04/10/93

THE GUARDIAN

IT IS estimated that five million Americans have sighted flying
saucers. This is almost as many as have seen Elvis since he died.
Either way, it is an impressive figure and bears testament to the
fact that UFOs have been visiting earth for centuries, often, it is
said, to warn us of our follies. Rumours persist that the last
attempt at such a mercy mission was when the M25 was in the late
planning stages. However, the aliens got stuck in traffic coming
round their own version of the motorway near Saturn, and were too
late to warn us. That governments worldwide publicly deny this and
other sightings, is, say UFOlogists, due to a massive global
conspiracy.

Theories as to why this should be range from the blackmail of
world leaders by intergalactic powers to not wanting to campaign on
the "Let's make friends with the alien" ticket. More plausible is a
theory that is as curious as it is sinister. When pressed, high
ranking officials of many countries admit to dismissing UFO
sightings purely as a way of keeping crackpot theorists everywhere
harmlessly watching the skies for joy-riding Venusians.

The reasoning is that no government would want an army of
endlessly patient obsessives rumaging though its dirty laundry for
a new conspiracy to call their own. These same officials will also
admit to taking kickbacks from The Weekly World News and the Sunday
Sport. One official corroboration of the existence of UFOs would
destroy their circulations overnight.

Such an admission would also be a loss to cult film makers and
school pranksters the world over. UFO "sightings" are still the
most fun you can have with a dustbin lid and a camera.
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