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Date: Sun, 02 Feb 25 14:26:56 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1610

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
1610
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

1605 11 votes 22511 34400 31412 12233 01613 03251 13241 13412 02432 33230
1605 3.0 mean 2.7 2.1 2.8 3.5 3.5 3.4 3.1 3.0 3.5 2.5

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 02 Feb 25 14:26:57 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1610-01

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

It's time for Quantum Mechanics again.

My grandfather drives a 1948 Quantum, the model with the built-in view
of Wiscasset Harbor engraved into the windshield. The automobile repair
shop here in Wiscasset refuses to work on it. "Ya need a boatyahd for
that thing. And the Hespeh and the Lutheh Little would be easieh to
work on than that old hulk."

Grandfather reminded the mechanic that the derelict schooners Hesper
and Luther Little had been broken up and hauled away in 1998, but that
they remained in the view in the windshield. The mechanic said, "Any
cahh that relies on an anchuh for brakes is dangerous. Ayuh." He
inhaled that last word in proper Maine dialect fashion. And he was
right. Grandfather did have to toss out an anchor, even just for going downhill.

Where in Maine or perhaps New Hampshire can I find a good Quantum
Mechanic? Preferably in a flat area. Grandfather is running short of
anchors.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, Supplicant, I see you've stumbled upon the mysteries of Quantum
} Mechanics, Maine Edition. This is no mere vehicle; it's a metaphysical
} schooner on wheels. Now, to find a proper Quantum Mechanic...well,
} it's as you feared: it's less about finding a mechanic and more about
} adjusting your own frame of reference to align with the car's...quirks.
} You see, that '48 Quantum doesn't move so much as it exists in multiple
} states along Route 1, only partially tethered to our reality by that
} trusty anchor.
}
} What you need to do is approach a mechanic with a quantum mindset,
} which means accepting that this old jalopy may be fixed, broken, or
} possibly driving itself to Bar Harbor as we speak. Here's what you
} do: Head down the road a piece and when you get to the fork, take
} the way that feels correct...but if you start seeing apple trees,
} turn around, you've gone too far into the superposition. Now, if the
} mechanic gives you a funny look, try saying "Ayuh," and nod like you
} understand the mysteries of spacetime. In a pinch, head south until
} the tourists start showing up; they're usually a good sign you're
} close to another reality.
}
} And payment? You owe the Oracle a vegan clam chowder recipe that's
} mostly potato...no skimping on the salt pork.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 02 Feb 25 14:26:58 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1610-02

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Crazy homework time again. Our history teacher wants a report on the
Soviet Union (CCCP) but my worst friend Jimmy Blavetskii whose mother
was born there thinks he doesn't need to bother. He has a report
called "The Solvit Onion Like It Or Leave It" that he stole from his
mother. He's going to hand it in as his own. Which is plangarythm. How
can anyone think about something like that? Jimmy claims his mother
probably just made it all up because otherwise she would still be in
Siberia working at the Kestyor Mammoth Tusk Factory.

A mammoth tusk would be cool, and I could make it part of my report.
How can I steal one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What a sad time this is, when supplicants don't grovel as they once
} did. Back in my day, you'd get a right proper ZOTing for that. But
} perhaps the Oracle needs to be the bigger sapient being and accept
} that times change and groveling is no longer an acceptable form of
} payment. It is, after all, approximately this the year of our lord
} and savior Seneca the Younger, Two Thousand and Twenty Four. Maybe
} it's not the kids who are wrong, maybe it is indeed the Oracle who
} is out of touch.
}
} The Solvit Onion did make the best mammoth tusks, so many years ago,
} but these days they are harder to find. It turns out, the chief
} component of a good, high quality tusk is ground grovels, so
} they're in rather short supply these days.
}
} You owe the Oracle a single plangarythm, performed to the style of
} Michael Jackson's Bad, which was still in vogue the last time I saw
} a good grovel.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 02 Feb 25 14:26:59 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1610-03

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

What can you do to help access the accuracy and attribution of the
following quotation?

"I am known as a quotation magnet, and many clever sayings are
reassigned to me over time." --Mark Twain

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A quotation magnet is apparently a magnet with a quotation on it.
} Here are a few:
} "The secret to getting ahead is a secret." --Mark Twain
} "The only thing we have to fear is a really scary monster." --Mark Twain
} "I have a nightmare." --Mark Twain
} "Let he who is without sin cast the first dice." --Mark Twain
} "Three quotes? Add a quote and make it a gallon." --Mark Twain
} "Ask not [put anything here]." --Mark Twain
} "The Oracle requires an answer to the meaning of life." --Mark Twain
} "Quoting 'He's so fine' in 'My Sweet Lord' cost me a million dollars."
} --Mark Twain
} "I never said this." --Mark Twain
} "I really didn't say everything I said." --Mark Twain
} "Don't believe everything you read on the internet." --Mark Twain
} "My name isn't Mark Twain, it's" --Samuel Langhorne Clemens.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 02 Feb 25 14:27:00 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1610-04

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) <daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Which house is it on, and how do I get it down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, yes, Frisbeeterianism, the belief that your soul goes up on the
} roof and gets stuck. Many people encounter the sign of this belief, but
} few actually believe, especially to your level of faith.
}
} My advice?
}
} Prey.
}
} Prey??? YES!!!
}
} Adopt a bird of prey, such as a hawk or eagle and then you can prey for
} success. You'll win an extra Frisbee, your neighbor's, that was stuck
} up there with yours.
}
} You owe the Oracle any extra lost Frisbees that your preyers capture.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 02 Feb 25 14:27:01 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1610-05

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

It has finally stompped raining. Thank goodness! What's next? Oobleck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You may find helpful this list of the twelve warning signs of
} existentially incoherent weather:
}
} 1. Powerful and continuing summoning of eldritch abominations
}
} 2. Disdain for consistent physical manifestations of reality
}
} 3. Identification or obfuscation of the unidentifiable or commonplace
} as a unifying or dividing cause or effect or something
}
} 4. Rampant oobleck
}
} 5. Controlled mass hallucinations
}
} 6. Obsession with figuring out where the bounds of reality are
}
} 7. Old Gods and weather reports intertwined
}
} 8. Extraplanar entity power manifested
}
} 9. The great interconnected human oversoul through which we all
} transmigrate suppressed
}
} 10. Whatever that thing is that Mark Rothko has going on
}
} 11. Obsession with the furries and kinksters without whom the internet
} would literally collapse
}
} 12. Rampant cultism and arcane rituals
}
} You owe the Oracle a better umbrella.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 02 Feb 25 14:27:02 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1610-06

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Hello. You said that I owed you a hot water heater for answering a
question. I don't have one of those but I do have a not-otter eater.
Someone trained it to eat otters but it really shouldn't eat any
because it makes them sick (they don't like being digested) and then
they picket your house and won't let you stock up the fridge. I've
been trying to take care of it but unfortunately my house has an
otter infestation and I just can't keep up with it anymore. Also I
have ice cream that I need to put away before it melts. Would you be interested in it for all your non-otter-eating needs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am afraid I'll have to decline. I already have so much tribute that's
} owed to me that I'll have to store somewhere if it ever shows up here
} on my Oracular doorstep. Maybe if it were seals instead. Perhaps the
} Great Seal of the United States? Try owing me the Great Seal and see if
} that helps.
}
} No, just send me some ice cream. Some for Mr. Biden, too.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 02 Feb 25 14:27:03 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1610-07

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Now that everything uses LED lamps we frequently are told that LEDs and lithium batteries use lots of rare-earth metals, especially lithium.

Lithium is element number 3, an alkali metal. The rare earths are the lanthanides (57 through 71) with the frequent addition of 21 and 39.
They are noted for their chemical similarities.

Lithium is NOT A RARE EARTH!

Where do journalists and politicians learn their chemistry? Who's
minding the store?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Journalists, of course, believe that "rare earth metals" are lightly
} cooked, leaving the inner portions raw and tender, and politicians get
} all of their definitions from newspapers you hate. Thus, you will
} occasionally encounter a legislator earnestly introducing a bill to
} regulate the metals industry and require all metals to be fully cooked
} to an internal temperature of 180F in accordance with the traditional
} preparation methods in the ancient Greek cookbook published by
} Lanthanides in order to be certified as Well Done Organic Earth Metals
} before they can be imported through customs.
}
} It is worthy of note that the frequent addition of 21 and 39 generally
} results in 60, which is Neodymium; this is in fact a lanthanide, and
} therefore should not trouble anyone by its inclusion in the rare
} earths.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 02 Feb 25 14:27:04 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1610-08

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Thank you for your attempt at a performance of a Beatles song. I had
never before heard, "I wanna hold my nose," by the Dung Beetles. Where
did you find it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Incarnated by Azerty04, supreme intendant of the Oracle and Lisa's
} fifth bookshelf and owner of the Great Non-Oracularities Library
} Shambles.
}
} Well, that's a long and weird story. Here is the plot: I was walking
} in the street, casually, but then I found a brand-new discshop, and I
} decided to get in to see what was in there, but once I passed the
} treshold, I felt kinda weird and then I noticed that not only there
} were no discs in there (only stone sculpture of boxes full of discs,
} which may have pranked some people before myself), but also the exit
} didn't leaded to the street anymore, but only to a muddy swamp, which
} was surrounded by trees so high that they were hiding sun. I deduced
} that it should be a teleporting discshop, the thing happens sometimes
} (hence my weird feeling, too) Then, I noticed that there were
} half-buried and muddy skeletons all around the place. Then I noticed
} that most of them still wore bits of what looked like oracular
} priest's robes. Then, I admit it, I screamed.
}
} Next episode coming soon, send me a new message if you want to know
} (don't forget to put what I exactly said before, else I'd mess up
} between all supplicant I tell random stories of my life, and I've lot
} of them since I'm more than 5000 years old).
}
} For now, you owe the Oracle a discshop. A true one that don't teleport
} you, please. Really, I don't want to end up in a swamp/graveyard
} anymore.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 02 Feb 25 14:27:05 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1610-09

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Jeezez W. Chryyst in a Submarine! I just got yet another call from
someone who wasn't there. What are they trying to sell me? Maybe I
should send all of them to you, because you are way smarter than I am.

Or maybe send them to Julius Caesar.

Any other suggestions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After ruling out James Corden, Joey Cappelletti, Jennifer Coolidge,
} John Candy, Jeremy Cooney, George Clooney (my assistant was momentarily
} confused about English orthography), and Jason Clarke, The Oracle has
} finally identified the source of these calls as Johnny Cash attempting
} to communicate from beyond the grave. If you listen closely enough, you
} may hear the guitar chords as he tries to posthumously publish more
} protest songs through any medium available. You might even be treated
} to his truly inspired cover of "All Star" by Smash Mouth.
}
} You owe the Oracle a solid black Ouija board with built-in bluetooth
} speakers.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 02 Feb 25 14:27:06 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1610-10

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

Hallo my wonderful and only friend. You always have advice for me. I
should have paid more attention. I told you that I was going to marry
Harmony Skortchnoodle, and you warned me that in spite of her beautiful
face and sonorous first name, trouble lurked on planet Skortchnoodle.

She burns noodles, the only thing she ever wants to cook. It's only a
slight improvement from my own cooking. I've been known to set water on
fire.

I fear that divorce won't improve anything. Instead, please invite
Harmony and me to your Vast or Humble Oracular Abode for lunch. I
promise we won't even try to boil your water.

What are you going to serve for lunch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Err, slight problem. There is a reason that Oracles since the Delphic
} days have always requested gifts in kind, with a preference for meats
} and the finest fruit and vegetables from the supplicant's crop.
}
} You see, none of us can cook. Which is why I have Zadoc.
}
} Zadoc, in spite of the fact that his intellectual dexterity would be
} out-manouevered by an arthritic snail, is surprisingly adept in the
} culinary arts (although, after initial efforts resulting in expensive
} dental work, we did have to point out that "Culinar-y" was nothing to
} do with the Koh-i-Noor diamond). So, I promise that you will be served
} an exquisite meal beyond your wildest taste-buds.
}
} This does assume that Nathan, his understudy (i.e. he lives beneath
} the floorboards of Zadoc's study) is actually capable of buying the
} correct ingredients. Last time Nathan was sent out for some pineapples
} he returned with some pine-fresh oven cleaner and half-a-dozen
} Braeburns. (Which was an improvement on when we asked him to get some
} Braeburns and he returned with some over-cooked donkey-meat.)
}
} So, given the dietary requirements of you and Harmony, and in
} consultation with Zadoc, I have come up with the following menu:
}
} Wine: Chateau-neuf (the unseen French version of Inside No. 9 by
} Stephan-Pem-Bretagne and Reeze-Jer-smit).
}
} Starter: A single slightly sub-standard lettuce-leaf (just B-cos).
} Main: One male duck (don't worry, you won't be able to tell it's male;
} Zadoc removes its genitalia to extract the wine cork), and roasted
} vegetables (Nathan insults their life-choices and parentage for
} half-an-hour before putting them in luke-warm water for 10 seconds.)
} Desert: Apple tart (the deliciously sweet remains of an iPhone
} fan-boy).
}
} You owe the Oracle some After Eight mints to take away the taste.

------------------------------

End of Internet Oracularities Digest #1610 ******************************************

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