Freeagentprose wrote:
Take Me Away
Take me away..take me away
To where the sails billow against the sky
Out there where the seabirds fly
The creak of the timbers, the ocean does its dance
Songs of the sirens call
Cut through me like a lance
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
Take me away..take me today
To where the deserts haven't seen the rain
Since the old ones became forgotten names
Mesas bear the sky
Like pillars old as time
Wails of the warriors' ghosts,
Feel the hoofbeats as they ride
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
Buy me a ticket..that only goes one way
To where Atlantis hides her secrets
Through the Pillars of Hercules
White ruins remember
They remember the flames
Alexandria cried her unseen tears
Forgotten years..forgotten names
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
https://youtu.be/QipdnhEZXKQ?si=DDQT2Li0pSdYa1EG
Freeagentprose wrote:
Take Me Away
Take me away..take me away
To where the sails billow against the sky
Out there where the seabirds fly
The creak of the timbers, the ocean does its dance
Songs of the sirens call
Cut through me like a lance
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
Take me away..take me today
To where the deserts haven't seen the rain
Since the old ones became forgotten names
Mesas bear the sky
Like pillars old as time
Wails of the warriors' ghosts,
Feel the hoofbeats as they ride
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
Buy me a ticket..that only goes one way
To where Atlantis hides her secrets
Through the Pillars of Hercules
White ruins remember
They remember the flames
Alexandria cried her unseen tears
Forgotten years..forgotten names
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
https://youtu.be/QipdnhEZXKQ?si=DDQT2Li0pSdYa1EG
Will-Dockery wrote:
[snip]
Will-Dockery wrote:
[snip]
Thank you!
This response appears in the discussion at: http://www.jlaforums.com/viewtopic.php?p=705123281#705123281--
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
Verily, in article <bhednf6QzeN9Tpr3nZ2dnZfqnPudnZ2d@giganews.com>, did brian.mallard@gmail-dot-com.no-spam.invalid deliver unto us this
message:
[snip of most]
Nice. Thanks for posting.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
This was my favorite part. I see the gates reaching up to the stars themselves, maybe opening the heavens.
The True Melissa wrote:
Verily, in article <bhednf6QzeN9Tpr3nZ2dnZfqnPudnZ2d>, did brian.mallard@gmail-dot-com.no-spam.invalid deliver unto us this
message:
[snip of most]
Nice. Thanks for posting.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
This was my favorite part. I see the gates reaching up to the stars themselves, maybe opening the heavens.
--
The True Melissa - Canal Winchester - Ohio
United States of America - North America - Earth
Solar System - Milky Way - Local Group
Virgo Cluster - Laniakea Supercluster - Cosmos
I see the gates reaching up to the stars
I see the gates reaching up to the stars
Lay off of the hootch
Bruce wrote:
Will Dockery wrote:
I see the gates reaching up to the stars
Lay off of the hootch
Bruce wrote:
Will Dockery wrote:
I see the gates reaching up to the stars
Lay off of the hootch
Freeagentprose wrote:
Take Me Away
Take me away..take me away
To where the sails billow against the sky
Out there where the seabirds fly
The creak of the timbers, the ocean does its dance
Songs of the sirens call
Cut through me like a lance
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
Take me away..take me today
To where the deserts haven't seen the rain
Since the old ones became forgotten names
Mesas bear the sky
Like pillars old as time
Wails of the warriors' ghosts,
Feel the hoofbeats as they ride
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
Buy me a ticket..that only goes one way
To where Atlantis hides her secrets
Through the Pillars of Hercules
White ruins remember
They remember the flames
Alexandria cried her unseen tears
Forgotten years..forgotten names
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
https://youtu.be/QipdnhEZXKQ?si=DDQT2Li0pSdYa1EG
Freeagentprose wrote:
Take Me Away
I realize this is the lyric for a song, and it works well enough as a song in your video. But as a poem, which is meant to be spoken aloud or read, the lyrics need to be modified to fit the different medium.
Take me away..take me away
To where the sails billow against the sky
Out there where the seabirds fly
The repetition of "Take me away..." doesn't work as any opening line. Just say it once. Then expand the thought by describing how the speaker wishes to travel. Since the poem is about daydreaming, try "on wings of dream" or "wings of song," etc.
Also drop the unnecessary initial "the" in line 2, and drop the "a" from "against" to improve the meter.
"Out there where the" is filler (used to pad out the number of syllables in the line).
Try adding another image instead.
EXAMPLE: Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly
The creak of the timbers, the ocean does its dance
Splitting the line is awkward, separating the images which should be part of the same picture:
Try: The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
Songs of the sirens call
Cut through me like a lance
Are the sirens singing or calling? You're literally saying that songs about the sirens' call cut through you like a lance.
And "lance" is too obviously a forced rhyme. The common expression is "cuts through me like a knife." When you change the expected noun in a commonly used phrase, you need to have a reason (the speaker is a knight or a Bengal lancer). Otherwise, the reason is solely to keep the rhyme.
This is easily corrected by dropping the unnecessary "call" and changing the cutting action to a piercing one. Knives cut, lances pierce.
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
The opening stanza would thus be:
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
The break from sailing to running is slightly jarring, mostly because "open" feels like a continuation of the first stanza, I can't think of a suitable replacement.
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
There's no meter here -- which kills the poem dead.
Try: Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train (as in gown, not choo choo).
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
"Gates" works for running (as in the starting gate at a horse race), but what gates are airplanes or eagles kept behind?
It's a tough call, but I'd follow through with the night/star imagery of the preceding line and say:
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
I like the idea of this line, but it would be better if something more specific were noted -- "why" what?
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Yeah, I threw in the final line to 1) rhyme with "train" and 2) because the chorus, while okay for a song, feels a tad brief for a poem.
I'm not going to explain the edits to the following stanza in detail -- it's too long (and time-consuming), except to note that "wails" cannot "feel hoofbeats."
I'm only repeating the chorus once (again, poetic format vs song). FYI: Ellipses comprise three dots. Not two. "..." is correct. ".." is only correct if your name is rhonda-jane porlock.
Here's the finished edit:
TAKE ME AWAY
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Take me away on Summer's breeze
To where the deserts stretch across the plain,
Before the Old Ones were forgotten names;
Where sunburnt mesas bear the sky
On pillars old as time,
And wails from ancient warriors' ghosts
Match hoofbeats as they ride
Buy me a one-way ticket home
To where Atlantis keeps her secrets hid,
Or through the Pillars of Hercules
Where whitened ruins remember the flames
As Alexandria cried her unseen tears;
Forgotten years...forgotten names
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
*If you use this edit, or any portions of it, do NOT credit me. It is not a collaboration, but an edit, and editors are only credited for books.
As a song, no offense, I prefer the similarly themed "Take Me With You" by - Kellie Sullivan. It's played over the opening credits of "I Sailed to Tahiti With an All Girl Crew" and can be heard here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3n1Uku6YLI
I highly recommend watching the movie as well. It's one of my all-time favorites.
HarryLime wrote:
Freeagentprose wrote:
Take Me Away
I realize this is the lyric for a song, and it works well enough as a song in your video. But as a poem, which is meant to be spoken aloud or read, the lyrics need to be modified to fit the different medium.
Take me away..take me away
To where the sails billow against the sky
Out there where the seabirds fly
The repetition of "Take me away..." doesn't work as any opening line. Just say it once. Then expand the thought by describing how the speaker wishes to travel. Since the poem is about daydreaming, try "on wings of dream" or "wings of song," etc.
Also drop the unnecessary initial "the" in line 2, and drop the "a" from "against" to improve the meter.
"Out there where the" is filler (used to pad out the number of syllables in the line).
Try adding another image instead.
EXAMPLE: Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly
The creak of the timbers, the ocean does its dance
Splitting the line is awkward, separating the images which should be part of the same picture:
Try: The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
Songs of the sirens call
Cut through me like a lance
Are the sirens singing or calling? You're literally saying that songs about the sirens' call cut through you like a lance.
And "lance" is too obviously a forced rhyme. The common expression is "cuts through me like a knife." When you change the expected noun in a commonly used phrase, you need to have a reason (the speaker is a knight or a Bengal lancer). Otherwise, the reason is solely to keep the rhyme.
This is easily corrected by dropping the unnecessary "call" and changing the cutting action to a piercing one. Knives cut, lances pierce.
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
The opening stanza would thus be:
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
The break from sailing to running is slightly jarring, mostly because "open" feels like a continuation of the first stanza, I can't think of a suitable replacement.
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
There's no meter here -- which kills the poem dead.
Try: Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train (as in gown, not choo choo).
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
"Gates" works for running (as in the starting gate at a horse race), but what gates are airplanes or eagles kept behind?
It's a tough call, but I'd follow through with the night/star imagery of the preceding line and say:
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
I like the idea of this line, but it would be better if something more specific were noted -- "why" what?
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Yeah, I threw in the final line to 1) rhyme with "train" and 2) because the chorus, while okay for a song, feels a tad brief for a poem.
I'm not going to explain the edits to the following stanza in detail -- it's too long (and time-consuming), except to note that "wails" cannot "feel hoofbeats."
I'm only repeating the chorus once (again, poetic format vs song). FYI: Ellipses comprise three dots. Not two. "..." is correct. ".." is only correct if your name is rhonda-jane porlock.
Here's the finished edit:
TAKE ME AWAY
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Take me away on Summer's breeze
To where the deserts stretch across the plain,
Before the Old Ones were forgotten names;
Where sunburnt mesas bear the sky
On pillars old as time,
And wails from ancient warriors' ghosts
Match hoofbeats as they ride
Buy me a one-way ticket home
To where Atlantis keeps her secrets hid,
Or through the Pillars of Hercules
Where whitened ruins remember the flames
As Alexandria cried her unseen tears;
Forgotten years...forgotten names
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
*If you use this edit, or any portions of it, do NOT credit me. It is not a collaboration, but an edit, and editors are only credited for books.
As a song, no offense, I prefer the similarly themed "Take Me With You" by - Kellie Sullivan. It's played over the opening credits of "I Sailed to Tahiti With an All Girl Crew" and can be heard here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3n1Uku6YLI
I highly recommend watching the movie as well. It's one of my all-time favorites.
Could the bikinis have had any sway in the movie being one of your favorites?
NancyGene wrote:
HarryLime wrote:
Freeagentprose wrote:
Take Me Away
I realize this is the lyric for a song, and it works well enough as a song in your video. But as a poem, which is meant to be spoken aloud or read, the lyrics need to be modified to fit the different medium.
Take me away..take me away
To where the sails billow against the sky
Out there where the seabirds fly
The repetition of "Take me away..." doesn't work as any opening line. Just say it once. Then expand the thought by describing how the speaker wishes to travel. Since the poem is about daydreaming, try "on wings of dream" or "wings of song," etc.
Also drop the unnecessary initial "the" in line 2, and drop the "a" from "against" to improve the meter.
"Out there where the" is filler (used to pad out the number of syllables in the line).
Try adding another image instead.
EXAMPLE: Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly
The creak of the timbers, the ocean does its dance
Splitting the line is awkward, separating the images which should be part of the same picture:
Try: The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
Songs of the sirens call
Cut through me like a lance
Are the sirens singing or calling? You're literally saying that songs about the sirens' call cut through you like a lance.
And "lance" is too obviously a forced rhyme. The common expression is "cuts through me like a knife." When you change the expected noun in a commonly used phrase, you need to have a reason (the speaker is a knight or a Bengal lancer). Otherwise, the reason is solely to keep the rhyme.
This is easily corrected by dropping the unnecessary "call" and changing the cutting action to a piercing one. Knives cut, lances pierce.
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
The opening stanza would thus be:
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
The break from sailing to running is slightly jarring, mostly because "open" feels like a continuation of the first stanza, I can't think of a suitable replacement.
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
There's no meter here -- which kills the poem dead.
Try: Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train (as in gown, not choo choo).
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
"Gates" works for running (as in the starting gate at a horse race), but what gates are airplanes or eagles kept behind?
It's a tough call, but I'd follow through with the night/star imagery of the preceding line and say:
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
I like the idea of this line, but it would be better if something more specific were noted -- "why" what?
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Yeah, I threw in the final line to 1) rhyme with "train" and 2) because the chorus, while okay for a song, feels a tad brief for a poem.
I'm not going to explain the edits to the following stanza in detail -- it's too long (and time-consuming), except to note that "wails" cannot "feel hoofbeats."
I'm only repeating the chorus once (again, poetic format vs song). FYI: Ellipses comprise three dots. Not two. "..." is correct. ".." is only correct if your name is rhonda-jane porlock.
Here's the finished edit:
TAKE ME AWAY
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Take me away on Summer's breeze
To where the deserts stretch across the plain,
Before the Old Ones were forgotten names;
Where sunburnt mesas bear the sky
On pillars old as time,
And wails from ancient warriors' ghosts
Match hoofbeats as they ride
Buy me a one-way ticket home
To where Atlantis keeps her secrets hid,
Or through the Pillars of Hercules
Where whitened ruins remember the flames
As Alexandria cried her unseen tears;
Forgotten years...forgotten names
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
*If you use this edit, or any portions of it, do NOT credit me. It is not a collaboration, but an edit, and editors are only credited for books.
As a song, no offense, I prefer the similarly themed "Take Me With You" by - Kellie Sullivan. It's played over the opening credits of "I Sailed to Tahiti With an All Girl Crew" and can be heard here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3n1Uku6YLI
I highly recommend watching the movie as well. It's one of my all-time favorites.
Could the bikinis have had any sway in the movie being one of your favorites?
It's possible. ;) The crew includes Diane McBain and Edy Williams.
But there's a lot to love about this film: sailboats, the tropical locations, the 60s soundtrack, the spirit of fun that runs through it, the comedy (Pat Buttram's monologue about the "hog-holders" of Pooler County never fails to break me up)... but mostly, if it were possible for one to live a movie, this would be the one I'd pick.
My son, who's seen parts of it (I watch it at least twice a year), calls it an Elvis movie without Elvis. There's also no singing in it; but otherwise, it's a pretty good description.
HarryLime wrote:
NancyGene wrote:
HarryLime wrote:
Freeagentprose wrote:
Take Me Away
I realize this is the lyric for a song, and it works well enough as a song in your video. But as a poem, which is meant to be spoken aloud or read, the lyrics need to be modified to fit the different medium.
Take me away..take me away
To where the sails billow against the sky
Out there where the seabirds fly
The repetition of "Take me away..." doesn't work as any opening line. Just say it once. Then expand the thought by describing how the speaker wishes to travel. Since the poem is about daydreaming, try "on wings of dream" or "wings of song," etc.
Also drop the unnecessary initial "the" in line 2, and drop the "a" from "against" to improve the meter.
"Out there where the" is filler (used to pad out the number of syllables in the line).
Try adding another image instead.
EXAMPLE: Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly
The creak of the timbers, the ocean does its dance
Splitting the line is awkward, separating the images which should be part of the same picture:
Try: The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
Songs of the sirens call
Cut through me like a lance
Are the sirens singing or calling? You're literally saying that songs about the sirens' call cut through you like a lance.
And "lance" is too obviously a forced rhyme. The common expression is "cuts through me like a knife." When you change the expected noun in a commonly used phrase, you need to have a reason (the speaker is a knight or a Bengal lancer). Otherwise, the reason is solely to keep the rhyme.
This is easily corrected by dropping the unnecessary "call" and changing the cutting action to a piercing one. Knives cut, lances pierce.
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
The opening stanza would thus be:
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
The break from sailing to running is slightly jarring, mostly because "open" feels like a continuation of the first stanza, I can't think of a suitable replacement.
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
There's no meter here -- which kills the poem dead.
Try: Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train (as in gown, not choo choo). >>>>
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
"Gates" works for running (as in the starting gate at a horse race), but what gates are airplanes or eagles kept behind?
It's a tough call, but I'd follow through with the night/star imagery of the preceding line and say:
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
I like the idea of this line, but it would be better if something more specific were noted -- "why" what?
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Yeah, I threw in the final line to 1) rhyme with "train" and 2) because the chorus, while okay for a song, feels a tad brief for a poem.
I'm not going to explain the edits to the following stanza in detail -- it's too long (and time-consuming), except to note that "wails" cannot "feel hoofbeats."
I'm only repeating the chorus once (again, poetic format vs song). FYI: Ellipses comprise three dots. Not two. "..." is correct. ".." is only correct if your name is rhonda-jane porlock.
Here's the finished edit:
TAKE ME AWAY
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Take me away on Summer's breeze
To where the deserts stretch across the plain,
Before the Old Ones were forgotten names;
Where sunburnt mesas bear the sky
On pillars old as time,
And wails from ancient warriors' ghosts
Match hoofbeats as they ride
Buy me a one-way ticket home
To where Atlantis keeps her secrets hid,
Or through the Pillars of Hercules
Where whitened ruins remember the flames
As Alexandria cried her unseen tears;
Forgotten years...forgotten names
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
*If you use this edit, or any portions of it, do NOT credit me. It is not a collaboration, but an edit, and editors are only credited for books.
As a song, no offense, I prefer the similarly themed "Take Me With You" by - Kellie Sullivan. It's played over the opening credits of "I Sailed to Tahiti With an All Girl Crew" and can be heard here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3n1Uku6YLI
I highly recommend watching the movie as well. It's one of my all-time favorites.
Could the bikinis have had any sway in the movie being one of your favorites?
It's possible. ;) The crew includes Diane McBain and Edy Williams.
But there's a lot to love about this film: sailboats, the tropical locations, the 60s soundtrack, the spirit of fun that runs through it, the comedy (Pat Buttram's monologue about the "hog-holders" of Pooler County never fails to break me up)... but mostly, if it were possible for one to live a movie, this would be the one I'd pick.
My son, who's seen parts of it (I watch it at least twice a year), calls it an Elvis movie without Elvis. There's also no singing in it; but otherwise, it's a pretty good description.
In your expert opinion, how much does Ducky resemble Gardner McKay?
NancyGene wrote:
HarryLime wrote:
NancyGene wrote:
HarryLime wrote:
Freeagentprose wrote:
Take Me Away
I realize this is the lyric for a song, and it works well enough as a song in your video. But as a poem, which is meant to be spoken aloud or read, the lyrics need to be modified to fit the different medium.
Take me away..take me away
To where the sails billow against the sky
Out there where the seabirds fly
The repetition of "Take me away..." doesn't work as any opening line. Just say it once. Then expand the thought by describing how the speaker wishes to travel. Since the poem is about daydreaming, try "on wings of dream" or "wings of song," etc.
Also drop the unnecessary initial "the" in line 2, and drop the "a" from "against" to improve the meter.
"Out there where the" is filler (used to pad out the number of syllables in the line).
Try adding another image instead.
EXAMPLE: Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly
The creak of the timbers, the ocean does its dance
Splitting the line is awkward, separating the images which should be part of the same picture:
Try: The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
Songs of the sirens call
Cut through me like a lance
Are the sirens singing or calling? You're literally saying that songs about the sirens' call cut through you like a lance.
And "lance" is too obviously a forced rhyme. The common expression is "cuts through me like a knife." When you change the expected noun in a commonly used phrase, you need to have a reason (the speaker is a knight or a Bengal lancer). Otherwise, the reason is solely to keep the rhyme.
This is easily corrected by dropping the unnecessary "call" and changing the cutting action to a piercing one. Knives cut, lances pierce.
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
The opening stanza would thus be:
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
The break from sailing to running is slightly jarring, mostly because "open" feels like a continuation of the first stanza, I can't think of a suitable replacement.
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
There's no meter here -- which kills the poem dead.
Try: Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train (as in gown, not choo choo). >>>>>
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
"Gates" works for running (as in the starting gate at a horse race), but what gates are airplanes or eagles kept behind?
It's a tough call, but I'd follow through with the night/star imagery of the preceding line and say:
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
I like the idea of this line, but it would be better if something more specific were noted -- "why" what?
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Yeah, I threw in the final line to 1) rhyme with "train" and 2) because the chorus, while okay for a song, feels a tad brief for a poem.
I'm not going to explain the edits to the following stanza in detail -- it's too long (and time-consuming), except to note that "wails" cannot "feel hoofbeats."
I'm only repeating the chorus once (again, poetic format vs song). FYI: Ellipses comprise three dots. Not two. "..." is correct. ".." is only correct if your name is rhonda-jane porlock.
Here's the finished edit:
TAKE ME AWAY
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Take me away on Summer's breeze
To where the deserts stretch across the plain,
Before the Old Ones were forgotten names;
Where sunburnt mesas bear the sky
On pillars old as time,
And wails from ancient warriors' ghosts
Match hoofbeats as they ride
Buy me a one-way ticket home
To where Atlantis keeps her secrets hid,
Or through the Pillars of Hercules
Where whitened ruins remember the flames
As Alexandria cried her unseen tears;
Forgotten years...forgotten names
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
*If you use this edit, or any portions of it, do NOT credit me. It is not a collaboration, but an edit, and editors are only credited for books.
As a song, no offense, I prefer the similarly themed "Take Me With You" by - Kellie Sullivan. It's played over the opening credits of "I Sailed to Tahiti With an All Girl Crew" and can be heard here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3n1Uku6YLI
I highly recommend watching the movie as well. It's one of my all-time favorites.
Could the bikinis have had any sway in the movie being one of your favorites?
It's possible. ;) The crew includes Diane McBain and Edy Williams.
But there's a lot to love about this film: sailboats, the tropical locations, the 60s soundtrack, the spirit of fun that runs through it, the comedy (Pat Buttram's monologue about the "hog-holders" of Pooler County never fails to break me up)... but mostly, if it were possible for one to live a movie, this would be the one I'd pick.
My son, who's seen parts of it (I watch it at least twice a year), calls it an Elvis movie without Elvis. There's also no singing in it; but otherwise, it's a pretty good description.
In your expert opinion, how much does Ducky resemble Gardner McKay?
Ducky Mallard
Freeagentprose wrote:
Take Me Away
I realize this is the lyric for a song, and it works well enough as a song in your video. But as a poem, which is meant to be spoken aloud or read, the lyrics need to be modified to fit the different medium.
Take me away..take me away
To where the sails billow against the sky
Out there where the seabirds fly
The repetition of "Take me away..." doesn't work as any opening line. Just say it once. Then expand the thought by describing how the speaker wishes to travel. Since the poem is about daydreaming, try "on wings of dream" or "wings of song," etc.
Also drop the unnecessary initial "the" in line 2, and drop the "a" from "against" to improve the meter.
"Out there where the" is filler (used to pad out the number of syllables in the line).
Try adding another image instead.
EXAMPLE: Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly
The creak of the timbers, the ocean does its dance
Splitting the line is awkward, separating the images which should be part of the same picture:
Try: The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
Songs of the sirens call
Cut through me like a lance
Are the sirens singing or calling? You're literally saying that songs about the sirens' call cut through you like a lance.
And "lance" is too obviously a forced rhyme. The common expression is "cuts through me like a knife." When you change the expected noun in a commonly used phrase, you need to have a reason (the speaker is a knight or a Bengal lancer). Otherwise, the reason is solely to keep the rhyme.
This is easily corrected by dropping the unnecessary "call" and changing the cutting action to a piercing one. Knives cut, lances pierce.
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
The opening stanza would thus be:
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
The break from sailing to running is slightly jarring, mostly because "open" feels like a continuation of the first stanza, I can't think of a suitable replacement.
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
There's no meter here -- which kills the poem dead.
Try: Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train (as in gown, not choo choo).
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
"Gates" works for running (as in the starting gate at a horse race), but what gates are airplanes or eagles kept behind?
It's a tough call, but I'd follow through with the night/star imagery of the preceding line and say:
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
I like the idea of this line, but it would be better if something more specific were noted -- "why" what?
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Yeah, I threw in the final line to 1) rhyme with "train" and 2) because the chorus, while okay for a song, feels a tad brief for a poem.
I'm not going to explain the edits to the following stanza in detail -- it's too long (and time-consuming), except to note that "wails" cannot "feel hoofbeats."
I'm only repeating the chorus once (again, poetic format vs song). FYI: Ellipses comprise three dots. Not two. "..." is correct. ".." is only correct if your name is rhonda-jane porlock.
Here's the finished edit:
TAKE ME AWAY
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Take me away on Summer's breeze
To where the deserts stretch across the plain,
Before the Old Ones were forgotten names;
Where sunburnt mesas bear the sky
On pillars old as time,
And wails from ancient warriors' ghosts
Match hoofbeats as they ride
Buy me a one-way ticket home
To where Atlantis keeps her secrets hid,
Or through the Pillars of Hercules
Where whitened ruins remember the flames
As Alexandria cried her unseen tears;
Forgotten years...forgotten names
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
*If you use this edit, or any portions of it, do NOT credit me. It is not a collaboration, but an edit, and editors are only credited for books.
As a song, no offense, I prefer the similarly themed "Take Me With You" by - Kellie Sullivan. It's played over the opening credits of "I Sailed to Tahiti With an All Girl Crew" and can be heard here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3n1Uku6YLI
I highly recommend watching the movie as well. It's one of my all-time favorites.
HarryLime wrote:
NancyGene wrote:
HarryLime wrote:
Freeagentprose wrote:
Take Me Away
I realize this is the lyric for a song, and it works well enough as a song in your video. But as a poem, which is meant to be spoken aloud or read, the lyrics need to be modified to fit the different medium.
Take me away..take me away
To where the sails billow against the sky
Out there where the seabirds fly
The repetition of "Take me away..." doesn't work as any opening line. Just say it once. Then expand the thought by describing how the speaker wishes to travel. Since the poem is about daydreaming, try "on wings of dream" or "wings of song," etc.
Also drop the unnecessary initial "the" in line 2, and drop the "a" from "against" to improve the meter.
"Out there where the" is filler (used to pad out the number of syllables in the line).
Try adding another image instead.
EXAMPLE: Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly
The creak of the timbers, the ocean does its dance
Splitting the line is awkward, separating the images which should be part of the same picture:
Try: The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
Songs of the sirens call
Cut through me like a lance
Are the sirens singing or calling? You're literally saying that songs about the sirens' call cut through you like a lance.
And "lance" is too obviously a forced rhyme. The common expression is "cuts through me like a knife." When you change the expected noun in a commonly used phrase, you need to have a reason (the speaker is a knight or a Bengal lancer). Otherwise, the reason is solely to keep the rhyme.
This is easily corrected by dropping the unnecessary "call" and changing the cutting action to a piercing one. Knives cut, lances pierce.
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
The opening stanza would thus be:
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
The break from sailing to running is slightly jarring, mostly because "open" feels like a continuation of the first stanza, I can't think of a suitable replacement.
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
There's no meter here -- which kills the poem dead.
Try: Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train (as in gown, not choo choo). >>>>
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
"Gates" works for running (as in the starting gate at a horse race), but what gates are airplanes or eagles kept behind?
It's a tough call, but I'd follow through with the night/star imagery of the preceding line and say:
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
I like the idea of this line, but it would be better if something more specific were noted -- "why" what?
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Yeah, I threw in the final line to 1) rhyme with "train" and 2) because the chorus, while okay for a song, feels a tad brief for a poem.
I'm not going to explain the edits to the following stanza in detail -- it's too long (and time-consuming), except to note that "wails" cannot "feel hoofbeats."
I'm only repeating the chorus once (again, poetic format vs song). FYI: Ellipses comprise three dots. Not two. "..." is correct. ".." is only correct if your name is rhonda-jane porlock.
Here's the finished edit:
TAKE ME AWAY
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Take me away on Summer's breeze
To where the deserts stretch across the plain,
Before the Old Ones were forgotten names;
Where sunburnt mesas bear the sky
On pillars old as time,
And wails from ancient warriors' ghosts
Match hoofbeats as they ride
Buy me a one-way ticket home
To where Atlantis keeps her secrets hid,
Or through the Pillars of Hercules
Where whitened ruins remember the flames
As Alexandria cried her unseen tears;
Forgotten years...forgotten names
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
*If you use this edit, or any portions of it, do NOT credit me. It is not a collaboration, but an edit, and editors are only credited for books.
As a song, no offense, I prefer the similarly themed "Take Me With You" by - Kellie Sullivan. It's played over the opening credits of "I Sailed to Tahiti With an All Girl Crew" and can be heard here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3n1Uku6YLI
I highly recommend watching the movie as well. It's one of my all-time favorites.
Could the bikinis have had any sway in the movie being one of your favorites?
It's possible. ;) The crew includes Diane McBain and Edy Williams.
But there's a lot to love about this film: sailboats, the tropical locations, the 60s soundtrack, the spirit of fun that runs through it, the comedy (Pat Buttram's monologue about the "hog-holders" of Pooler County never fails to break me up)... but mostly, if it were possible for one to live a movie, this would be the one I'd pick.
My son, who's seen parts of it (I watch it at least twice a year), calls it an Elvis movie without Elvis. There's also no singing in it; but otherwise, it's a pretty good description.
In your expert opinion, how much does Ducky resemble Gardner McKay?
Bruce wrote:
Will-Dockery wrote:
Bruce wrote:
Will Dockery wrote:
I see the gates reaching up to the stars
I didn't write that ^^^
Ok, but why did you have to tell me that twice?
NancyGene wrote:
HarryLime wrote:
NancyGene wrote:
HarryLime wrote:
Freeagentprose wrote:
Take Me Away
I realize this is the lyric for a song, and it works well enough as a song in your video. But as a poem, which is meant to be spoken aloud or read, the lyrics need to be modified to fit the different medium.
Take me away..take me away
To where the sails billow against the sky
Out there where the seabirds fly
The repetition of "Take me away..." doesn't work as any opening line. Just say it once. Then expand the thought by describing how the speaker wishes to travel. Since the poem is about daydreaming, try "on wings of dream" or "wings of song," etc.
Also drop the unnecessary initial "the" in line 2, and drop the "a" from "against" to improve the meter.
"Out there where the" is filler (used to pad out the number of syllables in the line).
Try adding another image instead.
EXAMPLE: Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly
The creak of the timbers, the ocean does its dance
Splitting the line is awkward, separating the images which should be part of the same picture:
Try: The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
Songs of the sirens call
Cut through me like a lance
Are the sirens singing or calling? You're literally saying that songs about the sirens' call cut through you like a lance.
And "lance" is too obviously a forced rhyme. The common expression is "cuts through me like a knife." When you change the expected noun in a commonly used phrase, you need to have a reason (the speaker is a knight or a Bengal lancer). Otherwise, the reason is solely to keep the rhyme.
This is easily corrected by dropping the unnecessary "call" and changing the cutting action to a piercing one. Knives cut, lances pierce.
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
The opening stanza would thus be:
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
The break from sailing to running is slightly jarring, mostly because "open" feels like a continuation of the first stanza, I can't think of a suitable replacement.
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
There's no meter here -- which kills the poem dead.
Try: Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train (as in gown, not choo choo). >>>>>
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
"Gates" works for running (as in the starting gate at a horse race), but what gates are airplanes or eagles kept behind?
It's a tough call, but I'd follow through with the night/star imagery of the preceding line and say:
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
I like the idea of this line, but it would be better if something more specific were noted -- "why" what?
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Yeah, I threw in the final line to 1) rhyme with "train" and 2) because the chorus, while okay for a song, feels a tad brief for a poem.
I'm not going to explain the edits to the following stanza in detail -- it's too long (and time-consuming), except to note that "wails" cannot "feel hoofbeats."
I'm only repeating the chorus once (again, poetic format vs song). FYI: Ellipses comprise three dots. Not two. "..." is correct. ".." is only correct if your name is rhonda-jane porlock.
Here's the finished edit:
TAKE ME AWAY
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Take me away on Summer's breeze
To where the deserts stretch across the plain,
Before the Old Ones were forgotten names;
Where sunburnt mesas bear the sky
On pillars old as time,
And wails from ancient warriors' ghosts
Match hoofbeats as they ride
Buy me a one-way ticket home
To where Atlantis keeps her secrets hid,
Or through the Pillars of Hercules
Where whitened ruins remember the flames
As Alexandria cried her unseen tears;
Forgotten years...forgotten names
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
*If you use this edit, or any portions of it, do NOT credit me. It is not a collaboration, but an edit, and editors are only credited for books.
As a song, no offense, I prefer the similarly themed "Take Me With You" by - Kellie Sullivan. It's played over the opening credits of "I Sailed to Tahiti With an All Girl Crew" and can be heard here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3n1Uku6YLI
I highly recommend watching the movie as well. It's one of my all-time favorites.
Could the bikinis have had any sway in the movie being one of your favorites?
It's possible. ;) The crew includes Diane McBain and Edy Williams.
But there's a lot to love about this film: sailboats, the tropical locations, the 60s soundtrack, the spirit of fun that runs through it, the comedy (Pat Buttram's monologue about the "hog-holders" of Pooler County never fails to break me up)... but mostly, if it were possible for one to live a movie, this would be the one I'd pick.
My son, who's seen parts of it (I watch it at least twice a year), calls it an Elvis movie without Elvis. There's also no singing in it; but otherwise, it's a pretty good description.
In your expert opinion, how much does Ducky resemble Gardner McKay?
Different species.
[quote="HarryLime"]
NancyGene wrote:
HarryLime wrote:
NancyGene wrote:
HarryLime wrote:
Freeagentprose wrote:
Take Me Away
I realize this is the lyric for a song, and it works well enough
as a song in your video. But as a poem, which is meant to be
spoken aloud or read, the lyrics need to be modified to fit the
different medium.
Take me away..take me away
To where the sails billow against the sky
Out there where the seabirds fly
The repetition of "Take me away..." doesn't work as any opening
line. Just say it once. Then expand the thought by describing
how the speaker wishes to travel. Since the poem is about
daydreaming, try "on wings of dream" or "wings of song," etc.
Also drop the unnecessary initial "the" in line 2, and drop the
"a" from "against" to improve the meter.
"Out there where the" is filler (used to pad out the number of
syllables in the line). Try adding another image instead.
EXAMPLE: Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly
The creak of the timbers, the ocean does its dance
Splitting the line is awkward, separating the images which should
be part of the same picture: Try: The creak of timbers to the
ocean's dance
Songs of the sirens call
Cut through me like a lance
Are the sirens singing or calling? You're literally saying that
songs about the sirens' call cut through you like a lance.
And "lance" is too obviously a forced rhyme. The common
expression is "cuts through me like a knife." When you change
the expected noun in a commonly used phrase, you need to have a
reason (the speaker is a knight or a Bengal lancer). Otherwise,
the reason is solely to keep the rhyme.
This is easily corrected by dropping the unnecessary "call" and
changing the cutting action to a piercing one. Knives cut,
lances pierce.
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
The opening stanza would thus be:
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
The break from sailing to running is slightly jarring, mostly
because "open" feels like a continuation of the first stanza, I
can't think of a suitable replacement.
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
There's no meter here -- which kills the poem dead.
Try: Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train (as in gown, not choo
choo).
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
"Gates" works for running (as in the starting gate at a horse
race), but what gates are airplanes or eagles kept behind?
It's a tough call, but I'd follow through with the night/star
imagery of the preceding line and say: Fling wide the night and
let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
I like the idea of this line, but it would be better if something
more specific were noted -- "why" what?
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Yeah, I threw in the final line to 1) rhyme with "train" and 2)
because the chorus, while okay for a song, feels a tad brief for
a poem.
I'm not going to explain the edits to the following stanza in
detail -- it's too long (and time-consuming), except to note that
"wails" cannot "feel hoofbeats."
I'm only repeating the chorus once (again, poetic format vs
song). FYI: Ellipses comprise three dots. Not two. "..." is
correct. ".." is only correct if your name is rhonda-jane
porlock. Here's the finished edit:
TAKE ME AWAY
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Take me away on Summer's breeze
To where the deserts stretch across the plain,
Before the Old Ones were forgotten names;
Where sunburnt mesas bear the sky
On pillars old as time,
And wails from ancient warriors' ghosts
Match hoofbeats as they ride
Buy me a one-way ticket home
To where Atlantis keeps her secrets hid,
Or through the Pillars of Hercules
Where whitened ruins remember the flames
As Alexandria cried her unseen tears;
Forgotten years...forgotten names
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
*If you use this edit, or any portions of it, do NOT credit me.
It is not a collaboration, but an edit, and editors are only
credited for books.
As a song, no offense, I prefer the similarly themed "Take Me
With You" by - Kellie Sullivan. It's played over the opening
credits of "I Sailed to Tahiti With an All Girl Crew" and can be
heard here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3n1Uku6YLI
I highly recommend watching the movie as well. It's one of my
all-time favorites.
Could the bikinis have had any sway in the movie being one of your
favorites?
It's possible. ;) The crew includes Diane McBain and Edy Williams.
But there's a lot to love about this film: sailboats, the tropical
locations, the 60s soundtrack, the spirit of fun that runs through
it, the comedy (Pat Buttram's monologue about the "hog-holders" of
Pooler County never fails to break me up)... but mostly, if it were
possible for one to live a movie, this would be the one I'd pick.
My son, who's seen parts of it (I watch it at least twice a year),
calls it an Elvis movie without Elvis. There's also no singing in
it; but otherwise, it's a pretty good description.
In your expert opinion, how much does Ducky resemble Gardner McKay?
Different species.
Homo guitar non-sapien?
Freeagentprose wrote:
Take Me Away
Take me away..take me away
To where the sails billow against the sky
Out there where the seabirds fly
The creak of the timbers, the ocean does its dance
Songs of the sirens call
Cut through me like a lance
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
Take me away..take me today
To where the deserts haven't seen the rain
Since the old ones became forgotten names
Mesas bear the sky
Like pillars old as time
Wails of the warriors' ghosts,
Feel the hoofbeats as they ride
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
Buy me a ticket..that only goes one way
To where Atlantis hides her secrets
Through the Pillars of Hercules
White ruins remember
They remember the flames
Alexandria cried her unseen tears
Forgotten years..forgotten names
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
https://youtu.be/QipdnhEZXKQ?si=DDQT2Li0pSdYa1EG
Miguel Sucio wrote:
Fake Me Away
Fake me awayrCa fake me away
To where the talent doesnrCOt die on stage
Out there past Columbus, GA
Where every third guyrCOs a rCLpoetrCY
And every bandrCOs rCLthe next big thingrCY
Till you hear rCOem play three chords
And murder everything
Open the gates and let me run
Far from Donkey and his bongos con
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I forget that open mic night
Fake me awayrCa fake me today
To where the crowds donrCOt clap from pure clich|-
Where the old dreams havenrCOt turned to dust
And every Facebook post
IsnrCOt dripping self-love lust
Ghosts of decent musicians whisper:
rCLManrCa this town is rough.rCY
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Before Ducky posts again tonight
Take me awayrCa take me at dawn
Past riverwalk prophets carrying on
Mesas bear the sky
But Columbus bears bad art
Every guy with a notebook
Thinks herCOs Tennessee Williams at heart
Meanwhile Ducky plays his guitar low
Auditioning for Worst in Show
Buy me a ticketrCa one way please
Far from the Pillars of Mediocrity
Where white ruins remember
Better bands that came and went
Alexandria cried unseen tears
Columbus just posts compliments
Open the gates and let me run
From low-rent fame and everyone
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
Out there the seabirds cry at night
Back here they argue Facebook likes
Songs of the sirens used to call
Now itrCOs a hayseed bumping threads at 3 a.m. yrCOall
Open the gates and let me run
Past every rCLartistrCY under the sun
Swing wide the gates and let me flee
Before Columbus starts applauding poetry!
HarryLime wrote:
NancyGene wrote:
HarryLime wrote:
NancyGene wrote:
HarryLime wrote:
Freeagentprose wrote:
Take Me Away
I realize this is the lyric for a song, and it works well enough
as a song in your video. But as a poem, which is meant to be
spoken aloud or read, the lyrics need to be modified to fit the
different medium.
Take me away..take me away
To where the sails billow against the sky
Out there where the seabirds fly
The repetition of "Take me away..." doesn't work as any opening
line. Just say it once. Then expand the thought by describing
how the speaker wishes to travel. Since the poem is about
daydreaming, try "on wings of dream" or "wings of song," etc.
Also drop the unnecessary initial "the" in line 2, and drop the
"a" from "against" to improve the meter.
"Out there where the" is filler (used to pad out the number of
syllables in the line). Try adding another image instead.
EXAMPLE: Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly
The creak of the timbers, the ocean does its dance
Splitting the line is awkward, separating the images which should
be part of the same picture: Try: The creak of timbers to the
ocean's dance
Songs of the sirens call
Cut through me like a lance
Are the sirens singing or calling? You're literally saying that
songs about the sirens' call cut through you like a lance.
And "lance" is too obviously a forced rhyme. The common
expression is "cuts through me like a knife." When you change
the expected noun in a commonly used phrase, you need to have a
reason (the speaker is a knight or a Bengal lancer). Otherwise,
the reason is solely to keep the rhyme.
This is easily corrected by dropping the unnecessary "call" and
changing the cutting action to a piercing one. Knives cut,
lances pierce.
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
The opening stanza would thus be:
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
The break from sailing to running is slightly jarring, mostly
because "open" feels like a continuation of the first stanza, I
can't think of a suitable replacement.
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
There's no meter here -- which kills the poem dead.
Try: Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train (as in gown, not choo
choo).
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
"Gates" works for running (as in the starting gate at a horse
race), but what gates are airplanes or eagles kept behind?
It's a tough call, but I'd follow through with the night/star
imagery of the preceding line and say: Fling wide the night and
let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
I like the idea of this line, but it would be better if something
more specific were noted -- "why" what?
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Yeah, I threw in the final line to 1) rhyme with "train" and 2)
because the chorus, while okay for a song, feels a tad brief for
a poem.
I'm not going to explain the edits to the following stanza in
detail -- it's too long (and time-consuming), except to note that
"wails" cannot "feel hoofbeats."
I'm only repeating the chorus once (again, poetic format vs
song). FYI: Ellipses comprise three dots. Not two. "..." is
correct. ".." is only correct if your name is rhonda-jane
porlock. Here's the finished edit:
TAKE ME AWAY
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Take me away on Summer's breeze
To where the deserts stretch across the plain,
Before the Old Ones were forgotten names;
Where sunburnt mesas bear the sky
On pillars old as time,
And wails from ancient warriors' ghosts
Match hoofbeats as they ride
Buy me a one-way ticket home
To where Atlantis keeps her secrets hid,
Or through the Pillars of Hercules
Where whitened ruins remember the flames
As Alexandria cried her unseen tears;
Forgotten years...forgotten names
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
*If you use this edit, or any portions of it, do NOT credit me.
It is not a collaboration, but an edit, and editors are only
credited for books.
As a song, no offense, I prefer the similarly themed "Take Me
With You" by - Kellie Sullivan. It's played over the opening
credits of "I Sailed to Tahiti With an All Girl Crew" and can be
heard here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3n1Uku6YLI
I highly recommend watching the movie as well. It's one of my
all-time favorites.
Could the bikinis have had any sway in the movie being one of your
favorites?
It's possible. ;) The crew includes Diane McBain and Edy Williams.
But there's a lot to love about this film: sailboats, the tropical
locations, the 60s soundtrack, the spirit of fun that runs through
it, the comedy (Pat Buttram's monologue about the "hog-holders" of
Pooler County never fails to break me up)... but mostly, if it were
possible for one to live a movie, this would be the one I'd pick.
My son, who's seen parts of it (I watch it at least twice a year),
calls it an Elvis movie without Elvis. There's also no singing in
it; but otherwise, it's a pretty good description.
In your expert opinion, how much does Ducky resemble Gardner McKay?
Different species.
Homo guitar non-sapien?
Anas platyrhynchos Ineptus.
It pairs well with Douchimus Maximus Ineptus.
NancyGene wrote:
Miguel Sucio wrote:
Fake Me Away
Fake me awayrCa fake me away
To where the talent doesnrCOt die on stage
Out there past Columbus, GA
Where every third guyrCOs a rCLpoetrCY
And every bandrCOs rCLthe next big thingrCY
Till you hear rCOem play three chords
And murder everything
Open the gates and let me run
Far from Donkey and his bongos con
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I forget that open mic night
Fake me awayrCa fake me today
To where the crowds donrCOt clap from pure clich|-
Where the old dreams havenrCOt turned to dust
And every Facebook post
IsnrCOt dripping self-love lust
Ghosts of decent musicians whisper:
rCLManrCa this town is rough.rCY
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Before Ducky posts again tonight
Take me awayrCa take me at dawn
Past riverwalk prophets carrying on
Mesas bear the sky
But Columbus bears bad art
Every guy with a notebook
Thinks herCOs Tennessee Williams at heart
Meanwhile Ducky plays his guitar low
Auditioning for Worst in Show
Buy me a ticketrCa one way please
Far from the Pillars of Mediocrity
Where white ruins remember
Better bands that came and went
Alexandria cried unseen tears
Columbus just posts compliments
Open the gates and let me run
From low-rent fame and everyone
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
Out there the seabirds cry at night
Back here they argue Facebook likes
Songs of the sirens used to call
Now itrCOs a hayseed bumping threads at 3 a.m. yrCOall
Open the gates and let me run
Past every rCLartistrCY under the sun
Swing wide the gates and let me flee
Before Columbus starts applauding poetry!
Excellent and insightful poetry, Miguel! You should set that to music (with multiple chords).
Miguel Sucio wrote:
NancyGene wrote:
Miguel Sucio wrote:
Fake Me Away
Fake me awayrCa fake me away
To where the talent doesnrCOt die on stage
Out there past Columbus, GA
Where every third guyrCOs a rCLpoetrCY
And every bandrCOs rCLthe next big thingrCY
Till you hear rCOem play three chords
And murder everything
Open the gates and let me run
Far from Donkey and his bongos con
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I forget that open mic night
Fake me awayrCa fake me today
To where the crowds donrCOt clap from pure clich|-
Where the old dreams havenrCOt turned to dust
And every Facebook post
IsnrCOt dripping self-love lust
Ghosts of decent musicians whisper:
rCLManrCa this town is rough.rCY
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Before Ducky posts again tonight
Take me awayrCa take me at dawn
Past riverwalk prophets carrying on
Mesas bear the sky
But Columbus bears bad art
Every guy with a notebook
Thinks herCOs Tennessee Williams at heart
Meanwhile Ducky plays his guitar low
Auditioning for Worst in Show
Buy me a ticketrCa one way please
Far from the Pillars of Mediocrity
Where white ruins remember
Better bands that came and went
Alexandria cried unseen tears
Columbus just posts compliments
Open the gates and let me run
From low-rent fame and everyone
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
Out there the seabirds cry at night
Back here they argue Facebook likes
Songs of the sirens used to call
Now itrCOs a hayseed bumping threads at 3 a.m. yrCOall
Open the gates and let me run
Past every rCLartistrCY under the sun
Swing wide the gates and let me flee
Before Columbus starts applauding poetry!
Excellent and insightful poetry, Miguel! You should set that to music (with multiple chords).
I spoke to the boys, who agreed to do it on one, and only one condition - that we dedicate a full track to Thee African Drum. Where am I supposed to find a Thee African Drum, let alone a Thee African Drummer?
You know how the boys are, they don't do anything small and spare no excess, I mean expense.
Freeagentprose wrote:
Take Me Away
Take me away..take me away
To where the sails billow against the sky
Out there where the seabirds fly
The creak of the timbers, the ocean does its dance
Songs of the sirens call
Cut through me like a lance
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
Take me away..take me today
To where the deserts haven't seen the rain
Since the old ones became forgotten names
Mesas bear the sky
Like pillars old as time
Wails of the warriors' ghosts,
Feel the hoofbeats as they ride
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
Buy me a ticket..that only goes one way
To where Atlantis hides her secrets
Through the Pillars of Hercules
White ruins remember
They remember the flames
Alexandria cried her unseen tears
Forgotten years..forgotten names
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
https://youtu.be/QipdnhEZXKQ?si=DDQT2Li0pSdYa1EG
Freeagentprose wrote:
Take Me Away
I realize this is the lyric for a song, and it works well enough as a song in your video. But as a poem, which is meant to be spoken aloud or read, the lyrics need to be modified to fit the different medium.
Take me away..take me away
To where the sails billow against the sky
Out there where the seabirds fly
The repetition of "Take me away..." doesn't work as any opening line. Just say it once. Then expand the thought by describing how the speaker wishes to travel. Since the poem is about daydreaming, try "on wings of dream" or "wings of song," etc.
Also drop the unnecessary initial "the" in line 2, and drop the "a" from "against" to improve the meter.
"Out there where the" is filler (used to pad out the number of syllables in the line).
Try adding another image instead.
EXAMPLE: Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly
The creak of the timbers, the ocean does its dance
Splitting the line is awkward, separating the images which should be part of the same picture:
Try: The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
Songs of the sirens call
Cut through me like a lance
Are the sirens singing or calling? You're literally saying that songs about the sirens' call cut through you like a lance.
And "lance" is too obviously a forced rhyme. The common expression is "cuts through me like a knife." When you change the expected noun in a commonly used phrase, you need to have a reason (the speaker is a knight or a Bengal lancer). Otherwise, the reason is solely to keep the rhyme.
This is easily corrected by dropping the unnecessary "call" and changing the cutting action to a piercing one. Knives cut, lances pierce.
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
The opening stanza would thus be:
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
The break from sailing to running is slightly jarring, mostly because "open" feels like a continuation of the first stanza, I can't think of a suitable replacement.
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
There's no meter here -- which kills the poem dead.
Try: Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train (as in gown, not choo choo).
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
"Gates" works for running (as in the starting gate at a horse race), but what gates are airplanes or eagles kept behind?
It's a tough call, but I'd follow through with the night/star imagery of the preceding line and say:
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
I like the idea of this line, but it would be better if something more specific were noted -- "why" what?
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Yeah, I threw in the final line to 1) rhyme with "train" and 2) because the chorus, while okay for a song, feels a tad brief for a poem.
I'm not going to explain the edits to the following stanza in detail -- it's too long (and time-consuming), except to note that "wails" cannot "feel hoofbeats."
I'm only repeating the chorus once (again, poetic format vs song). FYI: Ellipses comprise three dots. Not two. "..." is correct. ".." is only correct if your name is rhonda-jane porlock.
Here's the finished edit:
TAKE ME AWAY
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Take me away on Summer's breeze
To where the deserts stretch across the plain,
Before the Old Ones were forgotten names;
Where sunburnt mesas bear the sky
On pillars old as time,
And wails from ancient warriors' ghosts
Match hoofbeats as they ride
Buy me a one-way ticket home
To where Atlantis keeps her secrets hid,
Or through the Pillars of Hercules
Where whitened ruins remember the flames
As Alexandria cried her unseen tears;
Forgotten years...forgotten names
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
*If you use this edit, or any portions of it, do NOT credit me. It is not a collaboration, but an edit, and editors are only credited for books.
As a song, no offense, I prefer the similarly themed "Take Me With You" by - Kellie Sullivan. It's played over the opening credits of "I Sailed to Tahiti With an All Girl Crew" and can be heard here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3n1Uku6YLI
I highly recommend watching the movie as well. It's one of my all-time favorites.
The True Melissa wrote:
Verily, in article <bhednf6QzeN9Tpr3nZ2dnZfqnPudnZ2d>, did brian.mallard@gmail-dot-com.no-spam.invalid deliver unto us this
message:
[snip of most]
Nice. Thanks for posting.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
This was my favorite part. I see the gates reaching up to the stars themselves, maybe opening the heavens.
--
The True Melissa - Canal Winchester - Ohio
United States of America - North America - Earth
Solar System - Milky Way - Local Group
Virgo Cluster - Laniakea Supercluster - Cosmos
[quote="Cujo
DeSockpuppet"]nancygene.andjayme@gmail-dot-com.no-spam.invalid
(NancyGene) wrote in
news:XbScnbt0qJ11bpf3nZ2dnZfqn_WdnZ2d@giganews.com:
HarryLime wrote:
NancyGene wrote:
HarryLime wrote:
NancyGene wrote:
HarryLime wrote:
Freeagentprose wrote:
Take Me Away
I realize this is the lyric for a song, and it works well enough
as a song in your video.-a But as a poem, which is meant to be
spoken aloud or read, the lyrics need to be modified to fit the
different medium.
Take me away..take me away
To where the sails billow against the sky
Out there where the seabirds fly
The repetition of "Take me away..." doesn't work as any opening
line.-a Just say it once.-a Then expand the thought by describing
how the speaker wishes to travel.-a Since the poem is about
daydreaming, try "on wings of dream" or "wings of song," etc.
Also drop the unnecessary initial "the" in line 2, and drop the
"a" from "against" to improve the meter.
"Out there where the" is filler (used to pad out the number of
syllables in the line). Try adding another image instead.
EXAMPLE: Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly
The creak of the timbers, the ocean does its dance
Splitting the line is awkward, separating the images which should
be part of the same picture: Try: The creak of timbers to the
ocean's dance
Songs of the sirens call
Cut through me like a lance
Are the sirens singing or calling?-a You're literally saying that
songs about the sirens' call cut through you like a lance.
And "lance" is too obviously a forced rhyme.-a The common
expression is "cuts through me like a knife."-a When you change
the expected noun in a commonly used phrase, you need to have a
reason (the speaker is a knight or a Bengal lancer).-a Otherwise,
the reason is solely to keep the rhyme.
This is easily corrected by dropping the unnecessary "call" and
changing the cutting action to a piercing one.-a Knives cut,
lances pierce.
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
The opening stanza would thus be:
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
The break from sailing to running is slightly jarring, mostly
because "open" feels like a continuation of the first stanza, I
can't think of a suitable replacement.
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
There's no meter here -- which kills the poem dead.
Try: Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train (as in gown, not choo
choo).
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
"Gates" works for running (as in the starting gate at a horse
race), but what gates are airplanes or eagles kept behind?
It's a tough call, but I'd follow through with the night/star
imagery of the preceding line and say: Fling wide the night and
let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
I like the idea of this line, but it would be better if something
more specific were noted -- "why" what?
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Yeah, I threw in the final line to 1) rhyme with "train" and 2)
because the chorus, while okay for a song, feels a tad brief for
a poem.
I'm not going to explain the edits to the following stanza in
detail -- it's too long (and time-consuming), except to note that
"wails" cannot "feel hoofbeats."
I'm only repeating the chorus once (again, poetic format vs
song).-a FYI: Ellipses comprise three dots.-a Not two.-a "..." is
correct.-a ".." is only correct if your name is rhonda-jane
porlock. Here's the-a finished edit:
TAKE ME AWAY
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Take me away on Summer's breeze
To where the deserts stretch across the plain,
Before the Old Ones were forgotten names;
Where sunburnt mesas bear the sky
On pillars old as time,
And wails from ancient warriors' ghosts
Match hoofbeats as they ride
Buy me a one-way ticket home
To where Atlantis keeps her secrets hid,
Or through the Pillars of Hercules
Where whitened ruins remember the flames
As Alexandria cried her unseen tears;
Forgotten years...forgotten names
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
*If you use this edit, or any portions of it, do NOT credit me.
It is not a collaboration, but an edit, and editors are only
credited for books.
As a song, no offense, I prefer the similarly themed "Take Me
With You" by - Kellie Sullivan.-a It's played over the opening
credits of "I Sailed to Tahiti With an All Girl Crew" and can be
heard here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3n1Uku6YLI
I highly recommend watching the movie as well.-a It's one of my
all-time favorites.
Could the bikinis have had any sway in the movie being one of your
favorites?
It's possible. ;)-a The crew includes Diane McBain and Edy Williams.
But there's a lot to love about this film: sailboats, the tropical
locations, the 60s soundtrack, the spirit of fun that runs through
it, the comedy (Pat Buttram's monologue about the "hog-holders" of
Pooler County never fails to break me up)... but mostly, if it were
possible for one to live a movie, this would be the one I'd pick.
My son, who's seen parts of it (I watch it at least twice a year),
calls it an Elvis movie without Elvis.-a There's also no singing in
it; but otherwise, it's a pretty good description.
In your expert opinion, how much does Ducky resemble Gardner McKay?
Different species.
Homo guitar non-sapien?
Anas platyrhynchos Ineptus.
It pairs well with Douchimus Maximus Ineptus.
Does Will Donkey spell that "anus?"-a Actually Will Donkey walks like a duck.
HarryLime wrote:
Freeagentprose wrote:
Take Me Away
I realize this is the lyric for a song, and it works well enough as a song in your video. But as a poem, which is meant to be spoken aloud or read, the lyrics need to be modified to fit the different medium.
Take me away..take me away
To where the sails billow against the sky
Out there where the seabirds fly
The repetition of "Take me away..." doesn't work as any opening line. Just say it once. Then expand the thought by describing how the speaker wishes to travel. Since the poem is about daydreaming, try "on wings of dream" or "wings of song," etc.
Also drop the unnecessary initial "the" in line 2, and drop the "a" from "against" to improve the meter.
"Out there where the" is filler (used to pad out the number of syllables in the line).
Try adding another image instead.
EXAMPLE: Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly
The creak of the timbers, the ocean does its dance
Splitting the line is awkward, separating the images which should be part of the same picture:
Try: The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
Songs of the sirens call
Cut through me like a lance
Are the sirens singing or calling? You're literally saying that songs about the sirens' call cut through you like a lance.
And "lance" is too obviously a forced rhyme. The common expression is "cuts through me like a knife." When you change the expected noun in a commonly used phrase, you need to have a reason (the speaker is a knight or a Bengal lancer). Otherwise, the reason is solely to keep the rhyme.
This is easily corrected by dropping the unnecessary "call" and changing the cutting action to a piercing one. Knives cut, lances pierce.
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
The opening stanza would thus be:
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
The break from sailing to running is slightly jarring, mostly because "open" feels like a continuation of the first stanza, I can't think of a suitable replacement.
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
There's no meter here -- which kills the poem dead.
Try: Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train (as in gown, not choo choo).
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
"Gates" works for running (as in the starting gate at a horse race), but what gates are airplanes or eagles kept behind?
It's a tough call, but I'd follow through with the night/star imagery of the preceding line and say:
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
I like the idea of this line, but it would be better if something more specific were noted -- "why" what?
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Yeah, I threw in the final line to 1) rhyme with "train" and 2) because the chorus, while okay for a song, feels a tad brief for a poem.
I'm not going to explain the edits to the following stanza in detail -- it's too long (and time-consuming), except to note that "wails" cannot "feel hoofbeats."
I'm only repeating the chorus once (again, poetic format vs song). FYI: Ellipses comprise three dots. Not two. "..." is correct. ".." is only correct if your name is rhonda-jane porlock.
Here's the finished edit:
TAKE ME AWAY
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Take me away on Summer's breeze
To where the deserts stretch across the plain,
Before the Old Ones were forgotten names;
Where sunburnt mesas bear the sky
On pillars old as time,
And wails from ancient warriors' ghosts
Match hoofbeats as they ride
Buy me a one-way ticket home
To where Atlantis keeps her secrets hid,
Or through the Pillars of Hercules
Where whitened ruins remember the flames
As Alexandria cried her unseen tears;
Forgotten years...forgotten names
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
*If you use this edit, or any portions of it, do NOT credit me. It is not a collaboration, but an edit, and editors are only credited for books.
As a song, no offense, I prefer the similarly themed "Take Me With You" by - Kellie Sullivan. It's played over the opening credits of "I Sailed to Tahiti With an All Girl Crew" and can be heard here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3n1Uku6YLI
I highly recommend watching the movie as well. It's one of my all-time favorites.
Good edit as poetry, Harry, I'm not sure if you followed the melody as well?
Brian Mallard will still need to be able to sing it, bottom line.
Will-Dockery wrote:
HarryLime wrote:
Freeagentprose wrote:
Take Me Away
I realize this is the lyric for a song, and it works well enough as a song in your video. But as a poem, which is meant to be spoken aloud or read, the lyrics need to be modified to fit the different medium.
Take me away..take me away
To where the sails billow against the sky
Out there where the seabirds fly
The repetition of "Take me away..." doesn't work as any opening line. Just say it once. Then expand the thought by describing how the speaker wishes to travel. Since the poem is about daydreaming, try "on wings of dream" or "wings of song," etc.
Also drop the unnecessary initial "the" in line 2, and drop the "a" from "against" to improve the meter.
"Out there where the" is filler (used to pad out the number of syllables in the line).
Try adding another image instead.
EXAMPLE: Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly
The creak of the timbers, the ocean does its dance
Splitting the line is awkward, separating the images which should be part of the same picture:
Try: The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
Songs of the sirens call
Cut through me like a lance
Are the sirens singing or calling? You're literally saying that songs about the sirens' call cut through you like a lance.
And "lance" is too obviously a forced rhyme. The common expression is "cuts through me like a knife." When you change the expected noun in a commonly used phrase, you need to have a reason (the speaker is a knight or a Bengal lancer). Otherwise, the reason is solely to keep the rhyme.
This is easily corrected by dropping the unnecessary "call" and changing the cutting action to a piercing one. Knives cut, lances pierce.
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
The opening stanza would thus be:
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
The break from sailing to running is slightly jarring, mostly because "open" feels like a continuation of the first stanza, I can't think of a suitable replacement.
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
There's no meter here -- which kills the poem dead.
Try: Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train (as in gown, not choo choo).
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
"Gates" works for running (as in the starting gate at a horse race), but what gates are airplanes or eagles kept behind?
It's a tough call, but I'd follow through with the night/star imagery of the preceding line and say:
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
I like the idea of this line, but it would be better if something more specific were noted -- "why" what?
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Yeah, I threw in the final line to 1) rhyme with "train" and 2) because the chorus, while okay for a song, feels a tad brief for a poem.
I'm not going to explain the edits to the following stanza in detail -- it's too long (and time-consuming), except to note that "wails" cannot "feel hoofbeats."
I'm only repeating the chorus once (again, poetic format vs song). FYI: Ellipses comprise three dots. Not two. "..." is correct. ".." is only correct if your name is rhonda-jane porlock.
Here's the finished edit:
TAKE ME AWAY
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Take me away on Summer's breeze
To where the deserts stretch across the plain,
Before the Old Ones were forgotten names;
Where sunburnt mesas bear the sky
On pillars old as time,
And wails from ancient warriors' ghosts
Match hoofbeats as they ride
Buy me a one-way ticket home
To where Atlantis keeps her secrets hid,
Or through the Pillars of Hercules
Where whitened ruins remember the flames
As Alexandria cried her unseen tears;
Forgotten years...forgotten names
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
*If you use this edit, or any portions of it, do NOT credit me. It is not a collaboration, but an edit, and editors are only credited for books.
As a song, no offense, I prefer the similarly themed "Take Me With You" by - Kellie Sullivan. It's played over the opening credits of "I Sailed to Tahiti With an All Girl Crew" and can be heard here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3n1Uku6YLI
I highly recommend watching the movie as well. It's one of my all-time favorites.
Good edit as poetry, Harry, I'm not sure if you followed the melody as well? >>
Brian Mallard will still need to be able to sing it, bottom line.
Thank you.
I wasn't changing it as a song -- just as a poem.
He can sing his original version.
If he's going to post it as a poem, the song form isn't going to work.
It is possible to have 2 versions of the same work:
One as a song lyric, and a second as printed verse.
Will-Dockery wrote:
HarryLime wrote:
Freeagentprose wrote:
Take Me Away
I realize this is the lyric for a song, and it works well enough as a song in your video. But as a poem, which is meant to be spoken aloud or read, the lyrics need to be modified to fit the different medium.
Take me away..take me away
To where the sails billow against the sky
Out there where the seabirds fly
The repetition of "Take me away..." doesn't work as any opening line. Just say it once. Then expand the thought by describing how the speaker wishes to travel. Since the poem is about daydreaming, try "on wings of dream" or "wings of song," etc.
Also drop the unnecessary initial "the" in line 2, and drop the "a" from "against" to improve the meter.
"Out there where the" is filler (used to pad out the number of syllables in the line).
Try adding another image instead.
EXAMPLE: Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly
The creak of the timbers, the ocean does its dance
Splitting the line is awkward, separating the images which should be part of the same picture:
Try: The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
Songs of the sirens call
Cut through me like a lance
Are the sirens singing or calling? You're literally saying that songs about the sirens' call cut through you like a lance.
And "lance" is too obviously a forced rhyme. The common expression is "cuts through me like a knife." When you change the expected noun in a commonly used phrase, you need to have a reason (the speaker is a knight or a Bengal lancer). Otherwise, the reason is solely to keep the rhyme.
This is easily corrected by dropping the unnecessary "call" and changing the cutting action to a piercing one. Knives cut, lances pierce.
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
The opening stanza would thus be:
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
The break from sailing to running is slightly jarring, mostly because "open" feels like a continuation of the first stanza, I can't think of a suitable replacement.
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
There's no meter here -- which kills the poem dead.
Try: Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train (as in gown, not choo choo).
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
"Gates" works for running (as in the starting gate at a horse race), but what gates are airplanes or eagles kept behind?
It's a tough call, but I'd follow through with the night/star imagery of the preceding line and say:
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
I like the idea of this line, but it would be better if something more specific were noted -- "why" what?
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Yeah, I threw in the final line to 1) rhyme with "train" and 2) because the chorus, while okay for a song, feels a tad brief for a poem.
I'm not going to explain the edits to the following stanza in detail -- it's too long (and time-consuming), except to note that "wails" cannot "feel hoofbeats."
I'm only repeating the chorus once (again, poetic format vs song). FYI: Ellipses comprise three dots. Not two. "..." is correct. ".." is only correct if your name is rhonda-jane porlock.
Here's the finished edit:
TAKE ME AWAY
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Take me away on Summer's breeze
To where the deserts stretch across the plain,
Before the Old Ones were forgotten names;
Where sunburnt mesas bear the sky
On pillars old as time,
And wails from ancient warriors' ghosts
Match hoofbeats as they ride
Buy me a one-way ticket home
To where Atlantis keeps her secrets hid,
Or through the Pillars of Hercules
Where whitened ruins remember the flames
As Alexandria cried her unseen tears;
Forgotten years...forgotten names
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
*If you use this edit, or any portions of it, do NOT credit me. It is not a collaboration, but an edit, and editors are only credited for books.
As a song, no offense, I prefer the similarly themed "Take Me With You" by - Kellie Sullivan. It's played over the opening credits of "I Sailed to Tahiti With an All Girl Crew" and can be heard here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3n1Uku6YLI
I highly recommend watching the movie as well. It's one of my all-time favorites.
Good edit as poetry, Harry, I'm not sure if you followed the melody as well? >>
Brian Mallard will still need to be able to sing it, bottom line.
Thank you.
I wasn't changing it as a song -- just as a poem.
He can sing his original version.
If he's going to post it as a poem, the song form isn't going to work.
It is possible to have 2 versions of the same work:
One as a song lyric, and a second as printed verse.
HarryLime wrote:
Will-Dockery wrote:
HarryLime wrote:
Freeagentprose wrote:
Take Me Away
I realize this is the lyric for a song, and it works well enough as a song in your video. But as a poem, which is meant to be spoken aloud or read, the lyrics need to be modified to fit the different medium.
Take me away..take me away
To where the sails billow against the sky
Out there where the seabirds fly
The repetition of "Take me away..." doesn't work as any opening line. Just say it once. Then expand the thought by describing how the speaker wishes to travel. Since the poem is about daydreaming, try "on wings of dream" or "wings of song," etc.
Also drop the unnecessary initial "the" in line 2, and drop the "a" from "against" to improve the meter.
"Out there where the" is filler (used to pad out the number of syllables in the line).
Try adding another image instead.
EXAMPLE: Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly
The creak of the timbers, the ocean does its dance
Splitting the line is awkward, separating the images which should be part of the same picture:
Try: The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
Songs of the sirens call
Cut through me like a lance
Are the sirens singing or calling? You're literally saying that songs about the sirens' call cut through you like a lance.
And "lance" is too obviously a forced rhyme. The common expression is "cuts through me like a knife." When you change the expected noun in a commonly used phrase, you need to have a reason (the speaker is a knight or a Bengal lancer). Otherwise, the reason is solely to keep the rhyme.
This is easily corrected by dropping the unnecessary "call" and changing the cutting action to a piercing one. Knives cut, lances pierce.
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
The opening stanza would thus be:
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
The break from sailing to running is slightly jarring, mostly because "open" feels like a continuation of the first stanza, I can't think of a suitable replacement.
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
There's no meter here -- which kills the poem dead.
Try: Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train (as in gown, not choo choo). >>>>
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
"Gates" works for running (as in the starting gate at a horse race), but what gates are airplanes or eagles kept behind?
It's a tough call, but I'd follow through with the night/star imagery of the preceding line and say:
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
I like the idea of this line, but it would be better if something more specific were noted -- "why" what?
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Yeah, I threw in the final line to 1) rhyme with "train" and 2) because the chorus, while okay for a song, feels a tad brief for a poem.
I'm not going to explain the edits to the following stanza in detail -- it's too long (and time-consuming), except to note that "wails" cannot "feel hoofbeats."
I'm only repeating the chorus once (again, poetic format vs song). FYI: Ellipses comprise three dots. Not two. "..." is correct. ".." is only correct if your name is rhonda-jane porlock.
Here's the finished edit:
TAKE ME AWAY
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Take me away on Summer's breeze
To where the deserts stretch across the plain,
Before the Old Ones were forgotten names;
Where sunburnt mesas bear the sky
On pillars old as time,
And wails from ancient warriors' ghosts
Match hoofbeats as they ride
Buy me a one-way ticket home
To where Atlantis keeps her secrets hid,
Or through the Pillars of Hercules
Where whitened ruins remember the flames
As Alexandria cried her unseen tears;
Forgotten years...forgotten names
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
*If you use this edit, or any portions of it, do NOT credit me. It is not a collaboration, but an edit, and editors are only credited for books.
As a song, no offense, I prefer the similarly themed "Take Me With You" by - Kellie Sullivan. It's played over the opening credits of "I Sailed to Tahiti With an All Girl Crew" and can be heard here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3n1Uku6YLI
I highly recommend watching the movie as well. It's one of my all-time favorites.
Good edit as poetry, Harry, I'm not sure if you followed the melody as well?
Brian Mallard will still need to be able to sing it, bottom line.
Thank you.
I wasn't changing it as a song -- just as a poem.
He can sing his original version.
If he's going to post it as a poem, the song form isn't going to work.
It is possible to have 2 versions of the same work:
One as a song lyric, and a second as printed verse.
I was thinking about this a few minutes ago, what it would take to go a little deeper, and try to present the actual verse and lyrics intact.
*Unless the lyrics were written as free verse, repurposing them as a poem won't end well.
This is why most traditional poems can easily be adapted to song, but few songs can be successfully adapted to poetry form.
Popular songs have end rhymes (sometimes randomly interspersed throughout the lyric) and uneven meters (as the melody is maintained by holding notes, or adding extra syllables to words; "you-oo-oo" as a three syllable rendering of "you"). This works well in song, but doesn't translate to paper.
I think Leonard Cohen did this while perhaps, say, bib Dylan doesn't.
*Cohen's poems (at least those that I'm familiar with) were written in free verse. They need little or no modification when being sung. One only has to create a loose melody to fit the words.
Dylan's lyrics (again, that I'm familiar with) use rhyme and (to varying degrees) meter. When printed, they don't work, because they lack the depth, the metaphor, and the overall feeling of poetry. I'm not knocking Dylan -- song lyrics are generally written to be easily understood, and are intended to be simplistic and immediately comprehended.
You'll recall that I've told you, many times, that your "poetry" works as a 3 AM song, but is utterly unreadable as printed verse. I've also advised you that if you stopped trying tell everyone that you're a poet, and just presented you work as song lyrics (preferably accompanied by a video), you'd receive much less derision.
Of course, there would still be the problem of your flooding a poetry group with music videos, but if you could learn to pace yourself, you'd be fine.
I was looking at a version of a David Gates (Bread) song performed by Telly Sevalas that might be the way to accurately combine poetry and music.
I'll have to find it again, and I'll post it here.
Here it is.
"If" by Telly Sevalas:
https://youtu.be/J94-_w9ARX0?si=SQhrfvcLynG1XY0z
Will-Dockery wrote:
HarryLime wrote:
Will-Dockery wrote:
HarryLime wrote:
Freeagentprose wrote:
Take Me Away
I realize this is the lyric for a song, and it works well enough as a song in your video. But as a poem, which is meant to be spoken aloud or read, the lyrics need to be modified to fit the different medium.
Take me away..take me away
To where the sails billow against the sky
Out there where the seabirds fly
The repetition of "Take me away..." doesn't work as any opening line. Just say it once. Then expand the thought by describing how the speaker wishes to travel. Since the poem is about daydreaming, try "on wings of dream" or "wings of song," etc.
Also drop the unnecessary initial "the" in line 2, and drop the "a" from "against" to improve the meter.
"Out there where the" is filler (used to pad out the number of syllables in the line).
Try adding another image instead.
EXAMPLE: Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly
The creak of the timbers, the ocean does its dance
Splitting the line is awkward, separating the images which should be part of the same picture:
Try: The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
Songs of the sirens call
Cut through me like a lance
Are the sirens singing or calling? You're literally saying that songs about the sirens' call cut through you like a lance.
And "lance" is too obviously a forced rhyme. The common expression is "cuts through me like a knife." When you change the expected noun in a commonly used phrase, you need to have a reason (the speaker is a knight or a Bengal lancer). Otherwise, the reason is solely to keep the rhyme.
This is easily corrected by dropping the unnecessary "call" and changing the cutting action to a piercing one. Knives cut, lances pierce.
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
The opening stanza would thus be:
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
The break from sailing to running is slightly jarring, mostly because "open" feels like a continuation of the first stanza, I can't think of a suitable replacement.
Neath Cassiopeia and Orion
There's no meter here -- which kills the poem dead.
Try: Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train (as in gown, not choo choo). >>>>>
Swing wide the gates and let me fly
"Gates" works for running (as in the starting gate at a horse race), but what gates are airplanes or eagles kept behind?
It's a tough call, but I'd follow through with the night/star imagery of the preceding line and say:
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
I like the idea of this line, but it would be better if something more specific were noted -- "why" what?
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Yeah, I threw in the final line to 1) rhyme with "train" and 2) because the chorus, while okay for a song, feels a tad brief for a poem.
I'm not going to explain the edits to the following stanza in detail -- it's too long (and time-consuming), except to note that "wails" cannot "feel hoofbeats."
I'm only repeating the chorus once (again, poetic format vs song). FYI: Ellipses comprise three dots. Not two. "..." is correct. ".." is only correct if your name is rhonda-jane porlock.
Here's the finished edit:
TAKE ME AWAY
Take me away on wings of song
To where sails billow 'gainst the sky
Where salt winds roar and seabirds fly,
The creak of timbers to the ocean's dance
The songs of sirens pierce me like a lance.
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
Take me away on Summer's breeze
To where the deserts stretch across the plain,
Before the Old Ones were forgotten names;
Where sunburnt mesas bear the sky
On pillars old as time,
And wails from ancient warriors' ghosts
Match hoofbeats as they ride
Buy me a one-way ticket home
To where Atlantis keeps her secrets hid,
Or through the Pillars of Hercules
Where whitened ruins remember the flames
As Alexandria cried her unseen tears;
Forgotten years...forgotten names
Open the gates and let me run
Neath Cassiopeia and her starry train,
Fling wide the night and let me fly
Till I have long forgotten why
And cares have vanished with the morning rain.
*If you use this edit, or any portions of it, do NOT credit me. It is not a collaboration, but an edit, and editors are only credited for books.
As a song, no offense, I prefer the similarly themed "Take Me With You" by - Kellie Sullivan. It's played over the opening credits of "I Sailed to Tahiti With an All Girl Crew" and can be heard here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3n1Uku6YLI
I highly recommend watching the movie as well. It's one of my all-time favorites.
Good edit as poetry, Harry, I'm not sure if you followed the melody as well?
Brian Mallard will still need to be able to sing it, bottom line.
Thank you.
I wasn't changing it as a song -- just as a poem.
He can sing his original version.
If he's going to post it as a poem, the song form isn't going to work.
It is possible to have 2 versions of the same work:
One as a song lyric, and a second as printed verse.
I was thinking about this a few minutes ago, what it would take to go a little deeper, and try to present the actual verse and lyrics intact.
*Unless the lyrics were written as free verse, repurposing them as a poem won't end well.
This is why most traditional poems can easily be adapted to song, but few songs can be successfully adapted to poetry form.
Popular songs have end rhymes (sometimes randomly interspersed throughout the lyric) and uneven meters (as the melody is maintained by holding notes, or adding extra syllables to words; "you-oo-oo" as a three syllable rendering of "you"). This works well in song, but doesn't translate to paper.
I think Leonard Cohen did this while perhaps, say, bib Dylan doesn't.
*Cohen's poems (at least those that I'm familiar with) were written in free verse. They need little or no modification when being sung. One only has to create a loose melody to fit the words.
Dylan's lyrics (again, that I'm familiar with) use rhyme and (to varying degrees) meter. When printed, they don't work, because they lack the depth, the metaphor, and the overall feeling of poetry. I'm not knocking Dylan -- song lyrics are generally written to be easily understood, and are intended to be simplistic and immediately comprehended.
You'll recall that I've told you, many times, that your "poetry" works as a 3 AM song, but is utterly unreadable as printed verse. I've also advised you that if you stopped trying tell everyone that you're a poet, and just presented you work as song lyrics (preferably accompanied by a video), you'd receive much less derision.
Of course, there would still be the problem of your flooding a poetry group with music videos, but if you could learn to pace yourself, you'd be fine.
I was looking at a version of a David Gates (Bread) song performed by Telly Sevalas that might be the way to accurately combine poetry and music.
I'll have to find it again, and I'll post it here.
Here it is.
"If" by Telly Sevalas:
https://youtu.be/J94-_w9ARX0?si=SQhrfvcLynG1XY0z
*The operative word here is "performed" by Telly Savalas. He's backed by an orchestra and a chorus and is simply speaking the lyrics. Walter Brennan, Lorne Greene, Jim Reeves, and many others have done spoken versions of songs as well. But they're regarded as songs, not poetry.
| Sysop: | Amessyroom |
|---|---|
| Location: | Fayetteville, NC |
| Users: | 65 |
| Nodes: | 6 (0 / 6) |
| Uptime: | 13:03:14 |
| Calls: | 862 |
| Files: | 1,311 |
| D/L today: |
7 files (11,196K bytes) |
| Messages: | 265,448 |