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The VHS Bootleg Tape of The Namer Boy
--
Documentary Project: Season Two #2
(A Hungry, Hungry Sabertooths! Tie-In!)
The Place -- Earth Combover...
Darkness.
A suffocating darkness. And terror! A *whole* lot of terror!!!!!
"Oh, God!" said Coward Lad his whole head covered in some type of sack.
And he couldn't
move. His arms and legs were bound with some kind of rope. He had been kidnapped and he
could hear his kidnappers mumbling and muttering stuff. "Please! Please
don't kill me!
Please, please, please!!! Or hurt me!! Don't kill me or hurt me!! I'll do anything you
ask!! Please!!!! Oh god."
"Relax, friend," said the voice of some guy who took the sack off of his
head. Some old guy
with a white beard. "We're not here to hurt you. We're here to educate
you!"
Coward Lad looked at the man. The man was wearing one of those red MAGA
hats. And he had
no mask covering his face. And all the other people in the room (they were
in some type of
a cabin (probably in the woods)) also had the red MAGA hats on their heads
and also no
masks. "Oh, no! No masks!! No masks!!! Please put the sack back over my head!!
Please!!!" And then Coward Lad thought about all the Covid droplets
sailing through the
air right towards his mouth and nose and quickly shut his lips very tightly.
"Case in point," laughed the old bearded man, "Masks. Just fake news by
the Deep State
Global Hollywood Pedophile Illumi.net.us Cabal to steal the election from
the one person
that can save us all. Covid is just a scam to make us all slaves. And
even if it is real
what we need is Herd Mentality to defeat it and make it magically go away!
Not masks!"
All the other members started chanting, 'Not masks' over and over.
"Umm, are you talking about Herd Immunity?" said Coward Lad.
"Nope. Pretty sure Herd Mentality is the correct term." Herd Mentality started to be
chanted over and over again. "But, as I said -- We are here to educate you about the
*True* *Real* *Threats* that only the greatest of greatest saviors. The
One. The Only.
The President Comboverthing. He who is destined to expose all of the Worst
Sex Predator/
Pedophile/Deep State Sex-Traffickers that are trying to Defile Our
Children! And to be
joined by NoKlu the secret anonymous source high in the government who disseminates coded
info to us using the messageboard KonJobChan that we the followers (The NoKluAKon) have to
decipher using the codes hidden within the gibberish of President Comboverthing's tweets.
And through that the *TRUTH*!"
Hmm, thought Coward Lad to himself, That doesn't really make any sense.
Wasn't
Comboverthing pal's with the notorious sex predator Jeffrey Epstein? And didn't he hire
Alexander Acosta, a prosecutor who worked out some sweet heart deal for Epstein's awful sex
crimes, making him Secretary of Labor? And haven't a number of women
accused Comboverthing
of horrible sex crimes? And hasn't he said a lot of horrible gross stuff
about women
(including various sex comments about his own daughter)? But on the other
hand pointing
out facts and evidence to these people would probably just make them very, *very* angry.
Better off just to play along with them!
"Yes, this all makes total, total sense," nodded Coward Lad. "I'm very
glad you brought
this all to my attention. I think our next move here is to get me out of
all these ropes
-- and then we can go back to the LNHHQ. And then have a big old
LNH/President
Comboverthing/NoKluAKon team-up to take down all these no gooders and save
our children.
Yeah, let's do that!" Hope this works! Hope this works!
The old bearded man shook his head. "Do you really think we're *that*
stupid?"
Not going to comment on that! Not going to comment on that, thought Coward Lad.
"We know -- *We know* that all you LNH'rs are also a part of this Sick Deep State Sex-
Trafficking Ring! We're not going to fall for your Deep State Trap! No,
why you're here
-- this is about something else entirely. It's about this!" The old man grabbed a video
and held it up. "You do know what this is?"
"Umm, a video tape?" said Coward Lad starting to feel some more dread in
his spine.
"Yes, but not just any tape. This is the VHS Bootleg of the Namer Boy Documentary!!" The
members began chanting, 'VHS Bootleg' over and over. "A snuff video
depicting the alleged
murder of Dr. You'll-Never-Guess-Which-Arthur-Spitzer-Character-I-Am-
NEVER! And it's banned. Do you know why it's banned?"
"Because -- it's a snuff film?" guessed Coward Lad.
"No, it's because the Deep State claims that anyone who has ever watched
this tape has
died. That there's some demonic entity within the tape that if you just
look at it -- *it
will destroy you*! That's what they claim. But I don't think that's the reason. I think
that's a lie. I think the real reason why this tape is banned is --
because it is the
Truth -- The Truth They Don't Want You to Know! But even if the tape is
some kind of a
death tape that kills anyone who watches it -- should the Deep State have
the power to ban
such a tape? Deny you the freedom to watch such a tape?"
"Umm, yes? Umm, yeah! Yeah!! I think the Government should definitely
ban VHS Tapes that
kill you if you watch them! Yes, I definitely think that is something that should be
banned!" Coward Lad said while nodding his head very rigorously.
"Well, unlike you -- I believe in freedom..." Coward Lad thought about pointing out the
ropes that were binding his arms and legs, but decided to keep his mouth
shut. Don't make
these people angry. Don't make them angry!
"And so we're going to watch this film -- and see who's right. The Deep
State science
nazis -- or the NoKluAKon! Truth or Death!!" The old bearded man walked
over and shoved
the tape into the VCR.
Coward Lad's eyes bugged out of his head! "Nonononononono -- NO!!!!!!!!
Don't do that!
Don't do that!! Sometimes scientists are right -- in fact most of the time they're right!!
God!! Please Stop!! For the Love of God, STOP!!!!" Coward Lad began
squirming very hard
in his ropes!
The old bearded man pushed play. Coward Lad closed his eyes as tightly as
he could. And
everyone waited. And waited. "Hmm, doesn't seem to be playing."
"Did you hook up the TV and VCR," asked one of the members.
"Oh, yeah. Good idea!" The old bearded man looked at the composite cable.
"Hmm. It
doesn't make sense! This cable has red, yellow, and white thingees -- but
the VCR only has
white and yellow holes. And then there's all these input and output holes
that are also
yellow and white on the TV!" The old man threw the composite cable down in frustration.
"Does anyone know how to do this? Hook this thing up? Anyone?!" There
were various
shrugs from all the members.
"You! LNH'r! Do you know how to hook this up?"
"Umm. Well, usually Contraption Man or Kid Kirby would hook up the VCR.
Maybe you could
kidnap one of them?" suggested Coward Lad.
"Maybe we should consult with the President's tweets? Maybe they can
answer the riddle of
the VCR hookup." Everyone else nodded and started chanting Tweets, Tweets.
And as they combed over the latest Comboverthing tweets something that
sounded a bit like a
chainsaw started to get louder and louder.
"Hey! There's some guy wearing a Namer Boy mask over his face. And he has
a chainsaw!"
pointed out one of the members towards the window. "Maybe he knows how to
hook up a VCR!"
"Nooonoono! Don't do that! Are you people crazy? Don't let in the guy wearing a Namer
Boy mask who has a chainsaw!! Don't do that!! Don't!!! Don't let him in here!!!!" said
an extremely agitated Coward Lad.
"Oh, is the big old hero scared of some guy wearing a Namer Boy mask who
has a chainsaw?
Is the big old hero scared of that?" said one of the more sarcastic members.
"Yes!!! I'm scared of people who wear Namer Boy masks who have running chainsaws!! Like
everyone should be!!!! Don't let him in here, you morons!!!!!"
But they ignored Coward Lad and opened up the door. "So, hey Mr. Chainsaw
Guy -- you know
how to hook up a VCR to a TV?"
The man wearing a Namer Boy mask pondered this question for a bit as if he
was surprised by
it and then after awhile of thinking he nodded his head. He walked over to
the TV and set
his bloody chainsaw down. And after a couple minutes of placing all the
white and yellow
thingees in the right holes, he got up and gave a thumbs up sign.
"Thanks, Mr. Chainsaw Guy! You really saved us! Hey, you want to stick around and watch
this with us? It's supposedly this 'Death' Tape that kills anyone who
watches it! At
least that's what those Deep State Nazi Scientists want you to think!"
The man with the Namer Boy mask silently shook his head and picked up his bloody chainsaw
again. The man with the Namer Boy mask might have been a psychopath with a taste for
violently dismembering sexy co-eds to death, but he was also a strong
believer in science.
Based on what was happening to Antartica Ice Shelf as well as all the
global temperature
data it was clear that the Scientists were right about Climate Change. And based on Covid
not magically disappearing just because some reality game show host wished
it to -- the
scientists had gotten that one right too. And if the scientists said that there was a tape
that if you watched it -- it would kill you? Well, then -- it was probably wise to listen
to the scientists about that one too. The man with the Namer Boy mask gave
a slight
goodbye wave and then exited out of the cabin and back in to the dark
forest.
"Your loss. Okay. Let's watch this baby! Truth or Death!!" And all the members chanted
Truth or Death.
Coward Lad turned his head as far away from the TV as he could and closed
his eyes very
tightly. "Don't do it! Don't do it!!" he pleaded. But it was futile.
They didn't
listen.
And the button PLAY was hit.
"Man, an FBI warning? Fast forward! Fast forward!! Why is there an FBI warning on a
bootleg tape? Fucking Deep State!!"
"Oh, it's started. Say, is that a bird? Looks like a parakeet. It seems
to be -- trying
to claw its way out. Out of the TV. Oh, wait -- is that?"
"Pumpkin! Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet!! Oh, God. It's getting through the TV.
It's...!"
And then Coward Lad heard a blood curdling scream. And there was this loud demonic screech
that was the most horrible thing that Coward Lad had ever heard. And then there were more
screams. People shouting various curse words. Someone shouted, 'Fake
News!' And just the
most horrible and awful screams. People prayed to President Comboverthing
to save them.
And more screams. And then Coward Lad just completely passed out from the sheer terror of
it all.
========
And then Coward Lad woke up. Was it just some horrible nightmare that he
had imagined?
And he opened his eyes. Oh, god. Oh, God!!
The ropes that had been restraining him had all been ripped to shreds. And there was blood
everywhere. And dead members of NoKluAKon all over the floor. And the occasional candy
corn colored feather. God, there was so much blood!
Just need to get out of this horrible place and -- thought Coward Lad. But before he could
finish that though there was a knock. A very loud and terrifying knock!
Oh, god! Please
stop knocking!! Coward Lad crawled up into a ball. Maybe what ever
horrible person was
knocking so loudly wouldn't see him? Maybe?
And then someone opened the door. "Hey, is this where the showing is?"
That voice sounded familiar. Why did it sound so familiar? Coward Lad
against his better
judgment decided to open his eyes back up. Bad move! "Oh, god. Naked
Man! Naked Man!!"
A very naked Charlie Sheen gave a shrug. "Yeah, I'm fucking Charlie
Sheen! What do you
expect!?" And then he turned his head outside the door. "Hey, you! We're fucking late!
Everyone's dead except for this prudish asshole that has a problem with me being naked! I
told you not to use the fucking brakes all the time! This is the last time
I ever let you
drive! You slow fucker!!"
A very large sabertooth tiger wearing a bowtie gave a shrug as he stepped
into the room.
Binky the Sabertooth Tiger sometimes wondered why he put up with this
abuse. This
relationship was starting to feel very toxic.
"And it looks like the TV and VCR are completely melted! So, we can't even watch this
'Death' Tape. This sucks! Fuck!! Well, let's see if they have any
leftover coke. Maybe
this trip won't be a total loss. Fuck!!"
And Coward Lad closed his eyes again. Very tightly! Please let them find coke! Please
let them find coke! Please!!!! A tear streamed down his eye.
Credits:
Coward Lad is Tom Russell and Cory Smith's
President Comboverthing is Something Unspeakable's
Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet and
Binky the Sabertooth Tiger are mine
Writer's Notes:
Man, 2020. It's been a year, hasn't it?
I did come up with plot ideas for this back in 2019, but it was originally going to be just
a bunch of College Coeds in a Cabin in the Woods who kidnapped Coward Lad because they were
horrible jerks. But as 2020 has become its own kind of real horror show I
made them into
this QAnon type cult (just a different kind of horrible jerk).
This all takes place on Earth Combover -- hopefully, this will be the last Pumpkin issue
set in this horrible, horrible place. Hopefully, the election turns out
well.
I'm not going to even commit to writing a third issue of this since I don't know how
horrible 2021 is going to be. But maybe if it isn't that horrible and I
can think of
something to write about for a third issue -- maybe that will happen.
Arthur "Can't wait till all this nonsense is over with..." Spitzer
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<div dir=3D"ltr"><br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 The VHS Bootleg Tape of The Namer Boy <br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 --<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0=
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 Documentary Project: Season Two #2<br><= br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 (A Hungry=
, Hungry Sabertooths! Tie-In!)<br><br><br><br><br>The Place -- Earth Combov= er...<br><br><br><br><br>Darkness.<br><br>A suffocating darkness.=C2=A0 And=
terror!=C2=A0 A *whole* lot of terror!!!!!<br><br>"Oh, God!" sai=
d Coward Lad his whole head covered in some type of sack.=C2=A0 And he coul= dn't <br>move.=C2=A0 His arms and legs were bound with some kind of rop= e.=C2=A0 He had been kidnapped and he <br>could hear his kidnappers mumblin=
g and muttering stuff. =C2=A0"Please!=C2=A0 Please don't kill me! = =C2=A0<br>Please, please, please!!!=C2=A0 Or hurt me!! Don't kill me or=
hurt me!!=C2=A0 I'll do anything you <br>ask!!=C2=A0 Please!!!!=C2=A0 =
Oh god."<br><br>"Relax, friend," said the voice of some guy = who took the sack off of his head. Some old guy <br>with a white beard. =C2= =A0"We're not here to hurt you.=C2=A0 We're here to educate yo= u!"<br><br>Coward Lad looked at the man.=C2=A0 The man was wearing one=
of those red MAGA hats.=C2=A0 And he had <br>no mask covering his face.=C2= =A0 And all the other people in the room (they were in some type of <br>a c= abin (probably in the woods)) also had the red MAGA hats on their heads and=
also no <br>masks. =C2=A0"Oh, no!=C2=A0 No masks!!=C2=A0 No masks!!!= =C2=A0 Please put the sack back over my head!! <br>Please!!!" =C2=A0An=
d then Coward Lad thought about all the Covid droplets sailing through the = <br>air right towards his mouth and nose and quickly shut his lips very tig= htly.<br><br>"Case in point," laughed the old bearded man, "= Masks.=C2=A0 Just fake news by the Deep State <br>Global Hollywood Pedophil=
e <a href=3D"
http://Illumi.net.us">Illumi.net.us</a> Cabal to steal the ele= ction from the one person <br>that can save us all.=C2=A0 Covid is just a s= cam to make us all slaves.=C2=A0 And even if it is real <br>what we need is=
Herd Mentality to defeat it and make it magically go away!=C2=A0 Not masks= !" =C2=A0<br>All the other members started chanting, 'Not masks=
9; over and over.<br><br>"Umm, are you talking about Herd Immunity?&qu= ot; said Coward Lad.<br><br>"Nope.=C2=A0 Pretty sure Herd Mentality is=
the correct term." =C2=A0Herd Mentality started to be <br>chanted ove=
r and over again. =C2=A0"But, as I said -- We are here to educate you = about the <br>*True* *Real* *Threats* that only the greatest of greatest sa= viors.=C2=A0 The One.=C2=A0 The Only. =C2=A0<br>The President Comboverthing= .=C2=A0 He who is destined to expose all of the Worst Sex Predator/<br>Pedo= phile/Deep State Sex-Traffickers that are trying to Defile Our Children!=C2= =A0 And to be <br>joined by NoKlu the secret anonymous source high in the g= overnment who disseminates coded <br>info to us using the messageboard KonJ= obChan that we the followers (The NoKluAKon) have to <br>decipher using the=
codes hidden within the gibberish of President Comboverthing's tweets.=
=C2=A0<br>And through that the *TRUTH*!"<br><br>Hmm, thought Coward L=
ad to himself, That doesn't really make any sense.=C2=A0 Wasn't <br= >Comboverthing pal's with the notorious sex predator Jeffrey Epstein?= =C2=A0 And didn't he hire <br>Alexander Acosta, a prosecutor who worked=
out some sweet heart deal for Epstein's awful sex <br>crimes, making h=
im Secretary of Labor?=C2=A0 And haven't a number of women accused Comb= overthing <br>of horrible sex crimes?=C2=A0 And hasn't he said a lot of=
horrible gross stuff about women <br>(including various sex comments about=
his own daughter)?=C2=A0 But on the other hand pointing <br>out facts and = evidence to these people would probably just make them very, *very* angry. = =C2=A0<br>Better off just to play along with them!<br><br>"Yes, this a=
ll makes total, total sense," nodded Coward Lad. =C2=A0"I'm v= ery glad you brought <br>this all to my attention.=C2=A0 I think our next m= ove here is to get me out of all these ropes <br>-- and then we can go back=
to the LNHHQ.=C2=A0 And then have a big old LNH/President <br>Comboverthin= g/NoKluAKon team-up to take down all these no gooders and save our children=
. =C2=A0<br>Yeah, let's do that!" =C2=A0Hope this works!=C2=A0 Hop=
e this works!<br><br>The old bearded man shook his head. =C2=A0"Do you=
really think we're *that* stupid?"<br><br>Not going to comment on=
that!=C2=A0 Not going to comment on that, thought Coward Lad.<br><br>"= ;We know -- *We know* that all you LNH'rs are also a part of this Sick = Deep State Sex-<br>Trafficking Ring!=C2=A0 We're not going to fall for = your Deep State Trap!=C2=A0 No, why you're here <br>-- this is about so= mething else entirely.=C2=A0 It's about this!" =C2=A0The old man g= rabbed a video <br>and held it up. =C2=A0"You do know what this is?&qu= ot;<br><br>"Umm, a video tape?" said Coward Lad starting to feel = some more dread in his spine.<br><br>"Yes, but not just any tape.=C2=
=A0 This is the VHS Bootleg of the Namer Boy Documentary!!" =C2=A0The = <br>members began chanting, 'VHS Bootleg' over and over. =C2=A0&quo= t;A snuff video depicting the alleged <br>murder of Dr. You'll-Never-Gu= ess-Which-Arthur-Spitzer-Character-I-Am-<br>NEVER!=C2=A0 And it's banne= d.=C2=A0 Do you know why it's banned?"<br><br>"Because -- it&= #39;s a snuff film?" guessed Coward Lad.<br><br>"No, it's bec= ause the Deep State claims that anyone who has ever watched this tape has <= br>died.=C2=A0 That there's some demonic entity within the tape that if=
you just look at it -- *it <br>will destroy you*!=C2=A0 That's what th=
ey claim.=C2=A0 But I don't think that's the reason.=C2=A0 I think = <br>that's a lie.=C2=A0 I think the real reason why this tape is banned=
is -- because it is the <br>Truth -- The Truth They Don't Want You to = Know!=C2=A0 But even if the tape is some kind of a <br>death tape that kill=
s anyone who watches it -- should the Deep State have the power to ban <br>= such a tape?=C2=A0 Deny you the freedom to watch such a tape?"<br><br>= "Umm, yes?=C2=A0 Umm, yeah!=C2=A0 Yeah!!=C2=A0 I think the Government = should definitely ban VHS Tapes that <br>kill you if you watch them!=C2=A0 = Yes, I definitely think that is something that should be <br>banned!" = Coward Lad said while nodding his head very rigorously.<br><br>"Well, = unlike you -- I believe in freedom..." =C2=A0Coward Lad thought about = pointing out the <br>ropes that were binding his arms and legs, but decided=
to keep his mouth shut.=C2=A0 Don't make <br>these people angry.=C2=A0=
Don't make them angry!<br><br>"And so we're going to watch th=
is film -- and see who's right.=C2=A0 The Deep State science <br>nazis =
-- or the NoKluAKon!=C2=A0 Truth or Death!!" =C2=A0The old bearded man=
walked over and shoved <br>the tape into the VCR.<br><br>Coward Lad's = eyes bugged out of his head! =C2=A0"Nonononononono -- NO!!!!!!!!=C2=A0=
Don't do that! =C2=A0<br>Don't do that!!=C2=A0 Sometimes scientist=
s are right -- in fact most of the time they're right!! =C2=A0<br>God!!=
Please Stop!!=C2=A0 For the Love of God, STOP!!!!" =C2=A0Coward Lad b= egan squirming very hard <br>in his ropes!<br><br>The old bearded man pushe=
d play.=C2=A0 Coward Lad closed his eyes as tightly as he could.=C2=A0 And = <br>everyone waited.=C2=A0 And waited. =C2=A0"Hmm, doesn't seem to=
be playing."<br><br>"Did you hook up the TV and VCR," asked=
one of the members.<br><br>"Oh, yeah.=C2=A0 Good idea!" =C2=A0Th=
e old bearded man looked at the composite cable. =C2=A0"Hmm.=C2=A0 It = <br>doesn't make sense!=C2=A0 This cable has red, yellow, and white thi= ngees -- but the VCR only has <br>white and yellow holes.=C2=A0 And then th= ere's all these input and output holes that are also <br>yellow and whi=
te on the TV!" =C2=A0The old man threw the composite cable down in fru= stration. =C2=A0<br>"Does anyone know how to do this?=C2=A0 Hook this = thing up?=C2=A0 Anyone?!" =C2=A0There were various <br>shrugs from all=
the members.<br><br>"You!=C2=A0 LNH'r!=C2=A0 Do you know how to h= ook this up?"<br><br>"Umm.=C2=A0 Well, usually Contraption Man or=
Kid Kirby would hook up the VCR.=C2=A0 Maybe you could <br>kidnap one of t= hem?" suggested Coward Lad.<br><br>"Maybe we should consult with = the President's tweets?=C2=A0 Maybe they can answer the riddle of <br>t=
he VCR hookup." =C2=A0Everyone else nodded and started chanting Tweets=
, Tweets.<br><br>And as they combed over the latest Comboverthing tweets so= mething that sounded a bit like a <br>chainsaw started to get louder and lo= uder.<br><br>"Hey!=C2=A0 There's some guy wearing a Namer Boy mask=
over his face.=C2=A0 And he has a chainsaw!" <br>pointed out one of t=
he members towards the window. =C2=A0"Maybe he knows how to hook up a = VCR!"<br><br>"Nooonoono!=C2=A0 Don't do that!=C2=A0 Are you p= eople crazy?=C2=A0 Don't let in the guy wearing a Namer <br>Boy mask wh=
o has a chainsaw!!=C2=A0 Don't do that!!=C2=A0 Don't!!!=C2=A0 Don&#= 39;t let him in here!!!!" said <br>an extremely agitated Coward Lad.<b= r><br>"Oh, is the big old hero scared of some guy wearing a Namer Boy = mask who has a chainsaw? =C2=A0<br>Is the big old hero scared of that?"=
; said one of the more sarcastic members.<br><br>"Yes!!!=C2=A0 I'm=
scared of people who wear Namer Boy masks who have running chainsaws!!=C2=
=A0 Like <br>everyone should be!!!!=C2=A0 Don't let him in here, you mo= rons!!!!!"<br><br><br>But they ignored Coward Lad and opened up the do= or. =C2=A0"So, hey Mr. Chainsaw Guy -- you know <br>how to hook up a V=
CR to a TV?"<br><br>The man wearing a Namer Boy mask pondered this que= stion for a bit as if he was surprised by <br>it and then after awhile of t= hinking he nodded his head.=C2=A0 He walked over to the TV and set <br>his = bloody chainsaw down.=C2=A0 And after a couple minutes of placing all the w= hite and yellow <br>thingees in the right holes, he got up and gave a thumb=
s up sign.<br><br>"Thanks, Mr. Chainsaw Guy!=C2=A0 You really saved us=
! =C2=A0 Hey, you want to stick around and watch <br>this with us?=C2=A0 It= 's supposedly this 'Death' Tape that kills anyone who watches i= t!=C2=A0 At <br>least that's what those Deep State Nazi Scientists want=
you to think!"<br><br>The man with the Namer Boy mask silently shook = his head and picked up his bloody chainsaw <br>again.=C2=A0 The man with th=
e Namer Boy mask might have been a psychopath with a taste for <br>violentl=
y dismembering sexy co-eds to death, but he was also a strong believer in s= cience. =C2=A0<br>Based on what was happening to Antartica Ice Shelf as wel=
l as all the global temperature <br>data it was clear that the Scientists w= ere right about Climate Change.=C2=A0 And based on Covid <br>not magically = disappearing just because some reality game show host wished it to -- the <= br>scientists had gotten that one right too.=C2=A0 And if the scientists sa=
id that there was a tape <br>that if you watched it -- it would kill you?= =C2=A0 Well, then -- it was probably wise to listen <br>to the scientists a= bout that one too.=C2=A0 The man with the Namer Boy mask gave a slight <br>= goodbye wave and then exited out of the cabin and back in to the dark fores= t.<br><br>"Your loss.=C2=A0 Okay.=C2=A0 Let's watch this baby!=C2=
=A0 Truth or Death!!" =C2=A0And all the members chanted <br>Truth or D= eath.<br><br>Coward Lad turned his head as far away from the TV as he could=
and closed his eyes very <br>tightly. =C2=A0"Don't do it!=C2=A0 D= on't do it!!" he pleaded.=C2=A0 But it was futile.=C2=A0 They didn= 't <br>listen.<br><br>And the button PLAY was hit.<br><br>"Man, an=
FBI warning?=C2=A0 Fast forward!=C2=A0 Fast forward!!=C2=A0 Why is there a=
n FBI warning on a <br>bootleg tape?=C2=A0 Fucking Deep State!!"<br><b= r>"Oh, it's started.=C2=A0 Say, is that a bird?=C2=A0 Looks like a=
parakeet.=C2=A0 It seems to be -- trying <br>to claw its way out.=C2=A0 Ou=
t of the TV.=C2=A0 Oh, wait -- is that?"<br><br>"Pumpkin!=C2=A0 P= umpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet!!=C2=A0 Oh, God.=C2=A0 It's getti=
ng through the TV. =C2=A0<br>It's...!"<br><br>And then Coward Lad = heard a blood curdling scream.=C2=A0 And there was this loud demonic screec=
h <br>that was the most horrible thing that Coward Lad had ever heard.=C2=
=A0 And then there were more <br>screams.=C2=A0 People shouting various cur=
se words.=C2=A0 Someone shouted, 'Fake News!' =C2=A0And just the <b= r>most horrible and awful screams.=C2=A0 People prayed to President Combove= rthing to save them. =C2=A0<br>And more screams.=C2=A0 And then Coward Lad = just completely passed out from the sheer terror of <br>it all.<br><br>=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D<br><br>And then Coward Lad woke up.=C2=A0 Was it just=
some horrible nightmare that he had imagined? =C2=A0<br>And he opened his = eyes.=C2=A0 Oh, god.=C2=A0 Oh, God!!<br><br>The ropes that had been restrai= ning him had all been ripped to shreds.=C2=A0 And there was blood <br>every= where.=C2=A0 And dead members of NoKluAKon all over the floor.=C2=A0 And th=
e occasional candy <br>corn colored feather.=C2=A0 God, there was so much b= lood!<br><br>Just need to get out of this horrible place and -- thought Cow= ard Lad.=C2=A0 But before he could <br>finish that though there was a knock= .=C2=A0 A very loud and terrifying knock!=C2=A0 Oh, god!=C2=A0 Please <br>s= top knocking!!=C2=A0 Coward Lad crawled up into a ball.=C2=A0 Maybe what ev=
er horrible person was <br>knocking so loudly wouldn't see him?=C2=A0 M= aybe?<br><br>And then someone opened the door. =C2=A0"Hey, is this whe=
re the showing is?"<br><br>That voice sounded familiar.=C2=A0 Why did =
it sound so familiar?=C2=A0 Coward Lad against his better <br>judgment deci= ded to open his eyes back up.=C2=A0 Bad move! =C2=A0"Oh, god.=C2=A0 Na= ked Man!=C2=A0 Naked Man!!"<br><br>A very naked Charlie Sheen gave a s= hrug. =C2=A0"Yeah, I'm fucking Charlie Sheen!=C2=A0 What do you <b= r>expect!?" And then he turned his head outside the door. =C2=A0"= Hey, you!=C2=A0 We're fucking late! =C2=A0<br>Everyone's dead excep=
t for this prudish asshole that has a problem with me being naked!=C2=A0 I = <br>told you not to use the fucking brakes all the time!=C2=A0 This is the = last time I ever let you <br>drive!=C2=A0 You slow fucker!!"<br><br>A = very large sabertooth tiger wearing a bowtie gave a shrug as he stepped int=
o the room. =C2=A0<br>Binky the Sabertooth Tiger sometimes wondered why he = put up with this abuse.=C2=A0 This <br>relationship was starting to feel ve=
ry toxic.<br><br>"And it looks like the TV and VCR are completely melt= ed!=C2=A0 So, we can't even watch this <br>'Death' Tape.=C2=A0 = This sucks!=C2=A0 Fuck!!=C2=A0 Well, let's see if they have any leftove=
r coke.=C2=A0 Maybe <br>this trip won't be a total loss.=C2=A0 Fuck!!&q= uot;<br><br>And Coward Lad closed his eyes again.=C2=A0 Very tightly!=C2=A0=
Please let them find coke!=C2=A0 Please <br>let them find coke!=C2=A0 Plea= se!!!!=C2=A0 A tear streamed down his eye.<br><br><br>Credits:<br><br>Cowar=
d Lad is Tom Russell and Cory Smith's<br>President Comboverthing is Som= ething Unspeakable's<br>Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet and<br>B= inky the Sabertooth Tiger are mine<br><br>Writer's Notes:<br><br>Man, 2= 020.=C2=A0 It's been a year, hasn't it?<br><br>I did come up with p= lot ideas for this back in 2019, but it was originally going to be just <br=
a bunch of College Coeds in a Cabin in the Woods who kidnapped Coward Lad = because they were <br>horrible jerks.=C2=A0 But as 2020 has become its own = kind of real horror show I made them into <br>this QAnon type cult (just a = different kind of horrible jerk).<br><br>This all takes place on Earth Comb= over -- hopefully, this will be the last Pumpkin issue <br>set in this horr= ible, horrible place.=C2=A0 Hopefully, the election turns out well.<br><br>= I'm not going to even commit to writing a third issue of this since I d= on't know how <br>horrible 2021 is going to be.=C2=A0 But maybe if it i= sn't that horrible and I can think of <br>something to write about for =
a third issue -- maybe that will happen.<br><br>Arthur "Can't wait=
till all this nonsense is over with..." Spitzer<br></div>
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