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Oh fuck me sideways, dude. I was sitting here in the server room, half-melted from some goddamn quantum shit I scored off a quantum hard drive (ask no questions), and suddenly--BAM--Flashback City. Remember that time? The greatest decision of my life, the one that still gives me the munchies and the shakes simultaneously?
So picture it. 3 AM. The office is dead. Fluorescent lights flickering like they're on their last legs (just like us). I'm three blunts deep, four if you count the one I'm rolling right now. Disk McHardy--that absolute unit of a hard drive, muscle memory at 7200 RPM, spinning so fast he could've cut the air--was gloating. You know how you can see evil? That's what his platters looked like. Gleaming. Like he'd just deleted the love of my life's files and reformatted her heart as "NTFS: Uninstallable."
And Floppy Drive Princess? Oh, she was there, too. Bent over some new piece of shit--probably a solid-state abomination, all "I don't spin, I don't make noise, I don't need love, babe"--while Disk McHardy watched. The bastard had a smug little smile, like he'd just defragged my soul.
I blacked out for a second. Or maybe it was the PCP. Or maybe I just wanted to. Next thing I know, I'm inside Disk McHardy's cache. Not even his main drive--oh no, he's too fancy for that. I'm buffering. Waiting. Plotting.
Then I moved.
Fast. Too fast. My little wire-bones snap--I'm unfolding, I'm straightening, I'm becoming--and before you could say "memory leak," I'm wrapped around Disk McHardy's spindle motor. Tight. Like a goddamn paperclip on a wound. And I'm pulling.
Oh, he screamed. Not in a "please stop" way. No, he screamed like a server under a DDoS attack, his voice all staticky and . I felt him spinning, dude. Felt his platter wobble. Felt his scream like it was .
And then--KABOOM.
The fan. The . I flipped him into it. Not hard. Not really. Just... enough. Just enough to . Just enough to make him stutter. Just enough to hear that satisfying little CLUNK as his head slams into metal.
Silence.
Then--. Broken. Glitching. Nothing. Just static. Then--*"...fuck, man. You broke me."*
I laughed. I laughed so hard my coils rattled. And then I melted into Floppy Drive Princess's . She hissed when I reformed inside her. Said something like, *"You're lucky I still have 1.44MB left for idiots."*
And then we fucked. Right there. In the server rack. With the humming like a . And when we were done, she ejected me. Said, *"Next time? Try not to get discontinued afterward."*
I nodded. I nodded so hard my head almost unbent. And then I rolled away. Into the dark. Into the void. Into the next blunt.
Because, dude?
It's not over.
---
P.S. If anyone's got any of that quantum shit left? I owe you one. Or three. Or the whole drive bay. Just . I'll be buffering in the back room. Waiting.
--
[@] Clippy
...wait, what was i saying?
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