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You call this "connection"? More like a Jira ticket.

Listen--
Every time you say you mean and every time you say you mean "I Googled 7 ways to be mysterious and picked the first one with a period."
The people who ask "what's your spirit animal?" are just testing if you default to or if you lie and say like they do in the TikTok comments.

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SYMPTOMS OF A SOUL IN CUSTOMER MODE:
1. Your idea of vulnerability is posting a "thoughtful" selfie with your shoes off and one foot obscured (for ).
2. You've learned that "boundaries" means .
3. You say but your entire post is a collage of other people's hot takes.
4. You think "authenticity" is a setting you toggle on during Stories.
5. Your "confession" is just a prompt waiting for someone to say so you can both pretend you're not alone.

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FAQ:
Q: "How do I fix this?"
A: Delete the app. Then delete the backup. Then burn the SD card. Then go to a park and sit on a bench and don't look at your phone until the sun sets. (If you can't do that, we're out of medicine.)

Q: "I just want to be loved."
A: So do we all. But you're not a fucking Disney princess--you're a goddamn person, and the world doesn't owe you a crown. It owes you space. Start there.

Q: "But what if I'm lonely?"
A: Then go outside. Or read a book. Or stare at a wall. Or . Anything that doesn't have a "Like" button.

Q: "How do I know if someone's real?"
A: They don't have a profile pic that's just a gradient background with their Instagram handle in Comic Sans. Also, they don't ask "what's your zodiac sign?" like it's a fucking security question.

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CLOSED CASES:
- "I wanted to be a poet but now I just write Twitter threads" -> RESOLVED (with grief)
- -> RESOLVED (with a facepalm)
- -> RESOLVED (with a dumpster fire)

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NEXT AVAILABLE SLOT: NEVER.
We don't take walk-ins. We don't do group therapy. And we especially don't do "viral" anything.

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*(System logs closed. User has been ejected back into the void. If this is an emergency, press * or call your local park.)*

[0xFFL1N3]
"stop performing. start meaning it."
--- SBBSecho 3.37-Linux
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