Am I Imagining It All?

"...there will be wonder. There will be great wonder." These words,
written by Whitley Strieber in the foreword of his book Transformation,
have for me, become the most profound words that I have ever come across.
They are at once extremely descriptive of the entire UFO enigma and yet,
they are very richly understated. To wonder is to contemplate something
that at the very least has some basis for understanding in the human
mind. But, it is becoming increasingly clear, as more and more
information is obtained from UFO sightings and proported abduction
victims that much of the phenomenon is probably beyond Man's
comprehension. Therefore, to wonder is to digress from fact into fantasy.
But, one cannot help but wonder. So how are we to get to the true meaning
of the enigma? There seems, at this point, to be no clear path to truth
ahead of those who study this peculiar subject. About all anyone can do
is to add as much information as possible to the files of dedicated
research organizations attempting to put all of the bizarre tales into
some some kind of rational perspective. These files are already so loaded
with obscure symbolism and strange occurrences, that their real
underlying meanings may never be obtained. In writing this, I presuppose
that UFOs exist, that they are indeed a physical reality and not
halluclnatory in nature, that they are piloted by extraterrestrial
entities, and that these entities have engaged in the abduction and
examination of many human individuals. The question of existence has
never been an issue for me. I have always accepted as fact that UFOs were
a reality. As far back as I can remember, I have held a major interest in
the phenomenon. Recently, I ran across newspaper clippings dated as far
back as 1978 that I had collected pertaining to various sightings of
strange craft, which demonstrates that even at age 14, I was keenly aware
that something strange was happening. In those days though, as far as I
was concerned, UFOs were strange flying craft that people saw in the sky,
although I do not remember ever having personally seen an object that I
could truly consider to be extraterrestrial. Abduction accounts were
virtually unheard of, or at least they were not reported by any media
available to me other than in the grocery store tabloids that everyone
denies reading. In fact, I do not recall reading one in-depth "alien
encounter" report until I was in my early twenties. I had heard the names
Travis Walton and Betty Andreasson a few times, but I had no access to
details of these cases. It was not until late 1989, at age 25, that I
began to suspect my own possible abduction. This "wondering" began on a
trip to a bookstore where I was scanning a totally unrelated section of
books for something interesting to read. Suddenly, I came to an out of
place book entitled Intruders. The name was all I saw on the spine, but l
immediately knew what this book was about. Without checking to see if I
was correct in my assumption I grabbed the book and bought it. It was all
I could do to wait until 1 got home to start reading it. While I was
engrossed in the manuscript I recalled a dream that I had as a child. It
was a horrifing dream that has recurred several times throughout my life.
What I remember of it seems to fit perfectly into the classic abduction
scenario.

Am Iying in bed asleep. For reasons unclear I wake up and peer through
the doorway of my room. I think I see some small men looking back at me
from around another doorway very close to my own. I get up to investigate
and walk toward them down the hall. I do not get very far when I seem to
remember several others coming toward me. At this point I become very
frightened and turn to run back to my bedroom. I take about one step and
am frozen in my tracks. I could not move a muscle. This was not the "run
in slow motion but can't get away" dream. I was totally immobilized and
felt a very strange tingling sensation, which I will never forget. I can
equate it a low level electrical vibration, like when you touch the ends
of a cord as you plug it into the wall socket, only not as strong. I
remember screaming for my mother and father to help me. Whether anything
came out of my mouth or no one heard me, I don't know. At this point my
back was turned to whatever was pursuing me. Then, my legs began to float
up and I tilted face down and began to float. I do not recall anything
after this point. I can remember, as a child, being absolutely terrified
to go down the hall to my room by myself, especially at night. I would
even go so far as to try to con my brother to go with me, telling him
that I wanted to show him something or that I wanted to play with him. I
also had a fear of looking out of the sliding glass doors that led out to
the backyard at night, for fear that someone would be out there looking
back at me. These fears persisted way up into my teens. In fact, I still
find myself hugging the walls in my present house, stealthily walking
along wondering if someone is in the house when I know good and well that
there is'nt. Another incident that I recalled while reading Intruders
pertained to a possible visual sighting that occurred when I was a young
boy. My cousins and I were playing outside while my father and uncle
talked nearby. Suddenly, for some inexplicable reason, I looked to a spot
in the sky and detected a very small stationary object that shown
brightly with reflected sunlight. It seems miraculous to me now that I
could have spotted the object, knowing how scatter-brained young boys
are. I called to the others to see and we watched it for some time,
although it made no movement. Upon asking my father and uncle what it
was, I remember my uncle getting out his binoculars and taking a look. I
am sure that my father also observed the object through the binoculars.
Although they could not confirm the identity of the object, they
determined that it must be a weather balloon. We accepted this and went
about our daily romp sessions without further discussion of the matter. I
hadn't given this incident any thought at all until reading Intruders,
some twenty years later, at which point the occurrence came rushing back
into my mind with utmost clarity. I also recalled during this time a
missing time incident that occurred when I was a senior in high school.
At the time, I was having trouble with a spastic colon and was on an
anti- spasmodic drug called Bentyl. Although this may hurt my
credibility, I ingested a rather large amount of this drug during my
second to last class one day. I really don't know why I did this, but I
did. I remember going to my last class feeling very groggy and falling
asleep. When the bell rang I was almost unable to walk or function
normally but managed to get to the door leading outside to my car. This
was around 2:30 to 3:00 p.m. The next thing I remember is waking up
around 6:00 p.m. at home in my bed to my mother asking me to move my car.
This was an incredibly difficult task in my condition. I cannot believe
that no one noticed that I was so doped up. The thing I find so difficult
to grasp, given that this was a drug induced blackout, is that in this
condition, I would have had to get into my car at the school, drive about
3 miles in heavy traffic to my job, perform my duties, drive to another
location to finish and then drive home. This is almost too much for me to
accept. I seem to remember asking my co-workers the next day about my
performance but not getting any satisfactory answers as to whether I did
my job or whether I was even there to do it. This event gradually faded
from memory and I had not thought about it again until I read Intruders.

The next book I read was Communion. I obtained it from the local
library and was dumbfounded that it would even have this book. I
concealed it as I walked up to the check- out counter for fear of being
seen with it and made fun of. I had heard about the book but had never
seen it before. When I picked it off the shelf and saw the cover I was
immediately stunned by the artwork and a thought ran through my mind-the
image on my door. On the back of the door to the room in which I had the
dream about the little men, there was an image formed by the grain of the
wood that I used to call "the devil on my door". I remember showing it to
all my friends and even my mother, although she has no recollection of
it. It seemed to be an elongated face with slanted eyes and an evil look.
The face on Communion seemed to spark some kind of correlation. It was my
immediate thought that they were different renderings of the same thing.
I remember many times opening my door because I didn't want it to be
looking at me. A very strange thing for a child to think about a piece of
wood. Communion elicited the same memories from my childhood that
Intruders did. I began to play "connect the dots" and things became
clearer that I may have had my own possible abduction experiences. After
this, I began reading everything that I could get my hands on about the
subject, trying desperately to find some confirmation of the things that
I had experienced. I now understand that this is a quite common phase for
abductees/contactees to go through. During this time of "information
gathering" I had some very vivid dreams. These dreams that I will relate
to you seemed very different from my normal dream state. In fact they
seemed very real. The thing that puzzles me is that unlike my normal
dreams where I seem to be fully conscious and in control, in these
"abduction" dreams I felt as though I was not fully conscious or perhaps
groggy from some narcotic. The first of these came on March 26, 1990. I
distinctly remember the date because I awoke the next morning telling
myself that I had to remember that day so I could relate it later. It
begins this way. When I become aware of something happening, I am
standing beside my bed buttoning my red and black flannel shirt. I
already had on a pair of jeans. I have no recall of whether I had shoes
on. My head was down against my chest as I was doing this. Again, I felt
groggy but somewhat aware of my surroundings. Standing next to me on my
right side was a small man whom I did not get a good look at. I seem to
remember that I could see the top of his head out of the corner of my eye
and it was greyish white with no hair. He wore what I perceived to be
black clothes. He said to me, "Are you ready?", at which point I replied,
"I guess so." He then took me by my left hand and began leading me out of
the bedroom, down the hall and into the livingroom. At some point during
this promenade, he blurted out, "Hurry!". It seemed to me that he was
taking many more steps than I was. He was smaller than I and seemed like
he was late for something or that he was taking too long to accomplish
his task. We headed for the door that leads out to the backyard. I do not
remember going out the door, but the next thing I do remember is that we
are outside. We walk across the yard and end up beside this very small
jet black oval object that I assume was a craft of some sort. I do not
remember a door, as such, but there was an opening that I had to crouch
down to get through. I entered first with him following. I sat down in a
chair of some sort that was, I assume, at the rear of the craft,
immediately on my left. I say this because the little man was doing
something in front of me where there seemed to be a lot of equipment and
another chair. He was working quite quickly at something, facing to my
right as I watched him. At this point, a small door, which I thought
looked like a glove-box in a car, fell open. He cursed, "S---t!", which I
found quite humorous. I even remember chuckling a bit at this, thinking
that he was not much different than I was in his actions. Abruptly, my
recollections end. I do not know what took place after this, if indeed
this was a realtime event.

The next dream concerning this subject occurred within days of the
March 26 scenario. Upon further reflection, I feel that this one may be
another remembered segment of the same experience. When I become aware of
my surroundings, I am sitting at a low table. It is white and although I
cannot move my head around, everything else seemed to be of this same
color. Again, I feel as though I am drugged and possibly not fully
conscious. My head is glued to my chest as it had been in the earlier
dream. I immediatly sensed two presences other than myself. One was on my
left at the side of the table which I perceived to be a male. The other
was immediatly on my right. I never saw this one but I perceived her as a
female as I will explain. I am looking down the whole time, but I was
aware that the male on my left was doing something. I said to him, "How
many others have you worked with?". He responded, "What do you mean?" I
replied, "How many other people have you worked with?" He thought a
minute and then said, "Two." At this point, the entity on my right said,
in a distinctly female voice, "Oh, and then there was our brother." This
elicited from the male some sort of confirming gesture. I am not sure if
I saw this or just felt it. I could not stand not being able to look
around and said, "Just a minute". I then tried to lift my head to get a
glimpse of my surroundings. It took all the strength I could muster to
overcome the force that held my head in its downward position, but 1
managed to look up. When I did, I looked straight into the eyes of the
male on my left. I was overwhelmed with delight. It was something
concrete that I could take with me. I will never forget the sight. His
eyes were very large. They were very human looking in structure and a
beautiful light blue in color. They seemed endless and I felt elated. I
was so close to him that I seem to remember being able to make out the
lines in the iris. This was only a momentary glance but enough to last me
a lifetime. At this point, my head was returned to its original position.
Sometime later, I remember looking down at a Petrie dish of translucent
green liquid or jelly. A third entity was standing in the background just
able to be made out in the corner of my eye. He was not unlike the entity
on the cover of Communion, although his head was more angular at the top
and perhaps slightly wider. He wore a long, robed garrnent that seemed to
shimmer slightly. It had long sleeves covering his arms which he had
folded so that his hands were not visible. I got the impression that he
was very much in charge. He had a cold stare. I was still very much aware
of the green substance in front of me when the third entity uttered,
"Wait." I turned slightly, as much as I could, to get a better look. He
made a nodding gesture. When I turned my head back to view the green
jelly, it was no longer there. Instead, there was a bowl of what I
perceived to be, of all things, mashed potatoes. I do not know whether
the nodding gesture from this being changed its appearance or whether it
was simply replaced as my attention was drawn away from it. This is all I
remember of this dream. There have been many other strange things happen
and other less vivid dreams concerning the UFO phenomenon, but it is
these dreams described above that I find so fascinating. They are so out
of sync with my norrnal dream state. There seems to be no clear
beginning, no middle, no end. Just fragmentary segments to tantalize my
imagination. I am still unsettled and confused as to whether these events
were real and related or whether they are totaly unrelated events that
are linked together only by my immersion in this very compelling subject.
Or, perhaps, they were not real at all and were generated out of my
subconscious mind to fulfill an inner need to be associated with the
elite "chosen" few who have actually experienced something real. Did the
sequences truly occur? At times the question drives my up the wall. I
hope that I can one day find out. As for the missing-time incident, the
possible visual sighting, the image on my bedroom door and the dream I
had as a child, I know that these were real events. They did occur. But,
as to whether or not they are related to the UFO phenomena, I can not
make a concrete decision at this time. I have recently begun to undergo
hypnotherapy, having made a personal decision to determine if the lunatic
fringe is just around the corner. If the determination can be made that I
have somehow construed these happenings out of my own mind, then the case
should be handed to qualified psychologists to try and understand why an
ordinary person would relate experiences on a subconscious level that so
closely resemble experiences of actual abductees. If indeed, though, the
aforementioned experiences and those not mentioned here are truly
occurring in event-level reality, then I will probably have to change
many of the views I hold of reality. But, however it goes, I will
approach the phenomenon as any good investigator, scientist or therapist
should; not blindly accepting every detail that comes out of hypnosis as
actual truth, but rather integrating those perceptions and observations
into an acceptable level of compatability with my life. In either case,
the prospect of an unknown entities, whether earthly or extraterrestrial,
coming into the homes of people and abducting them for unknown purposes
is truly amazing and at times frightening. It is possibly the most
important happening since human creation. I know that I personally cannot
sit on the sidelines and wait for something to take place. We all must
make every effort to understand as much as possible of the enigma.
Perhaps we may find nothing that fits our level of comprehension. But,
isn't that the beginning of understanding? To wonder?

Copyright 1990
Michael S. Carter
Jim Singleton
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