare aghast at=
the blank monitoring screen.=C2=A0 Contraption Man had slipped back into a= state of babbling... "Its beginning!=C2=A0 The end of the=
end.=C2=A0 The LNH is doomed! not again time looped on time on time on = time on tyyyymmme...no future no past no present no more christmas speci= als no more no more..." =C2=A0 * * * * * * * * * * * *=
* * * * * * wReam... =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 U=
ltimate Ninja of LNH! Special thanks to Martin Phipps for the Net.Ju= stice is Served subplot... Keep watching for more assinations and sensel= ess deaths by one mysterious figure on the net... =C2=A0 Spe=
cial thanks to Scav, for being such a "swell" guy... :) Ku= dos go to all the WCs in this issue that aren't offended by my chara= cterizations... I hope you liked them... =C2=A0:) *** Next Issue:=
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 * What happened to CheeseCake Eater Lad'=
s party of heroes and can they survive in the wilderness without thier m= entor? =C2=A0 =C2=A0 * What Angst will Ultimate Ninja go through over =
losing his prodigies!? =C2=A0(Allright!=C2=A0 ANGST! ANGST!) =C2=A0=
=C2=A0 * What will happen to Onomato-Puweehah Person and what are Lagne= to's plans for her ?!? =C2=A0 =C2=A0 * Next issue wReamicus M=
aximus and the Acolytes start their Corruption of all Corruptions plan..=
. =C2=A0 =C2=A0 * Not to mention the debut of another NEW WC! =
=C2=A0 SO DONT MISS ULTIMATE NINJA #7 (Jungle Chees=
ecake mini #2!!!) Also Don't miss the crossover continuity in Ma= rtin's "Fun and Games" and one by M-T big Comix, Letterin=
g Man for more... (and anyone else that wants to add in! :) =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 Legion of Net.Heroes #=
31 -- Fun and Games Somewhere in "Tokyo", =C2=A0 &q= uot;Ohayo." =C2=A0 "Ohayo." =C2=A0 "Do you want a= nything in particular?" the young lady asked. =C2=A0 Master Blaster=
smiled. =C2=A0"Well --" Deja Dude enters. =C2=A0 &= quot;Computer: end program!" The entire room, including the you=
ng Japanese lady, shimmered and faded away to reveal one of the Legion&#= 39;s HoloDecStations. =C2=A0 "Aww, man, what did you do that fo= r?" =C2=A0 Deja Dude sighed. =C2=A0"What *exactly* did you hav=
e in mind just now?" =C2=A0 Master Blaster just smiled. =C2=A0 D= eja Dude shook his head. =C2=A0"The HoloDecStations aren't suppose=
d to be used for that sort of thing." =C2=A0 "Why not?&quot= ; =C2=A0 Deja Dude hesitated. =C2=A0"Look, I'm not the one who = makes the rules around here, OK?=C2=A0 Trust me, this isn't a good = idea." =C2=A0 Master Blaster looked unconvinced. =C2=A0 "I = guess nobody told you about the 'Woody Scandal'." =C2=A0 &q= uot;The what?" =C2=A0 Deja Dude nodded. =C2=A0"Back when Lost = Cause Boy, Kid Anarky and Panta first joined the Legion, the evil Defact=
o saw to it that Panta would be overlooked by the other Legionaires and = end up sleeping in the store room next to the water heater.=C2=A0 When L= ost Cause Boy found out he, naturally, was sympathetic and had Panta joi=
n him in his room." =C2=A0 "Oh, really?" said Master Blas= ter, amused. =C2=A0 "The next morning, Lost Cause Boy realised he&#= 39;d been set up: Defacto had staged the whole thing to make it look as = though Lost Cause Boy and Panta had been up to something 'sordid&#39= ;." =C2=A0 "'Sordid'?" =C2=A0 "Yeah.=C2=
=A0 Thing is, while Lost Cause Boy was happy to have Panta around -- ver=
y happy for that matter --" =C2=A0 "I'll bet." =C2= =A0 "The fact is nothing really happened." =C2=A0 Master Blast=
er nodded. =C2=A0"OK, fine, but what does all this have to do with = what I was planning to do just now?" =C2=A0 Deja Dude sighed. =C2= =A0"Although nothing had really happened, the vast majority of Legi= onaires had lost respect for Lost Cause Boy and Panta: it wasn't unt=
il Lost Cause Boy's death at the hands of Spoonsday that the Legion = began to respect him as a great hero." =C2=A0 "Tragic," s= aid Master Blaster, suddenly sincere. =C2=A0 "So, you see, for your=
own good, I couldn't allow this scene to continue." =C2=A0 = Master Blaster nodded. =C2=A0"I understand." =C2=A0 Deja Dude = smiled. Elsewhere, Trivia Master, Trivia King, Bibliography Boy = and Obscure Trivia Lad are playing Trivial Pursuit: Marvel Universe Edi= tion. =C2=A0 "Who was Kitty Pride's dance instructor?"=
Bibliography Boy asked Obscure Trivia Lad. =C2=A0 "Obscure Tri= via Lad knows this." =C2=A0 "Well?" =C2=A0 "Obscu=
re Trivia Lad can't remember." =C2=A0 "Time's up: the = answer is 'Stevie Hunter'." =C2=A0 "Obscure Trivia Lad=
knew that." Coastal City General Hospital, in front of whe=
re Radioactive Dude is kept for observation, a mysterious figure appears= . =C2=A0 "Who are you?" Radioactive Dude asked. A B=
IG gun is raised.=C2=A0 SHRACK!=C2=A0 The glass that was designed to protec= t the outside world from Radioactive Dude's harmful radiation is <br= >shattered.=C2=A0 SHRACK!=C2=A0 Radioactive Dude is knocked to the ground. = =C2=A0 "Net.Justice is served!" =C2=A0 The mysteri= ous assassin disappears. Radioactive Dude is not dead, however: havi=
ng survived the nuclear devastation of Tinyville, Radioactive Dude is cl= early not that easy to kill.=C2=A0 He gets up. =C2=A0 "That = ... was ... not ... very ... nice." Back at Legion Headquar= ters, Spelling Boy has invited Grammar Lad, LetterinG MaN and Typo Lad t=
o play Scrabble in his quarters. =C2=A0 "There's no such wo=
rd as 'hapinez'," Spelling Boy informed Typo Lad. =C2=A0=
"Iz zo!" Meanwhile, in the Peril Room, Ultimate Ninja=
has just finished running a program simulating an attack from the assem= bled Legion.=C2=A0 As usual, the simulated Legion lies dead at his feet.= =C2=A0 He looks up at Irony Man in the Control Room. =C2=A0 &quot= ;Well?" =C2=A0 "4 minutes, 12 seconds.=C2=A0 Not your best tim= e." =C2=A0 "Damn." =C2=A0 "You're concerned a= bout Cheesecake-Eater Lad and the others, aren't you?" =C2=A0 U= ltimate Ninja became annoyed. =C2=A0"Look, I trained Cheesecake Eater = Lad and Parking Karma Kid myself!=C2=A0 I'm sure they'll be able=
to survive whatever Lagneto may have in store for them!" =C2=
=A0 Irony Man wasn't sure what it was -- the tone of Ultimate Ninja&#39=
;s voice or the way he looked even more tense than usual -- but he knew= that Ultimate Ninja was worried despite his insistance to the contrary.= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D Next Week: =C2=A0Some mor=
e JUNGLE CHEESECAKE!!!!! =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D Arthu=
r "Same Classic Channel.=C2=A0 But Same Time?=C2=A0 Probably not.&quot=
; Spitzer </div>

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LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #391: Jungle Cheesecake Part One

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