Drew Perron <
pwerdna@gmail.com> wrote at 05:25 this Monday (GMT):
On Fri, Jul 5, 2024 at 2:10 PM Arthur Spitzer <arspitzer2@gmail.com> wrote:
The RACCCON 2024 Presents:
***** MOST IMPORTANT SUPERHERO TEAM EVER *****
**** #MOST IMPORTANT NUMBER ****
*** ONE ISSUE EVER ***
Oh shit, I better pay attention to this extremely important issue :o
[Cover: There was a Cover That was The Most Important Cover Ever!
And THIS — Was that cover!!!]
It's not just a tribute!?
Somewhere in the Milky Way Galaxy there's an Earth that's
kind of like Earth. Let's call it Basically Earth.
Love it, cutting to the chase
But is it "mostly harmless"
And on this
Basically Earth there was a man that no matter how badly he screwed
up always got rewarded for it.
Fascinating...
Teachers were incredibly impressed by him failing even the
most simplest of tasks and just had to have him skip grade after
grade. By the age of eight he had failed his way into High School.
And by ten, he had failed his way to a College Degree. By fourteen
-- a Doctorate. By eighteen, he needed a challenge so he joined
the Marines.
Wow. X3
There are a lot of jokes I can make here about real people but I don't
wana offend anyone..
And so he became The Drill Sergeant Failup. And then Captain
Failup. And then Major Failup. And Eventually by the Age of 22
--Supreme General Failup of all Earth's armies in the battle
against The Christicanthinkupagoodname Intergalactic Empire
(a space empire made up various conquered alien species headed
by a race of highly intelligent and very adorable looking koalas).
I remember them! :D <3
Which didn't go very well for Basically Earth and so Supreme
General Failup need to be promoted once again.
X3;;;
And that's how he became the new leader of Basically Earth's
Most Important Superhero Team Ever -- which also happened to be
the team's name.
Oh no. X3
The BEMISTE?
"Arrrghhhhh!!! I can't believe this idiot is our new leader!!"
raged Great-Utopia-Plans-If Anyone-Would-Listen Lass.
XD XD XD I feel like I know her already
"He lost
the war! And in less than a week at that!! We're being ruled
by Super Intelligent Koalas!!"
At least it wasn't the 7 hour war
"Yeah, have you seen them on TV? They're so adorable!"
said Close Attention Lad.
I'm okay with this! :D
Great-Utopia-Plans-If Anyone-Would-Listen Lass just glared
at Close Attention Lad. "God. I'm going in there. And I'm
going to tell him all these great ideas I have to change the
world for the better. And I don't care if he doesn't listen
to me! I don't care!! No, I really, really don't!!!!"
YEAH!!
I love the trope of someone being like "I don't care >:(" while they
clearly care a lot :D
"Well," said Close Attention Lad backing slightly away as
if he had seen this same movie many times before. "Good Luck
with that."
Mmmmmhm. X>
And, yes, I know you're probably going to say -- Is a
Utopia even possible -- a world where ever single person is happy?
And, yes, that probably isn't actually possible. What I'm
thinking of is more like a Comfortopia type World. I mean, take me
for instance -- I have everything I could possiblly need -- a
nice house, clothes, a loving boyfriend, and all kinds of
other material junk that I really don't need. I have
everything and none of it makes me happy! I'm very miserable.
And that's sort of what I want to the rest of the world.
Even the most unlucky, unfortunate soul should have my level
of comfort. And will that make them happy? Probably not.
But that's life!"
Damn, well-made point, girl. X>
Wow, that's one shiny paperclip! Man, what do people use
these things for? I guess that's one of those questions that no
one really knows the answer to." General Failup had a rather
intense philosophical look on his face.
omfg dude XD
has he never had to file papers before
"Okay. It's not your fault. It's my power. It's my curse.
I have all these amazing ways to make the world so much better
than it is, but my powers cause everyone to not pay any attention
to anything I ever say.
Oh shit. Cassandra'd. :o
My boyfriend Close Attention Lad is the
only one who ever listens to me and he has to really use his
powers very hard to do that.
awwwww <3
I mean sure it does have its uses
in distracting people and I can use my power to sneak into places
because people refuse to pay attention to..."
Oooooh, yes good, love creative uses of dumb powers (I mean,
obviously, I write LNH)!
Reminds me of the "not my problem field" from Hitchhikers Guide lol
How about I just call you Yappy Lass. Is that fine?"
"No. That's absolutely not..."
"Okay. Yappy Lass it is.
X3;;; oh noooooo
I don't know why people keep putting me in
these assignments. I guess getting jobs that I'm incredibly
unqualified for getting paid a lot of money is my burden to bear.
I hate him so much X3; I know I shouldn't but
seems like a natural response..
Look. I imagine I'm not going to be here that long. After I
fail some missions here I'll probably move onto something way
better than this stupid gig. Perhaps I'll eventually be made
like Emperor of the Looniverse or something like that."
jfc X3
maybe his power is just insane luck
I mean some of the
ideas might be a little ethically problematic -- like the one
about Brainwashing certain difficult world leaders. But, hey,
sometimes you have to brainwash World Leaders! Sometimes you
just need to do that!!"
I mean, that's way better than brainwashing basically anyone else
id say its way worse since youre destroying the foundation of politics
:(
"Read?" Supreme General Failup began to look very
uncomfortable. "Not really my thing. Hey, maybe you could make
a bunch of fun TikTok videos to convey all these great ideas
you have. Maybe have some cute animals do dance moves in them.
I really like those!"
Great-Utopia-Plans-If Anyone-Would-Listen Lass balled her
hand into a fist and felt this great urge to punch the World.
Big mood. X>;;;
yeahh tiktok sucks
"EXACTLY!" the caped figure declared, slamming his fist
down on the table and bringing up the lights on the assembled
former silhouettes, who blinked for a moment before the lights
went off again.
"We really ought to get around to paying that electricity
bill," one of the silhouettes said.
X3
Ohh, so that's why villains lairs always have dramatic lighting!
"The General has failed so many times -- so many, many
times -- that very soon his powers will wrap right around again
and cause him to succeed! And we! Cannot! Let! That! HAPPEN!"
O shit, that's so stupid it might actually be smart
integer overflow?
"It would be difficult to describe... difficult for anyone
else even to comprehend. Anyone who lacks..." Suspenseful music
began playing before someone realized it was his ring tone and
quickly shut it down.
Heeheehee
"First," the Board Vision said, "I will manifest greatness."
Applause broke out again.
"Second," the Board Vision continued, "second, I will visualize
victory!"
This time, the board broke into a standing ovation.
"And finally," the Board Vision said, "I will maximize my core
competencies in order to bring about meaningful, sustainable
change!"
The applause that followed was so prolonged and enthusiastic
that three board members passed out, while another's head exploded.
mindblowing
X3 Oh god it's way too familiar. At least he didn't start saying he
was on a mission, with a vision
then everyone would die?
The surviving board members took the hint, each choosing
to look in another direction so that the Board Vision could quietly
depart using the back door.
X3
"And now," the Board Vision said, once he had progressed
far enough down the stairwell that he was fairly certain no one
could hear him, "now it is time to spring my trap -- a plan so
diabolically inept, so utterly and completely dysfunctional, that
it would be impossible for even the greatest imbecile in
human history to fail... which will force Supreme General FailUp
to succeed... which will become his greatest failure... and my
revenge will be complete!"
He paused, several steps later. "I guess I should have said
that upstairs," he said before continuing.
X3 X3 X3 Amazing
be more careful where you do your evil gloating! >:(
"This just in," said the announcer, a summer intern who had
waited his entire life to say those words. "This afternoon, at
precisely two p.m., a naked man sprinted across the infield at
Tropicana Stadium holding a huge sign that said 'Most Important
Super-Team Ever! I Plan to Steal All the Palladium...' "
"And?" his co-anchor asked.
"That was it," the announcer said. "But at exactly the same
time, a naked man sprinted through the middle of the Charlotte
stock exchange carrying a sign that said 'From Fort McHenry,
Using My Giant Robot!' "
"Wow," said his co-anchor, a strikingly attractive brunette
woman. "It's almost as though someone wanted to publicize some
kind of event without having to pay for it! This raises all kinds
of questions!"
It really does. XD
using the media to their advantage, smart
"Actually," his co-anchor said, "I was going to say, 'Where
would anyone find so many naked sprinters so close to the Olympics?'
And that's a lead-in to today's sports report. Over to you, Gil!"
XD XD XD
..what?
"And it was while watching the bombardment of this very fort
that prisoner of war Francis Scott Key was inspired to write a poem
that would become our national anthem," a tour guide told a crowd
of enthusiastic visitors. "Does anybody have any questions?"
Wait, there's a national anthem?
"WHERE IS YOUR PALLADIUM?" the giant robot roared.
"Oooh, here at the National Parks, we raise our hands!" the
tour guide said.
X3 X3 X3
I love the trope of the evil bad guys still having to follow basic rules
:D
"Yes? Little boy in the back?"
"Why would a country founded on liberty choose as its national
anthem a song written by a slave holder that celebrates the
institution of slavery?"
"Good question, good questions all," the tour guide said.
"I'll go with the metal man first.
Yeah, that's what I fuckin thought
Are robots a normal thing in this world?
(also, was some of the post snipped here?)
"I guess," said Supreme General Failup not too thrilled at the
prospect of leaving his comfy desk. "Well, then. Everyone to the
Monster Important Truck!!"
Oooooh, yes please
The robot stomped its way down the halls. Its body was a
seven-foot-tall rectangular wonder of spinning dials, blinking
lights and aperatures that opened and closed constantly, each
apparently hiding some sort of weapon, probing device or (in one
case) a packet of Slim Jims. Its head was a rotating fishbowl
swirling with green mist with one fiery, unblinking eye hovering
in its center. Its legs were metallic, misshapen, and several,
giving the entire creature the appearance of a spider that had
been partially, but not entirely, crushed by a vending machine.
cooooooooool :o
scary
The mechanical monster tottered forward on its gleaming legs
along the path laid for it by the tour guide, pausing only to
purchase a shot glass and one of those squashed penny souvenirs
from the Fort McHenry gift shop
heeheehee, I'm imagining it turning the penny-squishing crank
how else are you going to prove you visited?
With a hideous grinding noise that sounded as if a dying
jukebox had decided to take up gargling in its last moments, the
robot opened up one of its aperatures, extended a long aluminum
probe, and displayed an Authorized Visitor pass.
X3
"What's up, fanbase? Today we're slumming it in Baltimore
for a visit to historic Fort McHenry, where those in my Platinum
Plus Patreon categories will get to watch me make off with a small
fortune in processed palladium!
Oh I see. X>
So THAT'S how they get funding.
"Whoa! Plot twist! Have to admire the fire!" the young woman
said, before pausing for nearly two minutes of coughing. "But it
will take more than being a die-hard try-hard to overcome the
feverish following of this doyenne of disease at the intersection of
infection -- can I hear a shoutout from all y'all for the
woman who puts the 'sick' back in 'success,' THE INFLUENZER!"
What. XD Why. Oh no. X3;;;
what?
"Okay. My bad!" Supreme General Failup said while dusting
himself off as he backed away from the blazing wreckage of
The Monster Important Truck. "Although you probably shouldn't
have let me do the driving. That's on you."
Greta wondered how much trouble she'd get into if she
murdered this moron.
I'm sure it'll be fine, I'll help
so will i
But just as Clark took out his comm.thingee to try and get a
backup vehicle, a mysterious black car zoomed next to them.
They have names now :o
"And you are?" said Greta with a very suspicious look.
"Name Later."
"Um, no. Name Now. Who are you?"
Their names get revealed by the narration but this guy's keeping mum?? Suspicious indeed!!
Missed opportunity for a "Who's on First" bit
"We could, like, count the palladium while waiting for them to
show?"
"VERY WELL," the robot said, as one of its aperatures irised
open. "I BROUGHT TOTE BAGS."
"Hey, yeah! The Influenzer and her chrome-plated compadre are
reppin' recyclability, y'all!"
X3 <3 Love it
Anything for more views :D
"FINALLY," the robot said, as the Influenzer found herself
completely surrounded by several layers of durable paper.
"What the hella uncool?" the Influenzer coughed. "You're not
part of the Most Important Superhero Team!"
"Not yet," admitted a young man dressed in a red bodysuit with
a stylized image of two silver hands holding an iPhone. "But
today... justice comes wrapped up like a birthday present, courtesy
of... THE DOOMSCROLLER!"
X3 Okay that one I love
That is so dumb its clever what
"YOUR SUPER-POWER IS TO WRAP PEOPLE UP IN SCROLLS?" the
robot asked.
"That would be my guess," the Influenzer wheezed.
"Only when I'm thinking of something awful," Doomscroller
admitted. "Like just now, when I'm... damn! Can't get that
Dua Lipa song out of my head! It's just so darn catchy!"
heeheehee
I'm going to guess that's a really bad artist?
"THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE FOR GREAT UTOPIA PLANS IF ANYONE
WOULD LISTEN LASS," the robot explained. "THEY'RE ALL MADE BY
ONEIDA."
The Doomscroller looked confused.
"THE FORMER UTOPIAN COLONY IN UPSTATE NEW YORK?" the robot
said. "A UTOPIAN BEATEN BY A UTOPIA? IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE IRONIC."
"You need to work on that," the Influenzer mumbled through a
hacking cough.
XD XD XD Wow, I love it
"BECAUSE I'M HAPPY -- CLAP ALONG IF YOU FEEL LIKE A ROOM
WITHOUT A ROOF," the robot sang.
"I really have to stop explaining how my powers work to every
villain I meet," Doomscroller muttered.
X3 Delightful
but how will the audience know?
"No," the Influenzer coughed. "I mean, YOU -- robot you --
need to stop reciting the lyrics from copyrighted songs. I can't
afford to have YouTube ban me again."
XD
woooo copyright strikes!!
"WAIT," the robot said. "THE HEROES HAVE ARRIVED!"
"Really?" Doomscroller asked, turning in the direction of the
door.
"NO," the robot said, hitting Doomscroller over the head with
a tote bag packed with palladium.
heeheehee
oh my good golly look timmy fell down the well again
"I thought you were going for irony," Influenzer said, as the
robot began cutting through the thick paper surrounding her.
"MY ATTACK MAY NOT HAVE BEEN IRONIC," said the robot, as the
Influenzer rubbed her arms and legs. "BUT IT WAS TOTES
PALLADIUM-IC."
DAD JOKE FANS RISE UP
"And this is why I try to keep bots off my channel,"
the Influenzer said.
*cackles*
This will really hurt engagement :(
"Oh, that's what you want? To save the world? But would
you really -- if you could. Save the World." Name Later made
his way onto the Washington/Baltimore Parkway.
"Yes! Of course that's what I want! I'm a Hero! Heroes
want to save the World!"
I know, right??
It is in the job description..
"What? How did we...? It should be a least an hour drive?"
she stepped out of black car. They were in the vault and they
various super people hitting other super people with palladium.
She had this really weird feeling.
oooooh. :o
time warppp
And then an old redheaded man in a helicopter type suit
that was completely made of palladium burst into the scene.
"No no no! Stealing all of the Palladium in the World is my
Thing! No one else is allowed to do this! Stop all this
palladium manhandling at once!" And then he focused his finger --
his Palladium Finger -- on some super people who were busy
swinging palladium sacks. And palladium became alive.
Oh my god. X3
"This is my endearing character quirk!"
Absolute mayhem filled the vault. General Failup continued
his assault on the robot, who (which?) seemed unscathed.
Either way, really
Great
Utopian Plans If Anyone Would Listen Lass plaintively explained
her latest idea for world harmony to the Influenza's army of
listeners, unaware that the Influenza was punctuating her speech
with an array of filters, snarky pop-up emojis and sounds of
flatulence.
Gasp! X3
it does help retention..
"WE SURRENDER," the robot chirped, a small white flag
emerging from its rectangular body. "YOU HAVE PREVAILED AGAINST
US. A WINNER IS YOU."
"Wait, what?" coughed the Influenzer.
"I don't remember signing on for this," said Palladium Finger.
:D
"We... we won?" General Failup said.
And the room around him suddenly imploded...
:D >:D >:D
Soo they're dead?
Gone were the two-inch press-on nails, the three-inch
eyelash extensions and the five-inch stiletto heels. The
woman who stood at the gravesite in flowing white robes
and simple sandals spoke not in the lilting, singsong
timbre of a professional YouTuber but rather in the hushed,
reverent tones of a devotee.
Interesting.
huh? what just
"But he showed me the light!" the Influenzer said. "He
taught me that yes, faiure is an option! The only option!
That in a world where all of us are marked for the grave since
birth, where we bask in the rays of a sun that is doomed to
collapse, in a universe whose days are numbered and dwindling
-- in a world where even the tattoos we wear today as a celebration
of friendship or eternal love, or our trillonth follower, no one
is counting, will someday fade and stretch themselves across our
tired, sagging, bloated bodies -- then embracing the power of
failure is the key to unlocking our true potential! The potential
to accept ourselves as the dismal, miserable souls living in
quiet desperation that Thoreau -- and our blessed Supreme
General -- showed us we could be, if we only opened our eyes!"
...huh. X3 That's a philosophy
To be fair, failure is how you learn..not succeeding is a really bad
thing tho
"This just in," said a former summer intern for the local
news station, who had resigned his position several days earlier
in order to join the burgeoning cult that had formed around the
late leader of the Most Important Superhero Team. "Our beloved
General has just been canonized as a saint!"
"Was he even Catholic?" Doomscroller whispered to Greta,
who covered her face with her hands.
X3;;; jfc
Does it matter at this point?
"I know," Doomscroller said, placing his hand on her
shoulder. "He was like a father to me, too. In fact, my own
father feels the same way, even though they never met. Which I
guess means that my father and I are kind of like brothers now.
Which feels weird. But also kind of nice. But mostly weird."
XD XD XD
wait what
"All I cared about was palladium," said Palladium Finger,
who had ascended to the microphone after the Influenzer left to
thank her sponsors. "I had my reasons. Chief among them was
that anything I aimed my finger at turned to palladium.
I mean, that'll do it
wait so why didn't they just make their own instead of stealing it
You
would not believe the number of traffic accidents I caused by
flipping off truckers before I realized what was happening. And
don't get me started on trips to the bath..." he began, before
noticing Doomscroller shaking his head.
X3
Wait, liquid palladium?
"His holy wisdom... left behind for all of us
in these many, many indexed folders, praise be to the Prophet..
Ohohoho, all right, all right
... turn everyone into living statues of palladium (really sorry
about those two members of the chorus, by the way, though you
actually sound better without them)
X3
Influenzer does have a trillion followers!"
"There aren't even a trillion people on this damn planet!
Most of those are bots!
I've been thinking it. X>
Well those bots might like his content :(
And yes, even if I get absolutely no credit for any of this --
it's the World becoming a better place that is the real goal.
Indeed.
"All of this. All of these coincidences that just led to
all this. What if this is someone's Master Plan?"
"Master Plan? That's a bit crazy, don't you think?"
"Is it? What if this whole palladium heist was just a ruse?
What if all those supervillians and that Doomscroller -- what if
this is part of the plan? And what if Failup -- was also in on it?"
GASP!! :o
oh no
"Umm, or maybe you just can't accept that after years of
people refusing to listen to any of your ideas that now that
they're accepting them -- you just can't handle this acceptance?"
Maybe. ^^;
"Thanks to the news reports of an assault on the United
States' palladium reserves, the international price of palladium
skyrocketed -- which was very, very good for myself and my fellow
oligarchs," said Vladimir Putin.
GASP. >:o
NOO
"And what do rich Russian oligarchs do with their money?
Spend it on weapons, of course!" grinned beloved Muppet and
secret international arms dealer Bert, before launching into
his characteristic staccato laugh.
:o Slander of an innocent Muppet!!
wait what muppets are a thing in this world?
"A divided planet of bitter, disillusioned primates
aching for a path forward," cooed Vice Marshall Cuddlepuff
of the Christicantthinkofagoodname Empire. "And to think
... we didn't even have to come up with one. That delusional
utopian woman gave us the very thing in several dozen
color-coded binders, which the masses are now accepting
as sacred writ."
GASP!!! >:o >:o >:o She was totally right!!!!
And right as all the villains were having a big laugh --
Close Attention Lad stormed into the room.
"She knows! She's figured it all out! The gig's up!! We're
all screwed!"
OH SHIT :o
is that a good thing or
And then he paused a bit, "Actually, now that I
think about a bit more -- she's figured out that you're all in on
it. But she doesn't know about me so... Sorry Guys!"
XD Well
i still have an out!!
And then Close Attention Lad's eyes blazed red and he started
levitating off the floor.
Holy shit??
Greta took off this wrist band she was wearing. A wrist
band made of Myopium -- the one thing that could weaken his
Close Attention powers!
GASP!!
"How could you do this? I trusted you!"
"Well, maybe you didn't completely trust me," he said
gesturing at the Myopium wrist band.
"Okay, fair point. I guess I've been in loads of bad
relationships and so that's made me cynical about pretty much
everyone!
Understandable!!
trauma does that to you
"See, that's the thing," Greta said. "To say that you want
to help me build a world where people can believe and trust in
each other -- and then to do that by creating a massive
worldwide conspiracy with some of the planet's most evil people
(did you really just kill Bert?).
X3;;;
ends justify the means
I mean, that's as backwards as... as..."
"Trying to win by failing?" Close Attention Lad said.
!!! O shit :o
dun dun dun
"But... you died! You imploded! I was there!"
"Oh, that guy? Yeah, you were totally right about me making
a clone of myself. He was actually the third or fourth -- I mean,
those things are really good at dying. But I had to do it.
It was the only way this whole crazy plan could work."
Holy cow
oh hey i called it
Greta's eyes opened wide. "You mean... you deliberately set
about becoming the opposite of everything I love and care about...
because it was the only way we could be together?"
"Is that not love?" Clark asked.
baby dont hurt me
"I... I don't know," Greta said. "Kiss me before any of this
starts to make sense."
And he did.
Hmmmmm. @.@ Fascinating...
All characters here created by either me or Rob
and sometimes both of us.
Well, okay — James "Jimmy" DeSanta and
Bert were probably not created by us.
And probably also not Putin.
Dangit, Arthur, you've been dodging the blame for creating Putin all this time!
he escaped into the real world D:
Okay. Another RACCCon Story (Does this count
as a RACCCon? Well, Rob’s kids kind of participated in
it — so why not.)
I say: YES. :D
This was written over a two day period.
I kind of wish we had made some more Most Important
Super Hero Team Ever heroes since I assume there
would have to be more than the three that appeared
in this issue — but then again not enough to actually
create them and put them in the story. So, you do
what you do.
X3 Fair!
Will, there be another issue? Probably not, but Rob
and me have made all these characters free for use.
So, if you want to go for it! This issue does take some
where in the Looniverse. I assume Basically Earth is
some where in the Milky Way galaxy.
That makes sense! I wonder if I can fit in at least a mention...
yeah
Rob read this entire story to his kids and I took a video
of it. So, assuming Rob’s kids are okay it going on to
YouTube maybe you’ll see that someday.
Ooooo, yes please!
that sounds cute :D
Drew "I really want to get in on one of these stories, one day" Nilium
Same, but I suck at writing :P
--
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