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Tis the Namer Boy Season!
The Namer Boy -- Documentary Project: Season One #1
The Ultimate Ninja looked at the various papers he had just been handed
with a
suspicious expression. "What is this?"
"They're umm papers," said Namer Boy with a slightly worried look on his
face.
"Papers that I need you to sign because of this Documentary that's being
made about
me."
"Documentary?"
"Yeah. It's a bunch of legal stuff. The people who are making the
documentary need
you to sign them so they can like have your full permission to film on the LNHHQ and
interview the various LNH'rs. It's, I guess, standard stuff." Namer Boy
said with a
tiny shrug.
"Wait. They're making a documentary about you? That's what you're
saying?" said the
ninja with a tone of complete and utter disbelief.
"Yep! It's going to be like a 24 episodes documentary (each an hour long) that's
going to air on USENetflix. They're going to film my life for a whole
year. And
maybe if it's popular there'll be like a season two!"
"No," said the ninja shaking his head. "This sounds like a prank.
Probably by
Sarcastic Lad -- Frat Boy -- maybe Invisible Incendiary. Yes. That's
probably it."
"Umm, I think it's real, UN -- I mean -- the people I've been talking to -- well, it
sounded legit. I don't think it's a prank."
"Why? Why would anyone in their right mind do a documentary about you of
all people?
I mean there are literally over a thousand members of the LNH that would
make a more
interesting subject than you would. I mean pretty much every single LNH'r there has
ever been or every will be would be a better choice (well of course
ignoring Never-
Should-Have-A-Documentary-Made-About-Them Pirate Gorilla Robohunk)."
"Err -- umm..."
"I mean if it's not a prank -- then it must be some super villain plot.
Hmm," said
the ninja mulling that idea over for a bit. "But why would any super
villain do
this? They would surely know that I would never ever approve of something
as stupid
as this. But wait," the ninja gave another long dramatic pause, "Is that
part of the
plan? That they expect me to NOT sign off on this obvious cinematic abomination. Is
that the long game here? Is that what they're expecting me to do?"
"Err...?"
"Yes, that could be it. It makes perfect sense. Any mastermind worth
their salt
would know that I would never ever approve of a Namer Boy documentary --
that it
would never ever happen on my watch. And that's how it begins. How it all begins!
Some dark timeline leading to an apocalyptic future that could have been
easily
stopped if only I had done this stupid and absurd act of signing these
papers. Hmm."
And then there was some more dramatic silence as the Ultimate Ninja just
gazed at the
papers deep in thought -- deep in calculation of all the possible timelines that
could happen. And Namer Boy was also very silent -- afraid to say anything
or even
breath.
And finally, "Okay. Guess I'll sign them." The Ultimate Ninja made
various
scribbles on the various papers and handed them back to Namer Boy.
"Umm, thanks," said a nervous Namer Boy edging slowly towards the door.
"And if this turns out to be a prank?" the Ultimate Ninja made a gesture towards his
Ginsu Katana and then made some stabby motions with it.
******** *********
"YES!!" chortled a (man?) wearing a ski mask over (his?) face gazing into a monitor
screen that showed the Ultimate Ninja and Namer Boy. This mysterious
person wore a
shirt with the words 'Dr. You'll-Never-Guess-Which-Arthur-Spitzer-Character-I-Am-
NEVER!' in bold print. And he (okay, he's a male -- I don't have the
patience to
keep adding these parentheses) was also sporting some flashy looking MC
Hammer
parachute pants.
Two guys in cop uniforms were busy filming him while he continued cackling.
"Yes.
All my carefully planned machinations have all led to this! All the Flame Wars,
Killfile Wars, Infinite Aprils, Beige Midnights, Beige Beer o'Clocks, Wikilulls,
9-11s, the Comboverthing Presidency -- all of it. Right here! Right now!
Now it's
finally happening! The Ultimate Plot of all Ultimate Plots!! This is it!
It's been
leading to this! But -- what you ask? What am I talking about?"
And the masked villain gave a long dramatic pause. And popped some candy
in his
mouth.
"So should we keep filming," said one of the camera guys by the name of
Sarge.
"Yes, yes!! Keep filming! I'm just having a long dramatic pause! But
keep filming!
Okay, where was I?"
"You were about to reveal what you were talking about?" said the other
camera guy by
the name of Kid.
"Right, right! Yes, yes," the masked villain cleared his throat. "The
Namer Boy
Documentary!! That's what this has all been leading to!! Every single LNH story has
been leading to this moment!! And now that the Ultimate Ninja has
foolishly signed
those papers -- nothing can stop it!!! Nothing!!!!
"But what no one knows except for me -- is that this Documentary is not
going to be
about Namer Boy! No, it was never going to be about Namer Boy!! NEVER!!!
But
what's it going to be about, you ask, dear viewer? Can you even dare to guess?"
"I dunno. Maybe it will be about Brad Pitt?" asked Kid.
"God. That would be so freakin' lame!" said Sarge shaking his head.
"No! You're not having this, 'Is Brad Pitt lame?' debate!! I forbid it!!
No, this
documentary is not about Namer Boy or Brad Pitt..."
"Thank God.." said a very relieved Sarge.
"It's going to be about me!!! Yes, ME!!!!! All me!!!! All the billions
of people
in the Looniverse that will watch this Namer Boy documentary..."
"Hmm. Billions seems a bit high. Maybe more like.." said Kid counting his fingers
on one hand.
"They're going to see a documentary about me instead!! Muhahahahahhahh!
Yes!! And
they'll wonder who is this sexy hunk of mysterious MASTERMIND. They'll be
so
completely riveted by that question -- Yes. They'll talk about it with
their work
mates at the old water cooler! It will be a bigger trender on the old
social media
majiggy!! They'll be talking! They'll all be talking. But they won't be
able to
guess. No! They'll have to wait for the final episode where it will be revealed who
I am! And they'll think to themselves, 'Ah! Should've guessed that! That
was quite
obvious really! Of course it would be him! The most awesome, greatest, sexiest of
all of the LNH villains!!' But they won't guess it! Nope!!!" And he
popped another
piece of candy into his mouth.
"Wow. That sounds great -- and we're going to be the regular film crew for this
whole thingee, right? Because I could really use the steady paycheck,"
asked Sarge.
"Yes, yes, yes. Anyways... oh," the mysterious ski-masked man winced his
face and
clutched his hand on his chest. "Uhggg. Don't feel so good. Maybe too
much
Halloween candy? Oh, Jesus." He suddenly had a panicked look as if he
could feel
something horrible was about to happen.
And then a huge red geyser started spraying out of his chest as a parakeet covered in
that same blood and wearing a tiny witches hat burst out of it. The
parakeet
screeched like a demon from hell.
A very shocked Kid dropped his camera and started to blast the room with bullets.
And Sarge (still filming all this) shouted, "No! Stop shooting, Kid!
That's Pumpkin
the Halloween Miracle Parakeet!! She really hates people who try to shoot
at her!
Plus she's got like this blood that's stronger than the strongest acid so
you really
don't want to wound her!"
"Oh!" An embarrassed Kid pulled his weapon down, "Sorry, Pumpkin! I
didn't realize
you were one of the Holiday Miracle Pets! I thought you were just your
every day
typical parakeet that bursts out of people's chests! My bad!"
Pumpkin didn't bother responding back -- instead she burst out of one of
the windows
as if she had way betters things to do than accept some stupid human's
apology. This
was Halloween after all! There would be Miracles. And there would be
Blood!
"Hey, hey, hey!!" shouted a naked Charlie Sheen who had just come out of
one of the
second floor rooms. "Could you assholes keep it down? I'm trying to snort coke off
of my sabertooth tiger Binky's testicles!! Jesus! This is Halloween!
Show some
respect!" And there was a loud roar coming from that room. A roar from
some animal
that should have remained extinct if it weren't for the work of mad
scientists
playing god. Charlie Sheen went back into his room and slammed the door
shut.
"Sorry, Mr. Sheen and Mr. Binky!" said Sarge. "Won't happen again!"
"Oh, man, Sarge," said a very distressed Kid. "Is ski mask guy dead?"
Sarge examined the body. "'Fraid so. I mean I think he could have
survived the
burst chest, but all those gunshots he took..."
"Whoops!" said Kid looking very sheepishly at his gun. "Guess this means
that that
Namer Boy documentary isn't going to happen. Hmm. Guess we'll never find
out who
this guy really was."
"Oh, I wouldn't say that," said Sarge as he removed the ski mask off the
man. "Then
again. Yeah, I don't who the hell this guy is."
"Me either!" said Kid with a shrug.
"Well, anyways, Happy Halloween -- Kid!"
"Yeah, Happy Halloween, Sarge!"
"Jesus!! Shut the fuck up!!!!" raged Charlie Sheen.
******* **********
Credits:
The Ultimate Ninja -- wReam
Namer Boy, Sarge, Kid,
Dr. You'll-Never-Guess-Which-Arthur-Spitzer-Character-I-Am-NEVER!,
Binky the Sabertooth Tiger, and Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet are
all mine.
Writer's Notes: When I first thought of doing this story I wasn't planning
on
being as obvious about who the mysterious villain was, but since Drew
posted
that link to Greatest-Most-Awesome-LNH-Villain-Ever Master Man I might as
well
be more obvious. So, yeah, It's that guy. And I'll assume he's way too awesome to die from a burst chest and multiple gun wounds -- so if anyone
still
wants to use him for stuff -- go ahead.
And I've got an idea for a second issue -- so maybe expect that in 2020..
Here's some roster stuff for Pumpkin:
Name: Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet
Appearance: She's a parakeet that's the same color as candy corn (although
a lot of time splattered in blood. Where's a tiny witches hat.
Powers: Can transform into any type of Halloween candy. Also very good at bursting out of people's chests. And various other Halloween miracle
powers.
Usability: Free for use (although only during the Halloween season)
Hollywood Celebrity Totem: Charlie Sheen
Arthur "Boo!" Spitzer
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<div dir=3D"ltr"><br><br><br><br><br>Tis the Namer Boy Season!<br><br><br><= br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0The Namer Boy -- Documen= tary Project: Season One #1<br><br><br>The Ultimate Ninja looked at the var= ious papers he had just been handed with a <br>suspicious expression. =C2= =A0"What is this?"<br><br>"They're umm papers," sai=
d Namer Boy with a slightly worried look on his face. =C2=A0<br>"Paper=
s that I need you to sign because of this Documentary that's being made=
about <br>me."<br><br>"Documentary?"<br><br>"Yeah.=C2=
=A0 It's a bunch of legal stuff.=C2=A0 The people who are making the do= cumentary need <br>you to sign them so they can like have your full permiss= ion to film on the LNHHQ and <br>interview the various LNH'rs.=C2=A0 It= 's, I guess, standard stuff." =C2=A0Namer Boy said with a <br>tiny=
shrug.<br><br>"Wait.=C2=A0 They're making a documentary about you= ?=C2=A0 That's what you're saying?" said the <br>ninja with a = tone of complete and utter disbelief.<br><br>"Yep!=C2=A0 It's goin=
g to be like a 24 episodes documentary (each an hour long) that's <br>g= oing to air on USENetflix.=C2=A0 They're going to film my life for a wh= ole year.=C2=A0 And <br>maybe if it's popular there'll be like a se= ason two!"<br><br>"No," said the ninja shaking his head. =C2= =A0"This sounds like a prank.=C2=A0 Probably by <br>Sarcastic Lad -- F= rat Boy -- maybe Invisible Incendiary.=C2=A0 Yes.=C2=A0 That's probably=
it."<br><br>"Umm, I think it's real, UN -- I mean -- the peo= ple I've been talking to -- well, it <br>sounded legit.=C2=A0 I don'=
;t think it's a prank."<br><br>"Why?=C2=A0 Why would anyone i=
n their right mind do a documentary about you of all people? =C2=A0<br>I me=
an there are literally over a thousand members of the LNH that would make a=
more <br>interesting subject than you would.=C2=A0 I mean pretty much ever=
y single LNH'r there has <br>ever been or every will be would be a bett=
er choice (well of course ignoring Never-<br>Should-Have-A-Documentary-Made= -About-Them Pirate Gorilla Robohunk)."<br><br>"Err -- umm..."= ;<br><br>"I mean if it's not a prank -- then it must be some super=
villain plot.=C2=A0 Hmm," said <br>the ninja mulling that idea over f=
or a bit. =C2=A0"But why would any super villain do <br>this?=C2=A0 Th=
ey would surely know that I would never ever approve of something as stupid=
<br>as this.=C2=A0 But wait," the ninja gave another long dramatic pa= use, "Is that part of the <br>plan?=C2=A0 That they expect me to NOT s= ign off on this obvious cinematic abomination.=C2=A0 Is <br>that the long g= ame here?=C2=A0 Is that what they're expecting me to do?"<br><br>&= quot;Err...?"<br><br>"Yes, that could be it.=C2=A0 It makes perfe=
ct sense.=C2=A0 Any mastermind worth their salt <br>would know that I would=
never ever approve of a Namer Boy documentary -- that it <br>would never e= ver happen on my watch.=C2=A0 And that's how it begins.=C2=A0 How it al=
l begins! =C2=A0<br>Some dark timeline leading to an apocalyptic future tha=
t could have been easily <br>stopped if only I had done this stupid and abs= urd act of signing these papers.=C2=A0 Hmm."<br><br>And then there was=
some more dramatic silence as the Ultimate Ninja just gazed at the <br>pap= ers deep in thought -- deep in calculation of all the possible timelines th=
at <br>could happen.=C2=A0 And Namer Boy was also very silent -- afraid to = say anything or even <br>breath.<br><br>And finally, "Okay.=C2=A0 Gues=
s I'll sign them." =C2=A0The Ultimate Ninja made various <br>scrib= bles on the various papers and handed them back to Namer Boy.<br><br>"= Umm, thanks," said a nervous Namer Boy edging slowly towards the door.= <br><br>"And if this turns out to be a prank?" the Ultimate Ninja=
made a gesture towards his <br>Ginsu Katana and then made some stabby moti= ons with it.<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0=
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0******** *********<br><br>"YES!!&qu= ot; chortled a (man?) wearing a ski mask over (his?) face gazing into a mon= itor <br>screen that showed the Ultimate Ninja and Namer Boy.=C2=A0 This my= sterious person wore a <br>shirt with the words 'Dr. You'll-Never-G= uess-Which-Arthur-Spitzer-Character-I-Am-<br>NEVER!' in bold print.=C2=
=A0 And he (okay, he's a male -- I don't have the patience to <br>k= eep adding these parentheses) was also sporting some flashy looking MC Hamm=
er <br>parachute pants. =C2=A0<br><br>Two guys in cop uniforms were busy fi= lming him while he continued cackling. =C2=A0"Yes. =C2=A0<br>All my ca= refully planned machinations have all led to this!=C2=A0 All the Flame Wars=
, <br>Killfile Wars, Infinite Aprils, Beige Midnights, Beige Beer o'Clo= cks, Wikilulls, <br>9-11s, the Comboverthing Presidency -- all of it.=C2=A0=
Right here!=C2=A0 Right now!=C2=A0 Now it's <br>finally happening!=C2=
=A0 The Ultimate Plot of all Ultimate Plots!!=C2=A0 This is it!=C2=A0 It= 9;s been <br>leading to this!=C2=A0 But -- what you ask?=C2=A0 What am I ta= lking about?"<br><br>And the masked villain gave a long dramatic pause= .=C2=A0 And popped some candy in his <br>mouth.<br><br>"So should we k= eep filming," said one of the camera guys by the name of Sarge.<br><br= >"Yes, yes!!=C2=A0 Keep filming!=C2=A0 I'm just having a long dram= atic pause!=C2=A0 But keep filming! =C2=A0<br>Okay, where was I?"<br><= br>"You were about to reveal what you were talking about?" said t=
he other camera guy by <br>the name of Kid.<br><br>"Right, right! =C2=
=A0 Yes, yes," the masked villain cleared his throat. =C2=A0"The = Namer Boy <br>Documentary!!=C2=A0 That's what this has all been leading=
to!!=C2=A0 Every single LNH story has <br>been leading to this moment!!=C2= =A0 And now that the Ultimate Ninja has foolishly signed <br>those papers -=
- nothing can stop it!!!=C2=A0 Nothing!!!!<br><br>"But what no one kno=
ws except for me -- is that this Documentary is not going to be <br>about N= amer Boy!=C2=A0 No, it was never going to be about Namer Boy!!=C2=A0 NEVER!= !!=C2=A0 But <br>what's it going to be about, you ask, dear viewer?=C2=
=A0 Can you even dare to guess?"<br><br>"I dunno.=C2=A0 Maybe it = will be about Brad Pitt?" asked Kid.<br><br>"God.=C2=A0 That woul=
d be so freakin' lame!" said Sarge shaking his head.<br><br>"= No!=C2=A0 You're not having this, 'Is Brad Pitt lame?' debate!!= =C2=A0 I forbid it!!=C2=A0 No, this <br>documentary is not about Namer Boy =
or Brad Pitt..."<br><br>"Thank God.." said a very relieved S= arge.<br><br>"It's going to be about me!!!=C2=A0 Yes, ME!!!!!=C2=
=A0 All me!!!!=C2=A0 All the billions of people <br>in the Looniverse that = will watch this Namer Boy documentary..."<br><br>"Hmm.=C2=A0 Bill= ions seems a bit high.=C2=A0 Maybe more like.." said Kid counting his = fingers <br>on one hand.<br><br>"They're going to see a documentar=
y about me instead!!=C2=A0 Muhahahahahhahh!=C2=A0 Yes!!=C2=A0 And <br>they&= #39;ll wonder who is this sexy hunk of mysterious MASTERMIND.=C2=A0 They= 9;ll be so <br>completely riveted by that question -- Yes.=C2=A0 They'l=
l talk about it with their work <br>mates at the old water cooler!=C2=A0 It=
will be a bigger trender on the old social media <br>majiggy!!=C2=A0 They&= #39;ll be talking!=C2=A0 They'll all be talking.=C2=A0 But they won'=
;t be able to <br>guess.=C2=A0 No!=C2=A0 They'll have to wait for the f= inal episode where it will be revealed who <br>I am!=C2=A0 And they'll = think to themselves, 'Ah!=C2=A0 Should've guessed that!=C2=A0 That = was quite <br>obvious really!=C2=A0 Of course it would be him!=C2=A0 The mo=
st awesome, greatest, sexiest of <br>all of the LNH villains!!' =C2=A0B=
ut they won't guess it!=C2=A0 Nope!!!" =C2=A0And he popped another=
<br>piece of candy into his mouth.<br><br>"Wow.=C2=A0 That sounds gre=
at -- and we're going to be the regular film crew for this <br>whole th= ingee, right?=C2=A0 Because I could really use the steady paycheck," a= sked Sarge.<br><br>"Yes, yes, yes.=C2=A0 Anyways... oh," the myst= erious ski-masked man winced his face and <br>clutched his hand on his ches=
t. =C2=A0"Uhggg.=C2=A0 Don't feel so good.=C2=A0 Maybe too much <b= r>Halloween candy?=C2=A0 Oh, Jesus." =C2=A0He suddenly had a panicked = look as if he could feel <br>something horrible was about to happen.<br><br= >And then a huge red geyser started spraying out of his chest as a parakeet=
covered in <br>that same blood and wearing a tiny witches hat burst out of=
it.=C2=A0 The parakeet <br>screeched like a demon from hell.<br><br>A very=
shocked Kid dropped his camera and started to blast the room with bullets.=
=C2=A0<br>And Sarge (still filming all this) shouted, "No!=C2=A0 Stop=
shooting, Kid!=C2=A0 That's Pumpkin <br>the Halloween Miracle Parakeet= !!=C2=A0 She really hates people who try to shoot at her! =C2=A0<br>Plus sh= e's got like this blood that's stronger than the strongest acid so = you really <br>don't want to wound her!"<br><br>"Oh!" = =C2=A0An embarrassed Kid pulled his weapon down, "Sorry, Pumpkin!=C2=
=A0 I didn't realize <br>you were one of the Holiday Miracle Pets!=C2=
=A0 I thought you were just your every day <br>typical parakeet that bursts=
out of people's chests!=C2=A0 My bad!"<br><br>Pumpkin didn't = bother responding back -- instead she burst out of one of the windows <br>a=
s if she had way betters things to do than accept some stupid human's a= pology.=C2=A0 This <br>was Halloween after all!=C2=A0 There would be Miracl= es.=C2=A0 And there would be Blood!<br><br>"Hey, hey, hey!!" shou= ted a naked Charlie Sheen who had just come out of one of the <br>second fl= oor rooms. =C2=A0"Could you assholes keep it down?=C2=A0 I'm tryin=
g to snort coke off <br>of my sabertooth tiger Binky's testicles!!=C2=
=A0 Jesus!=C2=A0 This is Halloween!=C2=A0 Show some <br>respect!" =C2= =A0And there was a loud roar coming from that room.=C2=A0 A roar from some = animal <br>that should have remained extinct if it weren't for the work=
of mad scientists <br>playing god.=C2=A0 Charlie Sheen went back into his = room and slammed the door shut.<br><br>"Sorry, Mr. Sheen and Mr. Binky= !" said Sarge. =C2=A0"Won't happen again!"<br><br>"= Oh, man, Sarge," said a very distressed Kid. =C2=A0"Is ski mask g=
uy dead?"<br><br>Sarge examined the body. =C2=A0"'Fraid so.= =C2=A0 I mean I think he could have survived the <br>burst chest, but all t= hose gunshots he took..."<br><br>"Whoops!" said Kid looking = very sheepishly at his gun. =C2=A0"Guess this means that that <br>Name=
r Boy documentary isn't going to happen.=C2=A0 Hmm.=C2=A0 Guess we'=
ll never find out who <br>this guy really was."<br><br>"Oh, I wou= ldn't say that," said Sarge as he removed the ski mask off the man=
. =C2=A0"Then <br>again.=C2=A0 Yeah, I don't who the hell this guy=
is."<br><br>"Me either!" said Kid with a shrug.<br><br>&quo= t;Well, anyways, Happy Halloween -- Kid!"<br><br>"Yeah, Happy Hal= loween, Sarge!"<br><br>"Jesus!! Shut the fuck up!!!!" raged = Charlie Sheen.<br><br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 = =C2=A0 =C2=A0******* **********<br><br>Credits:<br><br>The Ultimate Ninja -=
- wReam<br><br>Namer Boy, Sarge, Kid,<br>Dr. You'll-Never-Guess-Which-A= rthur-Spitzer-Character-I-Am-NEVER!,<br>Binky the Sabertooth Tiger, and Pum= pkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet are<br>all mine.<br><br>Writer's No= tes: =C2=A0When I first thought of doing this story I wasn't planning o= n<br>being as obvious about who the mysterious villain was, but since Drew = posted <br>that link to Greatest-Most-Awesome-LNH-Villain-Ever Master Man I=
might as well<br>be more obvious.=C2=A0 So, yeah, It's that guy.=C2=A0=
And I'll assume he's way too<br>awesome to die from a burst chest = and multiple gun wounds -- so if anyone still<br>wants to use him for stuff=
-- go ahead.<br><br>And I've got an idea for a second issue -- so mayb=
e expect that in 2020..<br><br>Here's some roster stuff for Pumpkin:<br= ><br>Name: =C2=A0Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet<br><br>Appearance: = =C2=A0She's a parakeet that's the same color as candy corn (althoug= h<br>a lot of time splattered in blood.=C2=A0 Where's a tiny witches ha= t.<br><br>Powers: =C2=A0Can transform into any type of Halloween candy.=C2=
=A0 Also very good at<br>bursting out of people's chests.=C2=A0 And var= ious other Halloween miracle powers.<br><br>Usability: =C2=A0Free for use (= although only during the Halloween season)<br><br>Hollywood Celebrity Totem=
: =C2=A0Charlie Sheen<br><br><br>Arthur "Boo!" Spitzer<br></div>
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