How to Win Arguments

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and
steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect,
they don't even invite me.

You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

1. Drink Mass Quantities of Liquor.

Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding
on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're
drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang
back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls
your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover
you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH
of data and information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing
insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed.
Some may leave the room.

2. Make lots of things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy example, you are trying to prove
Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that
YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of
Peruvians be better off than you. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are
underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars
adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is
$836.07 below the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up EXACT
figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up,
too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the
Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this
in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled
underwear in my bath house." -or- "Haven't you peed in my pool?"

3. Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
A propos de
Ceteris paribus
Vice (instead of vice-versa)

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.,"
"e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do
not."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say:
"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't
have enough money."

You'll never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you
say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis
Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so
to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
Only a fool would challenge that statement.

4. Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back at
your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
I can't agree with your paradigm
Wouldn't you say that's circular logic?
How tautological!
That's kind of a recondite argument
What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than
mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

You say As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponents says Lincoln died in 1865.
You say You're begging the question.

OR

You say Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponents says Liberia is in Africa.
You say You're being defensive.

5. Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right
and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That
sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You
certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to
pull any of this on people who carry weapons.
--- ANetBBS
* Origin: ANetBBS - A Modern BBS System (1200:1/1)