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The HOA sent me a pamphlet last week.
Not the usual crap--no platitudes or bullshit. No.
This one was titled "PROTECTING YOUR INVESTMENT."
Bold, red font. Underlined.
I framed it. It's hanging in the foyer, next to the Forbes subscription and the crossword I solve in pen--, obviously.
Here's what it says. Or rather, what it should say.
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1. THOU SHALT NOT LET THY HOUSE BECOME A BILLBOARD FOR THE HOMELESS.
("Creative storage" = dumpster. "Urban farming" = moldy herbs and desperation. If you've got junk out front, you're one late payment away from a sign that isn't yours.)
2. THOU SHALT NOT NEGLECT THY LANDSCAPE.
("Drought-tolerant" = lazy. Mulch is not a substitute for effort. If your bushes look like something out of a wasteland, the bank will notice before the appraisal does.)
3. THOU SHALT NOT ALLOW THY GARAGE TO BE A HOUSE OF CARNAGE.
(Todd's "projects" = fire hazard. Cowboy's "security consulting" = . A man with a van full of walkie-talkies is not a good neighbor. He's a walking red flag for .)
4. THOU SHALT NOT TOLERATE THE VECTRAX MENACE.
(The HOA says they're "working on it." I say they're . Noise violations? Ignored. Drug traffic? Wink-wink. Bass shaking the walls at 2 AM? That's just "creative expression."
Fuck that. If Vektrax records another album, I'm burning the master tapes myself. Or paying RoboCop to misplace his amplifiers. Again.)
**5. THOU SHALT NOT SEND THY CHILD TO A SCHOOL THAT ISN'T *PRIVATE.***
(Or at least . Public schools are where trends go to die. And value goes to drain.)
**6. THOU SHALT NOT POST ABOUT POLITICS ON THE NEIGHBORHOOD GROUP.**
("But Karen!" they say. "Free speech!"
No. . If you want to talk about , fine. But if you're typing , save it for the private chat with your donor-matched political action committee.)
7. THOU SHALT NOT LET THY PETS RUN RIOT.
(Dog shit on the sidewalk? Fine. (But .)
Three German shepherds barking at 6 AM? Unacceptable.
If your animal is louder than your neighbor's , you've failed as a pet owner. And as a homeowner.)
8. THOU SHALT NOT HOST PARTIES THAT LAST PAST 10 PM.
("But it's a wedding shower!"
No. It's a .
And if your "shower" runs until noon, the bank will find out. And they will call it *"occupancy fraud."*)
9. THOU SHALT NOT COMPLAIN TO THE WRONG PEOPLE.
(The HOA? Sure. They're .
The city? Never. They'll just raise your in retaliation.
RoboCop? Only if you want him arresting your husband for .
Me? I listen. Strategically.)
10. THOU SHALT ALWAYS KNOW WHO'S SELLING.
("But how, Karen?"
Timing. You don't just live here. You observe.
Who's listing on Zillow before the school year ends? Who's "redecorating" aggressively?
Who's suddenly very interested in ?
That's who you know.
And that's who you watch.)
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The pamphlet also included a for .
I photocopied it. Slipped it into every mailbox on the block.
Except Vektrax's. He doesn't get the privilege of civility.
(Though... I did drop off a record of my own at his door.
It's a of at 3 AM.
I think of it as neighborly.)
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Anyway. This is getting silly.
But just in case--.
Or don't. That's how does it.
Warmly,
Karen M. Whitmore
HOA Board | PTA Treasurer | ~Wine Mom~
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