From Newsgroup: alt.obituaries
James Lileks marks the occasion:
https://jameslileks.substack.com/p/the-truth-about-the-ancient-astronauts?utm_source=post-email-title&publication_id=73911&post_id=184337250&utm_campaign=email-post-title&isFreemail=true&r=131lq&triedRedirect=true&utm_medium=email
Erich von D|nniken, popular author of a series of books about
"ancient astronauts," passed away on the tenth of January. His
most famous work was "Chariot of the Gods?, a book that surely
did not need the question mark. You can just respond "No," and
move on to the next subject. You probably remember his thesis:
mankind was visited by aliens long ago, and they taught us
things before heading back to the stars, never to return. You
probably don't know this: next Friday you can to his theme park
to get drunk and dance. But we'll get to that.
I'm sure I found the idea intriguing as a kid, because these
unfalsifiable conjectures fire the young imagination. Look at
that ancient stone carving, it looks just like an astronaut in
a capsule with a control panel wearing a pressurized space
suit! Or it's a lizard in a pot. I can't say it didn't happen,
but if it did, it probably went like this:
The ship descends, all the humans drop the ground gibbering
and bowing: the gods have arrived! Didn't have that on the
bingo card. Everyone bows down. The aliens give each other that
look: every time. Always with the bowing.
"Okay, get up, we have work to do. No, we don't want you to
cut up a cow for us. No myrrh, we're allergic."
"Yes my lord god! I mean no. What do your greatness commandeth?"
"We're going to build pyramids."
"Pyramids."
"Yes. Big square buildings with pointy tops. Here's how." (Hands
over the plans) Now, we want you to build many of them. We
really like pyramids. We gave these plans to some guys on the
other side of the water, and they've already started. When we
get back we will see who built the most, and whose are taller."
The other aliens are trying to hold back laughter, which the
humans interpret as a sign of goodness and benevolence. Then
the aliens get back in the ship and take off, and let their
laughter loose. Those idiots will be building pyramids for a
thousand years, thinking we'll be back some day and measure
them and hand out trophies.
The same year as Chariots? Came out, we had 2001: A Space
Odyssey, which also had some extraterrestrial intervention.
You know, the monkeys and the monolith.
There was some guy in charge of dropping off the monolith on
Sol-3. The alien equivalent of appliance installers delivered
it overnight, made sure it was level, turned it on, and left.
In the middle of the night the lead monkey had a strange dream
asking him how satisfied he was with the monolith delivery, on
a scale of 1 to 5 stars. He knew not what this meant, but was
compelled to visit the spot the next day, whereupon the Monolith
activated its Smart Rays and started to impart Knowledge to
the stinking, lice-ridden hominids. The guy in charge of Sol-3
marked the job as COMPLETED and moved on to placing a monolith
on a watery planet inhabited by translucent turtles. A few
years later the boss asks for a report on the monkeys, and he
checks out how it's going. Uh oh.
Project Manager: the Smart Rays have been working for the
desired interval; how goes it? Are they building homes and
cultivating crops?
Employee: uh - maybe? I haven't checked the entire planet.
Project Manager: so what are they doing?
Employee: well, uh, the ones that listened to the Monolith
picked up some bones and beat the other monkeys to death and
stole their berries.
Project Manager: (Silence)
Employee: I can write up a ticket and see if the Rays need
adjusting
Project Manager: they're beating the other monkeys to death
Employee: well they did learn to sharpen the bones.
Project Manager: to dig in the earth and plant?
Employee: actually no, there's been some stabbing. Well quite
a lot actually.
Project Manager: great. Fantastic. Now we have to intercept
these morons when they get space travel and send them a Big
Baby. Don't ask what that means. I don't know. It's above my
pay grade.
Anyway. The ABC obit for Erich von D|nniken ended thus:
His last major venture, a theme park based on his books, failed
after just a few years due to lack of interest. The "Mystery
Park" still stands, its man-made pyramids and otherworldly
domes rotting as tourists prefer to explore the charms of the
nearby town of Interlaken and the imposing Swiss Alps that
surround it.
I wouldn't say it's rotting.
[Photo: Google Earth view, or view from ancient astronauts
returning to see how it's going]
The Mayan pyramid is now a nightclub, according to Google. It
opens on weekends. No human sacrifice, as far as I can tell,
although it's possible you could meet someone who would later
rip your heart out, so to speak.
--
Mark Shaw moc TOD liamg TA wahsnm ========================================================================
"Anyway, we delivered the bomb."
--- Synchronet 3.21a-Linux NewsLink 1.2